CHAPTER NINETEEN

LAURA

 

 

OPENING MY EYES causes a different kind of dread to fill me. Craig leans over me, his eyes full of concern. He doesn’t speak but lets me get up. I can still feel Lucas’ breath on my face as I sit up in a bed.

“You okay?” I nod, unable to speak. Tears burn my eyes and throat. “You passed out,” he says when I don’t speak. I swallow.

“Yeah, that happens sometimes,” I try to force a smile. But Craig doesn’t smile back instead he pulls the lip ring in and out of his mouth. I focus on the movement. It calms me.

“Who is Lucas?” My eyes snap to Craig. I can feel myself pale. To hear someone say his name feels unreal. But Craig has said it, and now watches me, a strain on his face.

“He was a friend.” I speak, feeling breathless. Dizziness has me leaning back into my pillows.

“Like me?”

I give a humourless laugh. “No Craig, not like you,” I look at him now. He just nods. I must have spoken his name out loud, when I was out. “He hurt me,” I confess.

Craig stills, his chest doesn’t move as he speaks. “How?” A muscle twitches in his jaw and I regret saying it. I shift under his heavy stare.

“Look Craig, it was a long time ago and I just want to forget it,” I tell him.

“You’re calling this guy’s name out in your sleep. So you’re not forgetting it. You sounded fucking scared, Laura.” Craig stands now. I have no idea what to say. “If you don’t want to talk about it with me, I get it.  I really do. But talk to Rose.” I bit my lip forcing the tears back. “Promise me, Laura.”

Jesus, he was killing me. “Yeah, I promise,” I tell him. My vision wavers and I blink it back into focus, letting the tears fall.

“I think he was going to rape me that night.” I tell him in a whisper. “He held me down and he had this look in his eyes, I was so scared,” I blow air out quickly calming my racing heart. “I trusted him. But I shouldn’t have.” Craig nods, when I meet his eye but his stare is unblinking and I want him to just be Craig again. “He didn’t get to do anything. I got away.”

“What happened to him?”

I swipe away my tears. “Nothing.”

“You told your parents?” Craig questioned, and this was when it started to get a lot more painful for me. I ball my hands into fists and then release them; I can feel the heat pour into my cheeks now with embarrassment. Embarrassment that my family did nothing about it.

“Yeah, I told my mom and my brother. But…” My anger at the injustice has my tears drying up. “But it made no difference. It was just a story and he was back in my home, so I pretended like it never happened.”

“I’m so fucking sorry.” Craig sits down, with clenched fists, it’s the first time someone has been angry for me and it makes me want to cry. But I swallow the tears.

“It’s okay. It was a long time ago,” I tell him again.

“It doesn’t matter how long ago this happened. Your mother…” his jaw clenches. “If I ever meet your brother, I am kicking the shit out of him.” I smile, and a small laugh erupts from me.

“Thank you,” I tell him. He is the first person to ever come to my defence. He has no idea how much it means to me.

“I’m being serious, Laura.”

I swallow the tears. “I know you are, Craig. Thank you for brining me here.” I tell him as I look around at my room. He could have taken me to Rose, but he didn’t. My sandwich and bottle of water sit on my bedside table.

“You should eat something.”

I nod. “What did Michelle and Michael say?” I ask.

“Mass hysteria in the hallway. I thought Michelle was going to walk into a fucking wall she was that hysterical. I had to get Michael to calm her down.” I smile at Craig’s words and he smiles back at me. “Don’t worry I told them it was low blood sugar levels.” A part of me wanted to tell him I wasn’t sure how I would survive this place without him but instead I find myself nodding.

“I’ll give you some space.” I nod again as he stands, sticking his hands in his jeans pockets. He looks me over one more time before leaving.

After Craig leaves, I don’t eat like I should, instead I take out my notepad and jot down my thoughts. I’m starting to see how much it helps me. This notepad is starting to become my diary of poetry.

 

My lips tremble,

As the truth pours out,

You stare and listen,

I see your doubt.

 

Time I will give,

Compassion I will bestow,

But you turn your back,

Screaming no.

 

You believe my words,

You see what he has done,

But you don’t comfort me,

Instead you run.

 

I am left alone,

And filled with despair,

You selfish cowards,

You just don’t care.

 

I cry and scream,

My soul torn apart,

I cannot fly,

You have broken my heart.

 

So take it all,

Destroy me as you retreat,

Watch me fall to my knees,

And sob at your feet.

 

Inside I roar,

I fight to breathe,

But you walk away,

How typical. Indeed.

 

Two people stand,

Firmly by my side,

They guide me away,

And repair my pride.

 

They whisper words,

Of kindness and joy,

They believe what I say,

And refuse to live a lie.

 

I now know I am not alone,

And finally I have found my home,

But just one thing,

I need to say,

It’s the truth,

But maybe you won’t care.

 

Not right now,

But in time to come,

You will miss me so much,

You will become undone.

 

And then one day,

When you’re old and grey,

You will die,

But I won’t be there.

And on that day,

You will be judged,

Condemned to pay,

For what you have done.

 

So one more time,

Let me say,

How the fire will burn,

And you’ll all get burnt.

 

Oh it’s so sad. TOO BAD

 

I close the notepad, feeling angry but better. Craig is the second person ever in my life to really listen to me. Violet was my rock, she always stood firmly beside me, and now to have Craig not just listen, but not push my story under the carpet, makes me feel such gratitude. I have spent far too long feeling it was my fault, or that I was overreacting.  In my head I’d reasoned with Lucas’ actions thinking he had after all only damaged my top. But that was on the outside; inside he had left a scar, one that had never healed.

 

Someone is shaking me awake. I open my eyes to Rose. Sitting up, I look around my room. The sandwich and bottle of water still sit on the side locker where Craig left them. Rubbing my eyes, I put my legs on the floor.

“You didn’t come to your session.” Rose explains why she’s here. I uncap the water and let it refresh my dry mouth.

“I’m sorry. I must have fallen asleep.” I tell Rose finally looking up at her. She nods softly.

“Do you want to meet me in my room in fifteen?” No.

“Yeah perfect.” I tell her just to get her out. I sit for a moment letting the sleepiness fall away as I stretch out my muscles. Freshening up in the bathroom leaves no time for the sandwich that I should have eaten.

***

“How are you feeling?” Rose asks the moment I sit down.

I feel more awake now. “Good.”

“I heard you passed out today.”

The room spins slightly this time it’s a lack of food, my cheeks heat up at being caught out in a lie.  Now I wonder who told her. Craig wouldn’t do that? I trusted him. Maybe Michelle?

“Oh that. I was just a bit dizzy.” I pour myself a drink of water.

“Have you eaten much lately?”

“Not as much as I should have. I’ll make sure I eat more.” I take a drink of water. A weakness has entered my legs, my limbs tremble and I stop the shaking with my hand.

“How has the diary been working out for you?”

Spots splash across my vision and I blink them away.

“Good. I’ve written a bit. It’s helping.”

“Helping how?” Rose smiles gently while tilting her head.

I let out a heavy breath, I’m tired of thinking. “I’m very angry and hurt, and it’s allowing me to vent that anger on my pages and hope that I get some justice.”

Rose scribbles away in her notebook and I look away from her.

“Justice never really happens.” I say.

“What is justice to you, Laura?”

“People who did a wrong being punished.”  I answer.

“What would you consider a fitting punishment?”

I scratch my neck, shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“It would depend on the crime?” Rose asks.

“Yeah I suppose.” I glance at Rose while frowning.

“What is the crime you want justice for?”

I shrug again and want to pull my sleeves down over my hands but they are too short, so I pull at a loose thread instead. “I don’t know.” I frown at my top, my head hurts.

“Laura.” I look at Rose as she calls me and cross my arms over my chest.

“What?” I bite the inside of my mouth as my voice rises. “I’m too tired today, Rose.” I shake my head as I get up. I can’t do this today.

Rose stands too before giving me a nod and a soft smile, “Get some rest, and I’ll see you in a few days.”

I breathe through my nose as I make my way back to my room. I keep spelling Violet’s name over and over again out loud. Right now I don’t care what anyone thinks, I just care about emptying my mind.