There’s a knock at my door and I ignore it.

“Sophia?” I don’t answer.

“Sophia, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I continue to ignore her as I sob.

The knock at the door turns into pounding. Katia’s voice is full of concern but my guilt, shame, and grief outweigh what is on the opposite side of the door and I can’t bring myself to face her. I don’t deserve her comfort or her compassion; I deserve the fucking knife that is plowing through my soul.

“I’m sorry Will. I’m so sorry,” I whisper through my silent sobs.

I sit on the floor, leaning back against the wall. I hear Katia talking trying to convince me to open the door. Just for a moment, I close my eyes; they are swollen and red from crying. Exhaustion is slowly creeping in but it quickly morphs into guilt when Matias’ image flashes in my mind.

Oh God, oh God, oh God, please baby forgive me.

I can’t breathe. The more I ask for forgiveness, the more I feel like I betrayed him.

Betrayed.

All the air escapes my lungs; the heaviness in my chest is making it impossible to breathe. I get up hoping to alleviate the weight but at this point I’m gasping for air. I take deep long breaths to calm myself but it’s not working. The tears are escaping, my emotions are out of control, and my thoughts are finally beating me down and inducing loud sobs. I drop to the floor on knees, my legs unable to sustain me.

“I’m sorry Will. I will always love you. Always!” I hear a shrill sound escaping from throat.

“Dammit Sophia, open the fucking door now before I fucking ram it down!” Katia yells. “Sophia,” she warns and then suddenly I hear her body slamming against the door.

“Fucking shit motherfucker! Damn you Sophia, just open the fucking door!”

I had better open the door before she actually succeeds and hurts herself in an attempt to break down the door. I crawl and unlock the door, slowly opening the knob. I see her about to make a run for it in another attempt to ram my door down.

“What the hell? I can’t believe you actually let me attempt it.” I look down unable to make eye contact.

She gets down beside me and just as she touches my shoulder as more tears escape my eyes. My head immediately goes to her lap. She doesn’t say anything, she lets me cry and I let her console me, even though I don’t deserve to be consoled. I need her right now. My heart is on life support and she is one of the four reasons why it’s still beating.

The stillness from the silence brings me back to the reality of today. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to hold the tears, wishing that a year ago yesterday never happened and regretting the moment last night when my eyes fell upon his smile. I sit up ready to confess. I need to tell someone and Katia is the only one who I can tell who would never judge me. She is my only friend.

Breathe.

“I slept with Matias last night,” is all I blurt out because suddenly my chest is constricting making it difficult for me to breathe, talk, and cry at the same time.

“What?” I hear her take a deep breath. She eyes me warily but notices I don’t take back my words; as much as I wish I could, I can’t. “You don’t even like him. How? When?” I see the confusion on her face.

My head immediately falls in shame. She squeezes my hand and picks up my head to look at her. My eyes meet hers eyes and I see there isn’t judgment behind them. All I see is love and understanding. She pulls me into her and my head rests on her shoulder, expelling more of what I thought I had no more to expel, tears.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I whisper and move my head from her shoulder. “I was at the bar last night and one minute he’s Matias then the next,” I take a moment and think about what I’m about to say. “He resembled Will in so many ways last night,” I say shamefully bringing my hands to head.

Tears. They are never ending; they keep streaming down my face. I bring my t-shirt up and wipe them away.

“Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was wishing he was still here, or maybe it’s was both. I don’t know, but I do know that neither of those excuse me from depreciating my marriage.”

“Sophia, you can’t do this to yourself. You can’t expect to live life without living. I’m sorry if these words are going to feel like they cut you but sometimes the truth hurts and I am your friend so I am telling you this because I love you. Will is gone and he is never coming back. I know you love him and you will always have a place in your heart for him but right now, you need to start loving yourself more than him. Okay, so you slept with a man. Women do it and it’s okay. You are a widow. So if you are feeling guilty because you think you cheated on Will, you didn’t, so stop beating yourself up over this. One more thing while I’m at it, the drinking, it needs to fucking stop!” Katia looks at me cautiously. Those words were out of her mouth so fast I’m still trying to process everything.

“I’m a widow,” I say them as if I need reassurance. “I will always love him, you know that right?”

“I know, you always have and I know you always will but I know he loved you too and he would’ve hated to see you this way. I’m sorry he was taken away from you and that life burned you when it felt like it was full of promises. Today makes it even harder to want see that life still has a lot to offer you and I know that you are going to have your good and bad days but you need to try. Lately, it looks like you’ve given up.” She is right; I did give up. It seems easier than to face tribulations.

“I don’t know how to make it through each day,” I say honestly.

“It’s by not giving up.” Katia stands me up from the floor and walks me to my closet. I turn to look at her.

“Get dressed, we are going out for breakfast,” she demands.

“Katia, I can’t. Look at me, and I don’t feel well.” I want to make a thousand excuses to stay in and sleep the pain away.

“Nothing a little makeup can’t help with and maybe next time you won’t drink so much. Better yet, maybe you won’t drink at all.” She smiles with her eyes and gives me an evil grinning smile. She knows I have a hangover.

I STRETCH MY arms and turn on my stomach grabbing my other pillow, the perfume infiltrating my nose awakens thoughts of Sophia. I open my eyes and realize my bed is empty. I get out of bed to check the bathroom, nothing. I look around my room and see no remnants of her presence, she’s gone. Usually, it’s me who loves them and leaves them, or should I say, fucks them and has them leave but damn if anyone has ever fucked me then left me. Shit. My ego just took a hit. I throw myself on the bed her perfume creeps into my nose, and memories of her last night sneak into my thoughts.

The softness of her lips, the sweet sounds of her moans, the warmth of her body, and the passion in her eyes. Nobody has ever shown passion the way she did last night. It was incredible. Damn. I should ask her out for coffee or breakfast. I sit up stunned with myself. Since when do I ever want to ask a girl out the next day?

I take a quick shower in hopes of asking her to go on a motorcycle ride on the way to breakfast, and her saying yes. I shower and get dressed, throwing on some jeans, a t-shirt, and my black boots. Finding myself outside her apartment, I take a deep breath before knocking on her door. I finally knock and I stand there waiting, my palms are sweaty and my heartbeat increases as I knock a second time. Still no answer. Disappointment is not something I’m used to; I’m not even sure how to deal with it. I turn to go back toward my apartment when my phone rings. I pull it out of my pocket and a smile breaks across my face.

“Hermano, how the hell are you?” I say before entering into my apartment.

“Doing well, I was hoping to meet up with you for breakfast this morning. Have time for your big brother?”

“Hell yeah,” I retreat from further entering the apartment and head toward the elevator.

“OK, see you at the café in five.”

We arrive at the same time; I’m parking my motorcycle when I see him pulling into a parking space. If anyone can help me sort through these feeling it’s him, so I’m glad he called when he did. I walk over to him and we give each other a shoulder hug. He hits me hard on my back; I can feel it through my leather jacket. I have always been able to talk to my brother and no matter the problem, he has always helping me sort things out. And if there was ever a time when the situation was tough, he always helped me put things in perspective. He’s my older brother so of course it’s his obligation and duty to help me and my duty as the younger brother is be the clown and the one in dire need of his wisdom.

We enter the café and a waitress immediately approaches us to seat us to a booth. I’m about to slide in when I hear Nicolas articulate the most beautiful name I have ever heard. Sophia. A knot forms in my throat when I hear a hello come from her and Nicolas tell her to call his office first thing Monday to schedule an appointment. I want to face her, the woman who shot down my ego. The woman who, in these last hours, hasn’t been absent from my mind. I turn around and my eyes fall upon hers. What greets me, wounds me and then devastation quickly fills every crevice in my heart. She turns away from me unable to face me, I reach out to touch her but Katia quickly stands and comes between me and Sophia.

“Now isn’t a good time to talk to her,” Katia whispers as she turns me away from Sophia. Katia eyes Nicolas, whose eyes widen getting the hint to leave them alone.

Confusion must be all over my face because I see Nicolas warily eyeing me. Nicolas ushers me to my seat and I take it without hesitation. I turn to her direction and she’s gone. Her table is left absent. I turn and look at my brother who has answers to questions I need answers to.

“Sophia, you know her? How? Where?” I sound a little erratic but I need him to tell me everything he knows about her. I want to know. “She’s my neighbor and last night, we hooked up and you know me-” suddenly the concern in his eyes is gone and is replaced by what looks like anger.

“Listen to me, hermano, you leave this one alone.” His tone is firm. “The last thing she needs is someone like you to be her ruin; she’s not stable, so please just stay away from her. She is a patient who in this last year has endured a lot and as I can see she still hasn’t found her way,” he says in disappointment, more with himself than her. “I… I hope she returns to see me,” he says hopeful and a small smile breaks on his face.

I close my eyes and slowly shake my head. We are interrupted by the waitress, who asks us for our order. My thoughts are still on Sophia; her eyes, her lips, her skin suddenly my thoughts go back to the recognition of her.

“Was she ever hospitalized?” I ask.

“Yes, months ago and I don’t want her back there so please stay the hell away.”

Then suddenly it hit me, why she felt so familiar in a way. It’s her, ghost girl. I always wondered about her. Dreamt about her and now she’s invaded my mind and won’t leave. Maybe if I explain myself to Nicolas he’ll understand and see I don’t intend any harm.

“Nicolas, this girl has been in my mind since I first saw her in the hospital one day when we were going to out to lunch. I ran into her the hallway and her eyes caught my attention-”

“You sick fuck!” Nicolas yells and people are staring. “Preying on vulnerable women, thought you better than that, hermaño.”

“Shh, it’s not what you fucking think,” I whisper trying not to draw anymore attention than we already have. “Can you just fucking listen to what I’m gonna say?” The seriousness in my tone matches my face and he sits backs and takes a sip of his coffee.

“She’s just not any girl; I’ve been dreaming about her. Then her and her friend moved into my apartment building and I helped them move, they’re literally my neighbors. Since I first saw her I wanted to ask her out but she’s so quiet and reserved that I never had an opportunity. Then last night she was at the bar and before we knew it in my bed.” I don’t want to make her sound cheap so I want to let him know how I feel about her. “In that short time we spent last night, she has been able make me feel what passion feels like, what it can mean to be with someone and feel something more than just lust.” I want him to know that she’s not one that I want to love and leave in one night, maybe two. She really is different and I know many say that but I’ll be dammed; I really do want to get to know her, problems and all.

“Listen here, hermañito, I’m only going to say this once and I need you to listen. You leave her alone, you hear? This is no fucking joke. She is fragile. I wish I could say that I’m happy for you but man, this girl isn’t ready for you. She is dealing with her own demons and even though you’re ready for to love, right now she isn’t. She needs to piece her heart back together before she can begin loving someone other than herself, so if you really like her the way you say you do then give her time to heal.” I don’t know if I can stay away from her, I know I probably should and he’ll be angry but I can deal with him. Her demons will just have to learn to take a step back and lose.