I was so unprepared for that, to see Matias so soon after the encounter, and with Dr. Duarte no less. I couldn’t get out of the restaurant fast enough. I made Katia drives us back home. Why were they together? Is Matias his patient? Or worse his relative? I don’t realize I’ve been biting my fingernail until I feel the sting, of the bite on my finger. I know have to go see Dr. Duarte, but I am still mad at him for kicking me out of the hospital.

My cocoon.

He made me promise I will call for an appointment. After what happened the last night, I think I do need to seek out consul, just so there isn’t a repeat of sleeping with Matias. I thought I had a handle on my drinking, but obviously I don’t. I can’t believe I couldn’t stop what occurred. I was so far gone with dreaming of William that reality took a dream-like effect, because the sex was even better than I remembered. I had never had multiple orgasms when Will and I had sex before. The alcohol must have amplified my senses to make it my ultimate fantasy.

“I’m still hungry,” Katia states as we make our way back to the apartment, breaking me out of my musing. I feel bad that I didn’t let her get breakfast.

“I’ll make something,” I say.

“What? Are you sure? I mean you haven’t cooked in almost a year. Do you think you can?”

“Do you want breakfast or not? Besides it’s like riding a bike, right?” I say as I go into the kitchen and open the fridge for some eggs.

“Well, you always did make the best breakfast, anyway. Wow me, chef.” She sits on the breakfast bar and starts talking about work. I continue slicing and dicing my ingredients; something so normal, yet so foreign to me now.

“You know you are not the first girl to have a one night stand when drunk. Don’t be so hard on yourself,” she states as she takes a drink of her orange juice.

“Will was the only man I ever knew. My body belonged to him since I was fourteen. Now I feel like I soiled his memory by being careless.” My voice comes out shaking on that last part. I take out a plate and serve Katia. “Huevos rancheros.” I set the plate in front of her. She takes my hand, squeezing it.

“Sweetie, you are not dirty, you are just human. Sometimes we do stupid things when we are in pain. No matter what stupid things we do. We can always be forgiven as long as we forgive ourselves, Sophia.”

“Yeah, don’t know how that is supposed to happen, Katia,” I answered her. Because honestly, I don’t know. I feel so tired from hurting so much.

“Well, that’s what I am here for. To tell you that you are an awesome person. And I don’t think of you any less because you slept with our hot neighbor. Besides, you have the hot doctor, who by the way wants to meet with you,” she says taking a bite of her food.

“Yum. I missed this woman. Please don’t stop doing this even if you start drinking again.” She takes another bit and proceeds to finish her plate. I eat a little, but I still don’t have a full appetite.

“Well girl, after this meal I am ready to become a couch potato. Want to watch some romantic comedies with me?” Katia asks as she picks up her dishes, taking them to the sink.

“Sure, we can watch Netflix and chill,” I tell her and she bursts out laughing. “What’s so funny?”

“Girl, you have been out of the loop for a long time. Nowadays, ‘Netflix and chill’ means doing the dirty. But, hey we can experiment if that will get you to feel better.” She comes towards me trying to hug me and I swat at her, laughing.

“Stop,” I laugh. She looks at me with tears in her eyes.

“I missed that sound,” she says hugging me tighter, maybe realizing this was the first time I had laughed in over a year. I hug her tighter too. I miss this warm feeling of being loved. We cry together. Maybe I am healing after all. We have a movie day. I didn’t know how many movies I had missed.

I CALLED FOR an appointment with Dr. Duarte first thing Monday morning. Three whole days since the day that should not be mentioned. I think that day was a huge wake up call. I need to get back my life; that’s why I think I am finally ready to take advantage of the help he can provide.

“Hi, Sophia Collins to see Dr. Duarte at 3 p.m.,” I inform the receptionist once I enter the office.

“Hi, Mrs. Collins. He will be with you in just a moment, please take a seat,” she says as she motions to the couches behind me. I go take my seat but not before grabbing a magazine from the table. I flip through the magazine, catching up on fashion.

“Mrs. Collins, Dr. Duarte is ready to see you,” the nurse tells me as she motions for me to follow her.

She opens the door to Dr. Duarte’s office. I walk in and see him standing in front of his desk. I am taken aback when I see him. They have to be related. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. Matias’ and Dr. Duarte’s resemblance is uncanny. Same green eyes with an oval shape face. They are both well built, but Matias fills out his shirts more. Matias looks a more rugged with his golden tan and facial scruff, whereas Dr. Duarte is more clean cut; no facial hair and his hair is trimmed to perfection. Their resemblance of the hands is similar in size, but the feel of them is incompatible; Dr. Duarte’s are soft-like. I can still feel the imprint of Matias rough working hands on my body. Just thinking about that I get a flashback of Matias lips on my skin; the heat I felt every time they landed on my body. Goose bumps break over my skin and I cross my arms in front of my midsection in the attempt to hold myself together from the memory and shock combined.

“Hello, Sophia. Take a seat,” he says, shaking me out of my memory, but not making a move to come towards me. “How are you?”

“Hurting,” I say. “Not much has changed since the last time we saw each other, doctor.” I have to start with the truth. Even though the alcohol was numbing my pain, it didn’t erase it.

“Yes, it has changed Sophia. You have actually accomplished the first step by coming here. By saying the truth. You would have never done that before. Heck, you hardly spoke back then and only then that just once when you were at the hospital. So, I say let’s start healing you,” he says as he sits across from me. I smile. He looks stunned, but matches my smile.

“Let’s start with what you telling me what you have been up to for the last few months.” And his questions begin.

“I thought I could manage to keep digging myself into a grave, to somehow be able to feel closer to Will, but I feel further away.”

“Why do you say that? In what way did you distance from your Will?” Dr. Duarte asks, never leaving his eyes from mine. I never noticed that he never writes anything down.

“Why don’t you write anything down?”

“These are your memories, your feelings. I have no right to record that. I only write about your progress. Can we get back the question?”

“I missed his anniversary.”

“There will be others,” hey says cautiously.

“No! This was his first. And what did I do? I slept through it because I was nursing a hangover!” I can’t sit any longer. I get up and start pacing his office. “How can I be so stupid? When I realize my mistake, instead of going to his grave, I went to the nearest bar and got drunk. And I end up in between the sheets with a fu… sorry, guy I didn’t even know!” I yell the last part. “I ruin the love Will and I had. I tainted it with betrayal.”

“Why did do feel that you tainted it? Will is dead you didn’t cheat,” he continues to look at me as if my outburst didn’t even happen. His voice is soothing.

“When Will and I met, we were so young. We fell in love so fast and completely. Some people called us fools for loving each other so much. We made plans for our future under the stars. We knew where we were going to college, when we were getting married, and when we were going to make love for the first time. We planned that night to the last detail. And it was a night I can still remember.” I can still feel the first touch on my naked flesh. How my hands felt against his body. How our bodies joined for the first time. “Something we planned for years and I tainted it with a careless night. Shaming his memory on my body,” I cry, the guilt over taking me and I sob quietly.

“Sophia, you sleeping with my brother, though regretful, is nothing to be ashamed about it. The things we do out of pain or suffering can be forgiven. You have to stop thinking that Will is still alive. Yes, you made memories with him, but now you have to make new ones. And the same with mistakes, Sophia. You have to make a life of your own. Find yourself and see what you like on your own. By what you have told me, you have always been a part of a pair. You grew up with this love. You need to decide for yourselves what just Sophia wants or just who just Sophia is.” His reasoning never makes me feel better.

“So, he is your brother,” I conclude.

“Yes. Awkward, huh?” he responds with a shy smile.

“Yes,” I reply. I don’t want to get into that with him, so I change the subject. “I was Will’s interior designer for his firm. Since I came back from the hospital, I have been given some assignments from the projects that we are committed to. I have not been able to match colors or patterns. Maybe Will was my muse. All I see is nothing,” I say sadly.

“That can still be part of your trauma. The fact that you refuse to move on without Will can be blocking your creativity. You will be able to create again, Sophia. We just have to give time to time. Think about what you said here today. Even if your heart is not ready to move on, I think your mind is. That is why you shared today. We might not have made sense of your one night stand, but due to the people involved I think we can seat this one out. Just no more drunken nights.”

“I was waiting for you to ask me about my time away. How I turn to alcohol to numb the pain. I can just tell you I won’t do it again,” I state.

“Well, at least you learned something. Well, it has been a pleasure Sophia but I think our time is up,” he says as he looks at his watch. Standing up from the chair, he walks towards his desk. He picks up a picture from the ones he has on it. “This is my wife, my second wife. She is my life. I have lived through what you have, so I know what you are going through. I am here to help you lessen the pain and start to heal, because I know you will. You can do what you like with your life, even love again when you’re ready. You can rebuild your heart with the love of a good man. I have seen many people like you. I was like you; grieving, heartbroken and about to lose our minds. But I also see the healing, the smiles and the rebuilding of lives. You can too.” With that he dismisses me and gives me an appointment for next week. The nurse informs me that he wants regular visits every week.

I go every week for the next month, every time opening up a little more. Sharing memories. He tells me one of his and I tell him one of mine.

The only downfall is that I have been getting sick all the time. Every day for the past two weeks. I have been putting off going to the doctor as well as getting a test from the drugstore. But, today I made my choice; after last night’s pukefest and Katia thinking I am drinking again, giving me evil eye, waiting for me to come clean. I can’t ignore what my body is telling me, even though I don’t want to listen.

I get ten from different brands as well as a gallon of water, which I finish by the time I get home. I take the tests to the bathroom and then I set them on the living room table. That’s where Katia finds me five minutes later.

“Hey Sophia, I’m home. What are you doing there just sitting looking all creeping?” she says as she walks further to the room. I see her looking at me and I move my vision to the table. I hear gasp as she takes in all ten of the test.

“Oh, holy mother of Jesus!” she exclaims. Yeah, that’s what I feel too. Who would have thought that one little bitty, ten in this case, red plus signs could make you feel like there’s a tornado is inside of you? I feel her sit next to me and grab my clammy hand.

“Okay, we got this Sophie. Right?”