I avoid my phone at all costs, mainly because I am avoiding Fin at all costs. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I want to see him. Today was amazing, even before the kissing. I lightly trace my bottom lip with my fingertips as I remember his lips on mine and how sweet they tasted.
Hmm, did it just get warm in here?
Nevertheless, I still think I’m going to cancel our date tonight. I don't want his friends to resent me for stealing him from them all week. Cole already looks at me like I’m the Devil.
If I put my phone on silent, I can pretend I fell asleep. It is 6:30pm now. If I wait another hour, he'll go out with the guys. Until then, I just need to keep busy.
* * *
I live in a dungeon... Okay, I don’t, but I have no windows, so I don’t know how much time has passed. I’m guessing at least an hour because I was able to tidy my wardrobe, which takes some doing. Everything is now on hangers and organised into dresses, tops, and bottoms, then colour-coded. I glance at my clock hanging above my door. 7.48pm. My stomach churns. I feel awful for letting Fin down.
Taking a deep breath, I check my phone. I have several messages and missed calls. I sit on the end of my bed with a sigh as I read the texts.
Hey. Thought we were meeting tonight.
I feel bad, but I can’t steal him from his friends. I’d hate for Bee to abandon me for a guy...although that has happened a few times.
Hope I didn’t upset you at the beach. Would still really like to see you, if you’re up for it x.
His messages cause a strange reaction in me. I really did want to see him, but I didn’t realise just how much. I’m sitting here sulking because I totally made the wrong choice. I start typing.
Oh, my god! I’m so sorry, Fin. Guess I fell asleep. Hope you’re not too mad at me.
I bite my lip at the lie. I really hate lying.
I sit with the phone in my hand for at least fifteen minutes, hoping for a reply.
Nothing.
With a sigh, I heave myself off the bed. Well, at least I know my plan worked and he went out with his friends. So why do I feel so bad? I know why. I imagine him hitting on another girl, doing whatever with her before he comes back here. Why shouldn’t he? Nowhere in my rules did I say he couldn’t have sex with other girls. Why the hell didn’t I make that a rule? Either way, I told him no sex. I guess that’s a lot to expect a single guy on holiday in Blackpool to put up with.
I'm going to drive myself mad wondering what he's doing and who he's doing it with.
I pick up my phone and check it. Still nothing. God, am I going to keep doing this to myself until he comes back?
I look around my room. I don’t think it’s been this clean since I was sixteen and Aunt Jill said she'd buy me a computer if I kept it clean for a whole week. I need to find some way to keep busy.
Sheets!
The sheets I took off the beds this morning are sitting in the dryer, waiting to be folded. I smile at my idea.
Jill is sitting in our living room, laughing, as Alistair shakes his head. I haven’t a clue what she just did to make her laugh at herself, but I can tell that’s what happening by the smile on Alistair’s face. I clear my throat from the doorway.
Jill smiles at me over the back of the sofa. “Oh… Hi, sweetheart. Are you okay? We thought you’d gone to sleep.”
“I did doze off. I’m just going to fold the bedding from this morning.”
She gives me the same look she always does, like I have no life and she suspects it’s her fault. It's not.
I walk out of the living room and up the five steps to the main guest house. I open the door and smile at the scent of the air freshener in the lobby. I love how it greets me every time I come up here. The guest house is still and silent as I walk into the lounge area. The lights are off, and the setting sun casts an orange glow over the room.
Shit!
I jump when I see the silhouette of someone sitting on the window seat.
I’m glad I kept my cursing to myself in front of a guest. I quickly search for the light switch on the wall as my other hand clutches my chest, trying to calm my heart. When I flick on the light, my eyes narrow.
“Fin?”
He’s sitting how I usually sit…leaning against the window, watching the sea down the street. He has some sort of book in his hand. My heart doesn’t slow down when he looks at me, his face completely straight.
“What are you doing here?” I ask. I’m shocked, but delighted to see him at the same time. It means he isn’t out with some other girl.
“Well, I had a date, but she stood me up.” His lips are pulled into a thin line. He closes the book and tucks it between him and the window. Damn it, I wish I was calm enough to have noticed what he deems suitable reading material.
“I’m sorry. I fell asleep.”
“No, you didn’t. You were avoiding me.” He stands and slowly walks toward me, still not smiling. He reaches me and shoves his hands into his pockets. “I know why you did it, too, which makes it hard to be mad. I know you were trying to do what you thought was right.” He brings a hand up to gently touch my cheek. My breath catches in my throat.
“I’m sorry.” I sigh. His skin on mine makes it so hard to think. He lets his hand drop, then puts it into his pocket again. “I wanted to see you, but I felt bad. I don’t want to constantly steal you away from your friends. I don’t want to be that girl.”
“I know. I knew that’s what you were doing around 6.45pm,” he says with a hint of a smile.
“I thought you'd just go out with your friends and have some fun.” I shrug.
He looks down at his feet and nods. “The guys are like family to me...” He lifts his head and looks me in the eyes, “but I see them every day of every week. We work together, we live in the same building. They get that I want to spend time with you. The only person who doesn’t seem to understand that is you. Besides, no one will miss me.”
He looks sad. I know there’s so much about him he doesn’t want to share with me. That doesn’t stop me from wanting to know.
“So… Are you free right now?” he asks, looking behind me at the door to our living quarters.
“Totally free.”
He smiles. My breath stops in my throat again as his hand inches toward my cheek, but he doesn’t touch me. Instead, he reaches past me to the light switch, flipping it off. The room instantly glows bright orange from the setting sun. His hand slides down my arm and into my hand. He pulls me to the window seat, moving the book out of the way. He sits down with his back against the wall, puts one leg alongside the window, then tugs me down to sit between his legs. He pulls me back into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. My head rests on his left shoulder, his chin resting on my right one. Silently, we look out the window at the setting sun. We sit this way for a while. It’s so comfortable.
“So, tell me more about Alexis Duke,” he says softly, his lips brushing my ear, sending chills throughout my body.
“What do you want to know?”
I feel his breathing change. I think I already know what he’s going to ask. He tried to ask it yesterday, but I avoided the question.
“Why Blackpool?”
His simple question stops my breath in my throat. I knew I was going to have to talk about this sooner or later. I guess I should just get it out of the way.
“I didn’t really have much choice.”
“Oh…”
“It’s okay.” Now.
It wasn’t okay for many years. That’s why I am so close to Jill, and I guess it’s the reason I feel like I can’t leave her to pursue my own life. Jill and the B&B are all I have known for more than half my life. I have had years to deal with what happened. It doesn’t mean I don’t think about them every day.
“I lost my parents in a road accident when I was ten,” I finally say.
Fin sucks in a breath. “Alex, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. Honestly, I’m fine.”
The accident isn’t something I talk about much anymore, but for some strange reason, I feel safe talking to Fin.
“Jill and Bert were the only family I had left, so I came to live with them.”
“Then you lost Bert, too.”
“Yeah.” I try and laugh at the fact fate took so many people from me so quickly. I know it’s not funny, but thinking about it too seriously will open up all the wounds it has taken so long to heal.
“God, Alex. I’m sorry.”
I nod, tears stinging my eyes. I guess saying it out loud brings it all back. His arms tighten around me even more. I feel like if I do break down right now, Fin will hold me together.
“It’s okay.”
“I shouldn’t have asked,” he whispers.
I shake my head. “I’m fine now. I wasn’t for years. It took me a long time to be fine.”
He kisses my cheek as he squeezes me. I need a distraction.
“Anyway, you wanted to know about me. Now you know my horrid past.”
“I’m sorry you went through all that.”
I rest my hand on his arm that’s wrapped tightly around me as I play it out in my head. The memories of my life before the accident seem to be slowly fading, but the memory of the accident is still as clear as day as it moves in slow motion.
“You think about them a lot?”
“Every…single…day. The anger I had has worn off over the years, though.”
I stare at the sun, desperately trying to pull up images of my parents. Images of a birthday in our garden back in Birmingham come to mind. It’s one of the memories I still have. But that’s all they are now. Pictures. They don’t move. I don’t remember my dad’s walk. Did he swing his arms? Did he limp? I can’t remember little things like that anymore.
“Do you remember them?” he asks, as if reading my thoughts. His breath is warm across my cheek.
I shrug. “Bits. I was ten when it happened, so I still have some memories. Just not as many as I’d like.” A small smile touches my lips as tears fill my eyes. “I had ten years more than some people get, so I'm lucky, I guess.”
I feel so safe in his huge, manly arms. His lips gently brush my cheek and linger there.
“We were actually on our way up here to stay with Jill to see the lights. I can still see it clearly. Some drunk driver in a Land Rover swerved into our car.” I have no clue why I’m telling him this. Maybe because I need to say it.
“You were with them?”
I nod. “Yeah, they were bringing me to see the illumination.” I hear him sigh.
“Does it get any easier?”
“I guess so. The pain never goes away. You just learn to deal with it. In some ways, I’m lucky to have Jill.”
“Some ways? I'd say you’re extremely lucky to have each other, Alex.” He rubs my arm.
“I know I am, Fin, but...” My voice shakes. At least he can’t see the tear that just slid down my face. “I look at Jill and wonder if that’s what my mom would have looked like now. Jill looks so much like her, right down to her lips and nose.” I smile at the memory of my mother’s face. “And I know she sometimes looks at me and sees her sister. I know she looks into my eyes and wonders where her sister would be now… I have my mother’s eyes.”
I stop before I’m engulfed with tears. I clear my throat and wipe my cheek with my hand. Fin studies the side of my face. I can’t look at him right now. Can’t see the pain in his eyes I know is there.
“I'm sorry I bought it up,” he says, his voice vibrating through my body. I lean closer, needing the comfort.
“Please, stop apologising.”
I clear my throat. “So, Finnley, Man of Mystery, tell me something about yourself.” I try to let out a laugh, but feel him stiffen. Did I just cross a line somehow?
He sighs. “Okay.” He pauses. “I don’t know if I have a job to go back to when I go home.”
I feel his breathing stop. I don’t know if he knows he’s holding his breath or whether it’s just his reaction to trying to predict what I’m going to say.
I shift my weight and turn to look at him. “Are you serious?” I ask, studying his face the best I can in the dim light.
He sighs. “Yeah.”
“Do the guys know?”
“Brad does.”
I sit and watch his face, trying to take everything in. He finally turns to look at me.
“How do you not know if you have a job or not?” I ask.
He licks his lips. “In big factories, they usually give you a point system based on sick days, years of service, any disciplinaries on your record, things like that. So if they ever need to make redundancies, they do it fairly, based on people’s points.”
My heart sinks for him as he finally opens up a tiny bit.
“A while back, I needed some time off. Now I think I’m going to lose my job over it.”
I turn around more and rest my hand on his chest, looking into his eyes. I see his pain, but he smiles briefly at me.
“When will you know?” I ask, not sure if I want an answer to that.
“After shutdown is over, so as soon as I get back. I know I have twenty-eight points. They are looking to get rid of people who have over twenty, so I could be gone. It just depends on how many people have more than I do and how many people they want to get rid of.” He shrugs.
“So they tell you this before you have two weeks off so you can dwell on it?”
He nods, giving me a heavy smile. “Pretty much.”
“I can’t believe you just told me that,” I whisper.
“You asked.”
I move so my back is flush against his chest again. He rests his chin on my head and pulls me closer.
“What will you do? I mean, will you be able to afford to live?” I ask, wishing I had just let it drop. He doesn’t want to think about the possibility of losing his job while on holiday.
“Yeah, I should be okay. I live with Brad right now. He'll help me out until I find a new job. That’s how I actually met him and the guys. Brad put up an ad for a roommate. I begged him to let me have the room, even though I didn’t have a job or money. Once I moved in, he got me the job.
“Cole and Jay live across the hall from us. Rebecca, Jay's girlfriend, basically lives there, too…until he can man up and ask her to marry him.” He chuckles.
I nod. “Seeing as we’re sharing, fancy sharing your first name, Finnley?” I ask, hoping to lighten the mood. He laughs. My heart swells that I managed to make him laugh after such a dark conversation.
“Nice try, Miss Duke.” He plants a kiss on my head.
“We need light.”
I scurry up before he can stop me and flip on the lights. When I turn back around, I catch a glimpse of Fin I didn’t expect to see. All his defences are down and he looks relaxed, even peaceful. His head rests against the window as he looks out at the dark sea. I would love to know what he’s thinking right now. He looks at me, his defences seeming to go right back up. I walk back over and look down at him, having no clue what to do. Do I sit back down? That’s what I want to do, but should I? Should I sit farther away from him?
Before I think too much about it, he grabs my hand and pulls me down until my lips meet his. His hand slides to the back of my neck, deepening the kiss. My hands thread through his hair. As soon as his tongue begins to search my mouth, I feel the familiar heat spread through my body.
I pull away and rest my forehead on his, tucking a stray blonde hair behind my ear. His eyes are still closed and he looks peaceful, except for the fact he's trying to catch his breath.
“Thank you,” he whispers and opens his eyes.
“For what?”
“For making it so easy to talk about things.”
I bite my lip. I know I’m blushing, but I can’t help it. He turns me around and slides his hands around my waist, pulling me back between his legs. I curl up in his arms once more. Just like that, I feel safe and warm again.