I could feel his eyes burning into me, his yearning like a flame too close to my skin. He tracked every tiny movement I made, every breath I took. I was the center of his entire universe, his loyalty to me undeniable. His dark eyes were wide and unblinking… staring into me, willing his utmost desires into my brain, silently demanding that I make the first move…

“Oh… my… god,” I muttered, pondering for a second that all this isolation might actually turning me into a worse writer instead of a better one. I shot a look at my abandoned camera, gathering dust on a shelf and wondered for the millionth time, what might have been…

“Whaaat….?” I asked, slapping an exasperated hand down on the metal typewriter keys and locking them into a tangle. Stupid question; I knew perfectly well what.

Reilly sat on the floor watching me, way less interested in my mood than his own bottomless stomach. He’d dragged his supper dish under the dining room table more than an hour ago and had left it next to my feet, waiting patiently, trusting that eventually I’d have to respond. I ripped the sheet of paper out of the machine and wadded it, tossing it into the corner along with all the rest. Reilly never batted an eye. He just stared faithfully, wagging his furry tail, forgiving me for being so slow-witted. He rested his big, moist nose on my knee and swallowed noisily.

But the second I stood up and headed for the kitchen, he exploded in a burst of riotous energy and gangly, flying limbs. His toenails slipped and scratched, setting my teeth on edge as he fought for traction. He beat me to the pantry, bowl in mouth, and dropped it with a clatter on the old wooden floorboards. I scooped it full, and sat down on the floor next to him as he dug in. He crunched blissfully away and I ran my hands through his thick winter fur, soothing myself with his warmth and familiar smell. For a second, the old memories overwhelmed me… and once again, I closed my eyes and gave in…

Jason… coming back to bed, his blond hair tousled from sleep and my greedy hands… his crisp blue eyes intense and an enormous grin on his face as he put the puppy into my arms. Reilly had been so small then, with enormous paws, and fur that looked like a bad hair day… his soft, round puppy belly smelling like a bowl of corn chips… It had been Christmas morning and Reilly had been wearing my engagement ring on a red velvet ribbon around his neck…

I sucked in a bracing breath and opened my eyes to reality again.

Three years later. No more Jason. No more ring.

And the only future ahead of me was what I would make of it. I’d worked in an art gallery for a while, never brave enough to suggest showing any of my own photographs. They were only pictures of the valley and Cradle Creek, after all. Finally I’d decided to try my hand at writing. I’d been starting to think it was just as an excuse to retreat, to lick my wounds and disengage from the rest of the world.

I shot a disgruntled look at the typewriter as Reilly snuffled around the floor, looking for food he might have missed. He settled for a drink from his water dish and looked at me, blinking, his hairy face streaming and one thick ear flopped comically over the top of his head. I mopped his face with the dishtowel and my own stomach growled.

“Old beer… and canned peaches…” I dug past a stiffened loaf of bread and a jar of mustard, wondering when the hell I’d eaten last. I opened the jug of milk and sniffed, coughing loudly enough that Rye opened one eye to reprove me. He was stretched full length on the sofa, too lazy to raise his head, basking in a rare stream of winter sunlight that angled through the window. I was suddenly hungrier than I’d been in days. Lonelier too. The balled-up mountain of paper in the corner that was supposed to be my great American novel wasn’t the best company…

I don’t know which idea had been the worst one; secluding myself out here in the family cabin and thinking I could finally finish the damned thing, or thinking that by running away I’d be able to put the past behind me, once and for all. But it felt like everywhere I looked, everything I did, saw, touched and tasted only reminded me of Jason.

I’d thought I’d be over him by now, that I would have moved on. I thought it would get better with time. I thought spending the holidays alone this year would make it easier to just plain ignore them altogether. It was a relief to have the holidays over and done with… though I never expected that my heart would still skip a beat every damned time the phone rang.

I looked at the clock on the stone mantle. Half past four. Right next to it was the dusty, unopened bottle of champagne I’d bought to toast my independence and so-called novel last New Year’s Eve. I pressed my lips together and frowned. Aspen was an hour away when the roads were clear. The tiny town of Copperton had fewer shopping choices and it was closer. But It also held a hell of a lot more memories…

Reilly, my hairy mind reader, lifted his cinderblock of a head and whined softly.

“Fuck it,” I muttered, grabbing up the keys to the truck. “Come on, boy. Road trip…”

Again, that violent scramble of toenails, and Rye would have slammed into the massive front door if I hadn’t opened it first. He’d scooped up his favorite chew toy as he moved; a little rubber moose with an impressive rack of antlers. He grinned around it as I opened the passenger door and he clawed his way up to ride shotgun.

Credit card in the glove compartment, and enough gas left to make it into town. Rye looked at me expectantly and a thin string of his drool laced my denim-covered thigh. I leaned into the ignition and it turned over. We both needed a break from our cabin fever. And memories or not, I reminded myself all this was my choice. Never fucking mind that Jason was everything I ever wanted, the man my whole life had revolved around since I was twelve years old. I’d been a skinny little kid, and my brother Randy had brought him home one night for dinner…

As if he could sense my thoughts, my phone started up with his ringtone.

“Hey, Sis,” he said into my ear, and I felt some of the heaviness in my chest begin to ease. “I wanted to give you a head’s up, Ems.”

“Are you done?” I asked eagerly, pushing Reilly off my lap. “You’re okay? When are you coming home…?” I shot questions at Randy rapid-fire. I heard his warm, familiar laugh in return and envied how laidback he was; as if there wasn’t a threat in the world that could ever touch him.

“The fire’s mostly out,” he said, “enough that they’re cutting the hotshot crews back now.” His voice broke up, crackling. “I… be home in a couple of…”

“Shit… shit… Randy. We’re gonna get cut off. I love you…”

“Love… too…” I heard him say before the call dropped. But it didn’t matter. At least I knew he was on his way back home. Nothing felt right until the fires were out, the job was over, and I knew my big brother was safe. And California had been bad this year. Really bad…

By the time I hit the end of the long, bumpy drive and turned onto the highway, it was like I was driving back in time. Rye had his paws on the armrest, his nose pressed against the glass, clouding it with his steamy breath. I drove on autopilot, relaxing for the first time in days… maybe weeks. I knew this road like the back of my hand. Jason and I had taken it hundreds of times. He’d taught me how to drive on it, and in winter conditions just like this. Back then, it had been just the three of us. Me and Randy and Jason…

Dad had been a firefighter all his life, and gone almost as much as he’d been home. It’d been hard on Mom… and hard on their marriage. So I’d leaned on Randy’s easygoing nature and lighthearted spirit like a lifeline. We shared the same unruly red hair, the same sprinkling of freckles and the same headstrong nature. With Jason gone, I leaned on him still…

The sky darkened early this time of year, and the light was changing color, the shadows lengthening. I shifted gears and pushed the engine. The cabin, and Copperton too for that matter, were both settled deep in between the towering purple and white peaks of the Rockies. Last summer had hit record high temperatures, and the fall rains had never really come. Even the snowfall had been surprisingly light this winter. Only small, gray heaps lined the roadside, here and there. The whole landscape was parched and bitterly cold. I let myself remember back to when Jason would drive and I would curl into him, just for his warmth…

Back then, I’d been nothing to him but Randy’s little sister. Even so, Jason had helped me with homework, comforted me when Dad was away, kissed my forehead and held my hand when my very first real date had stood me up. To me, he’d been my best friend, my protector, my knight in shining armor. And I’d loved him from the first time we’d met.

I could smile about it… now… thinking back on how I’d suffered, keeping my feelings secret. But those years had created an unbreakable bond between us. When I turned eighteen, trust and friendship ignited a passion even he couldn’t deny. And I wasn’t so little anymore…

Jason had asked me to marry him less than a year later. Randy said that he should have seen it coming; that Jason and I were cut from the same cloth, that our lives had been woven together from the beginning like warp and weft. Take away a single thread and we would weaken. Take away one of us altogether and the other would be nothing but shreds. Without him now, I felt like a thousand loose ends… And I’d pushed him away, turned my back on him and run. Is it just me… or does everyone have one moment in their life that they’d give anything, everything… to do over?

Reilly stood up and whined, poking his hairy haunches into my shoulder. We were getting closer to town and he knew it. I bit into my lip, wondering if I’d made a hell of a mistake by coming here tonight. I slowed down and pulled off. Downtown was a narrow strip of colorful storefronts, built back in the late 1800s when the town had sprung up around the local mining prospects. Full of charm, it was the kind of place where nothing really ever changed. Time seemed to tick a little slower here. And I could still see Jason everywhere, feel him like he was still right beside me. The sidewalks we’d strolled… the restaurant we loved the best… the same colorful Christmas lights still strung from streetlamp to streetlamp, long past the time they should have been taken down and stored away for the next year. Reilly gave a short, happy yip and trampled my lap in excitement.

No, I hadn’t moved on. I think I knew all along that I could never move on. I may have given him back his ring and told him it was all over… that I could never marry him or give him the family we’d both dreamed of. But nothing had changed at all inside me.

I had tried to escape him… and our whole past. But even if I never saw his face again, I knew in my gut that Jason and I could never, ever be truly over.