I never knew I could feel this complete again. When Will died, I thought that I had nothing to live for. He was the sole purpose of my life, being that he was there since the beginning when my body came to womanhood. He was my first everything. One of the greatest heartaches is losing someone you love madly and profoundly, by break-up, divorce or death, it doesn’t matter. And no one, I mean no one can ever tell you how deeply or for how long you are allowed to mourn that lost love. They will not give you the cure for it and there will be no answers in a book or at the bottom of the bottle that will help you survive the heartache.

I can’t say that I went through the five stages of grief, since I made a home in denial and depression, while taking a vacation in anger with a side of self-destruction. But it’s the price to pay for love. The devastation will always be worth it. And even now knowing that Will and I will never grow old together, I am happy that at least for the time he was put on this earth, he was loved by so many. Just like I locked my heartache away I also need to put Will’s love way to be able to move forward into the next chapter of my life.

I look around the room to all the faces that are here for Matias and our baby. The people I hurt with my selfishness and the people I collected along the way; my parents, Katia, Nicholas and Matias’ parents surrounding us with laughter, joy, and especially love, makes me realize that saying yes to life leaves you open to any form of pain, but yet it also brings you life.

I feel someone looking at me and I turn to see the most beautiful green eyes, eyes I had missed for the past month.

I smile shyly at Matias. “How do you feel?”

“How’s a man supposed to feel when he wakes up and finds the most beautiful two girls in all the land by his side? Beyond lucky. I hate saying this but didn’t I tell you we were having a girl?” He leans down and kisses our baby’s forehead.

“Yes you did. So, any names options?” I ask adjusting myself better on the bed.

“Anything you decide, I’m okay with. I’m just so in love with her,” he says, kissing her forehead again and inhaling her sent. “And you of course.” I lean in for a kiss.

“I thought I was insane when I smelled her, since the nurses put her in my arms. Doesn’t she smell beautiful? So, back to the name. I want to stop calling her butterfly. What do think of Petunia or Maria Jose Rosario de Jesus, would that be ok?” I joke.

“She is going to be so beautiful that nobody will care.” I can see the love shining from his eyes. Love that will be there forever.

“Yeah, the boys will be fighting for her left and right. We might have to hold interviews for who gets to go out with her,” teasingly I continue.

“Fuck no. She is not dating until she is fifty. If ever.”

“We will see about that, daddy. So, I was thinking Nova. What do you think?”

“Nova Duarte. I love it,” he whispers. She will have her daddy wrapped around her finger. The way it should be.

“We have a name!” Turning to our family I tell them, “this little butterfly’s name will be Nova.”

“Finally,” Katia says. Everyone knew I didn’t want to name her until Matias was awake. Ever since I was able to feel her moving inside me, we would call her butterfly because I would feel like fluttering wings every time she would kicked me. And towards the last month, she would only do it when I was close to Matias. Like she knew she was close to her father.

We continue to talk and everyone said their goodbyes. Matias needed rest and so did I. Birthing was no joke, but they all knew I was not going to be kept apart from Matias once I heard he had awaken. The nurse came and took Nova to the nursery. I stayed behind; I can’t seem to leave.

Everything goes quiet, the only thing I hear are the machines that are still monitoring Matias heart rate and pulse.

“Come here,” Matias husky voice demands. I feel it in every inch of my body. He adjusts himself to make room for me to lie down on the bed carefully, sideways facing each other.

“I should get going, you need your rest,” I say but I still lay down next him, how could I not?

I missed him.

“Fuck that, I had plenty of rest already.” I can hear his conviction in his voice. He hugs me to him as soon as I lay down completely. “God I miss this, even when I didn’t know I was not doing it.”

“How do you really feel?” I ask as I hug him back. I can smell the antiseptic smell all hospitals have but I can also smell him underneath all that.

“Complete now.” I know how he feels, because that is how I feel right now; that every puzzle pieces in my life is finally where it should be.

“You know what I mean, babe?”

“Disoriented, confused, angry, sad, but not in pain, and slight discomfort. I can’t believe I was asleep for a month. I can’t wrap my head around that. Everything I missed. Heck, everything that you had to do alone. It tears me apart knowing what I put you through, what you must have been feeling just seeing me here. Angry that I missed my daughter’s birth. But I have to be relieved that I am here now.” He kisses my neck, and I can feel the butterflies in my tummy wrecking havoc.

“I cried and prayed the first two days, all day long. I could not handle the not knowing. If you would wake up or not. If the doctors knew more than what they were saying. But then I realize that you were here alive and I could not give up on you. As long as I still felt your warmth and heard your heartbeat, I kept the faith. I needed to be strong for you and Nova. So, I stayed here all day every day; Nick had to kick me out to go eat and sleep. He said that if I didn’t he was going to deny me entry, since technically I was not family.” I feel Matias stiffen. He pulls back a bit to look at my eyes.

“What the fuck! You were not taking care of yourself?” He is so mad. I was expecting him getting mad at Nicolas, not me. I look away. He holds my chin up. “No matter what, you always have to take care of yourself first always. Promise me, Sophia. And take care of Nova. You two are the most important people in my life. I need to know that you will be okay.”

“Can you promise me that you will never put yourself in danger again?”

“What? And risk losing you? Never. And now I have a daughter to raise. I don’t know what the future holds or if anything can happen later, but for the time I am by your side I promise not to take any unnecessary risks. This was just an unfortunate accident.” He kisses me with the hunger that I feel. We don’t come up for air until the nurse walks in and puts a stop to our reunion. Like teenagers caught, she sends me to my room after the candy stripe volunteer gets there to wheel me away.

“See you soon, baby.” Matias says, blowing me a kiss.

NOVA AND I left the hospital first. Matias will be released in three days. He was pretty upset about that, but the doctor ordered him to stay and I agreed with him. The doctor just wanted to run more CT scans due to Matias experiencing some dizziness. He also had to get together with a physical therapist to see about doing some motor exercises. So we left him behind. There was a lot of cussing on his part and tears on mine during the departure.

With the help of the abuelitos, Nova and I made Matias’ apartment our own. I was able to fit most of my clothes in his closet. I left all my furniture at the old apartment. My parents will be staying in my room there for a few months to be with the baby and me, so they will need it. And I am still paying my half of the rent. But Katia will put an ad for a roommate later if she feels like it.

Matias wanted to assemble the crib and all of the nursery furniture, so I told everyone that at least he should still be able to do that, since he missed the delivery. And Nova could wait three days for her daddy to make her bed.

Who knew that babies needed so many things? I sure didn’t. I love that she has everything under the sun. But we might get kicked out once Matias gets home. All his nice open area is gone. I smile at all the mess as I make my way to the kitchen to start preparations for Matias’ and Nova’s welcome home party. Nicolas, Katia, my parents and Matias’ parents are coming over. Sam was invited too, for Matias. I have not forgiven Sam for what happen to Matias. I invited Will’s parents and nanny.

This was celebration of life.

Of family.

Of love.

The doorbell rings and I look at the clock; it is too early for anyone to be here. I run to get it, because I don’t want Nova to wake up.

I open the door to the biggest floral arrangement I have ever seen, covering the person holding them.

“Gosh are these for me?” I make a grab for the card.

MISS ME? It reads.

Dropping the note, I push the flowers to the side.

“Matias!” I yell. “What the heck are you doing here? Nicolas is supposed to go get you.” I lead him inside.

“Once the sun came up, I demanded to speak to the doctor. I had no reason to stay there a minute longer. So I discharged myself and grabbed a taxi home. So, surprise!” Setting the arrangement on the table he grabs me, kissing me. “It’s kind of weird ringing my own doorbell.” We walk to the sofa, sitting down. Matias sits down on an angle, forcing me lay on his torso. I pause for a bit because this is something that I enjoy doing with Will not so long ago, but I shake the nostalgia feeling. I lay my head on his warm chest, hearing his heart beating, making me feel warm all over.

“How do you feel?”

“Good, glad to be home. How are the preparations coming for the dinner? And why is there a mess in our home?”

“One, they are being interrupted by the guest of honor, for which I’m glad. And two, you sir are a parent now, so that means total and utter chaos twenty-four-seven.” Just as if on cue, a squeak is heard on the baby monitor. Nova is awake. I am about to get up to go get her, since it’s feeding time. But Matias holds me back.

“Let me get her.” He walks to the room bringing her to me. “How can this tiny little thing make so much noise?” I extend my arms to hold her.

“She’s hungry, aren’t you butterfly?” Opening in up my shirt, I bring her to my breast, and she latches on, suckling. I wince a little since this is still new to me, but it was an experience that I really wanted to have with my baby. My mother did it with me, my grandmother to her. It was something all the women in my family did for generations. I almost gave up in the hospital because it hurt. But my mother taught me how to do it right. We bonded for the first time in years.

I look up and see Matias just staring us in wonder, as if it’s the most breathtaking view he has ever seen. The man, who has gone all over world exploring all the most beautiful architectural building, was almost moved to tears seeing me breastfeed.

He gets up and goes to his work desk, bringing with him a pad and a pencil. He sits back down on the sofa facing us. And starts to draw. We stay in complete silence until Nova is ready to be burped, and she promptly goes back to sleep. I get up to set her down, all the while seeing Matias lost in his drawing. I come back and he is laying down; on the coffee table a picture of Nova and I stares back at me. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful knowing that is how we look through Matias’ eyes. We make eye contact he opens his arms and I lay down.

“Wow, I’m speechless.” What he can’t say with words, he shows me with his kisses.

All party preparations are forgotten.

“I am standing here firmly without wavering in front of you promising you to love you forever. I never knew love could feel like this.” He leans in and kisses me with the same force as the love I can see through his eyes. “I can still see some ripples of fear reflecting in your eyes, but I promise you I will slay every dragon for you. My love for you is as intense as a hurricane.”

“I just can’t lose you. I was so scared the whole month that you weren’t with us. I didn’t know if you were going to make it or not. Falling in love with you was a risk I took. I knew that loving again was going to leave me open to be hurt, but I did it anyway. And it almost broke me again.” I feel tears land on my cheeks.

“Shh…I’m here, next you. Shh…Loving you.” Hugging me to him, he continues to sooth me. “I am sorry that you had to live through all that again. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know that while I am alive you will be the love in my heart.” He kisses me once again, starting by kissing my tears from my cheeks working his way to my lips. I feel his breath on my neck, his lips erasing all the anguish I felt just remembering being next to his bed and seeing him in a coma, not knowing if there would going to be any consequences from the fall or if he would ever wake up.

Our kisses turn to something more profound, sharing our souls with every breath we take. His hands roam my body marking it once more. We get lost in each other arms. I don’t know when our clothes came off until I feel his breath on my naked skin.

“How I fucking love you,” he whispers over my body, the words penetrating my pores, making my blood flutter.

“Never stop,” I gasp between kisses. We know we can‘t have sex yet, but this feels like so much more.

“Never.”

The End