I pull my pillow over my face and scream into it. It’s 8.30am on Saturday morning, one of my two very short, very precious days off. Instead of relaxing, I’m trying to convince myself I want a sausage sandwich for breakfast, but what I really want is to catch a glimpse of Fin. At this time on a Saturday, I’d normally still be fast asleep, cuddled under my duvet, so this feels crazy…especially because I didn’t get to bed until nearly 2am!
I finally throw the covers off and sit up. If I spend too long arguing with myself, I know I’ll completely miss breakfast and Fin. I might as well just admit to myself I want to see him and get dressed, rather than hating myself for waiting too long and missing him altogether.
I groan as I stand to put makeup on. I know Aunt Jill will know something is up, but I’m sure she's already figured out I have a crush on one of the guys. I'll shower afterward. I have a feeling I'll need a cold shower after seeing him anyway.
I feel my heart beating hard as I open the door from our living quarters to the main guest house. I stand still for a few seconds, trying to see if I can figure out who is eating breakfast. I can’t hear any of the guys, so I think I made it here first.
I slowly creep into the lounge. I had put on black skinny jeans, a yellow vest top, and flat sandals, which my aunt will think is strange. Actually, just the fact I’m awake this time on a Saturday is strange, but I know Aunt Jill and Alistair will wonder why I’m not in my pink fluffy slippers. I can’t let Fin see me in those. I’d never live it down.
I smile at all the guests as I walk around the tables to get to the kitchen. Jill stands over the stove wearing her blue, daisy-filled apron. Alistair bops to their usual sixties mix tape playing through my little worn-out radio. “Eleanor” by The Turtles blasts out as the pair of them dance and cook without even noticing me. I’m sure they would be fine without me here every day, so why am I holding back? I feel like they would actually be better off without me in their way.
“Oh… Hello, Alex,” Alistair says, a little surprised. He puts his arm round me and gives me a little sideways squeeze, then dances over to the fridge, pulling out some orange juice.
“Good morning, Alexis.” Jill smiles at me as she cooks the eggs. “Hope you don’t plan on working today. Alistair and I are quite enjoying ourselves.”
“So I've noticed.” I squeeze her to me and kiss her head.
I’m an inch taller than she is, but I don’t know how or when that happened. I remember the days I used to have to crane my neck to look up at her.
“I’m just here to scrounge a sausage sandwich,” I say, peering over her shoulder. Alistair walks out to serve food to customers, leaving me alone with my aunt.
She stops cooking to look me over. “Are you hungover?”
If I were, I’d love her to try and tell me off when she was the one who told Bee I’d go out in the first place. I’m not, but maybe it’s better that she thinks I am rather than know that I just want to catch a glimpse of a guy.
God, I am so pathetic!
“Something like that, yeah,”’ I reply with a smile.
“Did Bailey keep you out late?” I just nod. It’s easier than telling her who I was with.
“Nothing I can’t handle…or nothing a sausage sandwich can’t cure.”
I kiss her head again as I grab two sausages out of the pan on the stove, burning my fingers in the process. I grab two slices of bread and quickly make myself a sandwich, then pour a glass of orange juice. I take my plate and walk into the dining room. Sitting in the window seat and staring up at the TV, I pull my knees up to my chest. There’s some sort of cooking show on, but the TV is always muted because the radio is on for the guests to eat to. They all eat and talk to each other, ignoring me.
I have taken as long as humanly possible to eat my sandwich. Now there’s only twenty minutes left of serving time. I slowly sip my orange juice, trying to make it last. I see movement out of the corner of my eye, catching a glimpse of Cole, Brad, and Fin as they walk into the lounge. I try not to let my body or my face give away my thoughts. It’s hard because Fin’s wearing black jogging bottoms and a navy blue t-shirt. For some reason, seeing him dressed down is so attractive! The t-shirt clings to his body in all the right places. All three are sporting their matching stubble, as usual. I can’t help but smile. I wonder how much upkeep it is to have just the right amount of stubble to be considered cool.
“Morning, Alex,” Fin greets me. Cole quickly turns and spots me on my window seat.
“Oh. Hey, Alex,” he says, but no smile reaches his lips.
“Hey, guys. No Jay?”
Cole finally smiles, then laughs. “Not a chance.” He takes a seat at a table for two.
I smile. I shouldn’t feel this comfortable with four guys I only met Thursday, but I do. At the moment, I feel like I am part of their little band. Is that because I am a groupie now? Drooling over their very sexy drummer?
Fin eyes me as he takes a seat opposite Brad, who is too busy studying his phone to even notice me yet. I know Bee’s texting him because I’m aware of her M.O. with guys. I already know I’ll see her today at some point. Whether I’m the excuse she’ll use to bump into Brad or Brad will be her excuse to bump into me, I’m not sure yet.
I finish my orange juice and take my glass and plate back into the kitchen, then start washing them to help.
“Um, no,” Alistair says, using his hip to gently move me out of the way. “It’s your day off.” He takes the sponge out of my hand. I look at Aunt Jill for help as she puts the eggs back, but she just shakes her head. I guess I’m done in here.
I shrug, a smile on my face, then walk back through the beaded curtain and make my way around the tables. I feel Fin's eyes on me the whole time. That was definitely worth getting up early for.
I get back to my room and sit on the bed, collapsing back with an angry groan. My mind starts to wonder how long it will be before I can see him again. I drape my arm across my eyes.
I’m an idiot.
* * *
After an hour of arguing with myself, I realise I don’t need an excuse. I don’t need to think up an elaborate lie to go up to the guest area. I live here!
I slowly make my way out of my room and up the five stairs to the door that leads into the lobby of the guest house. It’s way past 10:00am, so I know my aunt and Alistair are cleaning the rooms. I listen carefully. Sure enough, I hear their music playing upstairs.
Great. I can sneak a bottle of water out of the bar.
As I shut the door, I realise just how stupid I am being right now. I know I won’t see Fin, or any of the guys. They are either still sleeping off the alcohol from last night or exploring all Blackpool has to offer. I walk into the lounge and toward the bar.
“What took you so long?”
I jump out of my skin. This time, though, I manage to hold in the squeal. I turn to see Fin leaning up against the wall right next to the door I just walked through. He looks so calm and relaxed, his legs crossed at the ankles and arms folded across his chest. I wonder how long he’s been standing there. He’s in the same navy t-shirt, which molds to his body, but he’s now wearing blue jeans and black boots.
I swallow hard. “Sorry?”
“Yeah, you should be.” He smirks, pushing himself off the wall and walking over to me. I quickly move behind the safety of the bar, keeping some distance between us.
“Pardon?” I ask. I am confused by this conversation, and seeing him all gorgeous and manly has sort of scrambled my brain.
“I’ve been waiting for you to come back out.”
My heart flips. “Okay, I’m here. Did you need something?” I hate that my voice is so stern and guarded, but as much as I wanted to see him, I can’t lead him on. When I’m around him, the way I act is so out of character for me. I don’t want him to think he stands a chance when he doesn’t. At the same time, I want to be around him!
I am irritating myself, so God only knows how he feels right now.
“I was just wondering when you’re going to let me take you out.”
I stare at him, a mixture of emotions running through me—excitement, anxiousness, happiness…dread. He leans on the bar, making him that much closer.
I frown. “Um, I’m not.”
I look down at the bar for anything I can fiddle with so I don’t have to look at him—paper clips, Post-it notes, staples. As much as I like this guy, I can’t do this. I’m not Bee. I’m not the carefree, one-week fling sort of a gal. No, I’m the one who overthinks everything and worries about the end result.
“Oh, come on, Alex. Don’t tell me you’re just going to ignore this thing going on between us.”
His angry tone forces my eyes to snap up to meet his. He’s not smiling anymore.
I snigger. “Thing? Fin there is no thing between us.”
He shakes his head, almost looking angry. “Alex—”
“I’m serious. There isn’t a thing be—”
I stop talking, mainly because I’ve stopped breathing! He’s reached out and rested his hand on my cheek. I hate my body. It’s totally just given me away. I can tell it has from the smile on his face. The electricity shooting through me feels incredible. My instincts tell me to nuzzle into the palm of his hand, to kiss it and bury myself in it because it feels so natural. I sigh as he pulls his hand away. Oh boy, I’m in trouble.
“You were saying about there not being a thing?” He smirks.
“Okay, even if I admit there is a thing…” I gesture between us, but I can’t look at him yet. Instead, I fiddle with a paper clip again. “What good would that do?” I finally look at him. His face is a mixture of anger and confusion. “You’re here a week, Fin. What good can come from pursuing this?”
“Really? You'd rather just not bother at all? Play it safe?” he asks, a harsh tone in his voice.
“I’m not playing it safe. I’m just not going to give in to a guy who’s made it his personal mission to get into my pants.”
He shakes his head angrily and steps back from the bar. “This isn’t about sex, Alex.” Just him saying the word sex makes my body catch fire.
“How can it be about anything else? You’re only here a week.” I can’t quite believe were having this conversation, let alone that we are having this conversation here, where my aunt could walk in at any moment.
“I want to explore this connection I feel toward you. It’s something new…different. I don’t want to ignore it, Alex.”
What a line. I wonder how many girls he's said that to. Oh, we have a connection. Even as I poke fun at him in my thoughts, I know there is truth to it. I know I feel a strange pull toward him, but that’s just because he’s gorgeous, right?
“I’m pissed you…” He angrily points a finger at me, “don’t want to do anything about it!” He runs his hands through his hair.
“What the hell do you want me to do, Fin?” I yell. When did this turn into an argument?
“I want to get to know you…the real you. I don’t care if I’m here a week or three days. I just don’t want to ignore this. I don’t know about you, but if I do, I know I’d regret it when I got home.” His eyes look black as he locks his hands behind his head.
“So now what?” I ask, my voice sounding smaller than I'd like. I wanted it to sound strong, but my eyes lock on his arms that flex as his hands are laced behind his head. The sight has made my mouth run dry again.
He lowers his arms slowly. “Let me take you out.” He shrugs, as if he's as lost as I am. I watch his face, so many emotions crossing it. I must look very similar to him right now. There is this pull toward him. I don’t know why, but I think once he’s gone, I’ll regret not doing something about it. I also can’t help but think this is all just a huge lie to get into my pants. I need to find some willpower if I want to be around him.
“Tomorrow,” I whisper, giving in.
He smiles a soft, sweet, innocent smile. “Are you serious?” he asks, stepping closer to the bar once more.
“Yes, but as friends, Fin.” I point my finger at him. I think pointing is a bit much, but he needs to know how serious I am.
“I don’t care, as long as you just spend time with me.” Looking at his smile, my heart falls for him a tiny bit. In that split second, I already know the day he leaves is going to break me.
“Tomorrow at 6:00pm?” I ask.
“Perfect.” He walks out of the room, a smile still on his face.
As soon as he leaves, I can breathe again. It’s like all the air just disappears when he’s in the room.
* * *
“What was I thinking?” I ask, throwing my hands up.
“I really don’t know,” Bee says calmly. I know she’s hoping to bump into Brad, but I need her right now and am going to get full use out of her while I can. Perched on the end of my bed, she swings her legs as she listens, loving every minute of it. This is the first time I’ve had “boy drama” since I was fifteen.
“So how did Mark take it?” I ask.
She smirks. “Don’t change the subject. You have a date tomorrow.”
I point at her.
“No, I don’t. This is not a date.”
Bee rolls her eyes. “Why isn’t it?”
“Because he's only here for a week. As far as I know, he's only trying to get laid.”
Bee shrugs. “So let him.”
“Hell no!”
She stands. “Alex, you’re not me. I don’t see how you’re going to do this and not get attached.”
Her honesty cuts through me. The comment is very true…and I hate it. I can’t do what she does with guys. I’ve never had an attraction to a guy like this before, and if I get to know him, I know I’ll get attached. Which is why I didn’t want to do this in the first place!
“But I also agree with everything Fin said. There’s something between you two. Even I saw it and I was…busy.” She shrugs. I hate that she knows me so well. I hate that she’s right. “Either way, this is going to end with you crying on my shoulder. You either avoid him like the plague and regret not finding out what this thing is, or you go for it and risk the broken heart when he leaves.” She gives me a hug, then steps away. Seeing the confusion in my face, she continues.
“I watched you talking to him at the pub last night. I can’t ever remember seeing you like that with any guy, Alex, and I’ve known you since you were eleven. You’re twenty-seven now.”
She's right. No matter what, I’m going to end up hurt. The sooner I accept it, the sooner I can just enjoy myself with Fin and have what could possibly be a fantastic week.
Bee soon leaves me alone with my thoughts to go in search of Brad. I lie on my bed and desperately try to think of all the ways it might be possible to escape this week with some of my heart still intact, but I can’t come up with a single one.