Melanie

The next few days were a blur and I stayed with mom at the house. Scott was off and on around, but there were a lot of arrangements to be made. I thought about all of the things that I was supposed to be doing, but I didn’t want to do any of them. I laid in bed a lot, still not sure how this had all happened. I wanted so badly to wake up and for all of this to have been a bad dream.

Today was the funeral and it wasn’t a bad dream. It was real and that meant that I really had to get out of bed to face everything. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do, but it was something that I had to do. I had to figure out how to get through the day.

Mom knocked and then popped her head in. “Hey honey, it’s time to go. Are you ready?”

I looked in the mirror at the dress I was wearing. I was asked not to wear black, none of us was supposed to, but it felt weird. I was mourning and I needed to wear the dreary colors. It’s what matched my mood. I didn’t want this to be a celebration of life when I was not over the fact that his was ended so quickly. It wasn’t fair and I was still ready to rally at God or whoever would listen. I wasn’t ready to accept what had happened or the fact that he is gone.

“Yeah, I guess so.”

I didn’t want to go, but I knew that it was expected of me. I said goodbye to him when he called me in last to talk. I knew that he was saying his goodbye and though we hadn’t said the exact words, I knew what they meant.

“Come on Melanie. It will all be okay. You’re going to ride with Carl. Me and your brother are riding with Aunt Lucille and Devin.”

Since I hadn’t seen Carl in a few days, I hadn’t thought of him that much either. After talking to dad he had taken off for a little while, but he was there when dad finally passed. I’d seen a tear in his eye, but he had brushed it away and soon it was like it had never existed. I wanted to tell him that it was going to be okay, to go to him and hug him to me, but I knew better. I didn’t want Scott to think anything was going on, so I’d had to sit back and let him be upset. That had upset me to no end to not be able to do anything, but I knew in the end that I would at least get to talk to him today.

“Thanks mom. I don’t know if I can deal with Aunt Lucille right now. She never stops talking.”

Mom smiled and agreed. It was her sister, but she knew better than us all how much the woman was a nonstop chatter box, no matter what the situation may be.

“I don’t blame you, besides you’ve been avoiding Carl. You know he’s called over here for you several times. I told you about them.”

“I know. I just…”

I couldn’t even finish the sentence because I didn’t really know why or how I felt. I just know that I felt empty inside and I hadn’t want to see or talk to anyone.

“It’s going to be okay baby. We are all going to miss your father, but he’s in a good place now with no pain.  That’s what you have to hold onto and the good times. It’s time for you to get out of this room and go on. We all have to.”

I knew that it was never going to be the same, but she was right. I knew she was. It wasn’t going to get better being depressed in my room, so I left out with her and waited downstairs for Carl to get there. He was late, like always, but today he wasn’t that late.

Mom and Scott were already gone with my aunt and uncle and I was alone in the house. It was quiet. Too quiet and I went back upstairs to get my phone. I wanted to play something because the silence was deafening and it was allowing me to think too much. This was one of those times, when I wanted everything to get tuned out for a while. I wanted to forget.

I found a song that I liked and started to blast it. The house was no longer quiet, but filled with loud drums and lyrics that I could barely understand. I don’t know why, but I knew that I was going to have to figure something out to set my mind at ease. I needed to get away for a while. I wasn’t sure where, but I had to get out of here. Everything reminded me of dad and I didn’t want that right now.

Not hearing Carl come in, when he said my name behind me I didn’t hear him. It was only when he said it even louder and touched my shoulder that I jumped and turned to face him. He had a smile on his face.

“I’m supposed to take you to the funeral Melanie. Are you ready to go?”

“Why is everyone asking me that today?”

I had to yell over the music. It was loud and he took the phone from me, turned it off and looked at me as if I was a child that was being rebellious.

“Come on Melanie, we are going to be late. You don’t want to be late, do you?”

I really didn’t want to go at all. I wanted to stay here where I could pretend that it hadn’t really happened.

“Stay here with me Carl. I need you to help me forget. You’re really good at that.”

“You’re really hard to say no to Melanie, but it isn’t the time.”

It was the time for me and instead of listening to him; I turned the music back up and started to undress. I was going to do what I wanted to do and I needed Carl to help me. He was so good at making me forget everything except him and I needed that now more than anything else.

“Are you really going to leave me like this, all twisted up?”

I pouted my lips out before I took the rest of my clothes off. I was standing in front of him naked, begging with my eyes what my mouth could not say. His dark blue eyes were stormy as he looked me over.

“I’ve never seen you in the light Melanie.”

“And?”

“Damn.”

I giggled and pulled him along to my old bedroom. It was going to be a while before anyone was home and it took no time at all before I was already feeling my brain drain of thought. All I could think about was Carl and what he was doing to me.