“Where were you?” Katia asks as soon as I walk in the door. She is sitting in the couch eating cereal, watching some show about housewives.

“Out,” I reply making my way to the kitchen.

“I think you coming in from the front door gave away the fact that you were out,” she says pointing to the door with her spoon. “Out where?”

“Having dessert.” I don’t know why I am prolonging the conversation. Since I know she will not stop until I give her all sequence of events. “With Matias.”

I had never seen Katia move as fast as she did when he heard the name I just uttered.

“What! How did this happen? Why did it happen? Why am I hearing about this now? Why did you wear that? Did you tell him, that he is your baby daddy?”

“Whoa, whoa.” I back away from her moving towards the breakfast counter. She had gotten so close to me when she rushed into the kitchen. I thought she was going to run me into the wall. “Interrogate much?”

“Sorry, but this is epic. You actually had a date with a man. And not just any man, but the one that knocked you up.”

“Can you stop saying that?” I snap. I know I’m pregnant, so I don’t need her to constant remind me. And besides, I was there so I know who the father is.

“Look Sophie, I know that you don’t want to acknowledge that fact that the baby is Matias’, but how long do you think you can keep it a secret?” I know she is right but I’m not ready.

I walk back to the kitchen and hug her. I need her. She automatically hugs me back tighter. I cry a bit into her shoulder. I can’t believe I almost cried at dessert. I felt so guilty being there with him. I was betraying Will, being with another man. I felt things when he touched me, and when he smiled. I felt something flutter in my stomach and it wasn’t the baby.

“I told him to stay away from me. That I didn’t have room in my heart for him. He actually looked devastated.”

“Aye, Sophia.” We come apart and we walk to the couch. I drop myself on to it. Katia runs back to the kitchen and appears in the living room back with one pint of coconut ice cream.

My favorite.

“I almost forgot,” she says as she hands me the spoon and the pint.

“I told you I just had dessert, Katia.”

“I know, but you need more calories in you.” She says this as she rolls her eyes at me. “When is your doctor’s appointment?”

“Next Tuesday. Why? Want to come?” I ask.

“Sure. I would love to be your plus one,” she jokes.

I hate going by myself. I ran out as if the building was on fire after my first appointment. After I had taken all the ten tests to confirm I was pregnant, I still needed to get the official statement from my gynecologist so the insurance could pay for the pregnancy. I went to that appointment on my own. I searched for someone new and close to where I lived now. On the day of the appointment, I walked in scared and nervous. I was nervous to think that maybe all the test were defective and I was really not pregnant. And I was scared because what if I was; what was I going to do with a baby by myself? I had to understand the reasoning behind all this. Why now? Why when I was living my greatest heartache, something as beautiful as a child was created. If Katia had not seen all the tests on the coffee table, I would have thought I dreamt the whole thing. I guess that’s why I came alone, because if it was a false positive I could hide that new heartache.

I smile and continue eating my ice cream.

“SO DO YOU need anything besides marshmallows?” Katia ask as she goes to pay the gas.

“Nope that’s it,” I reply.

“You know it sucks that I have to be the man in this relationship, and not get all the perks,” she says as she gets in the car. “I have to do midnight craving runs and gas stop ones.”

“I love you, Katia,” I reply. She throws the bag of marshmallows at me.

We make it to the appointment with minutes to spare. They call me in, and we rush to the room.

“I’m so glad we got called in so fast. I thought I we had walked in Willy Wonka’s factory. Everyone was way too cheerful for my taste,” she says as the nurse walks in.

“Excuse me Mrs. Collins, can you remove your pants and put on this over your legs? Once you are ready, turn this light on to signal the doctor to come in.” And with that, she walks out.

I give Katia a look and she turns around. “Bitch, you know I have seen you naked before. Like when you were in your comatose state and I would take you into the shower.”

“But this is different. So pipe down.” I take off my pants and sit on the freaking cold table.

“Katia, can you turn on the light?” She gets up and turns it on.

“Do you realize that this will be something you do every month for like nine months? Taking your clothes off and sitting naked on a table that has probably seen thousands of naked butts. Gross.”

“Seriously, are you twelve?” I can’t help but smile.

“Ah, there it is the look I was going for, instead of the scared rabbit one. I know this is hard for you Sophia, but look at the bright side, you will always have me.”

The door opens and Dr. Keetes walks in. I decided to go with a new doctor for this. My old gynecologist knew me since we moved here. And I really didn’t want to answer any awkward questions.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Keetes.” She shakes my hand and Katia’s. “So, Sophia, you are on your first trimester, correct?”

“Yes,” I reply.

“Okay. Can you scoot to the edge and put your feet up on the stirrups? Let’s take a look at your baby.” Just then, the nurse walks in with the sonogram machine.

“It will be cold and there might there might be a little discomfort but we will be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat and it will make all of it worth it.” I feel slimy, cold wetness as the speculum probes into my opening.

“What we are seeing is the cervix.” Then there is a flutter in the monitor and this whooshing sound comes on the speaker. “And that ladies, is the heartbeat. Sounds strong,” she says as she stops moving the probe.

The feeling I get is overwhelming. I feel so much elation that it is oppressing my chest. I feel Katia squeezing my hand. I wish Will was here, that we were experiencing this together like we should have. That it was him squeezing my hand. I feel the tears running down my face. Through all this happiness I also feel anger. Towards God, towards life and fate, for giving me this moment when my soulmate died. I just feel too much all at once.

“Do you both need a minute? I know it is an amazing feeling when you hear the heartbeat for the first time as a family.” Dr. Keetes looks at both of us.

“Oh! No, we are not a couple. I’m not the father, well in this insistence the other mother,” Katia quickly responds.

“Oh I’m sorry.” She looks at everything except us. “Well, fathers always miss this part. But I think this is the best part. The first time you hear your child alive. Well, we can’t record this for him. So he has to come next time.” She smiles and starts to pull the probe out. I look over her to Katia.

“It’s okay, he is deceased.” I state, the emotion that was over powering my body suddenly gone. Can this visit get any more awkward?

“Oh my, I’m sorry for your loss.” I see the pity come into her eyes and hear it in her voice. I look from her to Katia’s angry stare. Yeah I bet I will hear from it on the way home.

“It’s okay,” I say, because what else is there to say.

“Okay, we are done here.” She gets up and swipes all the instruments. “You can change and I will write you prescriptions for some prenatal vitamins. I will see you back in eight weeks. Any questions?” She looks at me, I shake my head and then she walks out of the room. The nurse walks in and takes the machine with her.

I get off the bed and walk over to the counter to get a Kleenex to wipe off the sticky gel.

“I can’t believe you said that, Sophia. I can’t even look at you. That is a selfish thing to say,” Katia starts as soon as the door clicks shut.

“Look, Katia don’t start,” I say as I yank my pants on.

“You are impossible. I’ll wait outside,” she says as she walks out of the room in a huff.

I grab my purse and walk out. I go to the receptionist; she gives me my appointment card and lets me know that they have already send my prescription to my pharmacy.

I see Katia by the door. She gives me a hard stare and walks out the building. I ran out after her. But I crash into the brick wall.

“Whoa, are you okay?” That voice. I hear it in my dreams. All the blood leaves my face probably my body. “Sophia?” I raise my eyes towards his. Oh gosh, wrong brother. Thank God. I feel my blood humming back into my body.

“I’m okay. Sorry. Dr. Duarte, what are you doing here?” I didn’t want to sound rude but that’s the way it comes out.

“I had a meeting at the medical center. Are you okay?” he says as he looks over my shoulder, pointing his gaze to the door I just exited.

“Oh yes, just routine,” I answer him.

“Okay, well nice running into you. See you at our appointment on Thursday,” he says as he waves me good bye. I smile, or I think I do, as I wave back. I walk faster to the car.

Katia turns it on without a word. We continue in silence for a few miles.

“Are you even going to tell him? I mean he has the right to know.”

“Yes, I will. I just need time to come to terms with this.”

“Time, like until you are giving birth?” she says sarcastically.

“No, gosh Katia,” I snap. “I’m on my first freaking trimester. My parents don’t even know, either. I know you don’t understand Katia, but this is my life. Stop trying to tell me what to do. As much as I love you, I need to deal with this in my own way. All my feelings are all over the place. I need to find sense in all of this. And I will tell Matias, soon.”

“It’s just so hard to look at him and talk to him almost every day and know you have a secret that will change his life. It makes me feel weird to lie to him all time.”

“Lie to him? You are not just letting him know certain things. It’s not like he knows you are lying. Besides, you just met him.”

“Look, Sophia just talk about it with Dr. Duarte or someone, but tell him. Before he finds out, and he will.”

“Yeah.” How do you tell someone that you are having their baby when you don’t even know how they take their coffee? I just don’t know even where to start. God, this would have been easier if Will was alive, because I would be pregnant from the love of my life. I can’t even think about all of this.

Once we get home, we each go to our rooms. We both have thinking to do. My phone rings just as I’m putting on my pajama pants.

“Hola, mami, papi.”

“Hola, Sophia. How are you doing, mijita?”

“Hi angel,” my father speaks up. “How’s my favorite daughter doing?”

“Seriously, Dad. I am your only daughter. And I’m fine, mami. When are you coming over to visit me?” I need to make sure when they will be here, to know who much time I have to tell them about the baby.

“Hopefully, in a month.”

“Oh, great. I miss you guys so much.” I can hear my voice breaking. How I can be so stupid? I need to surround myself with family; people who are alive and love me. I can’t do this alone, “Mami, papi can you guys come sooner? I need you guys here.”

“Are you okay, Sophia? You are making me worry,” my mom says.

“I just need your love. I know I haven’t been the best daughter lately, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you or need you.”

“We love you too, angel. We will be there next week.” I love that just like that, they change their plans.

“Thank you. Besos. See you soon.” We continue to say our goodbyes and hang up.

I walk to the kitchen, take out two cupcakes, and I head to my roommate’s room.

“Knock, knock. I brought a peace offering.” She looks up from the book she is reading. Closing it, she moves to makes a space for me on her bed.

“Sorry,” I say handing her a cupcake.

“I know,” she replies as she starts licking the icing.

“I need you to be patient with me. This is hard.”

“Sophia, I have been for the past year and probably to the next. What are friends for?”

“So does that mean I’m still the cup to your cake?”

“Always.” She hugs me as we lay eating our cupcakes.

I know this past year has been tough for me, but I can’t imagine what my family has been through. Never once have I ever thought about how they were feeling. Seeing me alive, but dead. I am lucky to have them still in my life.