Melanie

The sun was bright the next day and it took a minute for the day before to come flooding back. I remembered what Carl had done for me and to me, but I don’t know what happened. I came so hard, more than I had before and I think I passed out. It was the first time that it had ever happened to me and I didn’t know what to say or what to think.

Looking around the room, I didn’t see Carl anywhere and I instantly deflated. I wanted to think that he was here with me, but he wasn’t, not at all. He was gone and I was left wondering what this all meant for us. None of the reasons that we couldn’t be together had changed. My brother would kill us both and Carl had a girlfriend, even if she was a little bit on the dingy side. It was who he was with. So now what?

I got up with that question at the forefront of my mind and I didn’t immediately have an answer to give. I didn’t know what was going to happen next and I needed a cup of coffee before I was going to be able to really think about it.

It was when I was drinking the first cup that I saw the note. It was folded in half and had my name scrawled in messy handwriting. I knew that it was from Carl. Who else would have left it there?

I don’t know why, but I drank half of the cup, looking at that piece of paper like it was potentially a bomb. I knew that it wasn’t of course, but there was going to be something just as devastating inside of it. The fact that he was gone and the note was left there, I knew I wasn’t going to like what it said. I didn’t even have to look at it to know that.

When I got up the nerve to see what it said, I walked slow towards it and took a deep breath. My hand shook slightly as I moved to pick it up. Why was I so damn scared of what it said? It was like I was afraid to even touch it because then whatever it said would have to be real and I didn’t want it to be. I wanted to hold onto the moment just a little bit longer.

I tortured myself with the idea of it all and it was only when I’d driven myself mad about it that I finally grabbed it up to see what it was that he was saying. My heart sank as my eyes scanned the page. I really wished that I hadn’t been right about it.

“Melanie,

I had a good time with you last night. You’re everything that a man could want and more. But it can’t be me. You are perfect in every way and I know that you’re going to find someone to make you happy, someone your own age. We will always have tonight.

Carl”

It was a letter that I’d seen coming and even though I’d known something like that was going to be held inside of it, I wanted to believe that I was wrong and that instead it was actually just my imagination going awry. It wasn’t real. That’s what I wanted to tell myself, but it was. I read it a couple more times and then I pushed it back onto the counter where I had found it. I wish I hadn’t, but at least the pressing matter of what I was going to do was resolved. The decision was already made for me. I was to do nothing because he was basically telling me that it was over before it started.

Taking a shower, I replayed the note in my head and tried not to let it bother me. It did of course, badly, but it wasn’t something that I was going to be able to change. At least we had last night.

***

“Haven’t seen you around that much Melanie. What have you been up to?”

“Not much. Tending to Lily’s garden takes more time than I would have thought.”

She gave me a dubious look and shook her head. “You never were a good liar. You know that right?”

“Yeah I know. That’s why I’m so quiet.”

She laughed at my admission and told me that she knew. Mom always seemed to know the truth, so there was a good possibility that she was just waiting for me to spill the beans. I usually did with her. We’d always had that sort of relationship, but Carl was something that I couldn’t really talk to her about it. She wouldn’t understand and I didn’t want things to get weird. Carl was over here a lot and I didn’t want that to change.

“Man trouble I guess.”

“I thought you’d stopped seeing the professor? You’re not taking up with him again are you? You know that if a man is going to cheat once, he will do it again. You have to stand up for yourself and not take that crap.”

I was agreeing with her and I let her go off for a while. My mother had strong opinions and liked to get them out when she could. I finally said something when she was dying down.

“It’s not that at all. Someone that I used to like here before I left, came back into my life recently and I thought there was going to be something there. I really like him, but he has decided that nothing is going to happen. He made it pretty clear and I don’t know what to do. I think about him a lot and it just drives me crazy. Why can’t I have the one I want?”

I was speaking in rhymes because I couldn’t give names or say anything that would lead her to know who it was that I was talking about. That’s what I thought anyways. I thought that she wouldn’t know who I was talking about, but her next comment left me with my mouth open a little bit. Apparently every one could see right through me. Even no admission at all somehow left it all open to interpretation.

“You’re talking about Carl, aren’t you? I knew that something was going on when you first got back. I knew that you had a crush on him from before and when I saw the way he was looking at you, I knew that something was going to happen. It’s not the worst thing that could happen. Carl looks rough and I hear he has a reputation, but he’s always been a good kid. You could do worse.”

She didn’t get it and I was shocked that she knew what I was talking about. I didn’t think that anyone knew about my crush, but I was starting to see that everyone did.

“Scott would never let it happen.”

“Yes something did happen or you wouldn’t be so upset.”

She had a point and I was still unsure how far I wanted to go with it. I wasn’t sure if I could tell her everything.

“It can never happen, he made it clear. I think Scott told him I was off limits, so he made a big point of telling me that it’s never going to happen.”

Mom smiled and I didn’t understand why. “Your brother will come around. He won’t like it at first, but you could do so much worse than Carl. He’s a good young man. Me and your father watched him grow up with your brother.”

“Don’t you think he is too old for me? That’s what you said about the professor.”

“Carl is different. I’ve known him since he was a boy and I’ve always liked him. Your professor was taking advantage of you and your naivety. That’s a big different.”

She was so sure of it, but I wasn’t. She made it seem like it was all nothing to worry about. She left me feeling a little lighter and while I felt strange talking about him with her; it was stranger still that I felt so much better about it. I hadn’t been able to really share anything since my best friend was found to be having sex with my boyfriend. It made it hard for me to confide in her and now that I was back home, it was good to have someone to talk to about it, even if it was mom. She had pretty good advice most of the time and this time around, maybe she was right and I needed to worry about it less. She acted like there was a chance for us and I liked to think that way as well.

Maybe it wasn’t all lost and I was still going to get the man of my dreams.