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I’d left Shaun kneeling in the gravel of my dad’s driveway and sped back to Brighton. The roads had been quiet, the hour of the day long. Texting my father when I’d arrived at the Loft, he’d said he understood and Shaun would be with my uncle for the time being. Sophie and Jake wanted to come back to the flat, citing some silly excuse of Sophie wanting to collect things from her brother’s flat finally.

My solace was shattered with the bang of the front door. Turning my head to the wall, I buried myself under the duvet and sank back into a semi slumber, unable to bring myself to get up and say hello. Both left me in relative peace, besides the occasional background noise they made through the Loft.

Shadows stretched thin across the gloomy room when I finally decided I’d wallowed enough for the time being. Getting up from the bed, I tugged on a pair of sweats and rummaged around the drawers for a half decent t-shirt. I didn’t care what I looked like, but clothes were a must what with other people around.

Sophie and Jake were both couch bound, sitting watching some movie that played across the screen on the wall. The lights of Brighton twinkled through the expanse of windows and I realised I’d spent much of the day and half the night sleeping.

Jake coughed, and my gaze swung to him. “We’re going to order pizza. Want some?” His smile was gentle, considerate and warmed me from the inside out.

“Yeah...”

Sophie shifted over on the couch, away from Jake and made space between them. Patting at the middle cushion, she hitched her head to the side. “Come sit down, watch this movie.”

With monotone steps, I trudged over to her and flopped down, exhaustion weighing on me. She cuddled in close, hooking her arm across my stomach and laying her head on my shoulder. Jake mimicked her position, so I felt like the meat in someone’s sandwich - squashed between them. I couldn’t say it didn’t feel good because it damned well did. I relaxed back and rested my head against the cushion. I didn’t care what they were watching, sitting there with them both was more than enough.

“We’re gonna go back down to your dad’s tomorrow. He wants you home.”

He’d want to make sure I was okay. I was good with that, more than good. “I’ll drive back down. Who brought you up?” Jake and I had always shared my car and Sophie didn’t have one, so it had either been my dad or my uncle.

“Lucca wanted to see for himself you were okay. We followed him up in Laura’s car.”

I appreciated he hadn’t woken me, but he was right, I had to go back to Beaufort. Laura would be worrying too.

“Jake’s going to take me to get the rest of my stuff. It’s not much, some dance things I left behind and some old clothes. Shaun is with Ryder; your dad doesn’t want him at the house when you come home.”

My dad probably wanted to strangle him, I felt not one iota of sympathy. We lounged about, ate pizza when it arrived then went our separate ways a couple of hours later, Sophie too tired to keep her eyes open any longer. Jake had carried her down to her room and set her in bed. The soft knock on my door a few minutes later was surprising.

Jake peeked his head around the door frame and asked if he could come in, his voice almost a whisper so as not to wake up Sophie. He’d changed into his pyjama pants but had no t-shirt on and my eyes wandered across his bare torso unashamedly. Although I harboured no sexual feelings toward my best friend anymore, I still marvelled at his chiselled physique, I was human after all.

Standing awkwardly at the end of the bed, Jake shuffled from foot to foot.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing...” he looked around the room then back at me. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

I smiled at him, conveying how much his concern meant to me. “I will be, I promise.”

“You want some company?” His words were shy and not at all full of his usual confidence. I was taken aback at the offer, thinking we were past all the things we’d done with one another. I panicked he was making a pass at me, but his bark of laughter ensured I got the message he wasn’t. “Not like that.”

“Yeah...no, that would be such a bad idea.” I grinned at him.

Climbing up the bed, Jake nudged me to move over, and while he didn’t get under the covers, he did make himself comfortable on top. He laid on his side, his hand holding his head up as he looked over at me. I turned and did the same, so we were face to face. He wanted to talk, the subject yet to be divulged, but obvious.

“I’m going to fall for her, you know?” he sighed, a dreamy sound that confirmed his statement. Sophie was our topic of conversation, not Shaun, thankfully. I wasn’t ready for that one just yet.

“And that would be a terrible thing, why?”

“It wouldn’t, not really.”

But he had doubts, and rightfully so. We were all so young, barely treading the waters of adulthood and there he was, going to be a father soon. I understood his apprehension. “You’re both working it out. Together. It’s a good start, Jake.”

“Yes, it is. Our plans must change a bit, but we don’t have to throw them away. They aren’t dreams, they’re realities that are just on hold. I keep telling her and she seems to be taking it in now.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“I think being around Emily has helped. She’s a little cracker, I tell you,” he laughed quietly. “If anyone can make you change your mind about kids, she’s it.” Jake flopped onto his back and tucked his hands behind his head, sighing again.

“What’s freaking you out then?”

“Us,” he said simply.

“Us?”

Turning his head to look at me, he gave me a tight smile. “It’s not been the same since everything happened. Since Sophie got pregnant, since you started fucking Shaun.”

“Hey.” I took offence to him implying all Shaun and I had was a sexual connection. “It was more than that, all right? Don’t cheapen it.”

“Look what he did, Ayden. I got the cliff notes version from Sophie, I can’t say I’m all that happy he hurt my best friend.”

“Yeah, well...” I sounded unconvincing at best, I knew. “I’m sure I’ll get over it. Lesson learned, right?” Sad thing was, I didn’t want to learn, I just wanted Shaun. The odds of this being the last thing to be thrown at us were slim. I had to make decisions. Did I want to close myself off to any more pain or did I stand by Shaun and make a go of it?

“You’re not kidding anyone.” Jake laughed cynically. “I don’t know this bloke, I mean - he looks at me like he wants to rip my head off, justifiably so. But there’s more to him. Must be. He’s not your type yet here you are, neck deep in shit with him and still, you act like it’s just another bump in the road, and it shouldn’t be.”

“Maybe it is,” I shrugged. I didn’t want to be a doormat, not for anyone. The situation Shaun put himself in was complicated at best and I held onto that thread of thought.

“You love him?” Jake asked.

Sighing, I too rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “Yeah, Jake. I think I do.” What was the point in denying it?

“Then let him make this right if he can. Let him do the right thing. Let him say sorry. Use that forgiving heart you have and let him come back. There’s an explanation, listen to him tell you what really happened. Pictures are pictures, Ayden. They never tell the whole story.”

Jake was right. Shaun was too raw to think about then, so I changed the subject. “What’s the plan? With you and Sophie, I mean.”

He sat up on the bed and crossed his legs, resting his hands on his knees. “She’s taking the year out and I’m going to finish. By the time I’m done, our kid will be here and then we flip it around. She’ll finish hers, so I’m at home. Well,” he pointed at me, “if you’ll let us still stay at the Loft. We talked a lot about that. She wants to stay here, so do I. I don’t know what will happen between us, but we want to be in the same space for our kids’ sake.”

My smile was genuine. They were trying to be responsible and I was happy to hear they at least had the beginnings of a plan. If they both wanted to stay, then it was no problem for me. Jake knew he’d get any help he needed.

“Sure. It’s not a problem. You’re both welcome. This is your home. Maybe you can make it hers too?” I said hopefully. I wasn’t looking to my future, there was too much of it up in the air, but the last thing I wanted was my two best friends feeling unwelcome because they were trying to do the right thing.

Climbing from the bed, Jake walked around to my side. I sat up as he reached down and held me in a hug. “I love you,” he whispered into my ear before pulling away. I didn’t say it back, those words too fresh since the last time I’d said them, didn’t mean he didn’t know I felt the same.

Leaving the room, Jake didn’t turn around. He shut off the overhead light on the way out and closed my door softly. There was never a better man than him. I pondered on his words for a moment before shaking myself. I wanted sleep and the morning to come so I could go back to Beaufort and shut out the world for a while.

Hopefully Shaun would make the right decisions from here on out and I’d see him when we were both ready. In the meantime, I had some soul searching to do.