I left my mask on… all the way home.

Even though it was only Mattie and me, and a taxi driver so jaded he barely glanced at us as we climbed into his backseat. Mattie, her usual perceptive self, let me sit in silence and hide in the shelter of the darkness. I felt another trickle of warm fluid seep through my dress and onto my coat.

Even at this time of night, the Seattle traffic was thick and slow. I looked out the window, watching tiny droplets of mist cling together and run down the glass. The red and yellow lights outside swirled, making me think of a Van Gogh painting. Mattie sighed softly, in sleepy satisfaction, and leaned her head against my shoulder. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever manage to sleep again. In one single night, my whole world had changed.

I should have been panicked… at the possibility of pregnancy, or even worse… He’d been inside me, unprotected, for what must have been hours altogether. And he’d come inside me twice. I felt another bubble of fluid between my legs.

And yet all I could really feel was wave after sweet wave of pleasure, like quicksilver in my veins. I’d thought no man could ever make me feel the way that Will had. And I’d been completely wrong…

The taxi pulled up outside our apartment. Mattie paid the driver and unlocked the front door. Her sister Donna shifted on the sofa and put down her curled, dog-eared paperback.

“Did Violet give you any trouble?” I asked instinctively. Mattie headed for the bathroom.

“Not a bit,” she answered, standing up and giving her arms a stretch. “She practiced on the piano for a while after dinner… We ate out on the patio. She always seems to like that. She can put out bread for the birds.”

I nodded and pulled my coat a little closer. Donna knew where we’d gone, of course. Mattie had been into the Dom lifestyle since we’d graduated high school. Still, I felt my cheeks burn as they reddened.

“What did she play… did you recognize it?” I asked, from habit. My almost five-year-old daughter Violet’s moods were often hard to determine. The last year had taught me to listen to her music. Rachmaninoff on her good days… nocturnes by Chopin on her darker ones.

“Now, you know I can’t tell one of them from another,” Donna replied. “But it was pretty… maybe just a little sad…” She helped Mattie off with her coat and turned her eyes away, shaking the water off and hanging it by the door. “But she went off to bed without a peep and has been sound asleep ever since.

Now I’m gonna head for home,” she said, reaching for her own jacket. “Bill’s probably waiting up for me.” She gave me a wink and a quick hug. She tightened her arms around me a few moments longer when I didn’t let go. “Bit of a shocker?” she whispered in my ear.

“...little bit,” I answered, kissing her full, soft cheek. Donna was almost twenty years older than Mattie, and her own kids had long since left the nest. She was kind and motherly, head of the special ed program at an elementary school down the street. Without her and Mattie for support, I’d have never made it through single motherhood, let alone college. The three of us had pulled together like family. We were family. And she could read me like a book.

“Are you still glad you went?” she asked softly. “I know my sister can be pretty bossy…”

I opened my mouth to answer her, but nothing came out. I blinked, waiting for the words, but there were too many and not enough, all at once. My body, my mind, my emotions, and my memories ran like rivers in different directions. She put her hand on the side of my face, and I let out all the breath I’d been holding in…

“Just sleep,” she said wisely. “I doubt there’s anybody knows better than you do that some things just take a while to sort out.” She picked up her book and stuffed it in her pocket. “I think it’s good that you took a chance tonight. We all love our comfort zones, but sometimes they can get too small… too isolating.” She squeezed my hand. “It was time,” she said, sagely.

I nodded, knowing she was right. “You and your sister,” I said, opening the door for her. “My two wise women…”

She blew me a kiss and climbed in her old car. I watched until she was out of sight. Mattie had just finished up in the bathroom and came out, wrapped in a towel, her bright hair dripping.

“You look like you saw a ghost tonight,” she said, rubbing her head with a corner of the terrycloth. “Should I feel guilty?”

I took my coat off and the lingering scent of us wafted up. “I don’t believe in guilt and you know it,” I shot back. “It was just… well, I never expected…”

“That you’d like it so much?” she asked. She plopped down on the old plaid sofa and looked at me.

“Or that I’d… well, that I’d…”

“That was pretty much my first reaction, too,” she said, smiling. “I saw the man you were with.” Her smile deepened. “If I didn’t already have Rex right under my thumb where I want him, you might have some competition.”

I grinned back, knowing full well she was one big bluff. “Not with him,” I said. “I don’t think there’s a woman on earth who could dominate him… not even you….” I flashed back to how powerfully he’d tied me. “...no offense….”

“None taken,” she grinned. “Nope, Rexie and I have got a good thing going. And there’s nothing I like more than having him all to myself. We both just like the atmosphere, you know. It’s fun to tease yourself… and your partner. Like you’re both living more dangerously than you really are.”

I thought about the room, the primal feelings it provoked… the pleasure that had hung heavy in the air. I nodded, understanding her lifestyle on a whole new level.

“Well, I’m off to bed,” she said, leaning over to give my hand a squeeze. “Just let yourself enjoy it,” she said. “Don’t overthink or doubt yourself. It was just an evening… to celebrate one hell of an accomplishment. You’ve got your degree and a great new job ahead. You’re strong and independent and the best mom I ever saw.” She stood up and headed for the hall. “Want me to look in on the muffin?” she asked.

“No… no, I will,” I answered. I took a deep, empowering breath. “I’ll shower and check her before I turn in.

“I love you, Mattie.”

“And I love you, too. Always have, always will.

Angie…?”

“Hmmm?”

“Tonight…? Did you get what you went there for?”

“I did,” I replied, honestly. “And maybe even more…”

I opened the door to Violet’s little room and slipped inside. It was more of a closet, really. But she needed a space of her own, and when we’d moved in here, I’d turned it into the prettiest, coziest nursery I could. I’d replaced her crib with a tiny bed as she’d grown. She was asleep, deeply asleep in the way only children can manage. Her soft dark hair curled over pink cheeks. One tiny arm was flung over her forehead and I could see the birthmark that was normally hidden. It was small, under her arm and hidden in the fold… shaped almost like a heart. Her lovemark, I called it. And she always giggled in her silent way when I kissed it…

I crept out, careful not to close the door completely, and headed for the promise of a hot, steamy shower. I stripped quickly and let the water flood over me. My whole body was tender, aching in sweet ways I’d all but forgotten… I ran my hands down… feeling… remembering… and pushed my worries and doubts away. What I’d done was done, if there were consequences, I would cope. It wasn’t very likely, though…

And if I’d learned anything since I’d found out I was pregnant with Violet, it was that I could deal with whatever came my way. I told myself my chances were reasonably good… that the only consequence of the night would be a memory to relive again and again in the years to come. There’d never been room for a man in my life… not after Vi. All I’d ever had was a rare date here and there, only to find out that the guy didn’t have half my life experience, and that I always turned out to be the stronger one, the responsible one. And I was tired of it. Maybe that was why I’d finally been ready to go to the club… ready to hand over control…

I thought back to Jimmy and the way he’d responded, so long ago, when I’d told him I was pregnant. We’d only done it the one time, and I’d had way too much to drink. Both of us had, in celebration of my eighteenth birthday. I’d lost my virginity in a few uninspired minutes. And then a few weeks later, the night of the prom, I’d found him humping one of the cheerleaders. That moment had been the welcome end of it, as far as I’d been concerned. Especially when Will had asked me to dance with him…

But six weeks and three positive pregnancy tests later, I’d had to tell my mother. She’d been the one to tell Jimmy and hadn’t wasted a single second. He’d turned a sickly shade of yellow when she’d started in, bullying and threatening, with talk of an immediate wedding…

But before I’d even started to show, the wedding had both come and gone. I had stood by myself, in a white dress, waiting for that long walk down the aisle, and I could still see the look on my mother’s face. She was a woman used to always having her way in all things. And that the Seevers had dared to allow Jimmy to stand me up had created an ugly rift between all of us that had never healed.

But for me, it had been the gift of my freedom, the beginning of my whole life and a family of my own. I’d cut ties with all of them… Jimmy, the Seevers, my own angry, resentful mother. I’d left with Mattie, a thousand dollars between us, a scholarship… and a full belly. We’d made it, with Donna’s help and support. And when I’d brought Violet into the world, tiny and a few weeks too early, it had all been worth it. We were just fine, no matter what challenges we’d faced. No matter what we still faced… Violet was my whole heart, and I would do anything, give anything, to make sure she had the special care she needed.

I ran my hands over my wet, swollen breasts, down between my legs. The man in the mask had been so much like my memories… so much like my Will. But he’d been even more heavily muscled, more intense, more… everything… And he’d come along right when my whole life was about to change again.

But a girl like me could live for years on memories like the ones I’d made tonight. Nobody knew that better than I did. And no matter what I might want, or my body might demand,

I figured I’d probably have to do just that.