The brief exchange stirred up all of the emotions I was feeling and settled in my frontal lobe. My mind is on overdrive and I’m not sure I know how to deal. Walking in and seeing her made my body react which then caused my mind to imagine, which then caused a smile to that image. What I did not expect was her response to my presence. So many things, so many things I wanted to say to her but it was just not the time. She was just at arm’s length away and all I wanted to do was pull her close, wrap my arms around her, and give her all my heart and soul but it’s just not that easy.

This is my darkest night by far; my soul is in deep despair. I have been contemplating with my heart and mind about the idea of love. If only I wouldn’t have made myself susceptible to the possibility to love then I wouldn’t be in this emotional turmoil. But the idea of loving her makes me feel whole. If I don’t welcome these sentiments with arms wide open my heart will never beat the same but I’m afraid if I do my heart will stop if it gets wounded. My racing mind won’t let me sleep. It’s 3 a.m. and the frustration is setting in. My eyes are heavy, my body is restless but my mind feels like it’s running a marathon. I try to zone in on the darkness but even that has me thinking about her.

I finally just climb out bed and head to the kitchen. I make myself a cup of coffee and sit on the couch. I stare out the window, but that does nothing to distract my mind from Sophia; it actually makes me think of her more. What’s worse is that I want to walk right over and knock on her door and talk to her right now. But it’s not ideal at five fucking a.m. I actually don’t fucking have a clue when the ideal time will be to talk to her will be. She wants nothing to do with me. I was lucky to even see her yesterday. I was lucky to even step foot into her apartment, damn it! I should’ve just taken my chance then and walked her to her room and told her exactly how I’m feeling. But I didn’t. So, I sit here staring at nothing with my heart and soul on the verge of ruination like a fucking coward.

I turn on the television and lean back but nothing seems to keep my attention, so I leave it on the history channel; it’s probably the only thing that’s at least semi-interesting. Somewhere between watching the ‘Mysteries at the Museum’ show and drinking my coffee, I must have fallen asleep because suddenly I hear knocking at my door. It’s hard to open my eyes and my body feels is as if someone layered cement on me. I literally feel like I can’t move. It’s been almost two nights without a restful sleep and it’s weighing on me. The knocking continues and I realize that whoever it is isn’t going away. It takes all my strength to get myself up. I look through the peephole and it’s Nicolas. A sigh of relief comes over me, as I didn’t realize until now how much I need to see him until this very moment. I open the door ready to brave whatever words he has for me. I was a fool last time, but now I’m ready to listen and not be stupid and defiant.

“Hermano, what’s wrong? I’ve been trying to call you all morning in hopes you could meet me for coffee but you never picked up which was strange because you always answer my calls. So when you didn’t answer and didn’t call me back, I decided to come by. I saw your car and bike in the parking garage and I knew you were home, but it took you almost ten minutes to answer the door.” Concern floods his eyes and he is looking at me like he wants me to answer questions that I don’t have answers to any.

“I’m sorry, brother, didn’t mean to worry you. I’m just going through some shit.”

“You don’t look well; in fact, you look like you haven’t slept in days. What’s going Matias? Are you in some kind of trouble? This is not like you, talk to me man,” he says, moving over to sit on the couch just as I realize my coffee spilled all over the leather sofa. I grab a kitchen towel and clean it. Nicolas takes a seat on the love seat.

“I fell asleep drinking coffee.” I can’t believe I didn’t feel the liquid running over my chest and back as I slept.

“I can see that.”

“Hermano, I don’t even know where to begin.”

“The beginning would be nice.” I glare at him and he put his hand up in surrender. “Sorry.”

“I’m not one of your patients. This is serious, Nicolas, I’m drowning here man and I can’t seem to get any air. You know that I don’t believe that there’s one person that is meant for oneself. I mean that one person who someone believes you are suppose to love and grow old with until the day you die.”

“A soulmate,” Nicolas confirms.

“Yes, a soulmate. I never believed that one person can feel so much for another being, and can think so much about another being even without their presence. I never even thought I would want to live out my future, my forever with just one woman.” I have to take a moment to recollect myself. The feeling is overwhelming and thinking about not having Sophia makes my heart palpitate. It makes my body feel numb and I feel some tightness in my chest. “The only people I ever cared about apart from myself have been my family, other than that you know I only love myself. I’m selfish. Then, one night I end up here in my bed with this woman, who by the way is my neighbor, and gives me the most passionate night of my life. One night. In one night, she showed me more passion and affection than I have ever received, and fuck me it’s addicting. The way she touched me, the way she was kissing me, down to the way she is looking at me. It was the most intoxicating experience in my life. Since that, I can’t get her out of my fucking head. All I want is to get to know her, to talk to her, to be with her, but damn, she won’t even give me the time of day. I fucking dream of being with her man, shit! Tell me it’s fucked up. Tell me I’m crazy. Tell me I’m a fucking psycho trying to hook up with someone I hardly know.” I finally stop talking and wait for him to respond but all I hear is silence.

“Damn, hermano, I knew you had some interest but I had no idea of the seriousness of the situation. I never thought someone could conquer your heart. You, my brother, are experiencing affection and that is a good thing. I just want to say don’t rush this, don’t push her; it will only back fire on you, believe me when I tell you this. Sophia needs time to heal her old wounds; if you pressure her too much her wounds will scar and never completely heal.”

I know I should listen to him, I said would, and I can’t afford not to. And while I want to go knock on her door, alleviate this heart of mine, and find out if she her heart reciprocates the same feelings, my mind won’t be at rest. “You’re right, hermano, patience means discipline. I just hope I have it in me.” I don’t know if I have the endurance to be patient. I’ve never had to wait for anyone or anything in my life. If I wanted something I got it, but this, this is out of my control.

“You do, you’re a good man. And I know that one day you will make one woman very happy. But right now, please make me happy and accompany me to some lunch. Besides, it looks like you could eat something.” He’s right, it will probably do me good to get out and eat just to get my mind off who’s across the hall.

WHEN THE HEAVINESS finally doesn’t weigh me down, it seems as though I can take a deeper breath. Nicolas has relieved a burden I had no awareness of, damn, no wonder people pay good money to see my brother. Already, I feel like the sun is a little brighter, the music is a little more cheery, and my mood a little lighter. I open my fridge, in the mood for some OJ and there’s none. Shit. I need to go get some groceries. Well now’s a good a time as any, the afternoon is nice. I’m showered and dressed. And well, I feel good, so why the hell not.

I grab my keys and head out in my car since I need a few things. I don’t usually fill the shopping cart since I always just grab the basics. I hardly cook for myself, dinner is usually take out, and when I dine in it’s usually something simple like tacos or hamburgers. I’m standing in front of pounds dead cow trying to make my selection when I hear Katia’s voice behind me. My body acts like a knee jerk reflex. I turn and see her with Sophia’s parents. She locks eyes with mine, she doesn’t smile, and it feels a little awkward as she approaches with Sophia’s parents. I look for her but she doesn’t seem to be near.

“Matias, I’m so happy to see you here, listen tonight my wife and I would like for you to join us for dinner.” My eyes make a round and they land on Katia who looks as stunned probably as I do. But this is an opportunity to see her, to talk to her and I can’t pass it up. Maybe it’s fate.

“Yes, of course.” I see Mrs. Montenegro nudge Katia on her arm wink and smile at her.

“Excellent, you won’t have to go far, it’s right across the hall at Sophie’s place at eight p.m., Theresa is making her famous enchiladas Mexicanas, so don’t be late or you’ll eat them cold.”

“I won’t, I’ll be there.”

“Good, and thanks for not letting me be the only man in a room full of women, it can be intimidating.” I smile as Mrs. Montenegro hits him on the arm. They continue to collect their items and I am still a little shocked by the exchange.

Katia was hard to read, she didn’t say anything to me, and in fact she completely avoided me. Shit. Maybe Sophia is going to be upset over this whole dinner situation. Fate might have just hit the fan.

I completely forget everything I need and just decide on one thing, or two. I purchase two bottles of wine, the best a grocery store carries. I want to be early, so I have about an hour and a half to mentally prepare myself.

TIME COULDN’T HAVE moved any slower. It seems as though the seconds were minutes and minutes were hours. I’ve checked the time a gazillion times but it’s still seven-thirty. I debate whether or not to go over. I wonder if she already knows about my invitation, if so, is she mad? I inhale a deep breath and rub my palms against my fingers. Okay, I am ready to face her. I grab the wine bottles and head out the door.

I only need to knock once, Sophia’s dad welcomes me in with a pat on the back and her mom greets me from the kitchen as I walk in. I hold up the bottles of wine, grateful I had two so he wouldn’t notice my clammy hands.

“Bring those here,” she says. “And pour me a glass. I’m glad you made it.” As I walk into the kitchen, she stops what she is preparing to greet me with a kiss on the cheek.

I round the corner and standing with her back to me is Sophia. She hasn’t even acknowledged my presence. She’s cooking; my nerves suddenly kick up a notch. Now I’m just hoping I don’t break a fucking glass. Man up, Matias. If you want her, let her know it. Be the man you know you are.

Seeing the light shine on her hair, seeing her standing there, warms at my soul. I approach her from behind and look over her shoulder to see what she is cooking. Yum, rice.

“Smells good,” I say it close to hear so only she can hear me.

“My mom made it, I was just checking in on it,” she says and doesn’t bother to say hello. She doesn’t even look at me.

“I meant you.” That statement made her head turn. She looks at me and I step back and give her a smile and a wink. “Wine glasses are here?” I ask.

She just shakes her head in acknowledgment and turns back around. As I’m pouring the wine she excuses herself and rushes out of the kitchen. Her mom goes right behind her and a sense of uneasiness comes over me. I hope I didn’t do anything to upset her. I walk over a glass of wine to Señor Montenegro.

“Don’t worry, son, it’s woman stuff. You know they go through this when-” He is cut off by Katia who coming from the hallway.

“I’ll take that and don’t worry Sophia is just fine. So why don’t you help me finish up the small things in the kitchen that Mrs. Montenegro needs done.” She loops her arm in mine and pulls me toward the kitchen while taking sips of the wine she took from me. Mr. Montenegro laughs and shakes his head.

“Ahh, I remember those days when Theresa and I where young. Believe me you two, it only gets better when you get older.”

“What does?” Mrs. Montenegro asks.

“The love.” Mr. and Mrs. Montenegro smile at each other and I can’t help but think that they’re assuming, Katia and I are, uhm…no!

“Who’s in love?” Sophia asks.

She looks around and spots me. The blood rushes from my head to toes and suddenly I wish we were the only ones in the room. My body is slowly drawing itself to hers but as about to approach her she turns and runs toward the bathroom. I run after her and hear her vomiting. Katia is behind me.

“She is okay, she has a stomach bug and has been ill. Go and I’ll take care of her.”

I slowly walk to the kitchen worried about Sophia; I hate that she’s ill. I wish I would be the one next to her comforting her, holding her. I take a seat at the table and my appetite is gone. Mr. and Mrs. Montenegro are having a conversation but my attention is on Katia and Sophia in the bathroom.

“That must be a bad stomach bug,” I comment.

“A stomach bug?” Mrs. Montenegro questions.

“Sophia is pregnant.”

“Mother, no!” Sophia yells.

I feel all the blood drain from me. I feel lifeless. My heart just stopped from beating.