I have never seen so much despair in such a beauty. Her beautiful brown eyes were empty as if someone drained the happiness and just left her soul. Her gauntly figure almost makes her look like a ghost; I had to look twice to make sure she was real. I’ve walked through these hallways many times before and I have never wondered about someone in one of the rooms the way I wondered about her. What could have possibly happened to bring her to this place? To bring so much sadness? I hear my brother on the phone as I approach his office. He turns in my direction when he sees me enter and gestures me to give him a minute. I take a seat on the big brown couch and spread my arms out on it, it’s so cliché of a psychiatrist to have a couch in his office and even though I love it, I always tell him to get rid of it.

I set my helmet on the floor. Nicolas must be taking to a patient’s mother. My brother always seems to have wanted to save the world one person at a time; if he felt he could make a difference in one person he knew he’s done his deed. I love him so much for that. He sees so much good in people, no matter how hopeless they may appear. He never gives up on them and he never lets them give up on themselves. I don’t how he does it, when I don’t even have the patience to deal with myself.

He’s smiling; it must be a very good day. Not that he doesn’t have good days but he tends to absorb the emotions of a lot of his patient’s, which is also dangerous in his profession. They say it’s difficult not to take the work home with you, and my brother is no exception. But, it’s also too easy to take the work to heart.

“Brother.” He stands after setting the phone down. “It’s such a beautiful and glorious day isn’t it?” he asks. At this point, I don’t know if he’s being sarcastic or maybe in need of treatment himself.

“You good, man?” I look at him and slap his back.

“Yeah, it’s just that I feel like I had a breakthrough with a patient and there’s hope, Matias. It’s just that feeling I get when it’s so hot outside and I don’t give a shit. I run in and jump in the pool that sensation I feel when the cool water hits my hot skin.” He’s explaining it to me, closing his eyes and smiling at the same time. Yes, I still think he’s crazy. He opens his eyes and I give him a dumbfounded look.

“Ah, come on, really? You have no idea?” A smile breaks across my face because I’m only messing with him. I know how much this means to him.

“Yes, I get that feeling every time I get laid,” I say. He punches my arm hard.

He laughs it off, but there is some truth to that. Not that I’m ashamed of it, and he knows that. I’m a thirty-year-old bachelor. I consider myself successful, I’m at my prime. Who in their right mind would want to be living in hell for a thing they call love? Love comes and goes, believe me I know; it comes and goes every weekend. I love her when her lips are wrapped around my cock. I love her when she rides me. I love her when she’s loving me but when that’s all over, it’s done. There is nothing more to love but sex.

Nicolas grabs his phone and we head out the door for some lunch. We walk down the hallway; each step we take closer, I feel my anxiety building as we near the room where ghost girl disappeared into. My steps falter as we approached and so do Nicolas’; it wasn’t intentional, in fact I don’t even know why. Her door is closed. Curiosity and wonder about her arises in me. Nicolas is about to question my actions but that’s when I start to pat my pockets trying to pass it off as me in search of my phone. I pull it out of my pocket. I wave it in front of his face. He nods and we head off on our way to satisfy our hunger.

THE LIGHT REFLECTING off his helmet is like a sunny days; everyone loves motorcycles but me. I would rather face a hurricane right now than a sunny day. It’s just one of those days where my wounds are exposed; no bandages, no antiseptic, no medication. Memories were dug up that had been sealed, only for me to revisit. This memory is one I visit frequently. It is my reminder to why I am still here, why I haven’t withered away, and why I haven’t just taken the sharp end of the knife or stared down deep into the barrel. I have thought of it many times and each time I hear Will’s voice making me promise. His voice is still present in my mind, I can hear it voice reverberate in my ear. I shut my eyes and shake my head. No one knows how much I want him back here. I would give anything just to get back what I had lost. Each day that passes my reality living without him gets harder and harder to bear. It doesn’t ever get any easier; the pain is intolerable to endure. I get lonelier and my burden gets heavier.

Today, didn’t make it any easier. Despite my so-called breakthrough session with

and seeing the motorcycle helmet the man was gripping was almost too raw. It caught me off-guard but I couldn’t keep my eyes from looking elsewhere. I would have given anything to look up and be greeted by my blue-eyed husband, but instead I was stared down by green eyes. In the moment, I could feel my cheeks flush and my heartbeat pitter-patter. The elation that my body felt thinking it was him was immeasurable and at the same time deadly. I wish that nanosecond lasted so much longer, just so that I can feel the happiness, the love, and the life he once gave me.

I want to hate the world. I want to blame someone. I want death to come and sweep me away. But it won’t and I can’t. My heart beats for him, to keep him alive in me. No matter how many deaths I wish upon myself, I can never take my own life. I know Dr. Duarte understands that now, session after session he has tried break through to me, to get me to talk and today he did just that. He exposed me without wanting to; the words just came right out. I felt naked like he left me bare and vulnerable. Now I can’t take back my words. He heard the memory I entombed, he saw the emotions I was trying to calm, and he knows why I repress the thought of death.

“Sophia.” Katia walks into my room with a basket of flowers and sets it on the ledge of the window. The colorful arrangement brings brightness to the beige dull walls and the ugly linoleum floor. “The flowers are for you.” She smiles as she arranges them nicely in place.

“Oh, I wouldn’t have thought so. Thanks for the clarification. I’m surprised the suicide patrol allowed them in. I might sniff myself to death or try to find a way to hang myself with the basket.” She turns and looks at me, taken back by my words.

“Sophia, it’s not funny. You being here is no laughing matter. I miss you. It’s been two months without you. I hate you being here; it’s not the same without you. You’re the cup to my cake and without you, it’s just cake. You need to come home.”

“Home to what, Katia? An empty house? Having dinner alone, lying in bed cold and with no one to comfort me. Laughing at something and having no one laugh with me. What the hell am I going back to? Nothing, that’s what.” Words come out harsher than I anticipate but it’s my reality. My truth. I have to come to terms with what my life will be, and has been, after his death.

“I’m sorry but what kind of life will you have if you don’t try? You need to live for yourself now. I will always be there. You know that; day or night, sane or insane, I’m there.”

“I know.”

The evening passes us by, the two hour visitation is not enough time. We exchange the last of our few words as she hugs me tight and exits the room, leaving behind the loneliness that was already lurking in the crevasses of my mind.

The quietness doesn’t last long, the suicide patrol waltzes in and hands over my cocktail for the evening. My happiness lies in a medicine cup. I look down into the cup before tipping my head back and swallowing the pills, with a cup of water. The same thoughts cloud my mind each time I feel them slide down my throat. Will happiness ever come outside of these little things? Or will these always be the reason for my contentment? I have to admit, the sleeping pills are my favorite. They take me to a place where my dreams are so vivid they are almost real. I see Will in my dreams every night, where we have our life together. I am no longer waking with the terrifying nightmares where he’s gone and I’m left alone. These are the times where I get to feel his love again. So I count the minutes that it takes before I get to my dreams, until the medication takes effect. Thirty minutes to be exact.

Dr. Duarte comes in right before I settle in for the evening.

“Doctor, to what do I owe the pleasure to this evening?” I am surprised by his presence so late in the evening he usually only comes when I was refuse to take my medication but I have been taking it regularly so this really is a surprise.

“I was doing some rounds and I thought I’d just stop by and talk to you about maybe going home soon. You’ve been doing well on your medication and after speaking with Jimmy your counselor and he sees no reason to keep you longer. I have spoken with your parents…”

“But where will I go?” I interrupt afraid to go home. Alone. To nothing. To no one.

“Home Sophia,” he says.

I sit there, lie there and cry until and I wake up in my dreams with Will.