Carl

“Did you tell Betty that you wanted us to get married?”

Bianca looked at me with surprise and wanted to know why I thought that. I should have told her that I heard about it from Betty, but I just shrugged instead. She knew and she was silent for a few minutes while she thought of what she was going to say next.

“I may have said that. I was talking about in the future. The very far ahead of us future. You know that I’m not thinking about that kind of stuff right now.”

She had said it and this mystery future that she was thinking of wasn’t going to happen. Scott’s words were in my ear and I didn’t know what to say. She cared enough that she saw us being together forever. It was already too late not to hurt her because she already cared too much.

“I didn’t know that you felt that way.”

“Well what did you think Carl? I mean that’s what people do when they are together for a while. We’ve been together for a while, so why wouldn’t I think about it and feel that way? You know how I feel about you.”

“No, I guess I don’t think that I do. I thought we were just having fun.”

I was pulling back from her already. I hadn’t wanted it to get this far and since she was so cool about everything, I didn’t really think about it. We’d been seeing each other off and on for well over six months. It was admittedly one of my longer relationships, but that was because I hadn’t seen it as one. I had seen it as two friends that had sex occasionally because we were very compatible for it.

“We are just having fun Carl, but don’t you ever think about what happens later on down the line?”

I hadn’t and I knew better than to say that out loud. I was going to have to be careful with this and I was about as delicate as a bull in a china shop and that really made me nervous. I didn’t want Scott to be right about me hurting every woman I dated. That then meant that he was right that I shouldn’t be dating his sister and I was still not too keen on that idea at all.

“I don’t really think that far ahead Bianca. I don’t know if there is a ‘later on down the line’ for me. I just think about the next day.”

I was making it my fault so that she didn’t think that I didn’t want to have a future with her. I couldn’t just come out and say it, though I mostly likely would have before because I wouldn’t have really given much thought to it.

“Well you want me with you tomorrow don’t you?”

I could see where she was going with this and I knew that it wasn’t what she wanted. She did want more; I could see it in her eyes, something that had been looking back at me for a long time. I knew that I wanted her to shy away and tell me that it wasn’t enough for her, but Bianca wasn’t going to do it. Instead she seemed to be prepared to wait me out and I knew that I was never going to be who she wanted me to be. I don’t know if I ever wanted to get married and I knew deep down that if I did, it wasn’t going to be with her.

“I do, but it would be selfish of me to keep you around, knowing that I am never going to want what you want. I just don’t want to settle down and I don’t think I’ll ever change my mind on that.”

I stopped before I said too much because I could already see the change in her face and in the way she held her body. In a matter of seconds her demeanor changed and I wasn’t sure what to think about it.

“So what are you saying Carl?”

I thought I had said it pretty well so I was confused on what it was that she was looking for. I didn’t want to have this fairy tale ending that she was expecting and it wasn’t my fault. I wanted to want those things, but it was not something that I necessarily needed to feel complete. She didn’t make me want to get married and that wasn’t going to change. I was doing her a favor, even if she couldn’t see it that way at the moment.

“I don’t know Bianca. I guess I’m saying that this thing that is going on between us isn’t working and I think we should cut ties before we end up hating each other. I don’t want us to end up like that.”

It was the most reasonable way I’d ever said it and I was proud of myself. I’d taken Scott’s words to heart and I tried hard to not hurt her. She was a nice girl and she was going to be a good wife to someone, it just wasn’t going to be me.

“So you’re breaking up with me?”

Her face sneered up a little bit and I could see that was all she had gotten out of everything that I’d said.

“Yes, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

She looked at me as if she didn’t believe me or I was just talking out of my ass really. Maybe I was. I’d never stayed friends with an ex, so I didn’t know how this was supposed to go if she even agreed to it.

“So you’re breaking up with me at the same time you’re trying to convince me that it’s a good thing and I’m so great?”

“You are great Bianca. You deserve more than I can give you, so I’m releasing you.”

She didn’t take that explanation any better and I knew that she was on the verge of blowing up. Deep passions came with a temper to match and I was surprised that she hadn’t given me a piece of her mind yet. I figured that it was just going to mean that when it came time to, it was going to be a doozy. This was the reason that I’d made sure to have this conversation where we had some privacy.

“If I’m so great, why don’t you want me Carl?”

When I didn’t have an answer for her, she answered it for herself.

“It’s because of that damn ginger isn’t? What’s her name, Melanie? She’s the reason you’re breaking up with me, huh?”

“Why would you even say that?”

“I see the way you look at her Carl. I’ve heard about the two of you.”

I wasn’t sure if I liked that she had heard anything about Melanie and me. I didn’t make me feel good inside because Scott may hear the same things. I just hoped that he would take it as just a continuation from what he already knew.

“You’re wrong. It has nothing to do with anyone else. I heard that you wanted more and it got me to thinking. I want you to have more, just not with me.”