Chapter 9

“What do you mean you canceled on him? And by text!” Jenny shouted into the phone. Her raised voice drew my attention away from the muted movie I’d put on after Jay had left.

“It’s too much, I don’t want to lead him on. Make him think he’s in a relationship when I don’t view it that way.”

“But–”

“There’s no but, Jenny. I keep telling you, I am not ready. I only went out with him for the sex.”

“And how’s that working out for you?”

“Not very well,” I huffed.

“Then you should go out with him again.”

“I don’t think I’m going to. He’s a really amazing guy, and I’d hate to hurt him in any way.”

“Listen to yourself, you just called him amazing! Why wouldn’t you want to see him? Take it slow, see where things lead. It’s not going to kill you.”

“It’s not going to kill me, but it might hurt me.”

“You can’t go through life avoiding situations that might get you hurt. You’ll miss out on the best bits of being alive!”

I wished she’d drop the matter. I was getting tired of hearing it. “The best bits being?”

“Sex, for starters.”

“Okay, you’ve got me there. But I’m not ready for more than sex.”

“You are ready, you’re just scared is all. Go on, phone him and invite him over for dinner. That way, when the eating’s done you’re only two steps from your bedroom.”

“Are you calling my place small?” She always liked to point out how tiny it was.

“Well, this time it’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

“I knew it!”

“It doesn’t matter. Your place is bijoux, and that’s fine because it’s yours, you own it all by yourself.” Her comment made me roll my eyes, even though she couldn’t see me.

“Well, I might not much longer. The mortgage payments are hard to meet on my own.”

“Are you being serious?”

“Yes,” I said, embarrassed. I’d never admitted it to anyone else before.

“Honey, I had no idea. You should have told me, shared the stress.”

“It was fine until I lost Matt’s rent. I thought I could cover it with my new job, but bills keep piling up.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll find a way to make it work.”

“Jenny, I’m an accountant. I’ve run the numbers every which way. At first I thought I could make do by living on pasta but it’s just not fun.”

“You made the right decision kicking Matt out. We’ll figure out a way to manage your mortgage.”

“I’ve already blown through all my savings, there is no way. I’m telling you.”

“You’re so negative. There’s always a way. I’m going to talk to Marla. With all her headhunting connections, she’ll find you a new job.”

She was trying to be helpful, but I’d had enough of the conversation. She could try all she wanted, I couldn’t see a way out aside from selling and getting something else. Not smaller, because that would be impossible. I’d have to go for something in another part of town, and end my dream of city-center living.

Of course, moving further away would mean I couldn’t walk to work, so I’d also have to buy a car. Pay for that, insurance, gas and maintenance. Which was more money I didn’t have. Perhaps I could be like Jay and take the bus.

* * *

My weight hit the bed hard. I was physically and mentally exhausted from my day, and all the Champagne didn’t help either. As my eyes shut, my phoned beeped.

If you enjoy his company then go enjoy it.

Jenny was nothing if not persistent. How did she expect me to get involved with someone new? I texted her back.

The last thing I’m going to do is take this as anything serious. Jay’s fun to hang around with but he doesn’t have a job FFS. I don’t need another deadbeat boyfriend in my life.

* * *

At noon on Sunday, I thought of what might have happened if I hadn’t canceled on Jay. I could’ve been wrapped in his arms right then. Embraced in his big, strong, powerful, muscular, good-smelling arms. I looked down at my crotch. My poor, neglected, wanted-to-be-wanton crotch.

There had been more passion in that kiss than in all the kisses I’d shared with Matt over our entire six-year relationship. I wanted more of it. I wanted to take it further, physically. Would Jay accept me as a fuck buddy? Doubtful, but maybe Jenny was right, I guessed it couldn’t hurt to try.

I poured myself a large glass of wine (it was technically after lunch even though I’d only been up for two hours), and pulled a tub of cookie dough ice cream from the freezer. As I shut the freezer door I came face to face with the jeans. Talk about being torn. In the end I compromised and took a small bowl from the cupboard and put a measly two scoops in it. Ice cream and wine, now that was my kind of lunch.

Another glass of wine and another scoop of ice cream later, I picked up my phone but couldn’t bring myself to call Jay. I opened my messages.

Really sorry I had to cancel today, can I make it up to you with dinner at my house on Friday? Maybe we can take up where we left off? A

My thumb hit send before my brain had the chance to chicken out. I threw my phone onto the sofa and downed the rest of my wine with a shaking hand.

My phone beeped moments after it hit the cushion, and my heart leapt.

Sounds good, but I can’t do this week. How about a week from Saturday? J

Anything as long as you do me, Jay. I wonder how he’d react if I sent him a text like that? Maybe I should text him a shot of my tits. No, that idea was so far beyond my reality it wasn’t even funny. But then, so was having a man like Jay interested in me. And I canceled on him. I was an idiot!

Works for me, see you at six