---

‘I don’t think I should come in with you when we get there,’ Zach says. ‘But I’ll wait in the car park for you. And you’ve got my mobile number now, so you can just text if you need me.’

We’re on our way to the police station and it’s taken him days to convince me to go. Even though I would have come on my own, it’s nice that he’s here with me. But I’ve spent my whole life not depending on anyone so I won’t allow myself to need him now.

‘What if I’m in there for hours?’ I say. This is more than likely; there’s a lot of ground to cover. ‘You should probably go, I’ll be fine.’ And I will – I always am. ‘Anyway, don’t you need to be at home? It’s Saturday. Surely that’s a family day?’

He lets out a heavy sigh. ‘Unfortunately my work and the book mean there’s not really such a thing as a family day. Anyway, Mia’s taking Freya out this morning, so no, I don’t need to be there. She’s got it covered, she always has.’ He sighs again. ‘I actually don’t know how she does it. Leave me alone with Freya for five minutes and I’m pulling my hair out, wondering what I’m supposed to do, why she won’t stop moaning or crying.’

Although I hate to think of Zach in distress at all, I feel a tiny flutter at hearing that his family life might not be so perfect. Shit, I must be a horrible person. ‘Well, obviously I don’t have my own yet, but I pretty much did everything for Kieren when he was a baby so I know how hard it is. At least, it is when you’re trying to be a good parent.’ Of course, Liv didn’t care. Kieren could be wailing his head off for hours and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid, wouldn’t even attempt to find out what he needed. It was always up to me to take care of him. But I never minded – I would die for that little boy.

‘It’s just effortless to Mia,’ Zach continues. ‘But for me… well, let’s just say I’m struggling a bit.’

Even though I’m grateful he is opening up to me, I hate to think of him going through any kind of shit. ‘I’m sure she appreciates that you’re trying,’ I say.

‘Oh, she does. Mia’s always telling me what a great job I’m doing, and that she couldn’t manage without me, but it’s not true because she totally would. Anyway, she never sees me struggling – I don’t want her to worry.’ He turns to me. ‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be going on about my crap when you’re about to walk in there.’ He gestures to the police station. ‘Sorry, Josie.’

I brush off his apology. ‘Remember what you said to me a while ago – you more or less said that we’re human beings and not meant to be perfect, so stop being so hard on yourself. Whatever you’re feeling now, it will pass. Trust me, I know.’

He stares at me for too long and my insides burn. It’s a painful feeling, but nice too. ‘You’ve got a wise head on your young shoulders,’ he says eventually. ‘You know, I actually kind of envy you in a way.’

‘What? Are you kidding me?’ I almost choke on my words. ‘You envy me?’

‘Hey, I said “almost”, remember? Anyway, maybe envy’s the wrong word. I just mean that you have a freedom I can only dream of. I had it once, of course, when I was younger, but I didn’t appreciate it then. Took it for granted, like most people do. Don’t get me wrong, I know what you’ve been through, and it was horrendous, I’m just talking about the freedom to wake up in the morning and do what you like. To go where you like, whenever you want.’ He pauses. ‘Oh, Josie, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that – it was insensitive of me. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t worry about it. Anyway, I might have that, but I’m not really free, am I? And actually, if you really think about it, none of us truly are. Doesn’t true freedom mean having no desires? Not wanting anything other than what we need to live?’

He laughs. ‘You’re right, Josie. And that’s exactly why you need to keep writing, keep creating. Don’t bottle up what you’ve got in your head.’

My cheeks heat up and I know I must be turning red but luckily we are approaching the police station so I try to focus on the task ahead.

Zach pulls into the only free parking space and turns off the engine. ‘Right, are you ready?’

‘Look, you need to go, Zach. Home or wherever. I’ll be fine.’

He turns around and points to the laptop sitting on the back seat. ‘I’m sure you will be but I’ve got writing to do. And after philosophising with you all the way here, I’m getting in the zone now, so off you go. Don’t put this off any longer, Josie. And one more thing – just ignore what I’ve said. I have no right to complain about my life, I truly am blessed.’

As I walk away from the car and light a cigarette, guilt consumes me. This kind man, who I’m growing more attached to every day, shouldn’t be here with me. He should be at home with his wife and daughter, giving them every second of his time that he’s not working or writing.

But as I turn around, ready to tap on his window and tell him to leave again, I see he is already focused on his laptop, and I can’t bring myself to disturb him. Perhaps he needs this time alone. After all, he wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to.

But why is he choosing to spend his time with you – his student, and a messed-up one at that – instead of his family? Ask yourself that question, Josie.

I ignore the voice in my head. I find it hard to even think of him as my lecturer now; it feels as though we’ve crossed a barrier somehow. Not physically, of course, but there is something emotional between us.

---

It’s harder than I thought it would be, being inside this police station. Although my previous statements were taken in the hospital, the atmosphere here is a stark reminder of what happened. But I get through it, grateful that the woman interviewing me has a kind voice and soft eyes that seem to smile even when her mouth is a straight line.

‘We’ll be looking into this immediately,’ she assures me. ‘I can’t make you any promises – with no evidence of anything, and no bruising on you this time, it will be very difficult to prove anything, even if you could identify the man. We’ll check CCTV around that area, but it sounds like he planned this carefully so I’m expecting him to have avoided all cameras.’

‘I’m sure he was Johnny’s cousin,’ I say. ‘There was too much of a resemblance for them to not be related.’

‘But you do understand that we can’t just start accusing all his family members of threatening you, can we? We can see if any of them are known to us but then how many cousins does your attacker even have?’

I admit that I don’t know, but it’s likely there are several as he comes from a big family. Although I never met any of them, I know he has three sisters and Liv was always going on about how large his extended family is. Nobody ever fucks with them, Josie, just you remember that.

The police officer is right: this is hopeless. Coming here is beginning to feel like a mistake. ‘It will be bad enough that I haven’t withdrawn my statement about Johnny,’ I tell her, ‘but when this man finds out I came to the police about him too, surely that will make things worse? There’s no way he was bluffing about carrying out his threat.’

‘Believe me, you’ve done exactly the right thing. Now, just be careful. No going out alone at night, just be sensible. And call us if anything else happens. But don’t leave it so long next time.’

‘I don’t have a choice but to just be careful, do I? It’s not as if you can offer me protection.’

She shakes her head. ‘Sadly, no. But here’s my card. Call me any time.’

Taking the card, I thank her and leave, grateful to be heading back outside, even though it scares me that nothing has been resolved. There is nothing to protect me and, as usual, the only person I can rely on is myself.

It’s cold out here, although the sun is so bright I have to squint to find Zach’s car. But it’s not in the same place I remember him parking, the only one that was free, by the entrance. Instead, there is a silver Golf parked there, the driver sitting inside, talking on his phone.

Puzzled, I shade my eyes and scan the car park, but there is no sign of Zach’s car. Wondering if he had to move it or leave to get something, I text him.

Finished now. Just wondering where you are?

After another scan of the car park, I sit on the police station steps and wait for a reply. But almost half an hour later I still haven’t heard from Zach.

---

‘We need to talk.’ Alison’s voice is firmer than I’ve ever heard it, as if she’s been practising, waiting for me to get home so she can try out what she’s rehearsed.

‘Can it wait? I’ve just done a shift at work and I’m knackered. I need to get something to eat and I’m really not in the mood for an argument.’ But more than that, I’m confused that I still haven’t heard back from Zach. Perhaps I typed in his number incorrectly when he gave it to me, but that doesn’t explain why he disappeared.

Why would he leave without a word? Especially when he knew I didn’t want to report that man in the first place. But I won’t text him again. He will contact me if he really wants to. And it’s been hours now, so if there had been an emergency I’m sure he could have found a way to let me know.

‘No, it can’t,’ Alison says. ‘Don’t you think it’s waited long enough?’ Her words are tough but her voice is less confident now. Her arms are folded across her body and I notice she’s already wearing her pyjamas, even though it’s barely 8 p.m.

‘I don’t even know what you’re talking about, but if this is about Aaron then I’ve said my piece. I told you what happened and if you don’t believe me there’s nothing I can do about that.’ I walk towards the fridge but don’t bother opening it. Not when Alison is right there, watching everything I do.

She takes a step back so she’s almost leaning against the kitchen door. ‘I know girls like you, Josie. I’ve met plenty of you. You think you’ve got it made, don’t you? That the world owes you and you can have anything you want.’ She snorts. ‘You think that you can use men to get your own way, but that doesn’t work with women, Josie. Unfortunately for you.’

Even more than her freaky words, it’s creeping me out the way she keeps saying my name. Every sentence she speaks blurs into the next because she couldn’t have got me more wrong. I am not the person she’s describing. ‘What are you talking about? I’m really not in the mood for this.’

‘Sooner or later it will all catch up with you, Josie.’

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Alison, I don’t have to listen to this! Look, if you hate me so much then why don’t you just move out? That will be the best thing for both of us.’

‘Don’t you think I’ve tried? That I’d be out of here in a second if I could? But there’s nowhere else at the moment and I’m not uprooting myself in the middle of term. Anyway, why should you get your own way? You’d love for me to move out so that I’m out of your hair – I’m just the annoying weird girl you can’t relate to. Well, tough! I’m not going anywhere for now.’

I could mention my deleted assignment now, tell her I know it was her, but I won’t give her the satisfaction. Much better to let her think she deleted something that wasn’t important. That I still haven’t even noticed.

‘Good for you,’ I say. ‘Now can I have some dinner in peace?’

‘You want peace, Josie? Good luck with that!’ She storms out, slamming the kitchen door behind her.

Deciding I’m not going to let Alison make me feel even worse, I focus on the hunger pangs I need to stifle. But when I open the fridge to check what’s in there, already knowing all the food will be Alison’s, I’m shocked to find it completely bare. Nothing but a yellowing milk stain in the door compartment where the bottles are usually kept.

Even though I already know what I’ll find, I check all the cupboards, just to be sure, and it’s the same story. Completely empty other than a few mugs and plates, all of them chipped.

I let out a howl of laughter – because this is the best Alison can do. I’ve been beaten half to death, threatened with worse, and she thinks getting rid of all the food in the house can even bother me?

My hysterical shrieks echo around the flat, and I can only imagine what she is doing now, holed up in her bedroom, wondering why I’m not reacting the way she expected me to.

And when I finally calm down, the realisation dawns on me that this situation is actually not funny at all.

Alison Cummings clearly has issues, and I’m stuck here living in this place with her.