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Trailing behind Ryder as he entered the house, I was not a happy man. Self-conscious in my scruffy clothes I’d changed into, with a feeling I’d be judged for my baggy jeans, endless ink, and the metal in my mouth, I gritted my teeth in defiance. This was my style, my skin - one I shed for nobody. Lucca could judge me, he didn’t know me, had to believe Ryder when he said Lucca was a good guy. I didn’t respect many people but through the very short time I’d spent with him, he’d earned mine in buckets full. He was giving me a chance, trusting me to do the right thing. I’d let my guard down in his company, at ease with his demeanour toward me, understanding he was, indeed, good people. Far better than the scum I surrounded myself with daily.

Far better than me.

In retrospect, standing in Lucca’s ornate foyer, I felt nothing but trash. The fact that I was probably the shit on the bottom of most people’s shoes never more apparent than then. It hit me hard and I tried to justify it to myself. I did what I had to do to get through each day. It was dog eat dog where I came from and if I wasn’t on top, then I was someone’s bitch. That didn’t do it for me, not at all. I’d kept myself out of as much trouble as I could, was a lot more careful than I had been when I was younger, stayed off the radar. I was a big, ugly fish to some, but there was always bigger and always a different league. I’d managed to carve out a position for myself, so those larger threats left me alone, left Sophie alone. I’d proved my point when I needed to, and it afforded me a bit of leeway at least. I didn’t have to hide all the time or show my colours.

Colours that were changing.

I walked my walk, talked my talk, all to make sure Sophie wasn’t tainted with the same brush I was, to make sure she wasn’t touched by the horrors that ran in my world. To make sure neither of us ended up six feet under like our brother before we’d even had a chance at life. So far, I’d succeeded in keeping her safe, her leaving the flat had been a blessing, even if not my choice, and for the most part I’d kept my crew away from her. Yet, it still didn’t seem like enough.

Out, I needed out, I was sick of telling myself the same thing, but it was true. So, if being self-conscious and swallowing my pride for an uncomfortable while was what it took - I was as ready as I’d ever be.

Following Ryder down the long hallway, I ignored my surroundings. Lucca’s house seemed homey enough, big but comforting, and like Ayden, wasn’t into showy or ostentatious crap to prove he had money. In truth I didn’t want to look at anything because jealousy was a bitch at the best of times, and I was definitely a bit green. I’d never manage to give Sophie this, a home, and that hurt because I’d have given her the world if I could. She deserved better than what I could offer.

Rounding the corner, I stopped at the entrance to a large kitchen, the smell of coffee punching the air. A woman had her back to me at the sink, washing out what looked like mugs. When I scanned the room, my eyes fell on the man at the kitchen island I knew to be Lucca. He was scrutinising me, head to toe, his speculative gaze travelling over every inch. He nodded once then got to his feet, approaching me.

“Hey, Shaun.” Standing scant inches from me, he didn’t extend his hand in greeting, he simply watched. “Come on in.” He detoured to the woman by the sink and kissed her as she turned to him. “Another mug, baby.”

Pulling her hands from the water, and shaking them out, she reached for a towel then turned completely into Lucca, her head peeking over his shoulder at me. Her eyes widened, and she fixed her gaze on my cheek.

“What on earth?” Stepping away from Lucca, she resumed drying her hands but never wavered in her eye contact with me.

Shifting on my feet uncomfortably, I shook my head roughly, knowing exactly what she was referring to.

“Laura,” Lucca warned.

“What?” she asked, almost innocently. “I know what that means.” Her words were indignant, unapologetic when she pointed under her own eyelid. “A man comes into my house with a tattoo like that, I want to know.” She didn’t flinch when Lucca coughed loudly into the room, didn’t lower her gaze from mine as she dared me to answer. Oh, this woman was fierce, and I immediately liked her, despite feeling like I was caught in a stand-off with her. “I don’t get this.” She then pointed to my cheek. “Why would you brag about something like that?”

Clearing my throat, I answered, if only to ease her mind. “No, it’s not what you think,” I said, shaking my head.

“But you are in a gang that runs drugs, right? Hurts people?”

My head swung back to Lucca, who’d asked the question. “Yes, sir. That’s a fair assumption.”

He rubbed at his chin, as if contemplating his next words. I felt put on the spot, so I indicated to the stools, seeking silent permission to get off my feet. If we were laying it all out, I wanted to be sitting down, doing it eye to eye with him.

“How far in?”

The question confused me. Pulling out the stool, I considered his question. There was no in or out with Charlie, no two ways about it, he surely knew that. “Pretty far in, sir.”

His tone was sharp with his next words, I admired it. “Cut the sir shit. My name’s Lucca. Pretty far in? Both of you?” Again, confusion must have coloured my face for he went on to clarify. “Sophie?”

“Fuck, no!” I shouted, before remembering my manners and that there was a woman in the room. A woman who slid a cup of welcoming coffee in front of me the same time I spoke.

How could he even suggest my sister was all in, had Ryder not given him at least the basics? Exasperation became predominant as I reached for the dainty little sugar bowl that seemed at odds with the hulking man sitting watching me with narrowed eyes. Sophie must matter in this scenario if he was asking, what was I missing here?

A hand on my shoulder startled me and I dropped the sugar spoon with a clatter to the counter. “Sorry,” I mumbled as I looked around at the woman whose hand felt far too comforting over my coat.

Mother figure...

“How far in, son?” The word son smoothed over me, leaving icy prickles in its wake. No one had ever called me that, including the poor excuse whose sperm was the reason I was alive and most definitely kicking.

“I’m a dead man walking unless I find a way to cut the head off. In my case, Charlie. That’s how far in.”

“Okay.” He steepled his fingers under his chin and asked about Sophie again, to which I told him she was safer where she was, with her best friends. “Just so I’m clear, we’re all clear - you want out? You need help?” He slipped a glance at Ryder who had yet to say a word.

Emotion clogged thick up my throat and a sudden flare of panic hit. These guys could rip the rug out from under me, simply tell me to fuck off and leave me without anywhere to turn. They had wives, they had families. I got the personal connection with Charlie in Ryder’s case, I also understood how risky this was. Hell, they could stitch me up and put my arse in jail right along with my boss for all I knew. There was no loyalty to me, none.

“You got somewhere to be tonight?” I shook my head. No matter how much I wanted to turn up on Ayden’s doorstep, I wasn’t going back until I was a free man, until I could promise him the things he deserved. “My son is coming home this afternoon with his friends. I’d like to discuss a thing or two with you before he arrives, then I’d like you to stay here for the night, take some down time without any pressure. Clear heads going forward, huh? Your friend Ben? He be okay at your flat?”

“Yeah, it’s Sunday. Nobody should bother him.”

“Rehab next week,” Ryder slipped into the conversation. “Non-negotiable. If I need to go up and convince the bloke myself, then I will.”

For whatever reason, these guys cared, and it humbled me they did, especially with a virtual stranger. That they would extend hope to a fucked-up mess of a man like me, do these things to help me. I’d fucked up with Boomer big time, disregarded what was right in front of my face for years. Every time I confronted it myself, tackling his addiction felt like such a huge mountain to climb on top of everything else, so I’d ignored it.

Bad, bad friend.

Mistake, after mistake, after mistake.

I had to wonder if perhaps Ayden was a mistake too. The man was a game-changer, I’d thought it more than once, knew it to be the truest thing. What I didn’t know was if I was ready for him. I was in no position currently, I had secrets, some that would likely kill us dead in the water if I dared utter them aloud. For once in my life I could see no clear direction with which to go. I had to continue to tread the depths, until my shores became defined and I could swim toward them.

I could sleep easier tonight though, there was that at least.

“We’ll go through to the study.” Lucca lifted from his stool and walked to Laura, who’d been leaning against counter. “When they coming?”

I didn’t hear the answer, it was none of my business anyway. I gulped down the rest of the coffee, then tailed Ryder when he motioned me from the room.

* * *

“I know who you are, Shaun.”

Of course he did. Now that we were in the privacy of his study, the gloves were off, no more pleasantries or skirting around the subject. His steely tone meant business. Embarrassment flowed through me, Ryder and Lucca had clearly discussed me, and I was sure this conversation was going nowhere good. I was ready for it, had told myself it was time to face the music, fix the mistakes of my past. Lucca seemed like a good person and Stella had clearly had a screw loose trying to fuck him over. I still wasn’t exactly sure what the deal was, but I’d already decided I wasn’t hiding anything from him.

I found I liked this man even though the circumstances in which we were meeting were shitty. He seemed genuine, and I wondered briefly if it was because I saw a father figure in him. Ryder had a boyish way about him, but Lucca carried himself differently; higher, more seriously. He was a man a boy would be proud to have as a father.

“Who exactly am I?” I hedged. I wanted his cards on the table before mine. I tried to adopt an easy attitude but the sweat dripping down my back caught the lie.

Lucca cleared his throat again before reaching into what I presumed were the drawers of his desk. I couldn’t quite see from my position on the sofa along the opposite side of the room. Pulling out a file, he walked the length of the study and sat in an easy chair directly in front of me.

“I know about Stella. Everything.” He’d cut straight to the chase, for which I was grateful. “Not the specifics, those were not something I required at that time. But I requested this file from my PI, Tony, yesterday.” I grimaced, decently ashamed, guessing what was in the blue folder settled on his folded knee. Showing no outward emotion, he continued. “I got a tip off she wanted my head on a spike, so to speak. Naturally I’m gonna investigate it. I have my son to consider. Incidentally it was Charlie who imparted the information. Threw you under a bus if you like.”

I bowed my head. I’d fucked this man’s wife, ex-wife, whatever, seven ways to Sunday and here he was, sitting conversing with me, not bashing my head against a wall, which I thoroughly deserved.

“I have a file on every single person my ex-wife fucked around with while we were married. And she fucked you a lot, Shaun.”

It wasn’t lost on me that Stella had indeed fucked me. Stella had screwed me over big time, same as she had her husband, except she had no loyalty to some dirty little scumbag she wanted a paid favour from. She’d jeopardised my freedom the second she’d put the first envelope in my hand. I didn’t know her history with Lucca but my little tryst with her seemed pale in comparison.

Loosening his tie, Lucca thumbed the flap of the folder. “I know you’re a connected man, Shaun. But so am I. Very connected. I just don’t advertise it. My father was a Razer boy. You know who they were?”

My eyes shot to his and I recognised the truth in them. I knew who the Razer boys were, Charlie was an original, had always spouted off about the old days. Yeah, he called us his Razer boys, but it held far less weight than those days of old.

“My father was more than a Razer boy, he was a friend of Charlie’s at one point. This isn’t a pissing contest, I just want you to know who you’re dealing with here, who I am. If I say we can help you, have faith we will. Charlie doesn’t scare me, never has. But I want this other shit out of the way before we move forward. Understood?”

My head went in a hundred different ways, tangents that made no sense trying to connect these two with someone, anyone. Every tenuous link I reached for came up empty. I didn’t know him or his connections and that didn’t seem like a good thing. Not at all. I was sitting there blind.

“We do know some of the same people. But this right here,” he pointed his finger between us, “concerns only me and you, nobody else. Do you hear what I’m saying? Do I make myself clear?”

He did, absolutely did, and I tipped my head in recognition of his words. What he was saying was fair enough and to be honest - water under the bridge and all that, suited me fine. He didn’t want the antics of his ex-wife discussed with every Tom, Dick and Harry. Something we had in common.

“What’s going on with you and my son?”

I stared. Then stared some more, having no clue what he was asking in his careful way. I had no idea who he was on about, would put money on I’d never even met him. There was no way I ran in the same circles as this man’s son. “What do you mean?”

When he said Ayden’s name I flinched and made to get up from the sofa to leave. It was too much. Coloured drained from my face and I stumbled to my feet, swaying, the room coming in and out of focus.

What the fuck?

This was bad, so very, very bad. Even when you took Stella out of the equation - this was worse. I looked at Ryder, then back to Lucca, waiting for the punchline, the twinkle in the eye that said they were yanking my fucking chain.

It didn’t come.

I couldn’t even consider moving out of the room like I wanted to, my legs gave out and I sank back into the couch. Dread drowned me inside out, waves crashed over me and a fierce thud ran through my head.

Struggling to put two and two together, I finally concluded this must be Ayden’s father and he was staring me down like he wanted to crucify me. Nothing had ever felt worse. The man I’d fallen half in love with was more connected to my situation than I’d realised. There was a choice coming, I could feel it hurtling at me a hundred miles an hour. The outcome was going to hurt for years to come because I couldn’t put him before Sophie and I knew everything would stop with Ayden when it came to Lucca. If his help was contingent on staying out of Ayden’s life, I’d take it without thinking twice and tuck the man into my memory, bring him out when the nights got so cold I couldn’t stop shaking. And those nights would come, oh, how they would. He’d understand, I knew without a doubt.

Me...well, I’d crawl back into the hole from whence I came, and the taste I’d had of Ayden would light my darkest dreams for an eternity.

Life wasn’t fair. I’d learnt that early on. Sometimes you had to make sacrifices and I knew, just knew with everything I was, Ayden would be the biggest sacrifice I’d ever make. The misery that swept through me was crippling, emptiness rode the wake of the tide as I realised Ayden would only ever be a memory from here on out. A memory I’d never get over, a memory punching my heart.

I struggled to catch my breath at the unfairness of it all, to fight off the hurt which encroached.

“Shaun,” Lucca’s muffled voice barely registered. “My son is Sophie’s best friend.” As if to make sure I had absolutely no doubt who he was talking about, his voice came clearer. I sucked in a breath, built up my walls and decided to deal with the hurt another time when I could give it the full attention it deserved. I could break down in private, not here.

“Nothing,” I said flatly.

“That’s not what you told Ryder.”

“Yeah, well...this kind of changes things, don’t you think?” I snapped, angry at the situation, not necessarily the man.

Pulling out the photographs I knew were in the folder, he handed me one and I cringed when I looked at the black and white debauchery. Yeah, no way Ayden could look past this. I felt sick to my stomach. Sick I would never get the chance to explore those flutters that rode my chest, the peacefulness that came with Ayden’s touch.

And I only had my greedy fucking self to blame.

It occurred to me I needed to be completely honest and show my hand, stop lying to myself. I raked my fingers through my hair, thinking, worrying my tongue stud. I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tell Lucca, but I knew it was the right thing to do and I was so sick of doing it all wrong time after time.

“We’ve spent some time together.”

Lucca grinned at me, taking me by surprise. “So I heard. I think I get the picture.”

For possibly the first time in my life, I sat in front of someone and blushed like a school boy caught with his hand down his pants. Heat crawled up my neck and I fidgeted in my seat, mortified. What were these people doing to me? Clearing my throat, sounding like choking, I tried to say the words I thought he wanted to hear from me, I found them so firmly lodged in my head instead of my mouth. He wasn’t going to judge me, made that clear, I couldn’t get my head around what the problem was. I suddenly felt nervous, an alien feeling to me around anyone other than Ayden.

Bravely, stupidly perhaps, I challenged Lucca. “Yeah?”

I waited for it. The punch, the grip of my collar, the threats...

They didn’t come, only a nod of his head and a tentative smile, easing me. Lucca had been intimidating thus far, in a quiet, unassuming way which lulled me into false securities. But when he smiled, his whole persona softened, much like Ayden, and it calmed me further.

Like father, like son.

Some people were born to walk into a room and command it, intentionally or not, and Lucca was one of those people. Ayden would be a man like his father one day too. I was a large, tall guy but had nothing on Lucca - even then it wasn’t his size. It was him. Just him.

I changed direction of the conversation to the big, fat elephant in the room that wasn’t going away and simply couldn’t be ignored. “He can’t know about Stella.”

Lucca sighed, and Ryder grunted off to my side. Rubbing at his temple, I saw the disappointment in him. “He can’t not know, Shaun. I don’t lie to my son, you shouldn’t either. If you don’t tell him yourself, you can bet your arse the secret won’t be buried for long. Guaranteed, when Stella resurfaces, her first port of call will be Ayden. She hurts people, doesn’t care for the fall out. Hurting Ayden would hurt me tremendously and the fact you are seeing my son is more incentive. You pissed her off, what do you think she’s going to do?”

Jesus. I had to tell him, didn’t I? Ayden wouldn’t look at me twice when he found out. “Why are you not upset over this?”

He shrugged. “I may have been some years ago, but not now. Stella stepped on me way before you and she happened. Besides, did you not see the gorgeous lady in the kitchen?” he chuckled. “I can’t be bitter over things that don’t matter. To do so would destroy a beautiful future. You should remember that.”

“Lucca,” I paused, unsure about how to phrase my words eloquently, so I didn’t bother. “Not only did Stella and I fuck a lot - your words - but she asked me to kill you, had a price on your head. Twice. And you’re sitting there telling me you’re okay with that?”

“I am...”