Chapter Ten
♥
Gabe watched Alexandra roam through the rooms of Siobhan’s home.
He thought the worst had been hearing her crying all night through a locked door, but now, with tears flowing in a steady stream since she’d entered Siobhan and Edward’s home, he was discovering worse. She’d collected in a cardboard box the bedding from Rowan’s crib and a few other nursery items so her bed at Cincinnati would seem more familiar. She now had a smaller box she was placing all the displayed photos into. “If anyone runs across photo albums or obvious memorabilia, can you bring them to me? The most important items are being carried onto the plane when we leave.”
Karen was filling a large box with the toys Rowan seemed most drawn to.
Jonathon was holding Rowan and discovered the television had a disc loaded. He turned it on, and a silly tune started playing for the intro of a cartoon. He propped her into a large, brightly colored plastic contraption obviously designed for a small child. Rowan perked up. She giggled and clapped as she bounced.
Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing to watch her.
“That”―Alexandra pointed at the contraption―“whatever the fuck it is, goes back to Cincy. And the DVD. Find every single DVD.”
“On it,” Karen answered, adding discs to the box.
“I think it’s called a walker,” Conor supplied. “It is much fancier than the one Aisling used but serves the same purpose.”
Gabe tried not to be too obvious as he followed Alexandra around, but he needed her in sight. He’d been against coming to Siobhan’s home from the start, and once he saw how badly Alexandra was dealing with her emotions, he was even more concerned. He saw her pull a black silk scarf from a coatrack and wrap it around her neck. She held it to her face and inhaled. From her pained expression, he knew it smelled of Siobhan. She closed her eyes for the hundredth time. He believed she was trying to stop fresh tears, but it didn’t work.
Alexandra said suddenly, “We have enough. Let’s get the fuck out of here.”
She grabbed Rowan from the walker. “Jonathon, don’t forget the DVD in the damn player.”
She started toward the door and stopped in her tracks so fast Gabe plowed into her in his hurry to keep up. “What’s wrong?”
She turned and pointed at Rowan. The baby was resting her head on Alexandra’s breast and had the scarf wrapped in her hand, holding it to her face as she sucked her thumb. Alexandra’s face fell. “Should I take the scarf off?”
“No,” Conor said from across the room. “Don’t take it off. She was scent bonded to her mother. Let’s figure out what fragrance Siobhan wore. It might help her bond to you as well.”
ALEXANDRA SWALLOWED AND stroked Rowan’s downy head. The baby looked at her, and she met her gaze without fear. As she looked deeply into Rowan’s eyes, she finally understood how abandoned, terrified, and lonely Rowan felt being passed from person to person but none staying long enough to really bring her comfort. Her life had been changed in an instant and she’d been torn from all she’d known. She needed to feel safe, grounded. “I’ve been an idiot, sweetheart.” She held her tight as she whispered in her ear, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know, but boy, oh boy, do I ever understand now. I’ll not abandon you again.”
The baby seemed to snuggle closer.
She whispered, “I do love you. I know right now it’s confusing, and it seems like maybe I don’t care, but I swear I do. I’ll do a better job if you let me. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”
Conor brought three perfume bottles from the bedroom. “Is it any of these?”
Karen, Gabe, and Conor took turns sniffing the scarf and comparing the aged scent on the scarf to the freshly sprayed scent. They each singled out the same fragrance.
Karen said, “This has to be the one,” and started to slide it in her purse.
“No,” Alexandra said. “I’ll take it.”
Karen handed it to her, and Alexandra read the label. “Black Orchid. I remember when she discovered this at the mall.”
She lifted it to her nose and inhaled. So many memories of her dear friend flooded her mind at once, and she folded into herself, molding around Rowan as silent sobs racked her body.
Gabe walked her out and started toward the SUV, but she veered toward the one with a car seat installed. “This one.”
Alexandra settled Rowan into the car seat, needing assistance from Gabe to figure out the safety harness, and climbed in. Gabe followed her in. “Are you sure the cemetery won’t be too much? I’ll bring you back, anytime you like. Any other day.”
“You know how many have died. The memorial we had at AODH for Diane, Alicia, and Rodger was to honor their sacrifice, and I held myself in check because I am a professional. I’m here to tell all of my friends good-bye, Gabe. Let me do what I have to do.”
The cemetery wasn’t far. In all honesty they could have walked to the small churchyard. Alexandra asked the agent to find the Adrian Kennedy radio show for her, and when they did, he was just announcing her as a prerecorded guest. “Before I play the bit recorded, I’d like to share a few thoughts I scribbled as we talked. I consider all the articles I read on this woman to prepare me for this interview, and I wonder how every single journalist got it so tragically wrong.”
There was a moment’s pause before he said, “I sat across from Dr. Alexandra Van Zant, the science advisor to the president of the United States, and I realized immediately that I was sitting next to the strongest, most resilient, and most determined woman I have ever met, and also the most emotionally fragile.”
“Jesus!” Gabe cursed. “That’s what we need. Draw attention to how fucking breakable you are.”
“Shh!” Alexandra said.
“She is at once charismatic and painfully awkward. She is immediately approachable and likable, and there is no doubt in my mind why all of America is in love with their newest national hero.”
“Too much,” Alexandra said. “Turn it off.”
The vehicle parked at the cemetery, and Gabe helped her get Rowan unbuckled before coming around the car for them both. He supported her elbow as she held Rowan and walked toward the grave site.
KAREN OFFERED TO take the baby, but Alexandra adamantly refused, even though she could barely stand herself. Gabe shook his head, meeting Karen’s gaze so she’d stop offering, because it seemed to be making Alexandra more desperate. He saw both Conor’s and Jonathon’s gazes and assumed the worry or fear lining their faces was reflected in his own. Why had he ever thought bringing Alexandra to Ireland now was a good idea? It was too soon, the pain too fresh.
When she stumbled, Conor caught her other elbow, and the four made their way slowly to the grave. Her face crumpled when she saw the tombstone. “It seems so small and insignificant.”
“We will buy a nicer tombstone,” Gabe promised her.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
Conor leaned nearer and whispered, “Let yourself feel the grief and then let it go.”
“How?” She shook her head. “I feel so disconnected, like I’m watching myself go through motions with no meaning.”
“I think it’s like the grounding you learned at therapy. Push your pain into the earth, and let your tears water the grass. Don’t leave here until you can breathe easy.”
Alexandra lowered herself onto Siobhan’s grave.
She held Rowan on her lap and whispered, making promises to both Siobhan and Rowan that no one else heard until Gabe squatted beside her, hearing her promise to protect Rowan and love her. “She’ll lack for nothing and know only happiness from here on. She’ll have a charmed life.”
Gabe used his phone to take pictures of the gravestones, the churchyard, the church, and its name marker. He took photos of Alexandra with Rowan in her lap when she wasn’t looking. He also photographed Conor and Jonathon, catching the pain etched in their faces as well.
He closed his eyes, understanding then, as Alexandra was mourning her loss, the two men were mourning the loss of the relationship he hadn’t allowed them the freedom to have.
My jealousy is pushing her away from all of us. I’m such an idiot.
He handed the phone to Conor and instructed him to take a few photos of the three of them once he knelt beside Alexandra and Rowan.
He knew it was all Conor could do to keep his own emotions in check, and he hated that he was causing his friend pain.
Gabe stood and told her, “We need to go,” but she didn’t make a single movement toward standing.
He took his phone back from Conor and hugged him close. “Thank you. We’ll get out of here. There are too many ghosts.”
“You feel them too?” Conor asked, meeting Gabe’s gaze.
“Aye, they’re here. Whose idea was it we visit a graveyard on Samhain?”
Conor tilted his head and smirked. “Really?”
“I know. I agreed to bring her. I’m an idiot.” Gabe rubbed his brow, watching her cling to the stone. “This isn’t right. Would she kill me if I called Dr. Claassen here?”
“I don’t think she needs a doctor. I think she needs you to understand she’s been holding in her grief for two months. I’d be more worried if she wasn’t setting her grief free. What you’re seeing is normal.”
“That’s normal?” Gabe nodded toward her, still holding Rowan in her arms. She knelt against the tombstone, her head resting on its rounded edges. She’d laid three quartz crystals on its top.
“Perfectly. You should see the mess I become when I visit Aisling and our son’s grave. Losing someone close to your heart―there’s no pain like that.”
“But Siobhan was just a friend. Should she be this overwhelmed?”
“Siobhan was a bit more than a friend, mate.” Conor gave him a short hug and pat on the back. “She entrusted her only child to Alexandra.”
Gabe and Conor watched as Jonathon knelt beside her and pressed his forehead to hers. He whispered to her, and a moment later he was taking Rowan in one arm and extending his hand to help her stand. Gabe was surprised when she took it and folded against Jonathon.
Karen took Rowan so Jonathon could wrap Alexandra in both arms. He stroked her hair and whispered against her face. She nodded, and he led her toward the SUV.
“Am I the only one who is completely confused that the division between us is because of Jonathon, but he is the only one she allows to touch her?” Gabe asked.
Conor snorted. “If you honestly believed she was ever mad at Jonathon, you’ve lost your fucking mind.”
♥ ♥ ♥
The Gowan estate was a three-hour drive from Dublin, near the quaint seaside town of Killarney. Alexandra sat on Jonathon’s knee and cried herself to sleep against his chest and remained cuddled against him for most of the drive. As they neared the coast, Alexandra rolled down her window, inhaling the clean, crisp breeze coming off the ocean. “I’ve missed this place.”
“Once the wind gets in your hair and the sea salt gets into your blood, it is hard to stay away.” Gabe met her gaze. “By chance, can we avoid the jail this visit?”
“I’ll consider the suggestion, but no promises. I have a lot of anger and pain that needs to come out. God only knows what will happen when I snap.”
“Don’t snap.”
“My sanity or lack thereof won’t bend to your will any more than it will mine.” She snorted. As if. Rowan slept between them in her car seat, and Alexandra pressed a kiss to her brow. “Besides, I do have one reason to avoid a night in jail this time around.”
The driver pulled the SUV onto the acres’ long driveway that would eventually lead to the estate. Alexandra looked through the window, feeling anxious. The land was lush, all rolling hills and trees, and bordered by a narrow river. When the land started to clear and she saw horses, she knew they were getting near. She met Gabe’s gaze and smiled.
“Excited?” he asked, reaching for her hand.
She nodded. “I enjoyed every minute I was here before. I think it was the first time I ever experienced a feeling of”―she searched her mind for a word and ended up shaking her head before saying―“peacefulness, but more than that, you know?”
“I know very well what you’re saying.” He pointed. “There she is.”
The vehicle came to a stop, and Alexandra glanced at Rowan, noting the baby was still asleep before she hurried from the backseat, not waiting for her door to be opened. “Mamó!”
“Fáilte! Alastriona MacCionaodha.”
Alexandra walked into the old woman’s open arms. She was much more weathered by heavy wrinkles on her face and hands, and her back was more rounded, but her eyes were bright, and her smile just as welcoming as Alexandra remembered. After hugging her, she stepped back. Mamó caught her hand and looked at the ring crowning her finger. “As lovely as the day my son gave it to Gabe’s mother.”
Alexandra fought back tears as the woman squeezed her hand. She didn’t have the heart to tell her she was rethinking all her decisions.
“It’s perfectly suited to this hand, just as my boy Padhraic is suited to you.” Gabe’s grandmother released her hand to embrace Gabe.
“Mamó, you are more beautiful every time I see you.”
“And you’re a full crock o’ shit every time you tell me that,” she scolded, but she was smiling and obviously thrilled to see them.
Suddenly two large steel-gray dogs bounded into their midst. The dogs were followed by a man who looked ancient. He limped and carried a walking stick.
“Oh fuck!” Alexandra lifted her hands as if she were being held up and stood statue still. “I forgot you keep wolfhounds.”
The first dog jumped onto Gabe, paws on shoulders and head towering above Gabe. “Cuan! How are you doing, old man?”
The dog barked and dropped back to the ground.
“No, Koo-in,” Alexandra pronounced the name as Gabe had said it. “No jump!”
The dog immediately sat and looked at her. The second dog, less excited but no less curious about her, sniffed a circle completely around her before sitting.
She dared to breathe just as Conor came up beside her. He squatted between the pair and patted heads. “Who are these sweet souls?”
“Cuan and Phelan,” Gabe answered. “You’re quite safe, sweetheart. They’re both old and almost toothless.”
“I see enough teeth to tear my hand off,” she argued.
Conor stood and looked at her, saying, “My God, you’re terrified!”
Alexandra shrugged, but Gabe supplied, “For as long as I’ve known her, but the poor lass draws them like a moth to a flame.”
“Try petting their heads,” Conor suggested.
She shook her head in short, tense jerks, but he took her hand and led it to Cuan’s muzzle. “Let him sniff your hand.”
She closed her eyes tightly, feeling the dog’s breath on her fingertips, before Conor led her hand to the top of Cuan’s head. He guided her fingers through the old dog’s stringy, coarse coat. She cracked open her eyes to be watchful enough to know before he bit off a finger.
“See? He’s fine. You’re fine. Just relax and breathe.” Conor allowed her to pull her hand away, and then he tousled the dog’s hair roughly—“You’re such a good boy, Cuan”—before turning to Phelan and greeting him as gregariously.
Gabe introduced the old man, “This is Faolon, and I believe he’s been the groundskeeper since the manor’s foundation was laid out.”
“Not quite so long. My father, tho’, aye.”
“Fwrail-awn!” Alexandra hugged him, having met him as a teen. “You I like; your hounds not so much.”
The old man teetered. “You always brighten the place, Miss. You should visit more often. Maybe with enough time you’d warm up to Cuan and Phelan.”
She patted his back and laughed. “Probably not.”
Alexandra returned to the SUV to retrieve Rowan, who showed no interest in waking. She curled up against Alexandra’s shoulder and wrapped her fist in the scarf before pulling both scarf and thumb to her mouth. Alexandra tried to pull the fabric from her mouth, but Rowan fussed and turned her head inward, squeezing her eyes more tightly closed and sucking her thumb furiously.
Alexandra made a wide circle around the dogs to introduce Mamó to her daughter. “This is Rowan, but she appears not quite ready to make your acquaintance.”
“Let the lamb sleep. I’ll be joining her in a nap after supper. I hope you’re hungry. We’ve prepared a feast.”
“Mamó,” Gabe chided. “I told you no special effort.”
“He arrives with an army and tells me ‘no special effort,’ pfft.” She winked at Alexandra. She pointed at the rest of the gang approaching. “Introduce me.”
“My business partners, Conor Larkin, who appears to be applying to be master of the hounds, and Jonathon O’Donnell. Alexandra’s personal assistant, Karen Morehouse. The other four all answer to ‘Agent.’ It makes it easier, as often as they rotate the guard, trust me.”
“Call me Mamó. I’m so old I forget ever being called anything else. The three women hiding behind me are Mrs. Campbell, the housekeeper, and her granddaughters, Emma and Jane, who take care of the upper levels now that Mrs. Campbell doesn’t manage the stairs as well.
“Well, come in, get settled. Your rooms are upstairs. I’m too old to climb the blasted things, so I’ll leave you to figure it out as you go.” Mamó started toward the house, explaining, “Phelan and Cuan come and go as they please, though they’re mostly underfoot these days and prefer the warmth of inside to out.”
Alexandra took a deep breath. The dogs are going to be inside and underfoot. Great. At least she still had all ten digits, so she counted herself lucky as she and Rowan followed the old woman into the house. Gabe opened the solid oak door and held it for the rest, who followed behind, carrying the first load of luggage.
“You never said anything about a fucking castle,” Jonathon said as he passed Gabe. “Jesus, man.”
Alexandra kept walking. Karen caught up to her, eyes wide, mouthing, Oh my God! This place.
“Wait until you see the bedrooms, if you think the manor house is spectacular on the outside.” Alexandra led them through the great room.
“I could seriously stand inside that fireplace,” Karen whispered as they passed the monstrosity. The two wolfhounds had already planted themselves in front of the low, crackling fire. “I really did not believe people lived like this anymore.”
Alexandra led the way up the wide staircase. “It’s drafty and chill year-round. I’ll take new construction and central air.”
“I packed sweaters just like you advised. I can layer up.”
At the top of the stairs the hall went left and right. Alexandra went to the right.
“That ceiling!” Karen said, pointing. “Jesus.”
Alexandra was amused, and yes, the hallway was spectacular with high, arched ceilings that were intricately detailed with curved beams. She opened the second door on the left and led Karen in. “Acceptable?”
“That’s a canopy bed,” Karen stated the obvious.
“Yep, down pillow top, Egyptian cotton sheets.”
“I’m never leaving,” she announced as she sat on the bed, sinking into the thick mattress topper.
“Closest bathroom is two doors down on the right. It’s shared by this half of the hallway.”
“Where will you be?”
“At the far end of the hallway in the opposite direction we turned off the stairs. It’s the official master suite, and I believe it’s been Gabe’s since he was a child. As far as I know, his grandmother has always kept the bedroom off the kitchen, which is generally used for staff, but she has always said she prefers it, and trust me, it’s no hovel hole either.
“All four agents will have rooms on this half of the hall. Jonathon and Conor will be the same direction as Gabe and me.” Alexandra shrugged. “God, why did I come here?”
Karen offered no comment. “Are we setting up the Pack ’n Play here?”
Alexandra stroked the sleeping baby’s head. “No, I’m keeping Rowan with me. Conor said we’re bonding. I don’t know what to call it, but as long as she’s not screaming, I’m good.”