The next time I woke up, I was in a room with white walls and ceiling, and a curtain was drawn on one side. I could hear the whirring and beeping of machines. Beyond that was the murmurings of voices. I recognized the hospital, though, when was the last time I was in the patient’s position? I couldn’t remember.

“Oh, honey! It’s so wonderful to finally see your eyes open.”

I blinked and looked to the side. My mom was sitting on a hard plastic chair by the wall. Seeing me awake, she jumped up, leaving her phone and purse on the chair, then hustled over to the bed. I smiled back at her, reaching my hand out for her. My hand trembled the moment I raised it, though, and if she hadn't caught it, it would have fallen back to the bed.

“When did you get here?” I asked, my voice scratchy. I was glad to note I didn’t have a mask on my face, though. “How long have I been asleep anyway?”

Mom returned my smile with blurry eyes, though it was shaky around the edges, her hand squeezing hard around mine.

“Not long,” she admitted. “You weren’t that badly hurt; they assured me you’d only been asleep for a little bit. But, Alexis! I was so worried when I got here and saw you lying on a hospital bed!”

Her expression crumbled, and I saw just how devastated she had been. Her hair and clothes looked disheveled, her eyes and the tip of her nose were red as if she’d been crying. The lines on her forehead and around her mouth looked more prominent than I remembered.

I didn’t like giving her trouble. As far as I could remember, it had only ever been the two of us, and Mom had to raise me up as a single mom while working extensive hours as a nurse. It was hard for her, even I could see it. Work was stressful, particularly in the times when there were accidents and emergencies. It wore her out.

But, I admired that she could do it all, and from a very young age, I wanted to be just like her. She was the whole reason I went into nursing, my inspiration, though she didn’t work as much as she used to, taking fewer hours and doing volunteer work on the side.

By the way she was dressed casually, she must have been at her volunteer job when she got called. I could imagine how worried she’d been, since she’d told me before how she was sometimes on the other end of that call, telling someone their loved one was either dead or dying, and she never wanted to get a call like that herself.

I felt a sharp sting in my chest, and I winced. Immediately, my mom jumped up, her hands flailing over my body.

“What is it, what’s wrong? Where does it hurt?”

I blinked, then huffed a quiet laugh, reaching for her hand again.

“I’m not hurt, Mom, it’s just guilt. I’m sorry I put you through that.”

She sighed and sat on the edge of my bed, giving me another smile, only firmer this time.

“Don’t scare me like that, honey. I have an old heart, you know! Let it relax for a little before you give me another scare, okay?”

I huffed out a laugh. “Old, you? No way!”

“Oh, but I am,” she said in light reprimand. Her hand reached for mine again, and she held it between both of us. “You have no idea how worried I was. When I first got the call, I thought it was something to do with work. Then they told me you were in an accident.”

My chest tightened, and the beeping that monitored my heart rate picked up the pace a little.

The accident.

“Mom, can you tell me what happened?” I asked quickly. I would have reached for her hands with my other one, but there was an IV needle stuck in the back of it. “I wasn’t alone in the car, Ryder was driving. Have you heard anything about him? Anything at all is fine.”

She sighed, and her expression fell. I told myself not to jump to conclusions before she said anything, but I couldn’t hide my worry.

“That boy. It was so bad, Alexis,” she whispered, her hands squeezing mine tightly. “When they told me Ryder was the man you were with, I asked about him immediately. Of course, they wouldn’t tell me much, because I’m not family, but they told me a little bit.”

She flattened her lips, and I felt the dread grow even more in the pit of my stomach.

“Mom, please stop trying to scare me,” I pled. “Just tell me what they said! He’s at least still alive, right?”

She nodded.

I felt relief for a moment before all the other possibilities occurred to me, and I was worried again.

“Honey, you need to calm down,” she said gently, glancing at the heart monitor. “I know I told you that you weren’t too badly hurt, but you did receive some injuries. You need to try and relax, please.”

“How can I relax?” I demanded, scowling. “Mom, you know Ryder is a professional football player! If anything happened to him, can you imagine how devastated he would be when he found out?”

The monitor was beeping too fast, but I couldn’t help it. Ryder’s career meant more to him than anything. It was all he ever talked about in high school, becoming a great NFL quarterback. I couldn’t imagine him doing anything else and I was sure he couldn’t either. Sure, he’d had some problems over the years, but he’d made it, he was a star, now…

Mom didn’t seem to be thinking along the same lines, though. “If that happens, then the boy deserves it. Who gets in a car and drives after drinking!”

“Mom, it wasn’t his fault!” I said, trying to defend him, but even I knew it was.

But she just shook her head. “Alexis, you rammed into a tree. He wasn’t even in a seatbelt, so he got himself injured. But what would have happened, if he’d hit another car, instead? Or knocked into someone walking by the side of the road?”

I winced. If that had happened, there might have been more casualties. Someone might have even died, and in that case, Ryder would have gotten himself arrested. Again. He still might.

“Mom, please,” I said gently. “I know what he did was wrong, but he didn’t know what he was doing. His friends should have known better than to let him behind the wheel.”

“I would like to know where these so-called friends are!” she said, scowling at me.

I gave her a sad smile. “Mom, you’re looking at one of them. I was the only one there, and I couldn’t stop him. Hell, I got in the car with him! So part of that blame should fall on me.” And I did place part of that blame squarely upon myself.

She pursed her lips, and I knew she couldn’t refute the statement. Only, she couldn’t bring herself to blame me. In her eyes, I was the victim in this. I knew she was worried about Ryder, though, because that was just the type of woman she was. She just put more priority on her daughter, as usual.

“Please,” I continued. “Can you tell me how he’s doing right now? Anything at all.”

She sighed, her shoulders slumping as her expression turned bleak. “Bad,” was all she said.

I thought my heart would break.