I wake, stretching out like a cat. I roll over, sensing Matias is not in the bed with me. Grabbing his pillow, I inhale his smell. I feel a piece of paper fall on to my arm. I will get in a moment. But even before I open my eyes my tummy rumbles. God I’m always hungry.

“Aye voy, mi mariposa,” I say as I rub my belly, I grab the note. And read it.

If you wake before I’m home read me:

Amor,

Your coffee is ready just pop a k-cup and press brew. I’m bringing you breakfast (everything on the menu) I just had to run a quick errand this morning.

Love you!

“Guess is just you and me, butterfly baby until daddy gets home with breakfast.” Getting up, I go to use the restroom and wash my face grabbing one of Matias’ shirts before walking towards the kitchen. Pretty soon, they will not fit me at all; as it is, fits me very snug, barely covering my butt.

“I hope you meet a guy as sweet and handsome as your daddy when you are like thirty, not sooner okay.” I pat my belly. Seems weird that I always do that now, talk to her as if she can hear me. Grabbing the coffee mug I turn to the island, I feel the mug slip from my fingers as a pain comes to my chest, blocking my oxygen. I can’t breathe I grab my chest gasping for air, and just like it started it stops leaving me shaken and scared.

What the fuck was that?

I look at the mess on the floor from the spilled coffee, and I grab the mop, my hands still shaking. I clean up and go to the bedroom grabbing my phone. I call my doctor for an appointment. I need to make sure the baby is okay, that I’m okay. After I hang up I try Matias number; it rings and rings, until his voice mail comes on. He probably is inside a building or something. That would happen to William all the time. I leave him a quick message to meet me at the doctor’s office.

I go to my apartment to get ready. Even though I have a lot of my stuff at Matias’, I still have my clothes at my apartment. He does not have a big enough closet Katia must already be at work, because the apartment is too quiet. I take a hot bath to see if that would calm my nerves. Toweling down I hear the front door open and close.

“Sophia!” Katia calls out. “Wait here, I will get her.” There’s something strange in her voice.

“Coming! I’m in the shower,” I yell back. Katia should be at school at this time. I wonder if something happened. I hope she didn’t get fired. I rush to get ready.

“Okay,” I hear her respond as I brush my hair and do a quick fishtail braid.

Walking into the living room, I see that Nicolas and Katia both quiet, lost in their own thought.

“Hey,” I say to both of them. Nicholas stands, as does Katia. Her eyes have this sad compassionate look about them. They are filled with unshed tears.

The emotion I feel entering my body is something I have felt before.

Dread. I know they are going to say something I don’t want to hear.

“Sophia… I have some news that might upset you,” Nicolas says as Katia rushes to me, grabbing my hand and leading me to the sofa. “Sophia there has been an accident. Matias…” And just like that everything goes silent again. There are no flutters this time, only stillness. I can see Nicholas’ mouth moving but I can’t hear a word. I can feel the walls closing in. The pieces of my heart that were mending crumbling again. God, I can’t handle this again.

“Sophia, Matias is alive. Sophia can you hear me?” Katia ask as she looks at me. “Well aren’t you an insensitive prick! You should have started with stating that he is okay,” Katia angrily tells Nicholas over her shoulder. “You being her doctor, you should know that.”

“What do you mean?” I squeak to Katia, she squeezes my hand.

“That’s what I have been telling you I went to see Matias before I came here, so you wouldn’t think the worst. I wanted to have answers, being that you are pregnant I didn’t want to risk anything happening to you or the baby. Also with your history, I didn’t want to give you unnecessary worry. Besides my brother would have my head if I upset you in any way.” Katia looks at him with a pointed stare. Too late.

“Where is he? What happened?” I get up, start pacing, because all I want to do is run out of this apartment, and go to the hospital. But at the same time, I’m scared. Scared as to what I would find once I get there. I start rubbing my stomach; I can feel the baby moving. That springs me into action. I can’t be a coward, I need to be by his side at this time. “You know what, just fucking tell me on the way. I need to see him.” I walk out of the apartment, not bothering to wait for them.

“Sophia, wait up. You have to be careful.” I slow my pace even when I don’t want to. She is right the baby has to be my priority, but so is Matias. He came into my life in my darkest times and still stayed around. He has shown me how to live and love again, just as strongly as before. That it’s not wrong to have someone else in your heart and still love someone as madly and deeply.

Nicholas opens his car and we get in. He doesn’t start talking until we are on the road.

“He met up with Sam to sell the motorcycle this morning. According to Sam, he did a test run and he couldn’t stop the motorcycle, he ran into Matias. Matias tried jumping out of the way, but he fell hard on the pavement. There will be some bruising and he has some broken ribs. Thankfully they didn’t puncture a lung when the ribs broke. But when he fell, he fell on the pavement, banging his head hard on the concrete and fell unconscious. Sophia, he hasn’t woken up yet.”

I gasp. A sob breaks from my lips, hugging my belly, trying to protect my daughter from the heartache that is coming. I’m sorry princess, I will be strong for you. I feel her kick me like she understands.

“What the fuck, what part of easing her towards what happen you didn’t understand? With her condition something can happen to the baby.”

“Sorry, I’m usually the calm one. But all this has me not thinking before I speak. I’m sorry, Sophia,” he says.

“It’s okay; I know how hard this is for you too. What has doctor told you?”

“The Dr. Fender is optimistic. In a way, Matias being in coma is a good thing since it can give his body time to heal. But they don’t know the extent of the injury until he wakes up.”

God if you are listening, please hear my prayers. I know I forgot about you, but I can’t lose him. I need him. Our baby needs him. Please let him get better. The tears have not stop coming. And I know they won’t stop until I see him awake and smiling

“How about your parents, do they know?” I had not thought about them at all.

“They are with him now, as is Sam. I called them as soon as the hospital contacted me, as I am next of kin. Once the doctor came to talk to us, I went straight to your home to get you. I called Katia on the way to meet me there just incase you were still asleep or” I know what he doesn’t say, just incase I had a total freak out. Which I might still have, once I see Matias.

He parks at the hospital and we check in, going to the elevator for the ICU floor. As soon as the doors open, I feel frozen to the floor. I can’t walk out. I just can’t.

“Sophia, I am here for you, everything will be okay. Matias is waiting to hear your voice. All you have to do is to breathe,” Katia tells me, standing in front of me. “Deep breaths,” she demonstrates and I mimic each deep breath and before I know it we are standing outside his room door.

“I’m scared.”

“I know you are babe, but he is still here, healing to come home to you and your baby. You have to be strong for both of you now. Just pull up your big girl panties and walk in there. I think all he needs is to feel you, Sophia,” she says, squeezing me in a hug and sending me on my way.

I have to be strong for Matias, and what lies ahead. All I have to concentrate right now is in today.

And today he is breathing.

Here it goes. I turn to go into the room; Nicholas stops me.

“Sorry, Sophia I have not been the support that you need right now, being your doctor I have to take care of you first and I was just thinking about me. Remember he is in a coma so he might look worse than he really is. He has tubes coming out his mouth and he is hooked up to different monitors. Don’t be scared or worried, everything in there is to help him.”

“Okay,” I mumble.

“We will be in the waiting area while you visit with him. Take your time. They are allowing you to stay in there longer, because of your condition and his. But starting tomorrow we are only allowed a few minutes during their schedule time,” he explains.

I walk inside the room, tears still streaming down my face. All I see is tubes in his mouth, different IV’s on his arms; he is bare from his chest up. I can see the bindings for the ribs and he has electronic monitors around his heart, which are hooked to another machine. He is surrounded by machines. I take tentative steps to his bed. I touch his hand, and it is warm, that gives me the calm I need to stop my tears.

He looks so still. I touch all of him, running my hands over his heart looking for his heartbeat. I lean down, kissing his warm lips.

“You have to wake up baby. We need you. I need you. Is this because I freaked out about getting married? You didn’t have to be so dramatic,” I tried to joke. “I love you more than I ever thought possible. You have given me hope for the future. And I promise, yes I promise you that we will be a family. Just wake up. You can’t do this to me, to us. You have to wake up. You can’t leave me here too.” Touching and kissing his face, I make the promise over and over. Grabbing his hand, I lay my head over his heart and start praying.

Praying for him to wake up.

Praying for him to not give up.

Praying for him to not be in pain.

Just praying for him and us.

I don’t know how long I prayed, I don’t stop until I feel I hand on my shoulders.

“Sophia, you need to rest. Come with me, let’s go to the waiting area,” Matias’ mother tells me.

“My son would not like it if you tire yourself out.” I reluctantly let go of Matias, kissing him on his pale, warm lips. My head is pounding and I realize that I never did get breakfast. And just as I finish that thought my tummy rumbles with hunger.

“Sorry,” I tell Matias mom. “With everything I didn’t eat breakfast. Matias was bringing it this morning.” A sob breaks through. She hugs me to her. “I’m sorry, I know that you must be so worried, too. It’s just…”

“Yo se, mija. I know.” She rubs my back consoling me. Her hug tightens around me. We walk out of the room and I hate leaving him alone. He needs to know that I am there, next to him. That he is not alone.

“I don’t want him to be alone.”

“I will come back in and sit with him, while you get some rest and lunch.”

“Ok.” We enter the waiting area and Katia comes to toward me.

“How is he?” Katia asks.

“He is breathing, he is warm, and his heart is beating. He is alive. And I am grateful for that,” I tell her. I feel once again like a boat without its compass, just floating in the water with no destination, lost in the sea of emotions.

“Katia, can you take Sophia to get some lunch and rest? She can come later this afternoon.” Mrs. Duarte tells Katia.

“Of course, come on Sophia we need to feed your little butterfly.”

“Call me if he… If there are any changes,” I say as I get ushered out of the waiting area.

“Of course,” Mrs. Durante says.

“Can you believe Nicolas is lending me his car? We can take it for a high speed drive, if you want.”

“I don’t think Nicolas would like for us to come out on the six o’clock news,” I warn her.

“Party pooper.” I know what she is doing, trying to take my mind off Matias. But it’s never going to work. But I won’t tell her. Sometimes it’s better for other people to think that you are okay when you are not, just because sometimes they don’t understand how to handle your heartache.

“So what do you want to eat? Mexican? Italian?” She goes on and on naming different cuisine, but nothing is appealing. I am actually not hungry, but I know the baby is.

“Your choice,” I say.

“What? It has not been my choice for the past seven months.” Again she continues to exaggerate about her never picking a place in that long. Well, it’s not my fault the baby had cravings so much that Matias always let me win when picking a place to eat. It was usually three against one.

“How about comfort food, some fried chicken, rice, and mashed potatoes?” That does sound good.

We go to a local diner that we frequent and order all of that and fried okra, which I love with lemon. Katia talks about work and just trivial things. Like baby names and if I want a baby shower or not. I just can’t help but keep remembering all the machines. The stillness of Matias’ body, just like William’s body, no movement. But with Matias I can hear his heartbeat and that is what is keeping me together and not having a full length meltdown like before. My phone rings as soon as we leave the restaurant.

“Hello,” I answer. Katia mouths, ‘home?’ asking if I want to head back to the apartment. I shake my head no. She knows where I need to be.

“Hola princessa,” I hear my parents answer in unison.

“Hola papi y mami,” I respond as I slide into the car.

“How are you doing? Mrs. Duarte called us and told us what happen with Matias. Do you need us to come down?” my mother asks. I know our relationship has been rocky, but I love my mother. Because no matter how I may act, she never accuses me of anything. She loves me.

“No mami. Estoy bien. Baby and I are doing okay. Just stay home, so when baby comes you guys can stay here longer.” I want them here when the baby arrives. I know nothing about babies, so I am relaying on our parents to teach us everything.

“You know if you need us, we will be there.” I know that, but right now I don’t want to need them. Having them here would be like I am giving up. That I need them to help me get through the pain of losing Matias.

“I know. Hopefully Matias wakes for our baby gender reveal next week. He will love to be there just to say ‘I told you so.’ But with me working on the project and Matias finishing with restoration, we had been too busy to do it before. I never thought that was going to be a possibility again.” I ramble.

“You ramble when you are worried, Sophia,” my mother is always quick to tell me.

“Dejala, Theresa. Princesa, we are glad that you are working and just living again. There were times when I was afraid that I lost my beautiful little girl too.” My father always the sentimental one, always playing the devil’s advocate.

“It’s okay papi, I am worried. But I have prayed and I have faith that everything will be okay. Bueno, I have to go; we have arrived at the hospital and I need to go up.”

“Hospital? Mrs. Duarte said you were going home to rest. Sophia Lee, go home, rest. You are only going to add to that poor family’s worry, if something happen to you or the baby,” my mother argued.

“Mami, if papi was in the hospital would you leave him alone?” I asked.

“No, I wouldn’t,” she responded as if I had offended her.

“Then don’t ask that of me. I can’t. I will take care, but for now I need to be with him.” I don’t want to be away more than necessary. It’s hard to think that I didn’t even know him a few months ago and now he is what keeps my world rotating.

“Okay, but please take care and calls us no matter time or day. Now that we have a cellular phone you can reach us anywhere.” I know mom.

“I will. Los amo, cuidense.”

“We will, bye baby.” They hang up.

I arrive at the floor and I walk toward the room, bypassing the waiting area; I know Nicholas is there and will make me go home. So I leave Katia to take care of that. Hey, what are friends for? I feel like I am walking the plank in a pirate ship as I walk the long hallway to his room. The room that will be known as my home away from home, but I don’t know that as I get to the room. His mom is there, talking to him about memories. I just stand there and listen. Rubbing my belly, feeling my baby move.

BETWEEN TEARS AND laughter, we continue to be by his side, never leaving him alone. Always talking to him and praying for him. Our gender reveal party was held at the hospital, since Matias had still not woken up. Days became weeks without his laughter or his voice. But hope was always present.

We were having a girl. Just like Matias always predicted. He is going to love that he called it.

“Are you staying or are you leaving already?” Nicholas asks; I know that he wants me home early since my due date is coming up quick.

“Staying. It is still early and I’m at a hospital if I need anything. I am in the safest place imaginable,” I say with a smile. The doctors say we have to give him time, when he is ready he will let us know. So that’s what we all have been doing just waiting and waiting.

“Okay, well take care. I will see you guys tomorrow. Matias don’t go anywhere.” He always says that when he leaves now. Like making sure Matias won’t leave this earth.

“Don’t worry, we are his anch…OW!” Pain as I have never felt pulses through my body.

“Sophia are you okay?” Nicolas rushes towards me as I cringe in pain, and then I feel water.

“I think my water just broke.” I look at Nicholas, stunned.

“So good thing we are at a hospital, right? Let me get a nurse.” He leaves the room calmly. Seriously. God, Matias you have to be here for this. You promised. I feel the pain travel around me once again. The contractions are too close together. I thought it should have last longer in between hits. Nicholas comes back with a nurse and a wheelchair. He gets my purse and starts for the door.

“No, stay with him. He can’t be alone,” I say in between breaths.

“Sophia, I cannot leave you alone.”

“I will just worry more if he is alone. I have a great doctor and the hospital has an awesome staff. I will be fine. Please Nicolas.” Reluctantly he accepts defeat and stays behind.

“I’ll call everyone,” he yells as we get on the elevator.

The next hours pass in a blur, Katia and Mrs. Duarte fuss all around me. Katia is taking video of every moment for Matias to see later. My mother has been calling every five minutes, forbidding me to have her first grandchild without her. She and dad are on their way. The contractions keep coming closer and closer. The doctor says the baby is ready to come out. All I can think about is Matias should be here, I need him here. I am rushed to the delivery room after the nurse checked how much I was dilated. And before I know it the doctor, Katia and Mrs. Duarte are all yelling at me to push. I can feel the tears running down my face. I am about to meet my baby girl. I hear a loud scream that turns into a beautiful song. My baby whimpers. And then happy tears run down everyone’s face.

The nurse places the baby by my side; the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.

Our hope. Our beautiful butterfly.

I didn’t know at the time but I would learn later that in another floor, in another room, at the same time that our beautiful girl opened her baby green eyes, the matching pair were fluttering open once again.