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Jake’s death had an impact on us all. Sophie refused to return to the Loft, choosing to stay in Beaufort where Laura became a much-needed mother figure to her. Her belly grew and grew with a healthy little baby girl she wanted to call Jessica.

I spoke to her every day, even when she couldn’t find words for me, but we never spoke about what happened. Now and again she’d let me know she’d been to see the therapist Laura had found for her. Physically she’d recovered as best she could. Her shoulder moved better but she wasn’t overly optimistic about dancing the way she used to again, the nerves in her fingers shot. She didn’t say as much but I knew she felt her dream slipping further away.

Perhaps it had died along with Jake that awful night?

Boomer was staying in rehab, something Ryder had so graciously made possible. He often went to visit my best friend and it surprised me because I hadn’t. Every time I’d mentioned it to him he’d fob me off with some excuse that never made sense. I let him be, he wasn’t ready, when he was - I’d be there.

And Ayden...

Ayden went back to Uni. The spring he used to have in his step absent. I often found him curled up on Jake’s bed when I’d come to the Loft. At first it angered me, he’d turn his back and ignore when I would open the door and call out his name. It was his way of dealing. I got that, but I didn’t like he shut me out so much.

Our relationship was hanging on, if we even still had a one. The picture I’d had in my head of waking up tangled around Ayden every morning was no more a reality than Jake still breathing. His excuses of ‘needing space’ and ‘homework’ were getting old real fast. The thought of him wallowing in his flat on his own didn’t sit well with me either. What could I do when he’d closed his door to me?

I just wanted Ayden any way I could get him; so, I put up with the anger and dismissal he rightly threw my way, let him have his grief.

Bouncing and taking deliveries at Ryder’s club became a thing, not a career goal by any means but it kept me busy and out of trouble, allowed me to find and pay for another flat. Gave me my days so I could sift through my head and suss out a plan for moving on.

I’d never felt lonelier.

Charlie wasn’t someone I worried over anymore, and I had no clue where or what had been done to Shorty. But I did see Chrissie now and again and it was never pleasant. Her blank stare was disconcerting when she looked straight through me while passing on the street. Unpleasant but a relief.

So yeah, our lives were going - barely.

Something had to give, I refused to exist in this empty space for much longer. We’d been through far too much to have our love collapse around us. I wanted a life, wanted Ayden to be a part of it with me more than anything. While I made plans, he slipped away. I locked up the club early one morning, deciding it was time things changed. I put my plan into action.

Me: You got plans?

Ayden: Homework

I ignored the fucking homework text. Coward.

Me: Be there @ 8. Door open

If he didn’t leave the door open, I was banging the fucker down. It was make or break time, I’d be leaving his place with answers, with a plan for my future. I wanted him right there with me and I hoped he wanted the same.

Time for me to take what I wanted, to show him what I needed. Stripped bare, he’d have it all if he wanted it. I was laying it all out whether he wanted to hear it or not and I was going to make him decide. There was no more bullshit coming between us. Enough was enough.

Tides had changed, I’d learnt to swim.

I was deserving.

I’d earned it.

* * *

The temperature had cooled over the months, so I grabbed a coat on the way out of my flat, swinging my old record bag over my shoulder as I banged the door behind me. The brisk walk to Ayden’s left me with little time to think about the words I wanted to say. When I found the door open, I suddenly felt nervous, not sure if I wanted to risk the chance of him telling me to finally piss off. It was a real possibility.

We’d only slept together once since Jake had died; a subdued fuck that had left me feeling twisted up in all the wrong ways and empty. I couldn’t figure where his head was at, but it sure as fuck hadn’t been in bed with me that time.

Knocking on the Loft door, I was about to find out.

“Hey,” he said, opening the door wider to let me in. I cautiously slipped inside, toeing off my shoes and dumping my bag on the floor. The coat I’d worn was flung on top, wishing for them to still be there in the morning.

Ayden traipsed through to the lounge with his shoulders slumped. Not a good sign. I cringed at the mess of the place, the empty beer bottles that lay around in abundance.

“What is this?” I swept my hand toward the coffee table where at least four bottles stood drained. Bloodshot eyes blinked up at me. This wasn’t my Ayden.

“What do you want, Shaun?”

“Well,” I huffed at him, “I wanted you, Ayden. But this is not what I had in mind.”

A curt laugh left his mouth. “Then leave.”

I planted my feet and stood my ground, sensing a battle. “No.”

He kicked at the coffee table, sending the bottles flying to the floor. “Then take a seat.” Shrewd eyes pinned me in place, then he abruptly stood and stripped off his t-shirt. “Oh, wait. You wanna fuck, huh?”

His hands went to the buckle of his belt and he clumsily tried to pry the leather apart, his fingers fumbling, his frustration getting the better of him. He was pissed - and pissed off. Finally unhooking the belt, he snorted in triumph and hurried his jeans down his legs.

Commando. As usual.

Staggering around, he attempted to peel the denim over his feet while I watched on miserably. His cock was hard, and he was a mess. I couldn’t help but ogle him even though there wasn’t an ounce sexual connection between us. I wasn’t even turned on. How could I be? He was such a pitiful sight.

“Aha!” he cried after throwing his jeans across the room. He gripped himself and grinned at me.

Oh, Ayden.

Taking a step forward, I wrapped my hand over the top of his and fucking squeezed him. His eyes watered, and he puffed out his chest in defiance. Nothing about our stand-off was arousing in any way whatsoever.

“This is not you, Ayden.” It wasn’t. He knew it, I knew it. My baby was lost. I didn’t want to play this game with him anymore and I didn’t think he really did either. “What do you want?”

His lashes fluttered downwards as he swayed in front of me, his cock softening under our hands. He tipped forward, his forehead knocking into mine.

“You.” The whispered word came out shaky and raw. “Just you, Shaun.”

I let go of him and took a small step back carefully, so he wouldn’t fall forward. “You need to sober up,” I declared, “shower.”

Not waiting for any of the protests he usually had on the tip of his tongue, I turned him in the direction of his room and nudged him there. Getting him under the shower was relatively easy and while he let the water beat down on his body, I went through the flat and picked up after him, throwing bottles in the recycle bin and filling the dishwasher. Stripping his bed, clean sheets I’d found in the hall cupboard were shoved on in a haphazard manner. I closed both Jake and Sophie’s bedroom doors on the way by, not needing the reminder of them. I wanted to focus on Ayden and only him.

When I returned to his room, he was rifling through a drawer for something. The towel wrapped around his still wet body left nothing to the imagination, he was no longer swaying on his feet, his cock no longer hard.

“You wank off in the shower?” I laughed trying to break the tension.

“No,” was all he said in return, no hint of a smile.

“You want coffee?”

“No.”

I sighed. “You’re gonna have to give me a bit more than one-word answers, mate.”

Tugging sports shorts up his legs and under the towel he turned to me as he whipped off the damp material, throwing it to the floor. “When’s the last time you got laid?” he asked me in all seriousness. I was taken aback by the question. So much so, I just gawped at him. “You’ve never refused me before.” He shrugged, making it seem like no big deal.

My irritation got the better of me and snapped at my heels quicker than lightning. “Fuck. You.”

“I wish you would, cos I’m fucking gagging for a cock in my arse, babe.”

A cock. He’d said a cock, not mine. God, where had he gone? Who was this man standing in front of me? “What the fuck are you doing?”

His shrugs and blasé attitude was really pissing me off, he was acting like I was just another bloke he could get his kicks out of. Just another bloke he fucked. And Christ, the bastard was getting hard again. As if to toy with me, he gripped his length through the thin shorts he wore.

Well, two could play his fucking game. I licked my lips and cocked my head to the side. “That for me?”

Ayden tucked his hand inside and I watched as he fumbled around in his shorts. My traitorous dick wanted to play now, too. The sexual tension absent before was now potent. I reached down and popped the buttons on my jeans, pulling my cock out. I wasn’t shy, giving him an eyeful. Stroking my hand up and down, I waited for his next move.

Because by fuck, it was up to him to make it.

He sauntered over, pushing me back into the wall, his free hand forcing down on my shoulders. “Knees,” he growled as he whipped his hand away and fumbled to get his shorts over his arse. When they fell away and I dropped to the floor, all I could think about was getting him in my mouth. If this was the last I was getting, I was going to fucking take it.

I snaked my tongue out and swiped at the engorged head he’d presented to me. If this was indeed the last I was getting, he was going to remember me without a shadow of a doubt.