I try to look happy and like I’m enjoying myself, but it’s hard. The only reason I am even trying is for Bee. I know she loves getting ready to go out more than actually going out. I knew she would be bouncing off the walls when she got here. She showed up with bags full of clothes and makeup, then two pairs of heels to go with whichever outfit she chooses.
I watch her as she talks, putting on her makeup, her face close to my mirror, which has fairy lights pinned around its oval edge. Having a bedroom with no windows means I had to improvise on the lighting, so I tried to make it like a Broadway mirror. I hardly ever use the main light in here. I have fairy lights all over the place. There’s a set of pink net lights hanging over my bed, some others around my computer desk, and some along the edge of the shelf to the right of my desk.
I’m perched on my bed, swinging my bare feet, only half listening. My mind is on Fin, wondering what he's going to wear. I know it doesn’t matter. Whatever he wears will turn me into a bumbling mess.
“And then the purple cow said to the little green rabbit, ‘How do you cope with such a spaced-out best friend?’”
I blink a few times at Bee. What?
“Alex, you’re not even in the room, are you?” Bee snaps, putting her red lipstick down. I shake my head, trying to put myself back in the room, but it’s hard when I don’t want to be here.
I already have my hair and makeup sorted, but I’ve yet to pick out an outfit.
“Sorry. I am trying,” I say, looking up at her. Her expression changes from one of anger to one of pity.
“Oh, honey.” She bites her bright red bottom lip, realising I’m panicking about Fin's imminent departure.
“How do you do this?” I ask. She needs to tell me how to not feel like this. How to go out, have fun, and not care that the guy I’m falling for will be gone in a day.
She shrugs. “I don’t know. It’s just...who I am, I guess.”
I stand in front of her. “Then can I be you? Because I don’t want to feel like this. Just for tonight, let me be you.” I ask, making her grin. “Please!”
I know I basically just told her I am falling for Fin when I said I wouldn’t. I made the damn rule, but I am having a hard time keeping it. Right now, I don’t care if she knows it or not.
“Well, well, well. How the tables have turned.” She turns to dig through her bag on the edge of my dresser. She turns back to me with what I recognise as the pink hip flask I bought her for her eighteenth birthday, and hands it to me.
I look blankly at the flask in my hand. “And what am I supposed to do with this?”
“Well… If you were me, you'd take a swig and get the party started.” She shakes her hips.
I look at her in her shiny silver dress, her straight black hair flowing down her shoulders, her red lips turned into a grin. I have always admired Bee’s carefree spirit and confidence, and I wish I could be like her tonight. I want to feel relaxed instead of weighed down by everything I have going on. My feelings for Fin, how I feel about losing him, the B&B I haven’t told anyone about. I just want to forget about all that tonight.
I unscrew the flask, putting it to my nose.
“Don’t smell it!” she yells, making me jump. She laughs. “Just take a swig.”
I cringe. For all I know, this could be battery acid or nail polish remover. I shrug. What’s the worst that could happen?
I swig the liquid, eyes going wide. My god! It’s vile! I’m pretty sure it is battery acid. I swallow the best I can, my throat and tongue now burning. Bee starts laughing. I don’t know how I’m meant to get rid of the taste that’s now stuck to my tongue. I run my tongue along my mouth a few times. Bee grabs the flask and takes a swig. I watch her. She doesn’t choke, cough, or sputter like I did. She screws the lid back on.
“Bailey, what the hell is that?” I bark. She doubles over with laughter. I have the urge to wipe my tongue on the back of my hand just to get rid of the taste.
“Come on. You are me tonight. You do what I do.” She takes hold of my shoulders and pushes me to my wardrobe. I’m still trying to feel my tongue.
“And I am dressing you tonight.”
I let my arms drop to my side. I give up. I surrender to her completely.
“Okay,” I sigh, defeated.
“Yes!”
She starts searching through my wardrobe. I chew on my lip as I worry about handing myself over to Bee for the night, but she is always happy and has fun in every situation. I love that about her. She makes everything enjoyable, so what harm could it do being her for just one night?
* * *
I look in the mirror, relieved. It had crossed my mind that being Bee for one night meant I’d have bright red lips and straight hair. Instead, she dressed me to look like me. She even helped curl the ends of my hair to give it a wavy look.
“So… Are you ready to be me?” she asks over my shoulder as we both look into my mirror.
“I think so.” I look at the white dress I’m wearing. Apparently, she chose this dress because the white brings out the blue tinge in my otherwise grey eyes.
I run my hands over the fabric. It’s a white cotton, halter-neck skater dress, a silver belt pulled tightly around my waist. I must say, Bee made a good choice. She has done a great job of keeping me happy and carefree, but my mind is now wandering back to Fin. I wonder if he'll be happy with her choice.
“You’re going to knock him out,” she whispers, then turns off the music she insisted on blaring. She looks at her phone. “The guys are ready.” She picks up my little silver bag and slides it onto my shoulder, then drops a pair of silver heels at my feet. I am so not ready for tonight. I may look ready, but my head and heart aren’t.
“Come on,” Bee says because I’m still standing in front of the mirror. She hands me my perfume bottle, then shakes my shoulders a little. “Remember. You’re me tonight, which means more smiles.”
I smile and turn to face her, then slide my feet into the heels and spray on the perfume.
“Nearly ready. Here.” She holds out the flask again.
I hold my hands up. “Oh no. Not the battery acid again.”
She sighs. “Is that something I’d say? Drink up.”
She shoves the flask into my hand. I look at it. What have I got to lose? I’m already dreading tonight, and I could do with a little liquid courage. Taking a deep breath, I tip it up, taking the biggest gulp I can, trying not to choke as it burns all the way down my throat.
“Bleh!” I sputter, sticking my tongue out and handing the flask back. Bee swigs it effortlessly, then throws the flask on top of her pile of crap next to my door, which she'll pick up when she’s sobered up…probably next week.
I take a few deep breaths as I walk up the stairs. I shove my phone into the tiny silver bag. I don’t even remember buying this tiny thing.
“Have fun, sweetheart!” Jill calls from the lounge of our living quarters.
“I'll do my best!” I call as I walk out the door.
Bee has abandoned me, probably in search of Brad. I turn and shut the door to the living quarters, my heart pounding in my chest.
When I turn to head into the lounge, I stop, my breath catching in my throat. Fin is leaning against the door frame.
“Wow,” he whispers, standing straight, both hands in his black trouser pockets. He has on a long-sleeve black shirt, which is tucked in, the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He’s gorgeous! He looks completely flawless.
Breathe, Alex!
I take a huge gulp of air. His chestnut hair isn’t messy tonight. It’s swept across his forehead. The top button on his shirt is undone, making my temperature rise. As I stand there, blatantly drooling over him, he walks over to me.
“Alex…,” he breathes out, placing his hands on my hips. I look up at him as he lowers his head to rest it against my forehead. The smell of his aftershave makes my head spin. “You look beautiful.”
He doesn’t give me time to say anything his lips are on mine. He hasn’t ever tried to kiss me in the guest house before, where my aunt or any guests could see us. I’m guessing neither of us care about boundaries right now, though, not when our time together is getting shorter.
I slide my hands around his waist and up his back, pulling him to me. He pushes me against the door behind me, his tongue softly meeting mine.
He pulls away, his eyes searching my face as he smiles. “Alex, why do you taste like whiskey?”
Oh… That’s what the battery acid stuff was. Riiiight, I do not like whiskey.
“You don’t really drink,” he says, repeating my own words back to me.
I don’t usually drink, but being around him this week, I guess I have been.
“I’m trying something new.” I smile up at him.
“We all ready?” Jay asks, sticking his head out of the lounge. His black hair is perfectly gelled back. He looks like something from the fifties. He gives a cheeky grin when he sees us in each other’s arms.
“Yeah.” Fin sighs, then looks at me. I can see he doesn’t want to go.
“Come on. It could be fun,” I whisper.
“At least I’m with you.”
I slide my hand into his as everyone comes out of the lounge. Bee drags Brad, who grins at me and Fin as he’s hauled past us, Cole and Jay following. Fin grabs his leather jacket and we bring up the rear.
* * *
I knew this was where we'd start the night off. The guys have never been to Blackpool before, so I’m guessing they asked Bee where they should go.
We stand at the back of a queue at Revolution, the vodka bar. Bee loves it here. She also knows I hate it. It’s loud, but it’s usually empty at this time. Bee likes to come here and do weird flavoured shots before going somewhere else to dance.
Everyone seems to have gone off in pairs again, leaving me alone with Fin. As I open my mouth to tell him he looks gorgeous in that shirt, Bee suddenly appears. She bounces in front of me, holding a shot glass filled with some sort of bright orange liquid. She doesn’t say anything. She just grins and thrusts the glass toward me without spilling a drop. When I go to sniff it, she actually lets me. It smells sweet.
“What is it?” I yell over the loud music.
She raises an eyebrow. “That’s not a question I’d ask,” she hollers back, giving me a cheeky grin.
I shrug and drink the orange liquid. It tastes… It tastes like pear drops. My eyes widen, making her laugh.
“Thought you'd like that one.” She disappears just as quickly as she arrived.
I look up at Fin, who just stood and watched the whole thing. He frowns at me curiously, then bends down, putting his lips to my ear, making me shiver.
“I thought you said you didn’t drink much?” he asks for the second time tonight. I shrug as the queue moves.
Once we’re finally served, we end up at one of the huge white tables next to the dance floor, which is nearly empty. I sit on one of the high stools next to Fin. He has a pint in his one hand as he leans his elbows on the table. It’s hard for us to talk over the music, but we’re doing the best we can. Bee provides entertainment, forcing Brad to dance. He looks awkward, like he isn’t drunk enough to dance yet. I’m so grateful he's here or that would be me right now. I see Cole and Jay talking to an obvious hen party by the bar. I think Cole has made it his mission to get laid tonight, and seeing as Fin and Brad are occupied, he's dragging Jay around, who looks really uncomfortable. Maybe he’s worried his girlfriend will find out. He is on edge, but he's dutifully playing the role of wingman. I wonder if Fin or Brad would be playing that role if they had never met us.
Fin and I talk about the B&B, and I tell him about the email I received thanking me for the offer. He smiles, about to say something, when Bee again bounces over with yet another shot glass containing a green liquid. She grins at me, not saying a word. I gesture to my vodka, lemon, and lime. She just shakes her head and pushes the shot glass closer. Shrugging, I pick it up and drink it.
“Oh… Gummy bears?” I ask. She just laughs and drags Brad back to the dance floor.
Fin leans toward me. “Alex… Are you okay?” The only way you can talk in here is by putting your lips directly on the person’s ear.
“Fine. Why?”
“Well, Bee is buying you shots and, for some reason, you’re actually drinking them.”
“I'm just loosening up, I guess…” I shake my head before putting my lips back to his ear. “I just feel so weighed down right now, Fin.”
He nods and turns to face me. I see a brief moment of pain in his eyes as he sips his drink.
“You think I don’t know why you’re drinking, Alex?” He slides his hand into mine, squeezing it.
“Um… Okay, Mystic Meg. Why am I drinking?” I ask with a smirk.
“Maybe because I’ll be leaving soon?”
I take a sip of my drink, ignoring his gaze and his question.
“Are you forgetting the big life-changing decisions I’ve made this week?” I ask.
“No, not at all. I just think it’s more than that right now.”
My eyes meet his. I don’t know whether or not I hate the fact he can already read me so well. I stare into those golden eyes. I am going to miss that colour.
“Hey, I have a very important question.” I grin and scoot my stool closer to his.
“Yes?” he asks, smirking.
“How much time and effort does this take?” I run my hand along the stubble on his cheek. He laughs as I pull my hand back. He takes a sip of his drink, then turns back to me.
“It takes a lot of effort not to just shave the whole lot off. Why? Don’t you like it? I could get rid of it.”
I shake my head fiercely. I slide my hand along his cheek again, his eyes on mine the whole time. He pulls my hand away and plants a kiss in the palm.
Holy…shit! I felt that kiss through my entire body. Is that just because of the alcohol? If it is, I like it.
He pulls his lips away from my hand and holds it in his on the table, looking at me. I’m pretty sure he knows he has just rendered me brain dead with his lips.
Brad walks up. “We’re on the move, guys.” He points at Bee, who is rounding up Cole and Jay. Considering Cole is leaving the girl he just spent the past hour talking to, he seems happy enough. Jay looks ecstatic that were moving.
* * *
I hate all this clubbing business because I can’t talk to Fin like I want to. At the same time, I love having to press up against him to hear him talk. Who knew being Bee could be so much fun. So far, I've only spent £8 on drinks for me and Fin. However, just because I’ve only paid for two drinks doesn’t mean I’ve only had two. In fact, I’ve actually had four shots and two vodka, lemon, and limes. I feel great!
As we stand near the bar in the second club, Fin leans close to my ear, making me shiver. “Are you having fun yet?”
I don’t know if it’s the alcohol taking over, but I push my back into his chest, making his breath falter. It’s about time I take his breath away like he keeps doing to me. His hands slide from my waist to wrap around my stomach, holding me to him. God, my head's swimming. All I can feel is Fin.
I turn to the left, where his head rests on my shoulder. “Well, it’s not so bad right now.” I grind against him to the rhythm of the loud music. I feel him smirk as he brushes his lips down the side of my neck, making me shiver a little. His fingers dig into my skin as he shuffles me forward as the queue moves.
“Do you really need another drink, Miss Duke?” His lips graze my ear and I stop moving to the music, melting into his body. He presses his lips to my bare shoulder, which makes me shiver. I wish Fin and I were alone somewhere. I close my eyes and give in to the sensation of his lips on my skin. I really don’t care who can see us right now. That has to be the alcohol, right?
“Alex, are you okay?” he whispers.
I open my eyes and turn around to face him. His eyes are dark, but shine at the same time. I’m only now realising the dangers of acting like Bee when I’m around Fin. I feel like I could easily break rule two, and that’s just from standing in this dingy club. Imagine if we were alone. I bite my lip and nod, still studying his face. This is going to be tough.
* * *
We are on the way to what I think is our third club, but I’ve lost count. I’ve also lost count of how many drinks I’ve had so far. In that last club, I think I had one drink and one shot. The shot was clear and tasted like aniseeds. It was gross.
Bee leads us all to her favourite club, Sanuk, which is probably where we'll spend the rest of the night. I stand on my tiptoes in order to see the top of Bee’s head as we walk. She’s laughing at something Brad said.
Smirking, I look down at the heels she made me wear. Normally, heels cripple me, but these aren’t even stinging yet. I stand still for a moment and stomp on the ground. I laugh loudly.
Fin stops next to me, frowning down at me. “What are you doing?”
“I think my feet are numb.” I stomp again.
He laughs. “I think that might be the alcohol.” He tightens his grip on my hand and pulls me forward to join the queue to get into the club.
“Aren’t you drunk, Finnley?” I ask.
He smiles, turning to look at me. “No. A little merry maybe. It takes more than a few pints to get me drunk.”
I instantly see that as a challenge as he shuffles me down the queue a little more, still holding onto my hand. Cole and Jay stand right in front of us. I try and listen to what they are discussing. It sounds like Cole is hell-bent on getting laid tonight. I hope he doesn’t plan on doing it in the B&B. I almost tell him that, but Fin moves me closer to the door, distracting me.
When I hear loud music pouring onto the street, I start to bend my knees to the beat.
“We should dance,” I excitedly tell Fin.
“You don’t dance, Alex.”
That is very true, but I am not me tonight, am I? I am Bailey tonight, and Bailey loves to dance.
“I do tonight,” I say, still bopping.
The entrance of the club is dark, then we walk into the main room. It’s loud and warm, bodies pressed against each other on the dance floor, lights flashing all around.
Brad turns to Fin. “You want a drink?” he shouts.
“No, thanks.”
Brad turns and looks at me, eyebrows raised. I smile and nod. Before he can walk off, Fin grabs his arm and says something in his ear.
“Come with me!” Bee says, starting to drag me to the dance floor. I know this song, I actually want to dance. I’m feeling rather merry, thanks to the alcohol, and my feet are too numb to the tortures of heels.
The dance floor is packed, but Bee manages to find a little wiggle room for us. She wraps her arms around my neck and squeezes me to her. She’s drunk… If she is Bailey and she is drunk…and tonight I am Bailey….
Wait, am I drunk, too? I close my eyes, the room starts to spin. I think I might be.
“So, how are you doing?” Bee yells into my ear. She’s too close and really doesn’t need to shout quite that loudly, so I pull my head back a little.
“Great,” I holler back.
She lets go of me as we dance. She whirls me, making me laugh. I try to look for Fin, but the room is spinning. He'll find me. He usually does.
There are bodies everywhere. Sweaty bodies, male bodies, female bodies. Bare shoulders, bare backs, bare legs. Every one of them is moving in time to the new song…
Wait. New song? How long have we been dancing? I think I feel sick. Where's Fin?
“Bee!” I grab her arm and pull her to me. “Where’s Fin?” I shout. She shrugs, still dancing. “I’m going to go find him.” She nods and carries on dancing.
Fuck, I have no clue which direction we came from.
I stumble and push through sweaty, drunk bodies, reaching a black wall. Blowing out a breath, I lean on the wall for a moment to think.
The wall!
If I follow the wall, I’ll find the door we came through, then see the bar. I place my hands on the wall and walk them along it.
My plan has worked well…until now. There's a group of guys leaning against my wall. All of them walk off, except one guy holding a beer. He looks right at me. He looks familiar.
“Hey!” He smiles and wraps his arms around me. I hug him back, but I have no clue who he is.
“Hey…” I frown. I know him and he knows me, but I don’t know from where.
He pulls back. “The pub the other night?” He watches my face, waiting.
Oh, the guy who asked for my number! I look up at his face. Yes, I remember his green eyes now.
“Listen, we’re going somewhere else. Come with us,” he says. I see his friends already walking out the door.
The door! I found the door!
“I...” I shake my head and search for Fin.
“Come on. We’ll have a laugh.” He grabs my wrist and starts pulling me along.
“No, I can’t…” I stumble forward and try and pull away from him, but he tightens his grip. I feel so weak and lightheaded. I want to find Fin. I need to find Fin.
“Wait!” I shout, but he doesn’t stop walking.
I look around, seeing we’re outside. How did we get out here so quickly? My head’s spinning and my heart’s pounding. No one has any clue where I am. Why hasn’t he let go yet?
“Come on.” The guy pulls on my wrist again, hurting me.
“I can’t… I don’t want to.” I try to stop. He pulls on my wrist again, but I put all my weight behind pulling back. He turns to look at me.
“I said come on!” he snaps, his expression angry. Then he smiles and tries to laugh it off. “We’re losing them. We need to hurry.” He pulls on me again.
“No!” I shake my head, making the spinning worse. I stumble forward a couple steps.
“Move!” he snaps.
“I believe the lady said no,” I hear from behind me, my eyes filling with tears of relief.
“This has nothing to do with you, so back off!” the guy snaps at Fin, his hand still gripping my wrist.
Fin walks up to us, he doesn’t look at me, he’s staring at the guy who is still holding my wrist. Fin looks totally calm. Calmer than I am right now.
His hands are in his pockets as he looks up at the guy. “Let her go.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are? I said back off!”
In one quick motion, Fin’s fist collides with the guy’s face, forcing him to let go of me and hold his now bleeding lip. I let out a shocked squeal, putting my hand to my chest.
Fin turns to me, his eyes so dark that they look black. I see the anger behind them slowly start to fade. He looks into my eyes, then gently takes my wrist to inspect it, rubbing his thumb over it. I wince a little. I can’t speak yet. Something about seeing Fin punch that guy in the face has sobered me up. I think I'm in shock.
The guy inspects the blood on his hand and slowly starts to move away from us. “What’s your fucking problem, man?!” he yells, then quickly scurries off after his friends.
“What the fuck, Fin? Are you crazy?” I hear Cole snap.
I look around. I hadn't realised we were only a few feet from the main entrance of the club. I see Bailey, Brad, and Jay standing by the door. It felt like he'd dragged me down the street for miles. Maybe that was because I was scared, or drunk…or both.
Cole tries to pull Fin by the shoulder. He shrugs him off and turns, glaring. I pull on Fin’s arm to bring his attention back to me. I touch his cheek softly, seeing the anger leave his eyes, replaced by pain.
“Come on,” I say softly, sliding my hand into his, leading him away from the club.
“Where the fuck are you going?” Cole shouts. We both ignore him.
“Let me know when you get home,” Bee yells.
I nod as I pull Fin farther away.
I lead him across the road to where its quieter, less people. We walk in silence as we head in the direction of The Driftwood.
“Are you okay?” he finally whispers.
I nod. “I think so.” I look down at our joined hands. “How did you find me?”
“I never lost you, Alex. I was watching you the whole time. I just couldn’t get to you as quickly as I wanted when I saw that twat pulling you out of the club.”
“I was so scared, Fin. I couldn’t get him to stop and nobody knew where I was.”
He looks at me. “I’d never let anything happen to you.” He squeezes my hand, making me believe him.
We continue walking along the seafront. The wind has messed up Fin's hair and straightened my curls. It’s dark, the only light coming from the lamps dotted here and there along the coastline. I shiver slightly.
“Here.” Fin stops walking and shrugs off his leather jacket, placing it around my shoulders. I look up at him and smile. He gives me a sweet smile back. I take hold of his right hand and inspect his bruised, raw knuckles.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“I guess,” he says, watching me the whole time.
“You'll get cold without your jacket.”
He grasps my hand again and we start walking. “I’m actually quite warm. I guess adrenaline raises your body temperature.” He tries to smile.
“You don’t punch people often then?”
He smirks, shaking his head. “No, definitely not. I’ve only ever punched one other person and that was Cole.”
I stop walking, I’m in shock. “Cole?!”
He tugs on my hand, making me move again. I knew they weren't as close as the other guys, but I never would have imagined he would have ever punched Cole.
“Did he punch you back?” I wonder.
He shakes his head. “No, because he knew I was right.”
I nod. It’s weird how sober I feel after seeing Fin stand up for me like he did.
Fin sighs. He lets go of my hand and walks over to a bench, falling onto it heavily.
“Alex, I am such a fuck-up.” He runs a hand over his face. When he finally looks at me again, his eyes are filled with pain.
“No, you’re not.”
He shakes his head. “I feel so lost.”
I sit down next to him. “Is this about your job?”
“No. It’s about everything.” He sniggers. “I’m such a fuck-up, even my own parents didn’t want me.”
Eyes wide, I stare at him. His eyes look heavy. Have they always looked that way? I know he was adopted, but that didn’t mean his parents didn’t want him. Babies are put up for adoption for many reasons.
“Fin, you can’t think like that.”
He shakes his head. “When I was twelve, the people I knew as my parents told me I was adopted.” He turns to look at me. I’m shocked by the emotion swimming in his eyes. “I asked them about my birth parents, but they couldn’t tell me much. I wanted to know them. I wanted them to know me. I had so many questions.”
He turns to look out into the darkness, as if remembering. I wish I could say something, but I can’t. I wouldn’t know what to say anyway. I’m scared if I do speak, he’ll stop sharing his past with me. This is the most he’s told me since I met him. I don’t want to ruin that.
“On my fourteenth birthday, my mom and dad sat me down and said if I waited until I was eighteen and still wanted to find them, they would help me.”
I nod, watching the side of his face. He bites his lip before continuing.
“I think they hoped I would grow out of it by then, but I didn’t. I never stopped wanting to know them.”
He sighs. “We lived in Suffolk then. I started the search for my birth parents and, true to their word, my parents helped. I’m sure it killed them to think the child they raised wanted to get to know the parents who gave him up, but they helped anyway. I think I was nineteen when I found out they lived in a town called Cowley in Oxford.”
I gasp. His eyes tear away from the sea to look at me. I’m afraid my gasp will stop him from sharing with me, but I couldn’t help it. He moved to Cowley to be near his birth parents.
“You have to understand, Alex. I didn’t see the pain I was causing my adoptive parents at the time. We had so many fights over this, but I still didn’t care. After everything they did for me, after all their help… One night, we had a huge fight and that was it. I decided the best thing to do was just leave. I packed up everything I owned and moved to Cowley. That’s when Brad took me in and got me my job.”
I grasp his hand, squeezing it tightly. “What happened in Cowley, Fin?”
“I found their address. It took me a month or so after I moved there to get it, then weeks to pluck up the courage to go knock on their door.”
He shakes his head. I feel so much anger and pain in that one simple movement.
“I had this picture in my head that they would be so happy to see me, like I was to finally see them.”
He looks at my hand in his. The pain in his expression makes my heart ache. I watch the tears form. I squeeze his hand tighter.
“Turns out, they really didn't want to see me. In fact, they got so angry, they yelled that I never should have come there before slamming the door.” His voice cracks, as does my heart.
He turns to face me. “One of the only memories I have of my birth parents is them shouting and slamming a door in my face.”
I feel a tear slide down my face. I quickly move to wipe it away. I don’t want him to see me upset by his past. I want to be strong for him, but I can’t help it. Getting to know Fin this past week, I don’t know how anyone could turn him away, especially his parents.
“Fin….,” I whisper and reach out to touch his cheek. I turn his head to face me and rest my forehead on his, then touch his lips with mine. He kisses me back with urgency. I groan at the forcefulness. I feel his hands slide under his leather jacket I’m still wearing and take hold of my waist. Right now, I know this is the only thing I can do to get rid of that pain behind his eyes. Use our connection, my lips...my body. He tightens his grip on my waist, his lips still fiercely moving on mine, and lifts me onto his lap so I’m straddling him. I grasp his hair. His hands dig into my waist as he pulls me closer, my knees pushing into the wood of the bench. It’s painful, but I like it. His hands slowly slide down my body until I feel his warmth on my bare thigh, sending a hot shiver right through me.
I feel his hands slide up my dress, pushing up the fabric. I can’t breathe! I push my lips into his as his tongue begins to roughly explore my mouth, his breath coming in short bursts as I feel his fingers hook into the waistband of my underwear.
Holy shit! I’m going to have sex with Fin on a bench!
I feel my heart beat throughout my entire body as he slowly starts to pull on my underwear. If having sex with him right here on this bench will take away even an ounce of that pain I just saw in his eyes, I’ll definitely do it, rules or no rules.
He suddenly pulls away, his hands quickly leaving my skin, grasping my waist again. “Fuck! Emergency stop! Emergency stop!” He swallows hard, breathless. “Shit, Alex. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He doesn’t even look at me. His head falls onto my chest.
Blowing out a shaky breath, I grab his face and make him look at me. “Please, don’t be.”
I place my lips back on his again, letting him know he hasn’t done anything wrong, that I’m okay with breaking my rule for him. He returns my kiss briefly before pulling away again, shaking his head.
“But you’re drunk, and I—”
“I’m not drunk.” And I mean it. As soon as his fist collided with that prick’s face, I quickly sobered up.
“That’s not the point.” He closes his eyes, shaking his head. “We have rules for a reason, Alex, and I’ll be damned if we break that particular rule on a bench. Not tonight, not like this.” He wraps his arms around my waist, resting his head on my chest again. I place my arms around his neck. We stay like that for what feels like hours.
* * *
I'm still wearing Fin's jacket, which smells just like him—a mixture of worn leather and aftershave. I never want to give it back, but I don’t think he’d truly be Fin without it.
We haven’t spoken since our ordeal on the bench. I still have so many questions, but if asking them means I’d see the pain in his eyes again, I’d rather not.
We reach The Driftwood. Instead of walking through the gate, Fin leans up against the wall next to it. He places his hands on my hips, pulling me closer.
“Are you okay?” he asks. After everything, I can’t believe he just asked if I’m okay. I nod as he rubs my back.
“Are you?” I ask, reaching out to gently touch his cheek.
He smiles softly, taking my hand and holding it. “I’m worried I just overloaded you with all my shit.”
“No, you didn’t. I’m glad you’re comfortable enough with me to tell me.” I try to keep my voice steady. I can still see the image of him on the bench. The pain in his eyes, like he was about to lose it, like he was barely holding it together, makes me want to hold him until all the cracks are sealed again.
“It’s only fair, right? You told me about your painful past.” He tries to give me a light-hearted laugh, but fails. He shakes his head. “Thank you, Alex.” He pulls me closer. I rest my hands on his chest, looking into his dark eyes. “ for listening to all that, for just being there for me.”
I shake my head. He takes my chin between his finger and thumb, making me look into his eyes.
“I didn’t do anything,” I whisper.
“That’s a lie, and you know it.” He stares at me for a long moment, then releases my chin. “Anyway…” His voice is a little lighter. “I’m guessing you have questions.”
I bite my lip and look at him. I do, but I won’t ask them. I won’t make him talk about it.
“Look, Fin, I don’t—”
He holds up a hand. “Alex, it’s okay. Might as well get it all out there, right? Like ripping off an emotional plaster. Do it quickly, get it over with.”
I watch his face. I have so many question, but they aren’t important. I just have one on the tip of my tongue.
“Come on, Alex. I can tell you have questions.”
“One.” I keep my eyes on his to make sure he’s still okay with this.
He smiles. “Okay.” He folds his arms across his chest, like he’s preparing himself.
I tilt my head. “You punched Cole?”
He blows out a breath and looks at the ground. He nods, sliding his hands into mine and looking at me.
“I wasn’t lying. It really is a long story.” He lets out a huge sigh. “Turns out, my parents got rid of me because I was a boy.” He shrugs, like it’s no big deal. I frown. He must have that wrong. That can’t be right. “I have a sister, Alex.” His dark eyes watch mine as he waits for everything to sink in. “Not too long after giving me up, they had Lisa. She’s just a year younger. They got rid of me and kept her.”
The hurt in his voice pains me. No one would do that, would they? Give up their child because he’s not the sex they wanted?
“No. That can’t be right.” I shake my head, refusing to believe it.
He nods, squeezing my hands. “It took some more digging to find out who she was. By then, unfortunately, Cole had already started dating her.”
I feel sick. I hate this whole situation he had to go through. It’s hard to listen to.
“Things between them weren’t serious yet. We'd formed the band around six months before that, and I'd just written my first song. I couldn’t deal with her being so close—at practices, gigs. I certainly couldn’t handle the thought of her and Cole together. One day, I respectfully asked Cole to stop seeing her.
“The guys pretty much know my past, so they all knew how finding Lisa knocked me sideways.
“Anyway, Cole did split up with Lisa like I asked him to, but he slept with her first. I overheard him telling Jay.”
I frown, all respect I had for Cole disappearing. “Why?”
“When I confronted him about it, he said he’d been drinking, couldn’t control himself… Some bullshit like that. So I punched him square in the jaw. He knew he deserved it.”
“He definitely did! Jesus, Fin.”
“We’re okay now, I guess, but as you know, we still have our issues. Now you know why.”
“Fin, I am so sorry,” I whisper.
He shakes his head and pulls me into his chest. I close my eyes and listen to his heart. “Don’t be. It’s all in the past now.” He rests his chin on my head, holding me. It might be his past, but it’s something he lives with every single day. I relax in his arms and think about everything. We have both lost our parents, but I don’t know whose pain would be worse—mine or his. His lyrics play over in my head and start to make sense.
His tattoo!
I step back from him and grasp his left arm, holding it out in order to read the script on his forearm once more.
“Yeah, it’s about them,” he says before I even ask. I run my fingers over the words once more. They hold more sadness than I first realised. “I was twenty-one.” I watch the goosebumps break out across his skin.
“You’re cold.” I pull my hand back and look up into his face.
He smiles gently. “No, I’m not, Alex.” He keeps his eyes on mine. Oh, it me causing that reaction? Wow.
“Come on.”
He takes my hand and leads me up to the door, using his key to
unlock it. Although his hand in mine feels more like home than the walls of The Driftwood ever did. He walks in and starts up the stairs, my hand still in his.
I stop on the bottom step, looking up at him as he pulls on my hand.
“Fin…,” I say, pulling my hand out of his.
He pauses and turns to look at me. Him in that outfit and the gold colour starting to filter back into his eyes almost make me forget what I’m about to say… Almost.
“I’ve already had one guy try to take advantage of my drunken state tonight,” I joke.
He takes a step back down and looks at me. “Alex, if anything were going to happen between us, do you really think I’d want it to happen when you’ve been drinking?” He smiles, making my insides melt. “I’d want you to remember every single second of it.”
Oh, my god!
I'm pretty sure my jaw just fell open. That grin and the sexy smell of his aftershave… It’s all too much. He holds his hand out again for me to take.
“After everything we've talked about tonight, I just don’t fancy being left alone with my thoughts right now. That’s all.”
His smile drops a little. Whether he's telling the truth or it is just a huge plan to get me into his bed, I don’t care. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to be on my own, either. I slide my hand into his and let him lead me up to his room.
Once there, Fin throws his keys onto the bedside table and rubs his hand over the back of his neck. I slide out of his jacket and hang it on the back of the chair.
I have a momentary feeling of awkwardness.
“Do you want a coffee or anything?” he asks, pointing to the kettle and the tea and coffee tray I refill each morning.
“I'll get it.”
I move over to the kettle. It’s already full, so I just switch it on. Fin sits on the bed and rests his head against the headboard, watching me. Once it’s ready, I pour us both a coffee and set them on his bedside table. His hand grasps mine and pulls me to him. I tuck myself between his legs again. This time, I’m sitting sideways, trying to keep my dignity in this dress. I'd love to go and change, but I don’t want to leave him. He still looks so vulnerable. He wraps his arms around me, and I lean my head on his chest.
“Thank you, Alex.”
I lift my head to look at him. “For what?”
“For listening, for coming up here with me. You didn’t have to trust me.”
I shrug. “I guess not…but I do.”
He smiles softly, his lips gently touching mine. I shift my body in order to have full access to those gorgeous lips. I rest my hands on his chest, feeling his heart speed up.
I quickly pull away, my eyes searching his face. When he smiles, I feel my stomach and heart flip, realising I’ve fallen for Fin. It seems he’s fallen for me, too. I lean forward to kiss him again, but he pulls away before I can.
“Emergency stop,” he says softly. “I said I wouldn’t do anything when you’ve been drinking, and I meant it.” He runs his hand through my hair. “So, in order to make sure that doesn’t happen, I’m calling a halt before this goes somewhere it shouldn’t.”
“Like I would break my own rule, Finnley,” I scoff and rest my head back on his chest, his arms tightening around me.
“Hey, Alex?” His voice is barely a whisper.
“Yes?” I ask sleepily, feeling cosy in his arms.
“Would you have stopped me tonight? Back on the bench, I mean.”
I lift my head and look him in the eyes, prepared to have one of the most uncomfortable moments with a guy ever.
“I… I saw how much pain you were in.” I shrug.
He narrows his eyes. “So?”
“To stop you from being in that kind of pain... No, Finnley. I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
He pulls me to him and squeezes me tightly.
* * *
“You know where.”
I squeeze my eyes shut when I hear the strained voice. I keep still, trying to remember where I am.
Fin… I am with Fin.
I open one eye, then shut it again. I guess I fell asleep in Fin’s room.
“Of course... Yes, she's with me... Yes, she’s safe. I’ll text Brad so he can tell her.”
Fin must be on the phone.
“Yes, I can blame you, Cole,” he whispers through gritted teeth. “If you would have just told her or me, she wouldn’t have gotten blind drunk in the first place.”
I open an eye again to see Fin standing at the window, his back to me. He's trying to keep his voice low, but he's getting angry. When he turns back around, I quickly close my eye.
“Don’t play dumb. You already know... Yes, Cole, I care about her, but you already knew that. That’s why you kept this from us.”
He just admitted he cares about me? I want to run over to him and kiss him all over because I care about him, too.
“Yeah, you’re right. I planned all of this. Do you know how stupid you sound right now? Go back to drinking your weight in lager, Cole. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I hear his phone bounce on Brad’s bed. I flinch at the sound.
“Alex?” I try to act like I’m still sleeping. “I know you’re awake. I’m just wondering how long you’ve been awake.”
I feel him sit on the bed, placing a hand on my leg. The warmth makes my heart speed up, but I keep my eyes closed.
“I’ve been awake long enough to hear you say you care about me.” I open my eyes, seeing him smiling at me.
“I do…but you already knew that.”
He’s right. I had guessed; otherwise, he wouldn’t have shared his past with me.
“Did you hear anything else?” he asks as I scoot up and sit against the headboard, my legs flat on the bed to keep my dress down.
“Bits. It didn’t make sense without hearing Cole’s side of things.”
He nods. “We have a gig Monday night. We’re here until Tuesday morning, at least. Cole made sure it was okay with your aunt this afternoon.”
I squeal softly and lunge at him to sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. He laughs as I squeeze him to me, enveloping me in his arms.
“God, it’s nice to know you don’t want me to leave as much as I don’t want to leave,” he says into my shoulder, still laughing.
“Of course I don’t want you to leave, Fin.” I lift his head and capture his lips with mine. I am so happy, I feel like crying right now.
He suddenly flops back onto the bed. I laugh as I fall with him. We're quiet for a long moment. The smile slowly fades from his lips.
“So, if you want to go back to your room, I’ll completely understand.”
I roll off him and prop myself up on my elbow as he sits up, looking at me for a long moment before he stands.
“I’m not leaving you, not after what you said about leaving you alone with your thoughts. I know all too well what that feels like.”
He smiles. “You’re planning on staying the night with me?”
“As long as you can control yourself.”
“Do I really need to remind you, Miss Duke, that I wouldn’t ever do anything while you’ve been drinking?”
I’m still not sure if I believe that line, but I also know I’m not leaving him.
He walks across the room to the dresser near the door and pulls out a plain green t-shirt. I'm pretty sure it’s what he wore to the gig last night. He holds it up against his body, judging the length, then throws it next to me on the bed. I look at it, then back at him.
“Well, you can either go grab your little shorts and vest top, or you can sleep in this.”
I already know I’m going to go for the t-shirt because I know it will smell like him. I grab it and swing my legs off the bed.
He picks up a t-shirt off the floor, placing it at the foot of the bed. When he starts undoing his shirt, I gulp. Shit, he's changing right in front of me? I know I don’t have the willpower to look away politely like I should, so I stand to go into the bathroom. As soon as I do, he slides out of the shirt.
Fuck!
I know I am staring, but I can’t help it. I’m probably drooling a little, too. His body has always felt amazing every single time he has pulled me against him, but seeing it in the flesh… Holy shit. I need to get out of the room. It just got so warm in here! He notices me staring and, smirking, slides the t-shirt over his head.
“Jesus, Finnley…”
I walk into the bathroom. I hear him laugh as I shut the door.
I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I have no makeup remover, so I guess I’m sleeping with makeup on. I slide out of the little white dress and slip Fin’s t-shirt over my head. I move my hair out the way and look at myself in the mirror again. His t-shirt comes to roughly where my little shorts would, but I still feel a little exposed. Getting changed only took seconds, but I’m stalling to give Fin enough time to get dressed. I can’t walk back out there if he’s not. I don’t know if my heart can take that. Images of him topless suddenly flood my mind. I’m definitely committing that one to memory.
Finally feeling brave enough to leave the safety of the bathroom, I slowly open the door and peer around it. Fin is in bed, leaning against the headboard, wearing a white t-shirt and God knows what under those sheets. He has his phone in his hand.
“That was Brad. He told me to tell you Bailey got home okay.” He smiles, putting his phone down, then looks at me. “Wow.” He blinks a few times and puts his hands behind his head.
“So he won’t be coming back then?” I ask, trying to avoid his stare as I walk to the bed. This should be fun. The two of us in a single bed.
“Nope. You’re safe. By the way, that shirt looks so much better on you than it does on me.”
He pulls back the covers for me. I tug down the bottom of the t-shirt a few times before I slide in beside him. He scoots down and moves over as much as he can. This should feel weird and uncomfortable, we’ve only known each other a week, but it doesn’t. It feels…
Oh… Boxers.
I feel them as I wrap my leg around his. I rest my head on his chest as his arm slides around me and holds me to him.
“What time is it?” I whisper.
“2:45,” he whispers back. “Are you okay like this?”
“Yeah, I am.” I trace invisible patterns on his chest. “Are you?” I look up at him.
He smiles. “Yeah, I’m all good.”
He leans over to the light switch between the two beds and flips it off, filling the room with darkness.
“Good night, Alexis.” He kisses my forehead.
“Good night, Finnley.”