Chapter Fifteen
♥
After Gabe exited the room, Alexandra was suddenly crying and turning into his arms. A sob escaped her throat. “I wanted Gabe to fuck him, not rape him. Where did that come from? Are we really these people?”
“It wasn’t rape, love; it was dominance. They both agreed to obey you with their actions,” he reminded her.
She shook her head. “No, it got out of control. It turned into something…not pretty.”
“This lifestyle isn’t always pretty.”
“It can be though, right?”
“Bondage, dominance, submission, sadism, masochism—whatever gave you the idea any of it could be pretty?”
“I’m not a sadist. I didn’t think Gabe was either.”
“What you just witnessed wasn’t sadistic. It was an established Dom with his sub. Gabe knows Jonathon inside out. He knows what makes him tick. He knows how to best reward him and, when necessary, how best to punish him. You had no idea what you were doing tonight, but you waded in, took control, and saw it through. You didn’t choke, even when it went slightly sideways from what you’d intended.” He tipped her chin, making her meet his gaze. “You were amazing tonight.”
“I don’t feel amazing.”
“You could, if you’d let yourself. The high of dominance can rarely be equaled. Gabe’s right. You do own us all now.”
“Not Jonathon,” she said softly, and a tear slid down her cheek.
“Especially Jonathon,” he whispered, wiping away her tear. “He requires a firm hand, and you were justified in correcting his bad behavior. He’s been a damn bitch.”
She kept shaking her head.
He winked. “Trust me. I know you have a brilliant mind, but I know stuff.”
“Stuff?” she repeated. “Like why Gabe needed to go check on him just now?”
“Yes. It was also important for Gabe to know I would be here to care for you.” He kissed her tears away. “If you want, I have a few books on dominance and submission that will help you understand the dynamic of what happened tonight. It’s insane you’ve never been exposed to dominance and submission, because what you did tonight―topping both Gabe and Jonathon―came so naturally.”
“I’d like to read the books. I want to know what Gabe and Jonathon are doing right now. Will that be covered?”
“Aftercare is the topic of an entire book. Honestly, a better way to learn to be a good Dominant is to first learn how to be a good submissive. If you would allow Gabe―”
“Stop!” She pressed two fingers to his lips and then whispered, “I do not want to hear a sales pitch for Gabe’s dominant skills.”
She looked away from him, irritated. “So you really don’t know what they are doing, or you don’t want to hurt my feelings?”
“I don’t want to speculate.”
Alexandra narrowed her gaze.
“Look, if I was Jonathon’s Dom, and I discovered he’d been disrespectful to my primary, I know what I would be doing at this moment. Gabe and I are two different people.”
“Explain.”
“I don’t want you to fear becoming my submissive someday because of unwarranted assumptions on my part tonight.” He stood and held out his hand to pull her up, and when she struggled to stand, he lifted her in his arms. Her head fell against his chest, and she closed her eyes, knowing she’d pushed herself too far mentally, physically, and emotionally. The bedding was turned back, so he nestled her in. A glass of water was on the nightstand, and she reached for it, almost knocking it over. He helped her drink it, holding the glass because she was shaking so hard. “Read the books I’m going to give you. You will understand more after you do.”
“I need my pills. I didn’t eat today. My body hates me.”
“Where are they?”
“In my purse.”
He left her side and quickly returned with her bag. She pointed out the bottles she needed, and he dumped them into his palm. Alexandra opened her mouth, and he started to put one on her tongue, but she shook her head. “All of them at once.”
He put his palm up to her mouth and popped them all onto her tongue as she’d asked. He held the glass of water as she took enough into her mouth to swallow them. She lay back on the pillows and waited for him to climb in beside her.
Realizing he’d pulled on his briefs, she frowned. “Are you not coming to bed?”
He set the water glass back on the side table and sat on the edge of the bed.
“Don’t look so devastated. I want to hold you while you sleep. You’re exhausted.” He leaned forward and kissed her gently.
She laid her head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. She saw the bloodred room in her mind and tried to imagine Gabe leading her in there.
Nope. Can’t do it.
Her brain shifted mid-thought
I don’t want you to fear becoming my submissive someday.
She imagined Conor taking her hand and leading her into the room. Show me your darkness, Xandra; introduce me to the little beastie that lives inside you.
“God,” she whispered, imagining it all too clearly.
He whispered in her ear, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
She shook her head, refusing to admit the truth to him. It was pointless anyway. She could never be submissive to Conor unless she was first submissive to Gabe. She exhaled, knowing she definitely never wanted her friendship and love for Gabe distorted by dominance of any sort.
“You’ve kept from sharing yourself with me for weeks, and I can tell I’ve upset you. Are you mad because I still want you to allow me to introduce D/s into our relationship?”
She opened her eyes, and tears leaked out the sides. “No, I’m not mad you. I’m surprised that I want to explore something with you that I refuse to share with Gabe.”
He smiled at her admission.
“Conor?”
“Conchobhar O’Lorcain,” he said. “It’s my name in Gaelic.”
She repeated it, and he laughed at her pronunciation and said, “We might need to work on that.”
She tried again, “Táim i ngrá leat, Conchobhar O’Lorcain.”
“Better.” He kissed her gently before pulling away. “I’m going down to the kitchen to get you something to eat. I’ll be right back.”
♥ ♥ ♥
Gabe returned to find her alone. His gaze narrowed as he scanned the room. He asked angrily, “Where is Conor? I left you in his care.”
The door opened behind him, and Conor came in with a bed tray and answered defensively, “She’s eaten almost nothing today,” As he settled the tray over her lap.
Scones and jam were what she reached for, but there were also pieces of fruit, cheese, and two sliced hard-boiled eggs. Using the scone’s bitten edge, she pointed from one of them to the other. “This attitude stops tonight. You both have to accept that I love you both, and the two of you love me, so neither of you would harm me.”
They met each other’s gazes and nodded. They went to opposite sides of the bed and climbed in beside her. She ate in silence. Really? That easy? She looked at Gabe. “Is Jonathon okay?”
“He will be,” he answered cryptically.
She frowned. “What does that mean?”
“He will need you to reinforce what happened in this room tonight. You topped him hard. You got into his head and made him admit to truths he may or may not have been ready to face, so you will have a responsibility for some of his aftercare to assure him you care about him mentally, physically, and emotionally.”
She shrugged. “I have no idea what you want me to do.”
He opened and closed his mouth without saying anything. Alexandra demanded, “Say what you were going to say.”
Gabe exhaled as he poured her a cup of tea from a dainty pot into a dainty cup and admitted, “I may not have shown much wisdom tonight, allowing you to top Jonathon without understanding the first thing about a D/s relationship.”
Alexandra dropped her scone onto the plate and crossed her arms.
“What?” Gabe asked.
She shook her head. “You just can’t fucking stop letting all of us know you control every single move that happens between us. You allowed me to top Jonathon. You allowed Conor to make love to me while you watched. Next time fucking allow me to disappear when I dive in.”
Gabe tilted his head, the look on his face bewildered. “Xandra.”
“Don’t fucking Xandra me when you know tonight was just another machination.”
“I swear it wasn’t.”
She closed her eyes to him.
Conor whispered, “Drink some tea, mo chroí,” just before she felt the edge of the cup touch her bottom lip.
She sipped, making a face over the heavily creamed and sugared tea. “You both know I prefer dark-roast coffee, right?”
“Not at night,” they both said. Gabe added, “Tea will settle your nerves.”
She snorted and took the cup from Conor.
She didn’t bother trying to hide her trembling hand as she drained the cup. Nerves? Hunger? Exhaustion? She was pretty sure she suffered all three, as the mania of several weeks felt like it was crashing around her. Gabe took the cup from her hand and set it on the tray before
Conor lifted the tray away. “Sleep, please. We all need sleep.”
Gabe tucked the blanket around her and pressed his lips to hers. “Conor’s right; we all need sleep.”
“I’m mad at you. We are going to have a fight.”
“I know,” Gabe replied.
She ran her hand through his hair. “You showered.”
“I showered, yes.”
“I need a shower,” she mumbled, already falling back to sleep.
“Morning is soon enough.” Gabe whispered against her face, “I love you.”
“Don’t discount how pissed I am just because I want you to stay with me,” she whispered. “Both of you.”
Gabe pulled her against his chest, and Conor covered them both before sliding in beside her. He ran his arm down her arm. “We’re both here. Rest easy, love.”
“The past few weeks I haven’t slept. I hate being alone. I’m too afraid.”
Gabe kissed her forehead. “You’ll never sleep alone again.”
♥ ♥ ♥
She awoke to a breakfast plate by the bed. Fruit, toast and jam, along with a carafe of dark, rich coffee. She rolled over and realized she was alone in the bed. She poured coffee and drank, remembering Gabe had risen hours before, taking the quiet morning hours to be alone with Mamó. She remembered his kiss before he left the bed, remembered trying to pull him back against her. “Sleep, mo ghrá. Conor will stay with you. It’s a rainy, dreary morning. I’ll bring you a plate in a few hours.”
She’d gone back to sleep, knowing Conor was still snuggled behind her, but when she woke the second time, he’d left her too. So much for not sleeping alone.
She looked at her watch and saw that it was four in the afternoon. “Fuck.”