Chapter 19
Gage
“Are you stroking yourself?”
I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard something so sexy and downright arousing. The relief I had felt when Amber explained that she wasn’t missing her ex-husband, just me and only me, had been so great that I nearly came right then and there.
Cradling the phone to my ear, I hopped down from the kitchen bar stool to head up the stairs. “I’m in the kitchen. Wait a second for this.”
“Hurry it up, Gage. I’m already ready for you. Hot and wet and aching.”
Holy shit.
I jogged up the stairs quickly, but quietly, so as not to disturb Lily. She rarely woke up in the middle of the night anymore, but for good measure, I locked my bedroom door and the adjacent door. I didn’t want to be caught in this position. I didn’t even want to think about having to explain to my daughter what sex was. That was a conversation I hoped Amber would be around for.
I pushed my pants and boxers down to my knees. My erection sprung up, the tip already moistened in anticipation. The real deal was far better, but I had to settle on Amber’s voice instead tonight. I grasped the base. A shudder went straight up my body in response.
“I’m ready,” I breathed into the phone. “You go first. I want to hear you go over the edge first.”
“Are you sure about that?” Amber asked, her voice just as breathless. “It might take a minute or two.”
“I have a minute or two, if you do.”
“More than that. Everyone is asleep right now.”
“Perfect,” I said. “Do it, baby. Touch yourself for me.”
I heard her shift around on the other end of the phone. The intake of her breath was enough to make my cock twitch in excitement. I slowed my strokes down to listen to every little breath and gasp she took. It wasn’t until she moaned into the phone, slightly muffled to keep quiet that I picked up the pace in return.
“I wish you were here,” I panted heavily into the phone. “You have no idea. I wish it was your hand right now, not mine.”
“Just imagine my hand on you,” she urged. “Do it, Gage. I want to hear.”
I lucked out. The thought filled my mind quickly as I let pleasure take over me. Amber was smart, beautiful, and she was willing to play along with anything that came to mind. Any man dreamed of having a woman who would do whatever they wanted, but Amber had her own ideas about sex, too. Ideas that I loved.
My peak came hard. I bit my lip to keep myself from crying out. Amber waited patiently on the other end of the phone while I caught my breath.
“Amazing,” I said, pulling my pants up just in case. “It doesn’t matter if you’re here or not. You’re amazing no matter what.”
She giggled into the phone. “Well, I’m glad you think that. I was hoping we were going to have some time alone at the church.”
“As in sneak away with everyone there?” I shook my head in disbelief. “No way, Amber. I’m already assured a ticket to hell, but I’d like to delay that trip by not letting your father find out that way.”
“It might not be a good way to find out,” Amber replied, shifting around on the phone again. “We have to figure out a time to tell him, though. If you want to be with me, I mean.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. This was where things were going to get complicated. I wanted Amber. I wanted that relationship we both wanted to have with one another. But I wanted to prolong the inevitably ugly confession until we were sure that we wanted this.
“You know that I want you,” I said. “More than anything, but we need to feel like this is one hundred percent what we both want. It’s going to wreak havoc on everyone around us.”
“I know. I keep thinking about how confused Ethan already is about losing his father.” She sighed into the phone. “He doesn’t know what to think of you, either. He’s so timid about letting another man around him, besides for my father.”
“Ethan’s been through a lot with your ex-husband. I don’t blame him for wanting to keep his distance. Lily went through her phase of not wanting anyone else besides me for a while, too.”
“Don’t you wish you had their resilience though?” Amber asked wistfully. “I’d kill to have half of what Ethan has to get through the day. He just looks at life so innocently and simply.”
“I don’t know why that goes away with age,” I said quietly. “I wish that it didn’t, but we start to see the world as a cold place at times. Let’s just keep this between us for now. I know how much Lily really likes you, but—”
“I know. You don’t have to explain.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll call you tomorrow?”
“Text me first. I don’t want anyone to see that you’re calling my cellphone. It’ll cause some eyebrows to be lifted here.”
“Right. Have a good night.”
“Sweet dreams,” Amber murmured, softly. “I love you, Gage.”
Those soft little words tugged hard at my heart strings. She hung up before I could reply. She knew that I returned the sentiment but spared me the agony of replying. Guilt was building in me again. Our relationship was based off a lie right from the start. Not to each other, but to the ones that we loved that surrounded us. None of this was going to be easy. We had to be careful as we continued forward, but I didn’t want it any differently, either. I liked the privacy between us. This relationship was ours, and ours alone. No one else was involved in it.
Yet. That small word felt big and full of menace when I crawled into bed after hanging the phone up downstairs. No one was involved yet.
The first glimmers of spring became a welcoming sign months later. I stared across the backyard with a small smile of relief. After a long and grueling winter with constant snowfalls, it was nice to see the ground. Even it was muddy and filled with dormant, yellow grass. It was the first the sign of a much-needed change in the weather.
I cupped a hand over my eyes to watch as Lily darted through the muddy puddles in the direction of the garage. The dress that Amber had bought her fit perfectly. It fell to her knobby and bruised knees. Sunlight danced in the glitter and grey fabric. It was perfect for what we were about to do.
A cloud crossed through the sky, then. I followed Lily across the muddy ground to the truck with our bouquet of flowers in hand. She turned to look at me from the passenger seat with a hopeful smile.
“Do you think we will be able to see it?” Lily asked.
“I’m not sure,” I replied, turning the truck on. “The snow is still melting, but I think it’s a possibility.”
Lily settled in the passenger seat with a sigh. “I hope we can see it. Do you think we could go see Amber and Ethan afterward?”
“I’d say that’s a possibility also,” I said. “I’ll call in the parking lot when we get there.”
The roads were wet but clear of snow as I navigated through the winding mountains with ease. A comfortable silence fell between Lily and me as we approached our destination. I had prayed all week that the weather would cooperate, and now with the warm sunshine, my prayers had been answered.
The cemetery hill still had patches of snow, but the gravestones were visible at least. A trickle of snow water came down the steep slope of the hill as I drove through the gates to park in the nearby parking lot. Lily unbuckled herself quickly to open the passenger door.
“It’s warm out,” she declared, hopping out of the truck. “I want to talk to Mom first, alone.”
“I’ll give you a minute,” I said as she closed the door. I watched while cutting the engine off as Lily took one of the concrete paths up to Marcie’s tombstone. Tears filled my eyes when I watched her little hands gently sweep away the dirt and debris from being buried under the snow.
Time never made stepping into this place easier. Lily and I had made it a point to come for the past three years on the anniversary to say our peace. I never knew what Lily told her mother in hushed whispers, but I imagined it was girl things that I wouldn’t understand. Things that Dad never did right, but I tried to do right.
Taking the time alone, I pulled out my cellphone to call Amber. She picked up immediately after the first two rings.
“Hey,” she said.
I sank back in the driver’s seat in relief to hear her voice. “I didn’t know if you were going to be able to pick up.”
“Of course, I would. I know what today is for you and Lily. I made it a point to keep my phone on me in case you needed moral support.”
A stretch of silence followed.
“Are you okay, Gage?”
“It’s not easy coming here,” I said gruffly. I reached up to rub away the tears in my eyes. “It’s not easy watching my child talking to her mother’s tombstone because she doesn’t feel like I’ll understand.”
“There are things that you won’t understand,” Amber replied gently. “Young girls need mothers to navigate through all these confusing changes. It’s completely natural. I promise.”
“I just wish that she would trust me more, is all. I don’t want to lose my grip on what is going on with my own kid.”
“I’d tell you if she said something troubling to me, Gage. There isn’t anything going on that you should be worried about. I swear to you.”
“Thank you,” I said. “What are you doing right now?”
“I am reading over some sort of law my father is proposing in congress. He wanted a second opinion.”
“And tomorrow?”
“What about tomorrow?” she asked.
“Just tell Ethan that I booked us to go somewhere magical in Florida,” I said as Lily came down the hill. Her knees were muddy and wet. “That’s if you want to join Lily and me. I think it would be good for us to get away, but also the kids, too.”
“Are you asking me to go on a vacation with you?” Amber asked.
I could hear the smile in her voice as she asked the question. “Yes, I am. Just don’t give the surprise away. I haven’t told Lily yet.”
“You’re a wonderful man, Gage Devlin. I’m lucky to have you.”
We exchanged goodbyes before Lily hopped back up into the truck. I handed her a rag to wipe her knees down before I slipped out as well. The air felt warm, warmer than anywhere else. Mud squished beneath my boots as I crossed over the pathway to the small and modest gravestone that I knew by heart. Lily’s flowers, delicate pink roses, were propped up against the smooth stone.
I crouched down to place my hand on the stone, absorbing the warmth that I felt there. Peace settled over me then as I gazed down at the squishy ground with the sun bearing down on the back of my neck.
“You know that I will always love you,” I whispered, smoothing away the bit of dirt that Lily had left behind. “I will love you until the day die, but you already know that I have to move on. You told me to move on, but I just want you to know that I’ll be here every single year to tell you everything. Nothing will ever change what we had.”
I pressed a kiss to my fingertips before placing them on the gravestone. My knees ached when I stood to gaze down at the truck where Lily was waiting. The past few months had gone by fast. With each passing moment I spent with Amber, the more I felt that connection grow between us. I was falling in love with her outside of the excitement of it all. There was no doubt in my head that life without Amber wouldn’t be possible. I needed her. Lily even needed her. The two had grown incredibly close. I still couldn’t forget that look in Amber’s eyes when Ethan had curled up next to me on the couch for the first time.
Our lives were intertwined together now. I had planned the trip to Florida to get some much-needed private time, but I felt complete with Amber and Ethan. The hole in my heart was no longer bottomless. It was capped with Amber, even though it would be a hole for the rest of my life. I loved Marcie with every inch of me. I’d give my life to have her back here, but this was the reality I lived in.
Deep down, I knew the longer we carried this on, the worse it would get. The media still swarmed around Beau Roselynn, and Amber as well. Nothing would be easy if we told the truth.
I walked back down the hill with the sun on my back. There would come a time when it wouldn’t be a secret anymore, and I hoped that during that time, Amber would be right next to me. I couldn’t see my life without her or Ethan in it now. It was impossible.