---

Zach is avoiding me. It’s been days since he dropped me off at the police station, and I haven’t heard a thing from him. It’s fine that he hasn’t texted – perhaps he feels weird doing that, and he did tell me he was giving me his number for emergencies – but in his lectures he acts as if I’m invisible. As if no hint of anything has passed between us.

But I won’t contact him again. I don’t force myself on people; if they don’t want to be around me then that’s their call, but some kind of explanation would be nice. So that’s why I’m standing outside his empty office, hoping to catch him, clutching my course module guide to my chest so it looks like I need to speak to him about an assignment.

Alison walks past, staring at the floor, pretending she hasn’t noticed me, even though our shoulders touch as she brushes past me. I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve seen her at university, so it’s weird that she’s here now.

I watch her head down the corridor and am surprised to feel a glimmer of sadness. Perhaps we could have been friends, if only she’d given me a chance. Or I’d given her one.

I haven’t given any thought to how long I’ll wait for Zach, but I’ve checked his timetable and he has no lectures until 3 p.m. so I have an hour left to hope he turns up.

I sense him before I see him, coming from behind me. I know it’s him before he appears and reaches for his door handle, barely acknowledging that I’m standing right here. But there is a faint flicker of a smile – he’s not that evil that he would completely ignore me.

‘Zach, hey! Can we talk?’

He immediately looks uncomfortable, or more uncomfortable than he did already, and flicks his wrist to look at his watch. ‘Hi, Josie. Um, I don’t have long. Someone’s coming for a tutorial in ten minutes.’

But I won’t be fobbed off. ‘That’s okay, this won’t take that long.’

He notices the course guide in my hand and his shoulders drop slightly. ‘Sure, come in.’ Maybe he’s just remembered that he’s still my lecturer.

For some reason, despite it being about two degrees outside, the window’s open in his office and it feels like a fridge in here. I give an involuntary shiver and wrap my too-thin and too-short coat tighter around me. ‘What happened?’ I say, as soon as the door clicks shut.

‘Have a seat, Josie.’ He gestures to the chair I’ve sat in several times before, never once feeling the way I do now. Out of sync with everything, like nothing is right.

‘Okay, I think I owe you an apology,’ he says, once I’ve sat down. ‘I know I promised I’d wait until you came out of the police station and I’m so sorry about leaving, but… Well, the truth is I have no excuse. I just had to go. Again, I’m sorry. I hope it went okay.’

I stare at him, unable to understand where this is coming from. ‘You just had to go. Okay. Right.’

‘I needed you to go to the police, Josie, that was the main thing. That’s all that matters here. You did do it, didn’t you? Please tell me you went through with it.’

I don’t answer. It feels like this is no longer his business. He’s clearly decided to wash his hands of it, and me, so I won’t provide him with details now.

‘Well, I hope you did,’ he says when he realises he’s getting nothing out of me. ‘I really hope you’ll be okay now. But…’

Ever since I was a child I’ve always believed there was one thing I could do quite well – and that’s being able to know what people think of me. To see beyond their words, their actions, and know for sure whether they like me or not, and to what degree. It’s not something I’ve ever questioned, and maybe everyone has this ability, but right now I know that Zach Hamilton has feelings for me that go beyond student and lecturer, beyond friendship. Despite the fact that he’s trying his best to dismiss me.

I could stop him right now and save him the trouble of what he’s about to say, but I need to hear it. He needs to be honest with me, just as I’ve been with him about my past.

He lets out a huge sigh. ‘Oh, Josie, you’re… I just think we need to take a step back a bit. I’m happy to help you with any university things, but I… I think we need to… I’m just… I feel like I’m in a bit of a sticky situation here. It’s tricky with friendships, isn’t it? People get invested in each other and then all kinds of things can happen. I just… I need—’

‘I get it,’ I say. He needs his life to go back to the way it was before he met me, before I crowded his mind too much with my baggage. With me. But I want him to say it. ‘But just tell me one thing. I’m not imagining things, am I?’

He glances at the door then gives the tiniest shake of his head.

Without another word I stand up and leave. I completely understand it now.

---

A few hours later I have reached a new low. It’s one thing to drown your sorrows with alcohol in a club or bar, but another to do it totally alone in your bedroom, the soundtrack to your despair your flatmate’s hushed tones as she speaks to someone on the phone, trying her best to make sure you can’t hear a word.

But here I am, sprawled on my bed and drinking straight from a bottle of vodka, my throat burning as it goes down. Usually the stuff makes me gag, but tonight it’s an anaesthetic, taking me further away from Zach, and Alison, and Liv.

In the next room, Alison’s voice starts to get louder, and there can only be one reason for this. ‘I just can’t stand her,’ she says – and I don’t have to be a genius to know she’s talking about me. There’s a long pause while the person on the other end of the line speaks. It must be one of her parents; nobody else calls her.

I tune out when she begins again, blasting music from my mobile to mask her nasty comments. I’ve already heard her opinion of me, straight to my face, and I don’t need to hear any more. Nothing she can say about me makes me the person she thinks I am.

For the next couple of hours I stay like this, barely moving, letting music and vodka wash over me. I close my eyes and pretend I’m somewhere else – a scorching beach in a place I’ve never been. I’m twenty-one years old and I’ve never felt sand beneath my feet. And although I come from a coastal town, the beach is a pebble one and I’ve rarely dipped a toe in the sea.

There is so much I haven’t done because of Liv, so much of my life wasted so far. I need to sober up, because I’m just wasting more time like this, but my body is too heavy, and moving seems way beyond my control.

Just give in to it, Josie. You are more like her than you want to believe. You are your mother’s child.

This is the thought I close my eyes to, and when they snap open again it’s because my phone is vibrating. It’s a text message, and when I realise who it’s from I stare at the words, wondering if the alcohol is playing tricks on my mind. But the message is still there when I look again. I sit up straight and force my eyes to focus.

We need to talk. Please. It’s urgent.

---

I could be walking into a trap. I know this, but I still push through the doors of the pub, scanning the room quickly so that I’m not taken by surprise. And there she is, cradling a pint of beer, her hair tied up in a scruffy knot on top of her head. She suits this place, looks comfortable in it, and blends into the background even though she has never set foot in here.

But am I any better? I’m still in a half-drunken daze and don’t quite know how I’ve managed to get here, but somehow I did. The tiny amount of sleep I had, and the cold, bitter air, has helped.

She looks up as I approach her table but doesn’t smile. Of course she doesn’t. Even though she is the one who asked me to come here. I should have ignored her message. This can only lead to trouble. But it’s the first time she has shown willing to talk to me since my attack.

‘Well, well, well… I didn’t think you’d come,’ she snorts. ‘You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?’

I slide into a chair opposite her. ‘I’m not scared of you, Liv. Or that man you sent after me. Or Johnny, or anyone else.’

She laughs and swigs her beer. But it’s all an act. She wants something from me – no, needs something from me – otherwise we wouldn’t be here. I have the upper hand. I have to keep that in mind, whatever she says.

‘No, you’re actually not scared, are you?’ She scrunches her face. ‘You’ve come here on your own, not knowing what to expect. That’s either brave or stupid.’

‘What do you want, Liv?’ I sit back in my chair, trying to relax my body so my mind will follow suit.

‘Don’t you even want a drink? Although from the smell of you I’d say you’ve already had more than enough tonight, haven’t you? Like mother, like daughter. You’re so busy trying to prove you’re nothing like me when we both know the truth, don’t we?’ Her laugh is coarse and throaty. Too many years of smoking… I really have to quit.

‘No, Liv, that’s where you’re wrong. And I’d top myself if I thought for one second I was anything like you.’

She doesn’t answer and the smirk remains on her face. Nothing I ever say bothers her. She doesn’t care who or what she is. But we’ve all got a weakness, haven’t we? And I know exactly what hers is.

‘Why have you come all the way to London tonight? You’ve never stepped out of Brighton before, so what the hell do you want? And who’s looking after Kieren?’

She takes another sip of beer and swills it around her mouth. ‘Actually, I’m here to reason with you, Josie. We’re family, after all, aren’t we?’ She can’t even say the word properly, it sounds like it’s sticking in her throat and she’s choking on the lie.

‘Just cut the shit and tell me what you want, Liv.’

Her eyes narrow and her mouth twists. ‘You need to go to the police, Josie. Tell them it was a mistake and Johnny didn’t do anything to you, like Richard said.’

And now it’s my turn to laugh. ‘Really? You came all this way to say that? Do you actually believe I’ll do it? You’re lucky you’re not rotting in prison with him. That’s what you deserve.’

She rolls her eyes. ‘Oh, this bullshit again. I’ve told you a thousand times I wasn’t at home, I didn’t see anything that happened to you. Why are you always lying, Josie?’ Her eyes burn into me, defying me to contradict her.

‘There’s no one listening, Liv. I’m not recording this.’ I pull out my mobile to prove it. ‘See. So why don’t you just admit you were there? I saw you.’

She throws her head back. ‘But how could you have seen anything after what that person did to you, whoever it was? You could barely open your eyes. Look, if you tell the police the truth then I suppose we can all make allowances for you, given the state you were in. I mean, you maybe just thought it was Johnny, right? Maybe it was someone who looked like him? But you’ve got to stop lying, Josie. About Johnny, and about me being there.’

I’m transported back. I see the outline of my mother, her thick frame familiar and unmistakable. I can even hear her laugh – the nasty chuckle she gave as she relished in my battering. She’d finally paid me back for being born.

I shake my head. ‘I know what the truth is and that’s all that matters. Just because the police couldn’t prove you were there it doesn’t make you innocent.’

Her eyes narrow. I know she must be finding it hard not to explode in public. ‘I thought you’d run off to start a new life, Josie?’

‘Yes, I did, and I have. I’m at uni now, Liv, something you could never have even dreamed of. So—’

‘Then what the hell is it to you if Johnny gets out of prison?’ She shouts this at me; I knew it was only a matter of time. Thankfully, it’s too noisy in here for anyone to notice, or care. ‘He won’t come after you, he wouldn’t want to go anywhere near you after what you’ve done, so why can’t you just leave us to it?’

Her question doesn’t even deserve an answer. ‘It’s Kieren I feel sorry for, stuck there with you. He deserves better.’

She snorts again, an animal disguised as a human. ‘Kieren is just fine. D’you know what? He’s actually a decent kid, not like you were.’

I should walk away now; I don’t have to sit here and let this woman, one who’s supposed to be a mother, insult me, but I need some answers and I’m too stubborn to leave without them.

‘What did I do that was so bad you had to neglect me, emotionally abuse me and then let that monster almost batter me to death? And don’t give me that shit about me being mouthy. Yeah, I speak my mind, but I wasn’t out of control. I generally kept to myself as a kid and hardly bothered you.’ I take a breath. ‘I know you think having me ruined your life, but surely you’re not stupid enough to think that’s my fault? I didn’t bloody ask to be here. And you had a choice to make – you could have just got rid of me.’ I stare at her cold, piercing eyes and wait for a response.

‘It was too late to get rid of you by the time I realised I was pregnant. So actually, I didn’t have a bloody choice. And you were a rope around my neck.’

I stand up and turn away. This is the only answer I’ll ever get from her and I don’t need, or want, to hear any more. I accepted long ago that she’s a despicable creature and I’m not wasting any more time on her.

‘You might want to hear what else I’ve got to say before you walk off.’

I turn back and there’s a smug smile on her face. ‘I’ve tried to warn you, Josie, but you’re just not listening. I can’t control what Richard does, but believe me he’s not going to let this go. No chance. Sooner or later it will catch up with you.’

‘I’m not interested,’ I say. I’ve had these threats ever since I reported the attack and nothing’s happened yet, so I’m not going to be bullied by her or anyone else.

She nods her head, as if she’s known I would say this. ‘Not even for your brother’s sake?’

‘What’s that supposed to mean? This has got nothing to do with Kieren.’

‘I can’t be responsible for anything that happens. This is Richard’s business as much as it is mine. So maybe you want to go away and have a think about it all.’ She stands up and pulls on her coat. ‘See you, Josie.’

And then she is gone, leaving me standing in the pub, hoping I’m wrong about what the woman is capable of.