Chapter Sixteen
♥
Alexandra quickly established a pattern to her days. Since routine was the most important thing she could do for her mind when she was away from the lab for any duration, midmorning became her running time. She sipped her coffee as she pulled on a long-sleeved running shirt and pants, hurriedly put on socks and shoes, and left the room.
A new agent, Agent Jack stood just outside her door. “Ma’am.”
“Good morning, Agent. I’m going for a run. Would you like to join me?”
“Wait while I change, ma’am?”
“I’ll wait.” She was giddy inside. Of all the agents sent to protect her, she’d discovered he was the only one who could keep pace with her.
She watched him walk down the hall to the bedroom shared by the three agents who rotated shifts. When he returned, he was wearing running shorts, quality running shoes, and a T-shirt.
“Are you armed, soldier?” She talked to him like he was a stranger. Gabe had warned her early on that an agent could get rotated out if it was believed any type of attachment was being formed, because it could affect their performance negatively. Since she thrived on routine, which included the people she saw, and having the same agents for each shift would lend a certain balance, it was imperative to limit change.
Change equaled chaos. And her mind on chaos could become a scary force.
The agent lifted the loose-fitting T-shirt to reveal a skintight tank top beneath, a holstered gun and knife array between the two layers.
She snickered, remembering the first day she’d taken him on a run.
“I run fast and hard. Try to keep up.”
“We were all warned you are active and restless, especially at night. I would much prefer a day run to a nighttime walkabout.”
“At least my reputation precedes me. You do realize it is cold outside?”
“I’m from northern Minnesota, ma’am.”
“Awesome.” Because that explained everything? She set the alarm on her watch to tone at half-hour marks. “Let’s do it!”
Alexandra arched her brow.
“Ready when you are, ma’am.”
She ran down the front staircase and out through the front doors. She did a warm-up pace for what she guessed was the first quarter mile and then increased her speed, keeping it steady for two tones on her watch. She’d remained on the property for the entire hour, the land beneath her feet uneven and rugged, going from grass to boulder to marsh nearer the edge of the river she’d been skirting.
The wind was picking up and she stopped to rest, moving in place to keep her muscles from tightening up. Staring at the low hills rising in front of them, she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She noticed a sound she hadn’t heard on her earlier runs and closed her eyes, listening. “Do you hear that, Agent?”
“Thunder? Looks like a storm is moving in, ma’am. We should start back.”
“Not yet. I hear rushing water.” She met his gaze and looked in the direction he was pointing to see charcoal colored shelf clouds moving in fast from the direction of the ocean. She climbed over a rough outcropping and dropped from sight. She heard the agent curse under his breath, but then he dropped the five feet to where she was standing at the base of a hidden waterfall. “God, it’s beautiful here.”
She ran her hand over the thick carpet of moss rolling over every stone and tree trunk. “This must be where the fairies and leprechauns live, because it feels magical.”
A large crashing sound pierced the peacefulness.
“That is thunder, ma’am, and it’s close.”
She sighed. “Let’s head back.”
She led the way, scrabbling over the dangerous terrain. They had been easier to jump down from than mess with trying to crawl over backward. When she reached the top, she held out a hand to assist him. He laughed as he came over the edge, and the first fat drops started falling from the sky. “We’re going to get soaked, ma’am.”
She winked, knowing it was futile. “We better run fast!”
An hour later they were in sight of the house, running hard and laughing like children. When they finally reached the overhang of the porch, they shook like wet dogs, still laughing as they doubled over to breathe. “Oh God, thank you, Agent; I needed that.”
The front door was standing open, and she caught movement in the shadows.
“It’s Jack, ma’am, and the pleasure was mine. Running with you is always physically challenging. Before coming here, I hadn’t run like that in ages.”
Alexandra snorted. “Well, Agent, I only know one way to run, hard and fast.” Gabe was suddenly in the doorway, handing them each towels. He didn’t look impressed. She reached for the towel, saying, “Thank you,” and he didn’t release his hold on it until she met his gaze.
She was still smiling wide. He wasn’t. He asked, “Enjoy your run?”
She sighed but didn’t stop smiling. “I did. Thanks for asking.”
Another agent stepped into view. “I’ve got it, Jack, if you want to change.”
The agent nodded and disappeared inside. Alexandra followed and passed Gabe to go upstairs to shower and change. She wasn’t surprised when he followed her, but was slightly surprised when he didn’t have anything to say, instead shadowing her in what appeared to be moody silence.
“Is something wrong?”
“I want to be the one to tell you something.”
“Did anyone die?” Her heart was already in her throat.
“No,” he answered, seeming surprised by her question.
“Rowan?”
“She’s fine. I believe Conor and Jonathon are keeping her well entertained, as Karen needed to get some work done this afternoon.”
She tried to make her heart stop racing. “So, I can shower and get dressed?”
“I’ll be here when you come out.”
She exhaled. “Goddamn it, you know I’m not patient enough for this. What do you want to be the one to tell me?”
He stood and put his hands on her shoulders. “Jack, the agent you’ve been running with almost every day, is being reassigned.”
She stared at him, and the words he was saying made no sense.
“I want to assure you I had nothing to do with this. It came from the home office. He is being rotated out.”
“I never call him by his name, even though he reminds me every day. I talk to him like he is a stranger.” She sat on the edge of the upholstered chair, pushing her palms against her eyelids. “Why is this happening?”
“I don’t know, sweetheart. Maybe the fault isn’t yours but his. Like you said, he tells you his name every day. That may have been noted on a field report. I don’t know.” He squatted in front of her and tried to pull her hands toward him, but she resisted. “I’m sorry.”
“No! I’m not happy about this.”
“I know,” he whispered, trying one more time to pull her toward him, but she shook her head and pouted. “Xandra, please let me hold you. It’s okay to express your emotions. No one is here to see but me and you.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and whined, “Who will I run with now?”
“I’m pretty sure you’d have three easy volunteers if you’d just ask.”
She sat back and rolled her eyes.
“We’re in decent shape. We can run.”
She exhaled, trying really hard not to cry. Trying even harder not to expose her disappointment with her options.
He smiled and waggled his eyebrows. “If you’re running in front of us and we know your ass is the prize, I’m fairly certain any of us will keep pace with you.”
“Uh-huh, or I’ll be forced to do CPR on the side of the trail.”
“Come here.”
Alexandra scooted forward on the chair and shrieked when Gabe pulled her to him and fell backward, taking her with him onto the floor. “What are you doing?”
“Getting you out of your wet clothes and taking your mind off Jack, I hope.” He wrapped his hand around the back of her neck and pulled her mouth to his. He kissed her with unbridled passion, stealing her breath. He slid his hands under her shirt to rub her cool, damp skin before helping her shrug out of the wet shirt.
She moaned into his mouth before pulling her lips away. “How can I want you so badly all the time?”
“I’m glad you do. I’d hate to ache for you like this and not have it be mutual.”
She lifted his T-shirt, exposing his skin, and ran her hands over his ribs and pecs. She lowered her mouth to suck his nipple, then bit lightly.
Gabe pulled his shirt over his head.
She smiled as he pushed her bra above her breasts and then started sucking her nipple. She cried out. He cupped her breasts and squeezed hard, making her moan even though she’d tried to hold it back. “Gabe! It’s the middle of the day, and the walls are paper-thin!”
“Mamó is half-deaf, and the others will just have to cover their ears.”
Alexandra gasped as he rolled her under him before standing.
He bent over and pulled down her running pants, catching her underwear too, and jerked them to her ankles. He pulled off her shoes and socks.
“Even your underwear is soaked through.”
“It was raining.”
“And freezing. I don’t want you sick again. The last time almost destroyed us all.” Gabe pulled off the rest of his clothes. “God, look at you.”
She smiled naughtily and spread her legs. “It made you appreciate me more.”
“I’m pretty certain it didn’t take your fever hitting one hundred and five. We appreciated you enough before we were all afraid you would die.” He lowered himself to the space between her legs. “Please, no more running in the rain. It’s colder than you think out there.”
He rubbed his hands over her chilled skin. “Bend your knees.”
She pulled her knees up.
“Touch yourself. I want to watch your need rise.”
Alexandra tilted her chin and bit her bottom lip.
Gabe licked the length of her vagina. “Please.”
She moved her hand to cover herself and then slid her fingers along the inner softness of her labia.
“That’s it.” He shadowing her fingers with his own, watching intently.
When she started to circle her clit with her fingertips, he pushed a single finger inside her.
She closed her eyes and lifted her hips as he added a second finger, curling them to rub her G-spot. She rocked her hips and whispered, “I want you inside me.”
“Once you’re closer.”
Gabe pushed his fingers deeper as she rocked toward them. She whimpered and tossed her head as she circled her clit.
“That’s it. Take yourself there.”
“Oh God, Gabe, I want to come around you.”
“You will. I promise. Let yourself fly, sweetheart.”
“Aah!”
“That’s it. Fly a little higher.”
Her mouth opened in a silent scream as he filled her, thrusting hard and fast. He pushed her higher on the vortex. “God, oh God!”
He commanded, “Come around me!”
“Ahh!”
“Do it!” He thrust harder and deeper, making her scream and thrash beneath him.
Her pussy clenched around his length, pulsing with orgasm.
“That’s what I want, baby.”
♥ ♥ ♥
Gabe woke alone but heard her voice. He dressed quickly, finding Alexandra and Karen in the room adjacent to theirs. Alexandra had both showered and dressed. He watched from the doorway as Alexandra and Karen filled a very ornately carved, dark-wood, antique four poster canopied baby bed with the bedding they’d brought from Rowan’s pack and play. Overnight the room he’d always known as a small storage room had become an elaborate nursery with a matching mirrored vanity and chest of drawers.
“Wow,” he said. “What happened here?”
“Mamó had the nursery furniture brought down while we were sleeping. She wanted it to be a surprise. When we leave she wants us to take it with us to keep it in the family.” Alexandra smiled and ran her hand over the finely carved piece. “Karen believes it’s Victorian.”
“It was a very nice surprise.” He molded himself behind her and kissed her temple.
“I’ll go get Rowan to see if the new bed meets her approval,” Karen said just before she disappeared.
Alexandra sighed. “She’s still uncomfortable. She doesn’t like it when we fight.”
“I don’t like it either.”
“She’s afraid this is just the calm before the next storm.”
“Does she know something I don’t?”
“I could ask the same of you.”
He pulled her into his arms. “There is still much from my past I need to share with you. A decade is a very long time.”
“You keep saying.”
“So let me share things as I’m ready to, and understand I’m not keeping secrets from you on purpose.”
Alexandra exhaled, meeting his gaze. She nodded. “I’ll try to not overreact when you reveal the next secret, but I make no promises if it’s a blonde mistress or a bastard.”
“No blondes and no bastards, that much I can promise. My greatest fault is wanting to be alone with you. I want it to be just the two of us a few nights in a row, if that is agreeable?”
She kissed him. “Can we be alone now? Maybe practice for tonight?”
Not breaking the kiss, Gabe picked her up and carried her to their bedroom.
♥ ♥ ♥
The next morning Alexandra found a new agent outside her door. She said harshly, “When I come out of this room, I expect whoever is posted here to be dressed and ready to run.”
“Run, ma’am?”
“Yes, run, as if your life and mine depend on it. You have five minutes to change and meet me downstairs.”
She left him gaping at her. She hitched her chin. “This should be interesting.”
She actually waited more than five minutes, and he still hadn’t met her. She was stretching outside when he finally appeared at her side. “Are you armed?”
He lifted his shirt, and his holster was a waistband, gun center of his back.
“Jesus. Whatever.” She started running, her normal slow warm-up pace too fast for the agent. She started jogging backward. “You seriously passed the qualifier this year? If so, I’m concerned about the physical-fitness requirements for Secret Service agents.”
“There is a minimum requirement that must be met. Are we going much farther, ma’am?”
She laughed, turning back around. “Don’t worry about it, Low Bar; I’ll catch you on the flip side.”
♥ ♥ ♥
Conor held Rowan and was joined by Gabe, waiting at the front door, displeasure evident on both their faces when she returned. The agent wasn’t waiting where she’d left him when she’d looped back, and she’d hoped he’d gone back to the house and hadn’t fallen off a fucking cliff.
She hurried through the house without a word and locked herself in the bathroom to shower and put on dry clothes. She knew it was evident by her flaming-red cheeks and almost-blue lips that she’d gotten chilled to the bone, but she hadn’t noticed the temperature dropping—until the rain started, drenching her through in minutes, and then changed over to pelting sleet. She had to return before she was ready, and she was pissed by that, mad at the weather and madder at herself for not noticing the storm coming in off the ocean.
She knew Gabe would be livid. It was the fourth day in a row she’d been caught out in a thunderstorm, and now she’d abandoned her agent again. Sometimes they really were more trouble than they were worth, but neither Gabe nor the president saw it that way. Damn men. Was it her fault the agent sent with her couldn’t keep pace?
She stripped and tossed the soggy clothing in the sink while the shower warmed. When she stepped in, her teeth chattered. She was so cold that she stood under the hot water until she completely warmed through. She wrapped herself in a towel, knowing she and Gabe would argue, and she wasn’t sure she could handle another fight over her need to run, so she hoped a towel drop at the right moment might stop the argument before it started.
Instead, Gabe, Conor, Karen, and Jonathon were waiting in her bedroom.
She stopped at the threshold, puzzled, but Gabe pushed her on through and closed the door behind them.
“Oh, fuck me, please tell me someone else died and this isn’t an intervention?”
“Do you need one, mo chroí?”
She met Conor’s gaze. “I didn’t think so.”
Karen held up her food log, pointed to the pages of highlighted missed meals and calorie deficits before pointing to the untouched tray on the nightstand. “You don’t have work at the lab to blame, so what’s going on?”
She shrugged. “Nothing is going on. I feel great. I just ran 20K. I feel fabulous!”
“You’re manic,” Gabe charged. “And you were almost frozen through when you finally returned. Do you have a death wish?”
“The agent was slow. Not my fault.”
“Xandra, mo ghrá. He was in a state of panic when he called for assistance. He didn’t realize you have a habit of being unpredictable. You do understand his failure has to be reported to his command?”
“Command needs to give me Jack back, and Low Bar needs to figure it the fuck out. He’s so out of shape he’s an embarrassment to the service he represents! I’ll be more than happy to report that. For the record, I gave up my death wish a few years back. Today I wasn’t in danger. The shower warmed me right up. As far as manic, I’m always up or down. Please don’t tell me you prefer me down, because I really like up.”
Gabe held out his palm.
“What?” she snarled.
“Whatever you’re using, give it to me. Now!”
CONOR SHOOK HIS head, watching the scene play out and unable to stop it. He was annoyed Gabe was treating her like a criminal, but even more pissed at Karen for the ambush she’d maneuvered.
Even if Alexandra was using again, it was because she was an addict and needed help, not accusations, and god knew he’d had more than his fair share of experience to know he was right on that count. He wanted to tell her, but how did he go about admitting to her that while he was off fighting a war he shouldn’t have been in, his young wife overdosed on heroin in front of their two small sons…and died?
He knew he’d fucked up.
He’d been too young and saddled with too many responsibilities, and when he couldn’t get honest work to put food on the table, he’d joined the Irish military. He hadn’t realized she was too young and too immature to leave with the responsibility of infant twins.
“Alexandra,” Gabe said warningly.
She spread her arms wide, dropping the towel. “Search me, do a cavity check, search my luggage. I’ve got nothing because I’m not using. Up until thirty seconds ago, I was the happiest person in this county. Now, not so much. Thanks for ruining an otherwise perfect night and morning.”
Karen reached out her arms to Rowan, but Rowan turned her head and held on to Conor. She patted his chest. “Conch-conch-conch.”
Alexandra laughed at Rowan. Conor assured, “She’s fine, Karen. I’ve got her,” before whispering, “I’ve got you, bunny,” repeating his name in Gaelic, “Kahn-krew-her.”
“Conch-conch-conch.” They’d been working on it all morning while Gabe and Karen argued over the caretaking of Alexandra.
Karen touched his arm and whispered, “I’ll tell Mamó Alexandra returned safely.”
“Search me or let me get dressed.”
Jonathon looked at the floor as he approached and handed her a dry towel. “Sorry, Xandra.”
“Don’t be, Jonathon; this has been the way of my life. When I’m happy, people just can’t handle me, so they determine a way to bring me back down as fast as possible.” She laughed, even though there was no humor in what she’d admitted. “I’m fairly certain that’s why I started always turning inward, hiding in the lab, and my twin, Alex, turned to the solitude of the desert. There’s no judgment when it’s just you and your thoughts, and you can behave as bizarrely as you like and no one gives a fuck.”
Jonathon brushed the back of his hand against hers. “I don’t think you’re using, but if you are, please stop. I want enough time to come to terms with how I feel about you.”
Gabe shook his head and left the room. Jonathon followed him out, whispering loudly, “I told you that was not a good idea.”
Conor closed the bedroom door, and Alexandra bent at the waist and started towel drying her hair. She glanced up at Rowan and Conor. “She likes you.”
“She’s a sweetheart.”
“So, whose idea was the intervention?”
“Karen asked Gabe to call Dr. Claassen. She believes there’s something not quite right, even though she can’t put her finger on what. That’s almost a direct quote.” He looked away. “You know I watch you—all the time—and I agree. It’s like you are trying very hard to be normal, but it’s forced, not truth. So, what’s the lie, Xandra?”
Her lips parted and doubt slid through her eyes, but then it was gone, and she shook her head. “I’ve never felt better.”
“According to Gabe, you’ve never looked better, but Karen told him either he confronts you or she’d have the doctor on the next plane.”
“Jesus.” She pulled on dry clothes.
“Mahmee, mahmee, mahmee.” Rowan reached for her and Alexandra took her from Conor’s arms.
“How’s my sweet, beautiful girl? What have you been up to this morning?”
“Crawling.”
“What? Seriously?” Alexandra’s eyes widened.
“Let her show you. Put her on the floor and walk to the other side of the room.”
She put the baby on her bottom and stepped away, saying brightly, “Rowan! Hi!”
Rowan clapped, smiling, then rolled over onto all fours and, after a few false starts, got moving. Alexandra laughed and clapped, reaching for her. As soon as the baby was close enough, she picked her up. “You are amazing!”
She met his gaze. “Did you teach her this?”
“All any baby needs is a bit of time on the floor and a little incentive just out of reach. She really likes apples. A lot.”
She walked over to him and kissed him. “Keep it up, and you’ll get the nanny job.”
Conor caressed her face. “Hmmm, I’m afraid I’ll have to battle Gabe and Jonathon for the pleasure. Gabe intends to have her cooking by the time she’s two, and Jonathon is all about teaching her to dance.”
“Wow. I’m keeping the nanny applications tucked away. I was dreading starting interviews as soon as we get back anyway.”
“When are we going to discuss the elephant in the room?”
“There’s an elephant?”
He looked at the tray of uneaten food.
“My meds have been making me too nauseated, and this morning I wanted to run without vomiting every quarter mile.”
“You’re eating less every day and running longer and longer distances. Yet you’re glowing with health. I might also add, your nipples are tender as hell.”
“If you had two men pinching and pulling yours every night, your nipples would hurt too!”
He took Rowan and sat her on the floor.
“Xandra, sweetheart.” Taking her hands in his, he forced her to meet his gaze by tilting his head around her face until she did. “When are you going to learn? I notice the smallest details, and you just admitted the truth. Your nipples are tenderer than would be normal following a night of play. I was merely guessing.”
“Fuck.” She dropped his gaze.
“I think you’re smart enough to know my suspicions.”
“Hopefully you’ll keep your thoughts to yourself until we’re home again. I want Gabe to enjoy his visit with Mamó and not worry about me.”
His eyes narrowed. “So my belief is correct? You’re pregnant?”
“Shh! Thin fucking walls, and it’s too soon to know,” she answered, jerking her hands free and crossing her arms.
He pulled her into his arms, mashed her crossed arms between them. “Because you don’t want to know?”
She nodded, then shook her head. “If you never know you had something, it hurts less when it’s gone.”
He pressed his forehead to hers. “While you were missing in Montana, Gabe suggested he believed part of the problem with TJ getting Amber pregnant was because you believe you can’t have children, and his creating a child with another woman might be an emotional betrayal you wouldn’t be able to recover from.”
Alexandra closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. “Good to know the high opinion he has of my mental state.”
“He was terrified he was going to lose you forever. He had men combing the earth for you. When you finally admitted where you were—”
Alexandra pressed her fingers to Conor’s mouth. “We will not discuss your suspicions again. It hurts too much to even imagine. I was pregnant once, a long time ago. My doctor at the time completely freaked out when he discovered I was pregnant and did everything he could to convince me for my own health I needed to abort. Then when I miscarried during my twentieth week because of a fetal abnormality…” She shook her head, fighting back tears. “I can’t go through that again. So, whatever is going on with my body, that isn’t it. That can’t be it!”
“What happens if it is what’s going on?”
“I don’t know. I guess I would pray for it to go full-term and lose my mind a little more if it didn’t.” She dropped her face. “Promise me you won’t say anything to anyone, and I will be one hundred percent honest with you.”
“I promise,” he said, without thinking about it or even meaning it, because the truth had to be known, and if she was willing to tell him on the promise, he was willing to risk her never speaking to him again if he had to break that promise for her own safety. “So the mania, you really aren’t inducing it?”
She leaned near, meeting his gaze. “The minute I suspected, I stopped taking all of my medication except the heart medicine and the pancreas enzymes. I am officially unmedicated for my bipolar disorder, the ADD, and the OCD. So you are right; I am forcing normal. I have to constantly question every action, every thought, and make sure I behave like medicated Alexandra, and it’s hard. Running helps; it really helps. I can’t lose running. Don’t let Gabe take that away from me.” She started pacing. “You have no idea what it’s like to have to question every thought that processes. It is part of the reason I’m running rain or shine. If I can force my body to create enough serotonin and dopamine on its own, I can avoid the mood swings and paranoia. Plus, it’s hours out from under the microscope and I can completely relax.”
“You can’t keep running farther and harder every day.” Conor’s heart felt like it stopped. I have to tell Gabe. Fuck. He exhaled and stepped into her path. He slid his hands over her shoulders. “How do you know you aren’t putting you both in danger pushing yourself so hard?”
“I feel better than I ever have.”
He lifted the tail of her shirt, seeing the deeper dips between flesh and bone. “How much weight have you lost?”
She shook her head and shrugged. “I’m trying to force myself to eat, because that is always my greatest downfall but even more so when I’m not medicated.”
“You need a doctor to monitor you.”
“No!” Alexandra pulled away and again started pacing. Conor wavered between pulling her into his arms and forcing her to see reason and running to get Gabe because he was really the only one who understood Alexandra’s mental health battles.
She stopped in front of the window and looked out over the garden. It was pouring rain. “I’m educated, Conor. I know more about my condition than any obstetrician would ever hope to. As long as I can avoid the paranoia and being unsafe, a danger to myself—”
“Jesus!” He hugged her from behind and pressed his lips to her shoulder.
“I cannot risk another baby dying from abnormalities potentially caused by my medications. Do you understand? Please, please don’t ever mention this conversation to Gabe. I don’t want to face this battle alone, but for now—”
“Dadadadada!” Rowan bounced on her bottom, reaching toward the door.
Alexandra’s breath left her in a rush, and she paled.
Conor released her and turned to face Gabe as he charged into the room. He physically stopped him and whispered, “Be gentle. I promise she isn’t using, but you have to talk. She’s on that precipice you worry about.”
Gabe met Conor’s gaze, whispering, “What do you know?”
He answered, “I know she is not using, and I know I’m scared for her safety,” before picking up Rowan and leaving Gabe with Alexandra. “For all our sakes, don’t tip her over the edge.”