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I sit on the balcony and watch Freya and Will playing football on the beach below. Her sun hat is too large for her and keeps falling off, but each time it does, Will picks it up again and places it back on her head.

This place is a paradise, and it’s impossible to feel anything other than calm here, with miles of sandy beaches stretching in both directions, and the sea clean and warm. We couldn’t be further from London, physically and metaphorically.

It was Will’s idea to come to the Maldives. We needed to get away, he’d said. Far away. He knew exactly what I needed: distance from Alison and everything that went before. So now I sit here with a cocktail in my hand and my feet up on the opposite chair, warming my skin in the sun.

For years I couldn’t let myself think about the night Zach died; it was too painful, and reliving it would only cause even more of me to crumble away, to die inside, but now, in this beautiful place, I will allow myself to think of it. This will be a final goodbye to Zach, before I start my new life with Will.

Zach and I had always been close. He used to tell me I completed him, that he couldn’t imagine existing without me, and then we’d laugh about it because it sounded like something from a soppy romance novel. But he meant it, and I felt the same way. I let myself go with Zach in a way that I never had with anyone else. In my previous relationships I had always kept people at a distance. Not because I’d been badly hurt before, but because I didn’t believe in them. But then Zach appeared and I fell hard. He might not have realised how hard, of course, because I’m too controlled to let emotions get the better of me, but I knew I was in deep.

And that was fine. For a long time, everything was perfect.

But then something changed. It wasn’t noticeable at first, so I can’t pinpoint exactly when it happened, but slowly Zach became more distant. I assumed it was because he was struggling with his novel, but he’d been working on it as long as I’d known him, so I wasn’t completely convinced it was that. Then I thought it must be because of Freya; Zach adored her but he couldn’t quite juggle parenthood and the rest of his life the way I could.

He never said this to me but I could tell he was simply going through the motions on autopilot, just trying to get through each day. I tried to make things easier for him; I made sure I took Freya out for hours every day so that he would have time to himself, time to harness his creativity. I did all the cooking and housework, but it made little difference. Zach continued slipping away from me.

I’d never been a jealous or insecure person. I always believed that if someone doesn’t love you any more then you have to let them go, let them be free. At least that’s what I thought I believed, until I convinced myself that Zach was having an affair. Then suddenly there was everything to fight for. And I’m nothing if not a fighter. I couldn’t let Freya lose her dad, not when I knew in my heart he still loved me; I had to find out what was going on.

The first time I saw Josie she was sitting in the park with him. I’d decided to surprise him and turned up unexpectedly at the university with something nice for his lunch. I convinced myself I was doing this as a thoughtful gesture, but the truth was I wanted to check up on him. Be careful what you wish for. They weren’t doing anything, or even sitting too closely together on that bench, but I knew something wasn’t right.

It wasn’t the way she was staring at him, her eyes full of adulation – I was used to Zach’s students idolising him. It was the expression on his face that gave it away. I hadn’t seen him look that calm, that at peace, for a long time. It reminded me of when we first met, how I was his whole world and nothing else seemed to exist.

This terrified me as much as if the two of them had been kissing. I don’t remember exactly how long I watched them for, but when I headed back home I felt dead inside. But I didn’t have the proof I’d need to confront him, and I wasn’t about to hysterically accuse him, like an out-of-control, irrational woman – I was stronger than that. I would get my evidence.

It was all I could think about while I sat trying to entertain Freya, to give my little girl the attention she needed and deserved. But I was so numb that I just couldn’t be mentally present in the room with her.

For days I checked Zach’s phone. But there was never anything that looked suspicious. Of course there wasn’t – he was too clever to leave a trail. This made me feel even worse, as if he was betraying me even more by hiding his tracks so well.

And then, weeks later, there was a text message from someone called Josie. I still remember the words. Finished now. Just wondering where you are? Yes, those two sentences could have been harmless, but Zach had never mentioned anyone called Josie before and I was sure he didn’t normally keep any students’ numbers in his phone.

So I did some investigating. I went through all Zach’s paperwork and found class lists of all his students with photos below their names. There were hundreds of them, and it took me ages to find her, but suddenly there she was, staring at me with a confident, pretty smile on her face. Josie Carpenter. The girl I had seen in the park.

But this still wasn’t enough evidence, so I started following him, whenever I had a free moment. I was lucky that Graham and Pam always watched Freya, and they never asked too many questions. They were only too happy to spend time with their granddaughter.

I thought I couldn’t feel any worse – and then I saw Zach go into her flat. He wasn’t there for long, but it was long enough for what I knew they must be doing in there. Of course I couldn’t see, but that just made things worse. My imagination conjured up the two of them together, Josie’s hands all over my husband.

I threw up all over the pavement. And then I left. I couldn’t risk him seeing me. Although this was all the evidence I needed, I no longer wanted to confront him. I couldn’t. He was Freya’s dad and leaving him would have far-reaching consequences for the rest of her life. I couldn’t do that to her, I had to keep our family together.

So weeks passed and I said nothing. It wasn’t because I was being weak, accepting what Zach was up to – it definitely wasn’t that. But my focus turned to Josie and I couldn’t get her out of my mind. She was barely into adulthood and it sickened me that Zach could find anything attractive in, anything in common with, someone so much younger than him.

But I knew there had to be something about her. Zach would never have been interested only in someone’s body; it was minds that attracted him. And this made me loathe her even more. This cut me even deeper.

I investigated that girl’s life. Googled her at every opportunity. She didn’t have a Facebook or Twitter account, but I did find an interesting article about an attack that had happened when she was eighteen. I should have felt sorry for her but instead I was even angrier. Here was a young woman who’d been through hell, so why was she now inflicting a different hell on someone else? Her family sounded awful; dysfunctional didn’t even come close to describing it, so she must have known what breaking up Zach’s marriage would do to Freya.

But she didn’t care. She continued to pursue my husband, weaken him, because I was sure he would have put up a fight – at least initially. Zach is not a nasty man. I’ve never doubted that he loved me and Freya.

What I didn’t bargain on, when I decided not to confront him, was that my whole life would fall apart. He became increasingly distant and I found it harder to cope. I’d never been depressed before but now I found myself sinking deeper and deeper into a bottomless hole.

How would I ever free myself? How would I ever get Josie Carpenter out of my head? She haunted my dreams, sabotaged every waking moment of the day so that I, too, was just going through the motions with Freya. Feeding her, keeping her clean, making sure she had enough exercise and play, but never really being present with her.

That’s what did it: the thought that I was losing time I’d never get back with my daughter. Josie Carpenter had now stolen my whole family.

It is surreal now to recall what happened next, as if it wasn’t me at all. I’m watching someone else take the steps I took. It’s not me I see stepping into that Internet café, researching drugs, checking whether or not they would leave a trace once they’re dissolved in water.

I smiled when I came across a suitable one: Ketamine, a horse tranquilizer. It would guarantee death almost instantly. Better that way. Kinder. I wasn’t a monster, after all – I had a heart. It proved difficult to get hold of any, but eventually I managed to find a dealer who could point me in the right direction.

The night I went to her flat was warm. I remember I didn’t need a jacket. Zach had taken Freya to his parents’ house and was planning on staying there. To give me a break, he’d said. ‘Because despite being superwoman, you look exhausted.’ He didn’t know the half of it.

Once again I was numb when I knocked on her door, observing myself from above, not part of any of this. Perhaps I wouldn’t have used the ketamine, maybe I needed it for reassurance, just in case, but when the door opened and it was Zach standing there, something inside me snapped.

His mouth hung open and he stumbled to get any words out. ‘Mia, what? What are you doing here?’

I didn’t answer but stormed past him, not even noticing my surroundings. I searched every room but there was no sign of Josie.

‘Mia, I can explain.’ Zach looked distraught, following me around, and this made me even angrier. If his being there had been innocent then he wouldn’t have been so anxious, would he? He would have already explained what he was doing in one of his students’ flats.

He grabbed my arm and led me into the living room. It was bare and ugly, with only a dirty cream sofa and a sideboard in it. Zach didn’t belong here. Neither of us did. Although we’d both lived in far worse places, we had long ago put our student days behind us.

Zach guided me to the sofa and then sat beside me. I let him because I was still numb – I still wasn’t me. We stared at each other for what seemed like minutes, but must have only been seconds, before he finally began to talk.

‘Mia, I’m not sure how you came to be here, but I promise you this is nothing weird. One of my students, Josie Carpenter, lives here and I’ve just been helping her out. She’s… she’s been having a really tough time this year and has been through a lot. I know what this might look like – oh God, I really do – but I am not involved with her. You have to believe that.’

I stared at him, somehow able to control my rage. ‘Where is she, Zach? Why are you here and she’s not?’

He took a deep breath. ‘Basically she got upset about something and stormed out. She left her keys so I was just waiting for her to come back. She won’t be able to get in if I go so I’ve had no choice but to stay here.’ His words seemed to merge together and I didn’t really hear any of them.

‘What was she upset about?’

My question hovered in the air between us. It was make or break time for Zach. He was either going to lie to me or tell me the truth.

‘This is really hard to tell you but she… she tried to kiss me. I’m so sorry, Mia, I should have known she was falling for me. I should have kept away from her. I’ll never forgive myself for letting it get that far. But I swear to you, I never touched her. Not once.’

And with that lie, Zach sealed his fate.

‘Okay,’ I said. ‘I’m going to go home now. We can talk about this later. Can I use the bathroom?’

Zach’s eyes widened. ‘Um, yeah. It’s the door past the kitchen on the left.’

I expected him to follow me, to not let me loose in his girlfriend’s house, but he stayed where he was, perched on the sofa with his hands resting on his knees. That was his next mistake.

The kitchen was bare, but clean in comparison to the rest of the place, and I silently searched through cupboards, looking for the right thing. When I spotted a small bottle of Evian in the fridge it almost felt too easy, like it was meant to be. Fate. There was nothing else there to drink, so she was bound to get to it eventually. It didn’t matter to me whether it was that night or the following week, as long as she drank it.

Reaching in my bag I pulled out the ketamine and poured it into the bottle, shaking it, even though it was colourless and odourless, so there would be no sign of it in the water. Then, feeling nothing in my heart and nothing in my head, I placed the bottle back where I’d found it.

Then I went to the bathroom, just to flush the toilet so Zach wouldn’t think I’d had time to go in the kitchen.

I walked right past him on my way out and glanced at him but didn’t stop to say anything. That’s what hurts the most now. I had no idea that would be the last time I’d catch sight of him. How could I have foreseen that he’d drink Josie’s bottle of water?

I just wanted Josie dead. Not Zach. Never Zach.

But that’s just what I’ll have to live with. That is my punishment. I’ll also never know what really happened to Josie, who disposed of her body and why.

Alison denies it, of course, and she’s had a complete breakdown now, which isn’t surprising after everything that’s happened, so she’s not fit to stand trial for anything. Besides, there’s no real evidence, is there? And that’s what it always comes down to.

There is a chance Zach didn’t drink the water until much later, so maybe Josie did come back and they had a huge fight. He would have known he’d lost me at that point, and maybe his pain turned into anger. But I cannot comprehend that it was Zach who did that to her; he was always so calm, never angry with anyone. But then again, who knows what’s really within us? I would never have thought myself capable of taking someone’s life either.

I’ve thought long and hard about what Alison meant when she begged me to tell the police the truth. She knows I was there that night, she must have seen me. One thing I can’t understand is why it took her five years to track me down, but then the workings of an unstable mind are never easy to fathom. It’s possible she didn’t know who I was until she came across my website – perhaps when she was looking for a new counsellor – and saw my picture. Then maybe it all clicked into place in her head.

Of course, she won’t have any evidence that I’m responsible for Zach’s death, but it doesn’t look good that I never came forward. But then neither did she.

This certainly helps explain the real reason for her tracking me down. When she told me she was there that night, of course I wondered if she might have seen me, but I had to bide my time. I had to wait to see what she would do, and always ensure I was one step ahead of her.

She wanted justice for Josie, and I was the one who had to pay. Perhaps she hoped I would confess, but her mental illness really obscured her judgement because she didn’t bargain on me pointing the blame at her.

It’s Dominic I feel sorry for. He knew she was troubled, but had no idea to what extent. It’s just sad that half of everything Alison said was actually true, and the rest she said only to catch me out. That’s why she initially tried to make out that Dominic was abusive, that he had something to do with Josie’s death. Everything she said, and did, was to set a trap for me. I’m still not quite sure what she hoped to achieve by claiming Dominic had something to do with Josie’s death, but it must have been an attempt to throw me off the scent. She didn’t want me to think she suspected me of anything. Not until she was ready to confront me.

What a tangled web we have woven. But at least now I have my closure. No more panic attacks. I am safe.