Chapter Eleven
♥
For the sake of appearances, Alexandra and Rowan had shared the room with Gabe. He’d started on a long sofa, but when she woke up to Rowan patting her face, she saw he was stretched out on the floor. She’d forgone changing from her pajamas as she tiptoed from the room to allow him to sleep. All the men were getting testy, particularly Gabe and Conor. She feared the approaching storm brewing between them.
The sky was barely beginning to grow light. If Alexandra didn’t look closely, she could almost ignore the two Secret Service agents standing guard. They’d followed her from the bedroom hall even though she’d assured them repeatedly that she’d be fine. She’d forgotten what alone felt like, but she knew she craved it desperately.
She sat at a long table in the manor house’s large kitchen, with Rowan sitting in her lap. They both nibbled on saltines she’d found in the pantry. The two large hounds lay at her feet. Why? For the love of God.
She’d managed to make coffee with Rowan sitting on the floor beside her. She’d used a French press, not understanding why anyone would go to the trouble.
“I thought I heard someone awake.”
Alexandra jumped. “Mamó! You scared me.”
The old woman opened the door for the dogs to go out and poured herself some coffee. She sat and covered Alexandra’s hand with her own. “I noticed last night you’re a jumpy little thing. I guess your constant companions there are rightfully placed. How much danger are you in?”
Alexandra exhaled, remembering how direct Gabe’s grandmother was. “A fair amount.”
“You’ll be safe here.” She made a funny face and silly sounds toward Rowan. “The wee one isn’t yours, is she?”
“Rowan is my goddaughter. When her parents died suddenly, I adopted her.”
“She’s a pretty wee ‘un.” Gabe’s grandmother stroked Rowan’s cheek. “You were a good choice. She takes well to you.”
Alexandra laughed, rubbing Rowan’s hair. “That’s a very recent development, I assure you. It’s not me; it’s her mother’s scarf, and trust me, I may never take the scarf off again.”
“Have you told Gabe?”
Alexandra frowned, not understanding what she was being asked. “Have I told Gabe what?”
Mamó gave her an odd look. “You don’t even realize yourself, then, that you’re with child?”
“What? No!” She shook her head, repeating adamantly, “No, no, I’m not pregnant. I’m not sure where you got that impression.”
The old woman nodded at the saltines torn into pieces.
“Ulcers. I have a lot of health conditions, and I take a lot of medications. I’ve been told I will probably never be able to conceive unless through modern medical intervention and a bit of a miracle.”
Rowan perked up, looking toward the doorway before Alexandra heard the approaching voices. She stroked the baby’s head. “Do you hear Daddy?”
Rowan squealed, and Mamó laughed. “Say Dadaí?”
She clapped her hands together. “Dadadadada.”
Alexandra snorted. “Of course.”
“What distresses you, dear?”
“She was calling my mother Mamó before we left the States, and now Dadaí.” She bounced Rowan on her knee.
Gabe’s grandmother clicked her tongue, catching Rowan’s attention. “Féach cailín beag, is é seo do mamair anois. Mamaí.”
Rowan’s eyes grew large. “Mahmee, mahmee, mahmee.”
Gabe, Jonathon, and Conor entered the kitchen and stopped to listen.
“That’s right; this beautiful lady is your Mamaí now.”
“Mahmee, mahmee, mahmee.” Rowan patted Alexandra’s face, then blew bubbles.
“Seems we’ve been speaking to Rowan in the wrong language.” Gabe went straight to the stove. “Who’s ready for a big breakfast?”
Alexandra started crying. Noticing Rowan’s bottom lip had pouted out as well or that tears were imminent Conor scooped Rowan up and lifted her into the air, making airplane sounds. Rowan squealed with glee. Alexandra reached, ready to catch her, but Conor moved beyond her grasp. “I’m taking this little lady to meet the horses. Gabe, I’ll take four eggs over easy. Thanks.”
“You got it.”
“Horses? What?” Alexandra shook her head. “No, no, no, that seems like a horrible idea.”
He kept walking, not even looking over his shoulder. An agent followed close.
She started to stand but had to steady herself between the table’s edge and the chair back.
“Are you okay, dear?” Mamó queried from her spot next to Gabe in front of the stove. They’d been arguing in Gaelic about who was making breakfast, but Alexandra had only made out a few words. Gabe’s brogue had thickened overnight, and his grandmother spoke too quickly and not very distinctly.
“I’m fine. Jet lag, I’m certain. I’m probably a bit dehydrated.”
“Sit down. You need to eat. You barely touched dinner,” Gabe chastised. “I’ll have your eggs done first.”
Alexandra sat, thinking she heard him ask his grandmother to make toast, but God only knew.
She closed her eyes, sipping her coffee, listening to the lilt of their voices. There was an easygoing manner between them, and soon the scent and sound of sizzling rashers filled the air. Her stomach turned.
Mamó startled her, setting a plate with toast and two over-easy eggs in front of her. “You need to relax. I’m sure you and the wee one are safe here, surrounded by all these brutes. Aye?”
Alexandra nodded, giving the old woman a small smile.
Gabe’s grandmother patted her shoulder and started refilling her coffee cup. She winked. “You tell me if you want more. By the looks of you, you’re two stones shy.”
“Thank you,” Alexandra said before taking the bite she’d already speared. She was only halfway through the eggs when a shrill whistle from outside caused her to glance through the kitchen window. “Oh hell no!”
She jumped from the table and ran outside, the second agent trailing her.
Conor, astride a large draught horse with Rowan in his arms, met her at the side door. “Come riding with us.”
“Conor,” she said warningly, shaking her head, reaching for Rowan. “This isn’t safe! Please hand her to me.”
“It’s plenty safe.” He turned the horse in a circle, pulling alongside the agent who had followed him out and sat astride a second horse. Conor handed him Rowan. The agent tucked her into the crook of his arm, taking it all in stride, as if he held a baby while riding a giant of a horse every day. “Have you no experience with horses?”
“No, and I don’t know why I’d ever want to have an experience with something that easily weighs twenty times what I do.”
Conor slid from the horse’s back and faced Alexandra. He stroked her cheek, pulling her panicked glance from Rowan to him.
“What are you thinking? Clydesdales?”
“Actually a shire horse, but it’s semantics, I suppose. I was thinking I needed to get you outside so I could have just a moment alone with you.”
“She could be trampled or kicked in the head or―” She shrieked. “I can’t believe you’d risk her life―”
“Never.” He pressed his fingers to her mouth before replacing them with his lips. He kissed her slowly and deeply. She relaxed against him, arguing in her mind that she should be struggling.
“Please, ride with me, just across the paddock. If I don’t hold you in my arms soon, I may snap, resorting to bending you over the dinner table and taking what I want from you in front of god and everyone.”
Alexandra looked at him with wide-eyed distress. “You wouldn’t. Besides, you don’t cross lines drawn in the sand!”
He hitched his chin. “I might now that I’ve learned you’re a fiercer adversary to have than Gabe. Better not to take the chance, aye? Agree to take a small ride with me?”
“Just across the paddock?” She didn’t say she was as desperate to be in his arms as he was to have her in his.
He smiled and bent over, lacing his fingers to give her a hand up. She slid her feet from her slippers, leaving them in the dew-damp grass, and placed her foot into his hands. She squealed as he lifted her and tossed her into the saddle. He was behind her a second later, reaching around her to gather the reins.
He urged the horse forward as he wrapped her in his free arm and rested his chin on her shoulder. “Isn’t this nice?”
She pressed her face toward his. “Yes, thank you.”
He smiled smugly as he kissed her cheek and then cantered the horse away from the paddock.
“Conor! You promised!” She looked over her shoulder and saw the agent with Rowan still in his arms, keeping pace.
“I need time alone with you, mo chroí. I was only half joking about taking you on the dining room table. You have to talk to him, try to forgive him. Watching you disappear into the bedroom night after night with Gabe is making me insane.”
“Well, we’re not having sex; I assure you that.” She met his gaze. “I’m angry. That’s not going away―”
He encouraged the horse to gallop, and she closed her eyes. He said in a teasing voice, “If I were the one taking you into my bedroom each night, there would be no refusal.”
“Please stop. Please.”
He reined in under a stand of trees. He molded around her, hugging her tight. “You’re shaking. You’re afraid of horses as well as dogs?”
“I’m pissed as hell. I can’t trust any of you.”
“You can trust me. You can trust my heart.”
She snorted. “Says the man who a moment ago lied to me about merely crossing the paddock! And threatened forced intimacy in the next breath.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. There would be no forcing; you would beg.”
“That’s a very high opinion you have of yourself.”
“What will it take, Xandra? To mend things?”
She shrugged, not having a clue, her heart aching. “It can never again be the way it was.”
He frowned. “The ménage?”
“Gabe as the dominant, puppet-mastering us all, because as much as I enjoyed the four of us together, I can no longer believe you or Jonathon were there because you wanted to be with me.”
“You honestly think I was just obeying orders?”
“Was that first Friday orchestrated? Was I just the lucky pawn that showed up to be used?”
“God, no! If you believe nothing else, know the first night we were together was honest happenstance, and it was every bit as real, magical, and fucking amazing as you remember. Cross my heart as I swear on my firstborn’s grave, I have never been as turned on as I was that night with you.” He tipped her chin and tried to meet her gaze. “Please, look at me, mo chroí.”
She turned sideways to look deeply in his eyes and saw the pain she’d forced herself to stop seeing. “I’ve only loved twice, Alexandra. After Aisling, I thought I’d never love again, and then there you were, wrapping yourself around my heart. I’m so deeply in love with you. Please fix this. Let us be together again.”
“I don’t know how,” she whispered, stroking his cheek. “I’ve never been so angry at Gabe. I don’t know what to do with my rage. I thought when he turned from me in Belfast, I’d been hurt as badly as I could ever be hurt, but he made me trust him again. He made me believe I could have the fairytale. He made me believe I could have him…and you.”
“We can have the fairytale.” He kissed her forehead.
“How will I ever know what’s real again? When you say you love me, or when Jonathon―”
“You’re so anxious to be alone with Jonathon?”
She smirked. “It might have been false as hell, but I know where I stand with Jonathon. In my mind that makes him the safe bet of all three of you.”
“How do you figure?”
“He’s terrified I will take Gabe from him. I’m afraid I can never give Gabe what Jonathon does, so I am equally afraid I will lose Gabe to him. You might say we are in the same sinking boat together. Both of us bailing water as fast as we can to keep from drowning. Besides, Jonathon is a very generous lover.”
“Yeah?”
“As if you don’t know?” She smiled, unable to stop it.
“Promise me you will start trying to mend the brokenness between you and Gabe.” He squeezed her, hugging her in tight to him.
She shook her head. “I’m dying inside. When I realized none of you are mine―”
“Gabe is yours. I am yours. I know the dynamic is confusing―”
“No, not confusing. Impossible. Take me back.”
He turned the horse and started a slow trot back toward the paddock. They rode in silence across the long field. When they entered the barn, he turned her in his arms, grabbing her jaw and pulling her face to meet his. “Tell me you think this is false!”
He kissed her with raw passion. It was rough and carried an edge of desperation as he stole her breath and made every inch of her skin long to be touched by him. She gave in to the need pulsing through her. Turning, she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him back with equal force, their tongues filling each other’s mouths.
When they separated, they were both panting. He sneaked his hand beneath her robe and under the waistband of her pajama bottoms.
“You shouldn’t―”
She moaned as his fingers slid through her wetness. She knew she was soaking wet. He whispered, “I shouldn’t?”
“Gabe’s line in the sand. He trusts you.”
“That line put a wall between us. I will tear the wall down one way or another. I already warned Gabe if it comes to it I choose you.”
His fingers filled her as he pulled her against his chest, crushing her to him. He finger-fucked her, making her writhe in his arms.
“Oh god…you can’t…ahhhh.”
“Do you want me?” he demanded against her face, sliding his fingers in and out of her mercilessly. She cried out, caught in the intensity of the pleasure he was giving her. “Xandra, please, tell me you still want me as much as I need you.”
“You know I do. Desperately.” She clutched at him, gasping as he skillfully pulled the orgasm through her. She pushed her face into his neck. “Conor.”
He pulled his fingers from her, and she dropped her head back against his shoulder, closing her eyes. The pleasure from the orgasm lingered, demanding more. She mouthed, Fuck.
He slid his damp fingers over her bottom lip. “Taste.”
She opened her mouth, and he pressed two fingers into her mouth, then covered her lips with his mouth so that both their tongues were licking her dampness from his fingers.
He pulled his fingers away. “I’ve missed the flavor of you.”
She whispered, “Conor.”
“I am yours. It is up to you to make the fairytale possible.” He kissed her again as he slid his hand over her pajamas and between her legs to squeeze lightly. “Next time you’ll beg me for release, not try to sneak an orgasm past me.”
She gasped, feeling more confused than she’d ever felt.
He slid from the horse, reached for her, and caught her. She stood on the toes of his boots and wrapped her arms around his neck.
“Where are your shoes?”
“In the grass near the house.”
He shook his head. “I’ll carry you over the muck.”
“Kiss me again first.”
“If I start, I might not stop,” he threatened.
“Then don’t stop,” she replied just before his lips covered her mouth.
He kissed her long and deep, making her head swim and her pussy ache, but he did stop, leaving her wishing he hadn’t. He carried her to her slippers and then took Rowan from the agent.
Alexandra was smiling when they entered the kitchen and found they hadn’t missed breakfast. Everyone was just loading plates. She frowned. Her plate had been cleared. She went to the stove and reached for a slice of black pudding before she realized what she was doing. She pulled her hand away. What in the fuck?
Gabe handed her a plate with two fresh eggs and toast. She met his gaze and saw the accusation. I didn’t do anything wrong; we’re supposed to all be in a committed relationship together. It’s fine. It has to be. “Thank you.”
“I thought I might need to come looking for you.”
Alexandra saw the dark look Jonathon was sending her. What did I do now? She replied, “I wasn’t gone that long,” with a thick enough emphasis they both knew she meant sex.
His eyebrow rose just before his grandmother chuckled, but he said no more.
Alexandra met the old woman’s gaze and was surprised when she winked. Dirty old bird. She sat at the kitchen table just as Karen entered, took one look at Alexandra’s plate and said, “Uh-uh, you had a huge calorie deficit yesterday. Add potatoes, or beans, or a bit of both.”
“You could have stayed in bed a while longer,” Alexandra replied testily.
“Are you kidding? I did stay in bed! This is the first morning I’ve slept past five a.m. in almost two years. Trust me; I am well rested.”
Conor put Rowan into the bright-colored plastic walker and took Alexandra’s plate. He added a spoonful each of potatoes and beans. He tossed on two slices of black pudding.
“She’s vegetarian,” Gabe reminded him.
“If she doesn’t eat it, I’m sure one of us will.” He set the plate in front of her and then joined her at the table. “No judgments here if you eat the sausage, love. Everyone here is fairly content with omnivorism.”
She shook her head. “My willpower is generally much stronger.”
“You have people trying to kill you, and this, us, is a fucking disaster. I’m pretty sure it’s just stress. People reach for comfort foods when they are overwhelmed.” Conor winked. “I bet your mother didn’t raise you vegetarian.”
She snorted. “Uh, no. There was always a fair share of rashers and black and white puddings for breakfast.”
Gabe’s grandmother and Karen each carried their plates into the dining room. Jonathon filled his plate, keeping a watchful eye on Gabe. When he saw Gabe sit on the other side of Alexandra, he met her gaze and then headed through the doorway to the dining room. “Mind if I join you beautiful ladies? The testosterone is a little too thick in the kitchen.”
Alexandra ate in silence, not following anything Gabe and Conor were talking about. It seemed that even though they discussed everyday things, there was some hidden drama between the lines.
She watched Conor as he mashed potato with his fork. He proceeded to feed it to Rowan, who clapped her hands. “What are you doing? She can’t have that!”
“Sure, she can.” Conor frowned. “She’s seven going on eight months. It’s more than time to feed her a bit from the table.”
Rowan flashed a gummy smile and opened her mouth for more. Alexandra left her chair to squat in front of the walker. “You’ve hurt her mouth. Was it too hot?”
“What?”
She lifted Rowan’s lip to expose the top gum. “Look, it’s swollen and white. I need to find a local pediatrician. Fuck.”
“Xandra, sweetheart,” Gabe said in a cautionary tone she absolutely hated.
She took a deep breath and counted to ten. She closed her eyes and finished counting to twenty. She met his gaze. “You have some great wisdom to impart about babies?”
“She’s teething. Her gums are white and swollen because the teeth are going to pop through any day. That’s why she’s drooling so much.”
Alexandra stood, making fists. “I am so very glad every fucking person in this house knows more about babies than me.”
Conor pressed his hand to the center of her back. He said gently, “Relax. There’s a big learning curve with babies. Sit with us and finish your breakfast.”
She sat back at the table but just pushed the food around her plate. She kept her gaze lowered, fighting emotion, fighting tears. She took a long swallow of coffee and realized no one was saying anything.
Gabe ate, and Conor was still giving Rowan small bites.
She finally stood, taking her plate to scrape into the garbage, and tossed her paper napkin in as well. She rinsed her plate and left the room.
“NOW WHAT?” GABE asked, dropping his fork. “We’re the ones responsible for ruining her appetite day after day.”
“We could get her a book on baby development.” Conor didn’t look up from his plate. “You could try harder to mend the brokenness between you.”
“What happened outside?”
“Jesus, Gabe, we took Rowan for a ride on a horse.”
“You’ll lie to me now?”
“That wasn’t a lie.”
Gabe snorted. “She came in smiling. She hasn’t offered me a real smile, or anything else, in two weeks. You do remember the bit about me sleeping on the floor?”
“I do, and I assumed you were. Excuse me if I’m enjoying your agony.” Conor laughed out loud. “But you have to realize Jonathon and I are in the exact same boat.”
Gabe grabbed Conor’s right hand and brought it toward his face. “I would smell the scent of her on you from a mile away.”
Conor jerked his hand back. “Do us all a favor, and next time I give you advice, take heed.”
“So what’s your advice? Keep in mind she isn’t hearing me or speaking to me.”
“First off, get Jonathon to dial the bitchiness way back, because he consciously or not he is hoping to be the straw that breaks her back and sends her away for good. He might never admit it, but we both know it’s true. And if he succeeds, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”
“I heard that! You’re blaming me now? Threatening me?” Jonathon called through the wall. “I’m not the one she’s caught in lie after lie, am I?”
Conor started to stand, but Gabe held him back. He knew from experience the look in Conor’s eye wouldn’t bode well for Jonathon’s health or well-being if he got his hands on him. “Sit. Leaving him black and blue won’t fix this.”
Conor sat. “Take him to town. Just get him out of my sight for a while, because even if she can take the comments in stride, I no longer can.”
“You want me to take Jonathon to town so you can have time alone with Xandra? Is that the trade-off? We’re bargaining now instead of doing what’s best for her?”
“Excuse me? The best for me? Fuck you, Gabe.” More softly, Alexandra said, “Sorry, Mamó. I shouldn’t speak so coarsely under your roof.”
“It’s all right, dear. Sometimes men are asses, and they have to be reminded just who rules the roost at night.”
Mamó and Karen both giggled, but Jonathon laughed outright.
Gabe closed his eyes, realizing Alexandra had only gone as far as the dining room, and in hoping to keep his grandmother out of the drama, he’d put her smack-dab in the middle of it. He could imagine the crude hand gesture that went along with her advice. “I am soundproofing every fucking wall in this old place before we spend another night.”
“Then how’s an old woman to know when you start whispering about shipping me off to one of those fancy old-folks’ homes in the city?”
He started laughing at how ridiculous the morning had turned, but it was cut short when Alexandra filled the doorway, tears still damp on her cheeks. She met his gaze. “I can’t do this another day. Your job was to figure out how to make it right again.”