Time seems to stand still as I fight an inner battle whether to trust Caden or not. His words seem true. His actions also make me want to think he only does want to help, but something is holding me back. I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always believed if something is too good to be true, then it probably is. Even as I struggle with my choice, that pull I feel every time I’m near him strengthens. Honestly I’m not sure how I’ve fought it for so long. His thumb continues to graze my cheek, and I sense he’s begging me to lean on him. Maybe it’s in his eyes with the way they seem to plead with me for something. It’s hard to resist him, especially since he’s still shirtless. It’s more than just sexual attraction at work here. Even as I stare at him like a juicy steak, like I’ve been starving for weeks, there’s more going on here.
Maybe that’s what’s holding me back. Giving myself over to him completely scares me to death, but he’s the only man I’ve ever thought about letting down my walls and opening my heart for. Letting out a long sigh, I decide to take him up on his offer, and I lean into his touch. Even if it’s just for a moment, I need his strength to carry me. “Okay,” I say so low I barely hear it myself. But Caden must have. He grins widely as if I just gave him everything he’s ever wanted. “I’ll trust you, Caden.” It’ll be hard to fully trust him since I don’t trust anyone, but I’m willing to try.
Holding out the folder that contains everything I have on Tammy Richards, I hand it to him. He takes it brushing my hand as he does so, and my heart jumps at the small touch. “If there’s somethin’ to find, I’ll make sure to find it, small fry.”
Somehow I do believe he will. Am I banking on him actually finding Tammy? Not really, but anything he happens to find will help. “Thank you.” His hand drops from my cheek, and I instantly feel the loss of warmth. I know he has things to do, and so do I. Which is why I give him a small smile and turn to pick my clothes back up off the bed.
I know I’m putting more distance between us, but even if I let myself lean on him this one time, I still have my heart to protect. But I have a feeling he’s just made a big crack in my walls.
A few days pass before I finally hear something from Caden about Tammy. I won’t lie and say I’ve been waiting for this since I handed over what I had on her, and my nerves are at an all-time high as we make our way to Carter’s law firm. In the passing days, I’ve learned more and more about Caden. Like his dad, Mitchell, started the firm but recently retired leaving it to Carter. Caden also told me a bit about Clark and his struggles with returning home from his last deployment, and how smart his youngest brother Caleb is. It seems the more time I spend with Caden, the more I want to know and meet his family. I haven’t let it slip again that I would like to meet them because that just screams serious relationship status. I’m not ready for that just yet. I’m still trying to take it day by day, but it’s hard when Caden is constantly there making me smile, and making my stomach dip with every sweet promise he makes.
As if he knows I need him, I glance down when his hand takes mine. He gives me a quick squeeze before he says, “It’ll be fine, small fry.”
Turning away, I stare out the window as my heart beats frantically in my chest. I’ve been waiting for the moment for so long, and I just know something is going to go wrong. I feel it deep down, and no matter what I tell myself, that feeling won’t go away. “I hope so. I wish you would just tell me what you found.”
Hearing him sigh, he turns right and pulls into a parking lot. “I just think it’ll be better to hear it all at once. I’m not sure what Carter found, but whatever it is I’m here for you, Savannah.”
Letting his hand go, I hop out of the truck. Walking over to Caden’s side, I let him take my hand again. I know it’s selfish to keep pushing him away only to bring him back, but I can’t do this alone. I need him too much at this moment. “Can you at least tell me if it’s good news or not?” I’m seriously grasping at straws. I don’t understand why he just won’t tell me what he found.
“I can promise you no matter what I found or what Carter found, you’ll get through this.”
“Why are you being so vague?” I ask as he leads me down the sidewalk toward the firm.
“You sure are a nosy rosy today.”
I know he’s trying to lighten my mood, but then again he shouldn’t joke around about something like this. “Come on, Caden. Spill it already.”
“You’ll just have to be patient,” he says as he opens the firm’s door for me. I want to pipe back that I’ve been patient for years, but I keep that comment to myself. Walking inside, my eyes dart around the area. There’s a front desk for what I’m assuming is for a secretary, and to my left are some waiting chairs. Beyond the chairs, there’s a room with Carter’s name on it, and there’s another one to my right that says accounting.
Turning to Caden, I ask, “What kind of law firm is this again?”
“Family Law, but I’m in the process of addin’ Business Law,” says someone to my left and when I turn, I see a tall man that resembles Caden a little walking up to us.
“What’s crackin’, old man,” Caden says as they do some sort of manly hug.
Standing off to the side, I watch them interact, and I’m guessing this is Carter. “Always with the jokes I see,” he says as he turns to me. “You must be Savannah. I’m Carter.” He holds out a hand, and I take it welcoming the friendly introduction.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I reply, and I actually mean it. While I’ve only met Caden’s twin, it’s nice to finally meet someone else in his family. While Carter and Caden’s smiles favor, that’s the only thing about them I notice that’s similar. Carter is a few inches taller than Caden, and Carter’s eyes are a light brown. Even with their apparent differences, Carter seems friendly, and from what Caden has told me, I have a feeling I’m going to like him just like Cason.
“Alright now. Stop mackin’ on my girl,” Caden interrupts and pulls me under his arm. I choose to ignore how my stomach dips with Caden claiming me as his.
Rolling my eyes, I playfully smack Caden’s chest. “Stop being so rude.”
“I’m never rude,” Caden quickly says. Turning to Carter, he asks, “Where’s Shelby? I thought she was workin’ today?”
“You just missed her. Mama called and needed some help with Caleb’s welcome home party.”
“Ah. Mama and her wild and crazy parties,” Caden mumbles to no one in particular. “Anyway ready to do this shin-dig?” Carter smirks, and I roll my eyes. Caden makes this whole situation seem like it’s no big deal, but maybe that’s what he’s going for. My nerves return with a vengeance when Carter motions us to follow him into his office, and I wish Caden would say something stupid to take my mind off what I’m about to find out.
Unfortunately he doesn’t, but he does take my hand again once we’re seated in front of Carter’s desk in his office. Sucking in a breath, Carter looks through some files while I let my eyes wander around the room. It’s smaller than I thought it would be, but it’s a nice office. Dark colors make the room seem warm and open at the same time, and the bookshelves on the left side of the room make me curious to know what type of books he has. Most likely lawyer stuff that I have no education on, but Carter seems to know what he’s doing. His diplomas hang on the walls, and I recall Caden telling me Carter’s been practicing law for a while now.
Letting out a heavy breath, I feel Caden squeeze my hand. Glancing over at him, he grins then leans over. “Breathe, small fry. You’re not on trial.”
“Obviously,” I snap back sarcastically, but all that does is make him smile bigger.
My skin tingles feeling his breath on my neck and ear, and I resist the urge to shiver. Quickly glancing over to Carter, he’s not paying us any attention thankfully. I’d hate if he saw how red my face is right now. “You know,” he starts, and my stomach clenches hearing how deep and husky his voice sounds. “My hand does need blood flow to survive.”
“Oh shit. I’m sorry,” I quickly say and let his hand go. I hadn’t realized I was clutching onto him so tightly.
Shaking his hand out, he smirks as he leans back in his chair. “It’s cool, small fry. Just ease up on the death grip alright.”
“You’re such a baby. I wasn’t holding on that tight.”
“I’ll just place my arm here,” he says sweetly as he lays his arm around my shoulders. “To prevent any further damage. This is my good hand.”
“Your good hand, huh?” I want to say more about his so called good hand, but I don’t because we’re not alone and I don’t want to end up embarrassing myself. However with the way Caden’s eyes dilate and when his mouth opens, I know he understands my meaning. I’ll never be able to forget what that good hand did to me not that long ago before Cason rudely interrupted us.
“You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” Caden asks quietly.
“The kitchen right?”
“That’s my girl,” he says proudly and I turn away when he adjusts himself in the chair. Smiling while I shake my head, I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to keep my mind off what I’m about to find out, and knowing he is doing this for me makes my heart clench. Not many people would pick up on how nervous I am about this meeting, but somehow Caden knows me better than anyone.
“Savannah, are you ready to go over what Caden and I found about your birth mother?” Hearing Carter’s voice, I snap my head up to him, and even though Caden did distract me for a moment, my nerves are back, and I might throw up. Nodding, he picks up some papers as he begins. “I was able to contact the adoption agency that handled your adoption, and unfortunately they couldn’t tell me much.” Swallowing hard, I grab onto the chair with my hands until they turn white. My hopes begin to dwindle noticing the sad look in Carter’s eyes, and I suck in a deep breathing hoping for some good news. Feeling Caden’s fingers caressing my shoulder, I lean back seeking his comfort. “With your adoption being closed, this will make it harder to find the answers you want, but I can promise you there is a way we can track her down.” Carter glances to Caden for a second before he says, “The main problem I’m havin’ is the agency has no record of your adoption on file.”
“I don’t understand. I spoke with someone a few years back, and they said everything was there.”
Carter regards me with kind eyes, and even though I start to feel my world falling apart, his comforting gaze is holding me together. Honestly if I didn’t have Caden beside me, I probably would’ve already lost my shit. “There was a fire last year. Most of the files were digital, but some didn’t make it since the transition was new. You have to understand, most of the adoption agencies used over twenty years ago are still trying to play catch up with computerizin’ everythin’.”
“There has to be a way to find out who my birth mother is,” I say mostly to myself.
“I won’t lie, Savannah. This won’t be easy, but I can start checkin’ into hospital records and the surroundin’ clinics, but it’s going to take time.”
Carter glances back to Caden once more, and I frown wondering what’s going on between them. “What’s up with you two? Is there something else?”
Holding Caden’s gaze as he removes his arm from around me, he stands to grab something from Carter then slowly sits back down. Turning his chair toward me, I wish my heart would calm down. The only thing is his sad expression is setting all my instincts off. “There is one more thing I found that’s a problem,” Caden says, and I sit up straighter in my chair. “The file you gave me, well it’s a fake.” Shaking my head, I don’t understand for a moment until he explains. “Your birth mother’s identity is fake, Savannah.” He hands me a piece of paper as he says, “This is the real Tammy Richards. She died twenty-three years ago.”
“She died a year before I was born,” I voice to no one in particular. Clutching the paper with both hands, I stare at the woman in the small photo. This was supposed to be my mother. The woman that holds all the answers that I desperately need. But it’s all been a fucking lie. Tammy Richards no longer exists, and the person I need to find has made it nearly impossible to track down. Tears begin to pool in my eyes, and I blink them away as I lift my head. Standing, I feel Caden’s gaze on me as I hand Carter the paper back. “Thank you for all your help.” Avoiding his concerned glance, I turn to Caden. “Can I have your truck keys?”
Caden frowns as he asks, “What for, small fry?”
I’m about to lose it, and I can’t be here when I do. “Please, Caden. Just give them to me.” My hands begin to shake as I wait for Caden to pull his keys out of his pocket. He holds them out to me, and I don’t say a word as I take them out of his hand. Rushing out the door, my stomach is in knots, and my stupid heart won’t stop pounding in my chest and ears. If I can just make it to Caden’s truck, I can let myself breakdown. I just have to get there first.
Not caring if anyone sees me, I race to the truck as the tears begin to blur my vision. All this fucking time I’ve been searching for the wrong person. All this time I’ve wasted on trying to find the one person that apparently doesn’t want to be found.
Tammy Richards doesn’t even exist anymore, and how am I going to find out who my mother is now? Whoever she is, she’s just made my search basically impossible. And I don’t know how I can live without knowing who she is, or how I’m supposed to move on not knowing the answers to these burning questions.
How am I supposed to handle this period?