LAURA
Craig moves past, without even seeing me, I had pushed my hair out of my face, getting ready to meet Pauline, a carer here who was going to give me some clothes. I was going to say hi, but he didn’t see me, he didn’t see anything around him. He was too focused on something else, something I couldn’t see. Why I stood and watched him, I don’t know.
Once he disappears I continue down the corridor, taking a left at the end and then the first right. This place is like a maze; the small map I had drawn on my hand is fading from the gathering sweat.
The door to room number 212 is open, so I step inside counting eight rows of tables with five large tables in each row. Every available space is covered with stuff. Two women work through them and don’t turn as I come in. The first table I walk up to is filled with books. Picking up the first copy, I flick through it. The title, Oversight, is enscripted in gold on the side. I place it back on the table as one of the ladies takes four more steps before she’s beside me.
Her short blond bob is tucked behind her ears, when she reaches out her hand. I cringe inside and don’t face her. “You must be Laura?” She leans in to try and see my face. When I don’t turn she drops her hand. I hate being rude, but my sweaty hands are not touching another human being. I quickly count to two before tucking my hair back and looking at Pauline with a smile. Pauline wears a sensible pair of jeans, not too tight and not too baggy-just right. Her round-neck beige sweater fits her just right, also.
“You must be Pauline.” I say and she smiles, before looking me up and down.
“I’m guessing a size 6?” She narrows her eyes while slightly leaning back and I nod.
“An even number,” I find myself saying, and she laughs. It isn’t a mean laugh; it comes from her belly. I wonder what it must feel like to laugh like that.
***
I change into a fresh pair of jeans and a purple shirt. It feels weird wearing someone else’s clothes, but I can’t’ stay in one outfit constantly. Pauline has been great and has given me four pairs of jeans, tracksuit bottoms, and three sets of bed wear along with ten tops, a jacket, three bras, and-surprisingly-a pack each of new underwear and socks. She has also given me some toiletries and a pair of sneakers. The sneakers aren’t my exact size, but they are black and clean. No stains.
Once I leave Pauline I make my way to the bathrooms. Washing my hands now, I take several calming breaths, while looking at myself in the mirror. The bathroom holds ten sinks, each with a mirror hanging over it. The shower area is to my left and open, nothing is sectioned off. It’s girls only, but still I’m not sure how comfortable I am showering with the other girls. I suppose I will deal with that when it comes to it.
***
“Laura,” Rose stands at the door, opening it a little wider, to welcome me into the safe zone. This wasn’t my first rodeo. “I won’t bite,” Rose says to my hesitation.
“I know,” I enter the same room I had come into on arrival. Sitting down, I take a deep breath.
“How are you settling in?” Rose starts with the easy. “Good, thank you.”
“We have one hour to discuss whatever you want.” I shift.
“My previous therapist, Tracey would normally start with a feeling.”
Rose nods. “Is that what you want to start with?” Trick question that she is doing along with the head tilt they all do, to see if I will take the left or right.
“You decide,” I tell her.
“This is your time, Laura.” Rose speaks softly.
“No I don’t want to start with a feeling,” I say, and Rose sits back, waiting for me to say what it is I want to talk about. I haven’t a clue. The clock sounds too loud in the room. I look at Rose several times; waiting for her to speak, but each time I look at her she gives me a reassuring and soft smile. Therapists aren’t meant to make this awkward, they are meant to make it easy. Rose isn’t. I never was good at making conversation; I hated when too many people looked at me at once. I always wanted to hide. I can feel my face burn as the silence becomes deafening, my heart rate picks up, and my eyes burn. I am so weak, so stupid, and so ugly. So unwanted. Monsters start to breathe down my neck, suffocating me. I shift, the back of my legs, slick with sweat.
“Laura are you okay?” Rose is standing now. My breaths are coming in short spurts. My chest squeezes. My heart thumps painfully.
“Help me!” I cling to the table in front of me. I’m having a heart attack. I am going to die. God, please don’t let my shitty life flash before my eyes. I hit the carpet hard.
Please don’t leave me. I beg as Rose moves away from me. My vision darkens; the pain in my chest has me clutching it.
Not like this.
I focus on Rose, who pulls a cord hanging from the ceiling, and then she fills my vision. Now I wonder will-the last face I see be that of a stranger?