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Of all the things Alison has come out with, this is the biggest shock. She’s now claiming to have spoken to Zach on the night he died. It feels as though I’m going to vomit, but I have to keep in mind she could be lying, and the more she says, the more I have to believe that.

‘How is that possible? There’s no way. You couldn’t have been there.’

‘Mia, I’m telling you I was. Only for a few minutes, but I was. I know how this sounds, but you have to believe me. What reason would I have to lie?’

Because you’re deluded, and for some reason you’ve picked me to play your sick games with.

I force myself to tell her I’m listening. And even though the windows are open as usual, and there must be noise drifting in from the busy road and park outside, I can only hear silence until she continues. Loud and threatening silence.

‘I was at Josie’s flat that night and I spoke to your husband. It must have been way before he… before he died, and as I said, it was only for a few minutes, but that was long enough for me to be convinced that he had no intention of harming himself.’

I take a deep breath. Whatever she has to say – lie or not – I need to hear it, every last detail. ‘Start from the beginning, Alison, and don’t leave anything out. If you’re going to tell me this then I need to hear everything this time, not just snatches of information as and when you feel like giving them to me.’

‘But anything I say is still confidential, isn’t it?’ Her forehead creases.

I nod. ‘Unless I think you had anything to do with what happened.’

Her pause reveals that she’s nervous. If she’s lying, surely she has nothing to fear except being caught out in her deceit? ‘Okay, well, that’s not the case.’ She tucks a loose strand of thick red hair behind her ear. ‘I really didn’t like Josie, that’s no secret, and she felt the same about me. We’d been placed together in that flat so didn’t really have much choice about living together. I tried several times to get a transfer but there was nothing close enough to the uni. Eventually I took out another student loan just so I could get my own place. It was a tiny one-bedroom flat, and far too expensive, but at least I was away from her. And after my experience living with her, I definitely wasn’t going to share with anyone again. Even if it bankrupted me.’

Part of me wants her to hurry up and get to the Zach part, but I need this information too, so I have to be patient. I need to take note of every word she says, in order to be able to trip her up in any lies. The only things I’d ever learned about Josie were that she’d left home and didn’t keep in touch with her family. At the time of Zach’s death it was reported that she’d suffered a brutal attack a few years before but the police didn’t think there was any connection; the man responsible was behind bars.

‘Why did you hate her so much?’ I ask. I have to know. What can make someone so loathsome to one person yet so appealing to another?

Alison looks me up and down. ‘Haven’t you ever met someone and they instantly repel you? Maybe there’s no simple explanation for it, but no matter how hard you try, you just can’t get along with them? Everything they do or say just puts you on edge.’

This hasn’t happened to me but I understand what she means. The closest I’ve come to it is happening here, right now. ‘Well, we’re not meant to get along with everyone. We just need to try and be courteous, treat people with respect.’

She doesn’t look convinced. ‘Even if they don’t deserve it?’

‘Yes, Alison. It’s not for us to judge other people. Anyway, please carry on. Where are you going with this?’

‘I’m getting to it. But you need to know everything first, you need the whole picture. I don’t want you to jump to conclusions about me.’

‘I just said I don’t judge, Alison. And it looks like you’ve got no choice but to trust that I mean that. So, please, go on.’ I am trying my absolute best to remain calm and patient, because no matter what we’re discussing here, Alison is still my client. She is clearly still in need of some sort of help.

‘Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter why we disliked each other, just that we did. So I’d moved out weeks before the night she… whatever happened to her, but I’d kept a front-door key. I’d had a spare one cut for my parents, for emergencies, and forgotten to give it back to the landlady.’ She pauses, as if waiting for some admonishment, but keeping a door key is the least of my concerns.

When I don’t respond she continues, ‘It’s just coincidence, but that night I let myself into the flat. I’d lost a bracelet my mum had got me and I wanted to check the flat to see if I could find it. I was sure it was in there somewhere. I was planning to knock on the door and ask Josie if she’d seen it, but when I got there I saw her running off in the other direction, so I knew it was safe for me to let myself into the flat.’ She stops talking and looks at me. ‘I’m not proud of myself for any of this. But I was young and a bit… naïve, probably.’

This is not the word I’d use, but again, none of that matters.

Alison tilts her head to the side. ‘You don’t believe me, do you, Mia? But I swear it’s the truth.’

None of what she says sounds genuine, but I can’t tell her that. I need her to keep talking. ‘What did you do next?’

‘I let myself in. And got a huge shock when I walked into the front room and saw Zach there.’

My stomach flips. ‘What… what was he doing?’

‘He was just sitting on the sofa, leaning forward with his head buried in his hands, as if he was in pain. I can still picture him. I didn’t recognise him until he looked up, but then I realised he was a lecturer from uni. I didn’t know him but I’d seen him around quite a bit.’

It’s a struggle to force the words out. ‘Why didn’t you tell the police this, Alison?’

She lowers her head and stares at her feet. The boots she’s wearing are more suited to winter than this summer we’re having. ‘I’m not proud of myself, Mia. I know now that I should have gone to them and told them everything, but don’t you see the predicament I was in? I couldn’t let anyone know I was there and get caught up in the investigation. The police would have found out I hated her and then what? I’d have been a suspect. And I couldn’t prove where I’d been that evening, as I was just alone in my flat. They would have hounded me non-stop.’

Like they did to me, as the wife of a man who became involved with one of his students, a man who took someone’s life and then ended his own when he couldn’t face the consequences of what he’d done.

‘But they already had their suspect,’ I say. ‘My husband.’

She shakes her head. ‘But there was no real proof that he did it, was there? Other than him being in her flat. And he wasn’t alive to tell them I was innocent, that I was long gone before anything happened. With Zach dead, the police were looking for another suspect, and they would have pounced on me, rightly or wrongly. At least then another crime wouldn’t go unsolved.’

‘Alison, that’s a bit cynical, isn’t it? The police only want to see the guilty punished. I think you’re being paranoid.’ Dominic’s words flash into my head – how Alison has rarely made sense, rarely been okay since he’s known her. Was he telling the truth after all? ‘Anyway, without a body it would never have got as far as going to trial. Even for Zach, if he’d lived.’

‘That didn’t stop them accusing him, though. As far as the media and the public are concerned, he’s guilty. I was too scared to let that happen to me. Even if I wasn’t sent to prison for something I didn’t do, how would I have got a good job?’ She pauses. ‘As it turns out, I ended up working in temporary admin jobs. What a waste of three years. But like I said, I was terrified. That’s why I kept quiet. Until now.’

‘At least you would have had a voice to defend yourself. Zach never got the chance, Alison. He’s gone to his grave guilty, whether or not he actually is.’ It’s ironic that, despite everything, I still defend Zach in this way. I wish he’d had a chance to explain.

‘So you don’t believe he did it?’ Alison says. ‘That’s good. So you must believe me that he also didn’t kill himself.’

‘The truth is, Alison, I stopped knowing what to believe long ago. At first I couldn’t get my head around how Zach could have done that, but then I never would have believed him capable of getting involved with one of his students. I had to face the fact that I didn’t know my husband at all. But you still haven’t told me how you’ve drawn this conclusion about his suicide.’ I don’t know how I’m remaining so calm, despite it feeling as though the walls are crumbling down around me.

‘I’m getting to that. So, like I said, he was there on the sofa. He looked pretty upset. I couldn’t say anything at first as I was so shocked to find him there, but then he said hello and asked me if I was a friend of Josie’s. He was so polite, even in that bizarre situation. And when I explained who I was, and what I was doing, he just told me sometimes we find ourselves in weird situations, but we have to take a step back and question what we’re doing so we can get ourselves out. Something like that. I can’t remember his exact words but it was along those lines. I don’t even know why he said all that when I was just looking for my bracelet, but maybe Josie had already told him how much she hated me.’

I almost smile now because this sounds exactly like something Zach would say. He was always philosophising, always analysing everything. Alison must be telling the truth, at least about seeing Zach, otherwise how could she be able to give him words that are so accurate? I ask her what else he said.

‘He said he knew he probably shouldn’t be in the flat but he was only there to help Josie. She was having some troubles and he was worried about her. Really worried about her. I must have looked sceptical because he pulled out his phone and showed me a picture of you and your little baby girl. He said he would never do anything to hurt either of you.’

Tears are rolling down my cheeks now but I can’t stop them.

Although Alison must notice, she carries on. ‘Until that point I thought maybe he was protesting too much, and that maybe there was something weird going on between them, but do you know what? As soon as he mentioned you I believed him, even though I didn’t trust Josie. There was no way he could fake the shine in his eyes as he looked at your photo.’

But that doesn’t mean he was innocent. It just means that somehow, in the midst of it all, he still loved me.

Alison, unaware of the conflict within me, continues. ‘I asked him where Josie was and he said she’d be back in a minute. I almost mentioned that I’d seen her staggering off, but for some reason I didn’t. Now, obviously, I wish so badly I’d asked him, but, well, it’s too late now.’

‘So what happened next?’ I say.

‘I didn’t want Josie to come back and find me so I told Zach I was leaving. He promised not to mention I’d been there if I’d do the same about him. Now why would he do that if he was planning to kill himself in that flat? It wouldn’t have mattered who I told then, would it? That just doesn’t add up, does it?’

Alison is right: if everything she’s telling me is true then it does suggest Zach didn’t take his own life. I feel another panic attack coming on, and this time I can’t suppress it.

Immediately, Alison notices. ‘Mia, can I get you something? I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.’ She rushes to the corner where I keep the drinks and pours me a glass of water. ‘Here, have this.’

I sip it gratefully and wait for the attack to pass. ‘I’m okay,’ I say eventually, once I’m in control of my breathing again. ‘I just… have a condition. This happens quite a lot. I’m fine, though.’

She reaches out her arm and takes my hand. ‘Has this been happening since Zach died?’

There is no way I should answer her question; it’s too personal and I can’t let this woman, about whom I know nothing and cannot trust, into my life in this way. But somehow I’m nodding.

‘That’s understandable, after everything you’ve been through.’

I’m relieved that she doesn’t question me further. She’s respecting a boundary; this is not a sign of diminished mental capacity. Once again, I don’t know what to believe.

‘Mia, that’s it, I’ve told you everything now. From the short time I was there, I’m convinced that Zach wasn’t about to take his own life.’

‘But you don’t know what happened after that. Things could have changed. Maybe when Josie came back she said something to tip him over the edge.’

‘Mia, he was nowhere close to the edge.’

I let her words sink in, let it all consume me. I’ve got to be strong here, I can’t fall apart now. ‘What am I supposed to do with this information, Alison? Do you realise I could go to the police and tell them what you’ve told me? You kept information from them and you saw both Zach and Josie on that day.’

She nods. ‘Yes, you could easily do that. But think about it, Mia. If I had done anything to either of them then why would I have told you any of this? I would want to be as far away from you as possible, wouldn’t I? The reason I’m here, finally doing the right thing, is because I think Dominic had something to do with it. I just don’t know what. And like I said before, I need your help to find something we can go to the police together with.’

Her words echo around the room, ramming into my skull, paralysing me.

‘I… I need time to think. This is a lot to digest. I think you should go now, but I’ll call you.’

There is no mistaking the disappointment on her face. I don’t know what she expected me to do, but this is the best I can offer.

‘Okay,’ she says, when she eventually stands up. ‘I understand. This is a hell of a lot to take in. Please just don’t leave it too long. I can’t be around that man much longer, Mia. I’m really afraid of him.’

She leaves my office and closes the door, and I can almost hear the time bomb she has set off, ticking louder and louder.