Chapter Five
♥
Alexandra shook as she dressed for Mass: lacy bra and panties, garter, stockings, and a dark gray dress that was slightly fancier than she’d planned to wear, but it went well with the suede stilettos she wore when she needed to be comfortable. She shook her head, trying to erase the image of the pain-and-torture room from her mind. She hadn’t thought it could get worse than discovering Gabe and Jonathon were lovers, that Jonathon was in love with Gabe, and now this—
How many more secrets are there?
She imagined many and also imagined they’d all be equally shocking. Conor tried to warn me. He was preparing me for this.
She’d not wanted to hear about Gabe’s love, not then.
“He loves you more than air. He’s always loved you.”
“I did try to warn you he had a few secrets.”
Gabe came into the bedroom and started pulling on clothes.
“You don’t need to go. I’ll have an entire security force, just like last Sunday.”
“Meaning, you don’t want me to go?” he asked, buttoning a stiff white shirt.
Not answering, she chose simple white-gold earrings and a very fine white-gold necklace with a pearl-gray labradorite pendant. She closed her eyes, not knowing what she’d meant. Jealousy over all his past lovers warred with her reasoning that he wouldn’t be as skilled a lover as he was had he not had those lovers. “You should have told me.”
“Told you what exactly?”
She opened her eyes and looked at him. “You have a-a…room for…whatever it is you do in there.”
“It’s a BDSM playroom.”
“You said you aren’t a sadist. In Montana, I remember.”
“I also admitted I was a bit of a Dominant.”
She shook her head, remembering she’d asked clearly. “Again with the hide tanning and screwing; since when did you turn sadist?”
And he’d replied, “A sadist, no. A Dominant, though? Perhaps a little.”
“You should have explained it…better. I’m thinking a lot more detail was required!”
“When?” he asked, frustration evident in his voice. “The night I proposed? Or maybe during the company fund-raiser when we all averaged three hours’ sleep, and you were dodging assassins? Or perhaps I should have brought the subject up while we were hiding at AODH and finding our way as a newly formed ménage à quatre? Or when you were delirious with fever from the bioterrorism attack?”
She turned away. “Stop, all right? I get it!”
“No, please tell me when I was supposed to take you aside and explain to you that as adults we’ve had very little time together, and during those years I’ve become who I am. The man I am now only learned to control my anger issues and sexual demons in the deviant lifestyle I’ve created for myself.”
Ten years of Gabe becoming a man she didn’t have a clue about. Alexandra exhaled, knowing he was right. In his shoes, she knew she wouldn’t have been able to find the right time either. She said wistfully, “I loved the man I knew.”
“I’m still the same man.”
“No, you’re not.” Alexandra exhaled heavily as she turned to face him. She met his gaze and tied his tie. “Nor am I the child-girl you once loved. Maybe we rushed into something we shouldn’t have. Maybe we need to step back and take a breath, and really consider what we’re doing.”
“No love, I didn’t rush into anything. You are the love of my life.”
A tear slid down her cheek but she didn’t wipe it away. “Is there anything else I need to know about? Anything else I might experience as horrible shock in my future? Dead bodies buried in your backyard? A long line of deviant ex-sex partners who might show up, wanting to be tied up and spanked? Bastard children?”
He slid his hands down her arms. “A decade is a lot of blank to fill. I’ve buried no dead bodies in the basement or on my land, but I’ve had many deadly encounters. I’ve enjoyed dozens of sexual encounters, none of which resulted in children. Do you want a detailed list of each, or would you prefer to cross each bridge as we come to it?”
Deadly encounters? She shivered. “Were you responsible for the deaths of Jonathon’s cousins in the weeks following their assault on him?”
Gabe lifted her hands to his lips and pressed a kiss to the top of each as he held her gaze intently. “Do you really want to know the answer to that question, or is it enough to tell you I protect what is mine?”
“I just want to know who the hell I’m marrying, and now I’m questioning my sanity for ever allowing all of us to be fluid bonded.”
“I’m still the same guy you fell in love with as we stared at stars on your parents’ roof more than two decades ago; I just come with history now.”
“And how many STDs?” she asked angrily.
“If you honestly believe I’d put you at risk by not revealing such an important bit of information―”
“I know you wouldn’t.” Alexandra pressed her fingers to his lips. “Damn it Gabe! This is serious! Do you understand how fucking insecure you’re making me? How can you possibly be happy in bed with me? Are you going to choose someone else for your bed when the novelty of me wears thin?”
She started to walk away, but he caught her hand and pulled her into him. “I’ve never been as happy and satisfied sexually as I am with you. Surely you know that.”
When she tried to keep her mouth from his, he wrapped her in his arms and pressed his face to her cheek, kissing her anyway. He kissed his way across her cheekbone and down her jaw. “Do you know how very much I cherish the second chance we now have to be together? Do you really believe I’d ever risk losing you a second time? I am yours, now and forever.”
When she relaxed, he claimed her mouth and kissed her deeply.
She dropped her head back, hating that her body rebelled against her, making her want him when she’d rather stay mad. Still looking at the ceiling, she asked, “We gave the architect separate wish lists. In yours did you include a playroom?”
She lifted her head and met his gaze, seeing his mouth twitch. She shook her head and snorted angrily. “You did, didn’t you?”
He admitted, “I asked for all the rooms on the third floor to be soundproofed. That’s all the adult bedrooms and a few communal rooms that are yet undesignated. I had no intention of creating a play space for us without discussing it with you. Is this going to become a problem between us?”
“I keep stumbling into your past, your secrets, and that part is making me crazy because I’ve missed so much of you becoming you. And maybe I’m jealous of all the men and women who were there for you when I wasn’t. And FYI―first Mass just started.”
Gabe hugged her tighter. “We’ll go to the nine a.m. Mass.”
She rubbed her forehead. “I need to tell Karen the change of plan.”
“She was entering through the front door with Rowan as I came up the stairs. I’m fairly certain she’s figured it out. This apartment is not soundproof.”
“Great.” She wrapped herself in her arms. “So everyone in the building now knows our business?”
“Maybe. Tell me that we are gonna get through this. Is there more than the bloodred playroom bothering you?”
Alexandra pulled from his embrace and sat in a chair, slouching forward and framing her face with her hands. Gabe knelt before her and met her gaze. “Talk to me.”
“I want to hit pause and talk again after I’ve had a chance to let the shock wear off. For now I can only give you assurances of what I wanted before I saw the red room. I wanted to be in our dream house as a family. I wanted Mass, and the meeting with the president to be over already.”
“I understand.”
“Right now, I want to eat. I’m starving. We have time now, right? Feed me?”
Gabe winked. “That I can do.”
♥ ♥ ♥
Mass was uneventful. Alexandra was surprised she didn’t see any of her family there, and worried since nine a.m. was their normal Mass, barring illness or death, so it was a relief when she returned to Cronies and discovered her mother, father, brothers, and sisters-in-law—Simon; Samuel with his wife, Joan; Phillip with his wife, Beth; and Paul with his wife, Maggie—lined up at the bar with either coffee or beer already in front of them. She was surprised to also see Brian with his husband, Hawk, since they’d failed to attend the family reunion. Jake was notably absent.
She kissed her mom’s cheek as Ellen snatched Rowan away. “Alex?”
“He’s in the back room, dear. He was hoping for a word with you in private.”
Alexandra nodded and went back.
He was sitting at the table, a cup of coffee in hand. He stood when he saw her, and she embraced him. “I’m glad you came.”
“Only to say good-bye. My flight leaves for California in a few hours.”
She released him. “It was good seeing you. Try not to be such a stranger.”
He chuckled. “That’s why I’m here.”
She tilted her head, confused.
“Mom said you were hidden away for the last six years, and now suddenly you’re out and about, a fucking social butterfly. How did you do it? How did you escape the―” He shook his head, words escaping him.
“How did I escape the pull inward?”
He pondered on it a minute. “Yes, I suppose that describes it. Why am I always running from the people who love me?”
Alexandra couldn’t tell him it was a combination of events―discovering her husband’s pregnant mistress, the betrayal and suicide of a close friend, and a doomsday disease―that forced her to step out of her comfort zone. “I haven’t tried to puzzle it out; that might just push me into the madness I walk so closely with.”
He bobbed his head, seeming to understand exactly what she was talking about.
“Three men adore you. I saw how they all look at you, and you are obviously able to love them, accept affection from them?”
She nodded, saying, “I am.”
“Is it just middle age; you hit your sexual peak?”
Alexandra frowned.
“That didn’t sound the way I meant it to sound. I’m not being judgmental, I swear. I’m just trying to figure my life out.” Alex pulled a chair out for her and requested, “Sit with me?”
Once they were sitting facing one another, each with a cup of coffee, he admitted, “Part of what I told you yesterday was pure bullshit. I’m not okay or understanding of why my wife has filed for a divorce now? Kate’s changed. I saw her for only a moment. She has tattoos and piercings. She’s drinking too much, smoking too much pot, and running with bikers. I’m terrified I’m too late, and she’s already intimately involved with one of those losers.”
“Do you love her?”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling “Yes” with breathy frustration. “I love her. I counted on her love, thinking she understood me, thinking she would always put up with my eccentricities because of that love. I believed she would always be there, no matter what.”
“If she’s slept with every biker in California, will you still want her back, or is that betrayal going to be the line in the sand?”
He shrugged, shaking his head. “I honestly don’t know. I guess I’m hoping that isn’t the case. So, what do I do to win Kate back?”
“First, you face the fact Kate may be lost to you. I lost TJ for the exact same reason. I neglected our relationship. I fucking hid at AODH for most of the six years following Brian’s funeral.” Alexandra cupped his face, feeling Alex’s agony as if it were her own when his stoic expression faltered, revealing his pain. She met his gaze. “Mine and TJ’s issues were irreconcilable. Your story is not the same as our story. Kate did outlast TJ by more than a dozen years. That means she still loves you.”
He nodded, a flicker of hope filling his eyes that tore at her heart.
“Meet Kate where she is now, because she isn’t the woman you married eighteen years ago. There might be aspects of who she was still tucked in there, but she was a woman forced to move on and grow without you. While you were hiding, she was living her life. She was experiencing life fully.” The truth of her words smacked her square in the face. Could she not say the same about Gabe? Could she meet him where he is now?”
“Sounds terrifying.”
“Alex―word of advice?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t try to rediscover her; don’t try to keep her unless you are fully ready to start living. Be ready to come out and really play this game of life full throttle.” She stroked his face. “You have to accept her, no matter what you discover about her and what she has been doing for the past sixteen years, no matter how much anger or jealousy comes to the surface. You’ve got to tie that beast down. Rein the anger in. Love her unconditionally, and if she returns to you, create a new relationship from there together. But even if you find out she won’t come back, even if you discover you are too late, you do not crawl back inward. Do you understand? You keep living and experiencing.”
“Even the terrifying parts?”
Alexandra laughed, thinking about Gabe, and pulled him in tight. “Especially the terrifying parts.”
When she released him from the hug, he turned to go out the back door. He paused and looked over his shoulder. “So, family reunion next year?”
She smiled and nodded. “You bet. I love you.”
He turned back and squeezed her hard. “I. Love. You.” Releasing her, he didn’t meet her gaze and ran out the back.
Alexandra closed her eyes and wrapped herself in her arms, her shoulders shaking. She felt a hand on her shoulder and turned into Gabe’s embrace to set free the sobs she’d been holding in since seeing Alex at the reunion. He held her tight, and she was glad he didn’t feel it was necessary to tell her the lies anyone else would try to sell her to make her feel better. She knew Alex’s chances, and she knew the likelihood she’d ever see him again.
When she was finally able to take a deep breath without more tears, she met his gaze. He wiped her cheeks dry and then kissed her gently. “Ready for family and food?”
She exhaled. Not a chance in hell. “Sure. Invite them in.”
He winked. “That’s my brave girl.”
♥ ♥ ♥
“You are officially with the three of them? You took them all to the reunion?” Brian demanded as he cornered her behind the bar. “Don’t bother to deny it. I already saw enough pictures and videos taken on smartphones last night.”
“Iona, pour me a Connemara Irish red?” Alexandra said as she poured a shot of whiskey and then threw it back. She poured a second. Why did you come here, Brian?
“Sure, love.”
Alexandra faced Brian. “You’re still pissed I’m in a committed relationship with three men?”
“Last I heard, it was just a sex tape, a manic fling!”
She mouthed, A manic fling, trying to absorb the deeper meaning. She threw back the second shot and considered pouring a third but didn’t. “So, it’s okay if I lost my mind because of a mental illness, resulting in a sex tape, but being of sound mind and choosing to make it a committed relationship is wrong? Fuck that, Brian.”
“You shouldn’t have brought them to the reunion. There were children there.”
“My ménage à quatre is a well-documented fact. If you ever opened a newspaper or watched the nightly news on occasion, you would know that. I honestly don’t know why you’re surprised. Surely you’ve been online. Alexandra Van Zant has been trending for almost a month now, and I don’t see that ending anytime soon. And news flash, we weren’t having sex at the reunion; we were playing field games and having a great time. Sorry you were too busy to be there.”
“Our flight was delayed by weather, not that I have to explain myself to you. How can you be so fucking proud of your deviant lifestyle?”
“Wow. Just wow.” She turned her back to him to take the cold pint from Iona, then bent forward and kissed her cheek. “Hope you have a great tip day, beautiful.”
“What does that mean?” Brian demanded.
She faced him. “Really? Are you mad because it wasn’t that long ago you were so ashamed of your fucking deviant lifestyle that no one could know?”
“At least I had the decency to be ashamed.”
“See, that’s where we’re different. You care what other people think about you, and I stopped giving a fuck a long damn time ago.” She pushed past him and entered the private dining room, taking the seat at the end of the table. Her mother sat at the other end, and her men were scattered around the table, talking to her siblings and leaving her feeling anchorless. Suddenly, Simon was there, rubbing her back before sitting in the empty chair to her right. She met his gaze and hoped he could see the gratitude in hers.
He winked. “Your men put out a mean brunch. This is amazing. And you, look at you, all confident and shit at the head of the table. I’m glad you’ve found yourself.”
Alexandra chuckled, knowing he’d made the comments loud enough for Brian to hear as he took the seat next to his husband. Simon had never been one for subtleties.
She whispered, “Thank you.”
Paul jumped into their conversation. “I am totally blown away by what they’ve managed to build at Cronies. It’s a bit of the island smack-dab in the heart of the US.”
Alexandra smiled, feeling so much pride for what Gabe had created. “It’s true. People drive for miles to come here, and Sunday is our biggest day, between the brunch, the live music, and all-day soccer on the big screens.”
Simon lowered his voice to ask, “How on earth did you sway Mom into accepting three men?”
Alexandra took a deep breath and looked at their mother, who was managing to hold a conversation, juggle feeding herself between offering Rowan bites, and bounce the little one on her knee. Talk about multitasking. The baby’s mouth would open, and if the fork went to Ellen’s mouth instead of hers, she’d make distressed sounds like a wee bird in a nest to ensure the next bite was hers. “I really have no idea.”
Simon reached to squeeze her hand. “Well, one thing is for certain. You look amazing. You’re glowing. Whether your health has improved or it’s the high of new love, you look better than any time I can ever remember. We all worried. You were such a sickly child and…don’t take this the wrong way, but you were a bit hard to be around.”
Alexandra burst out laughing and met Simon’s gaze. “God, I love you and your honesty. I like the man you’ve become. You should visit more often.”