CHAPTER TWENTY

CRAIG

 

“HOW IS SHE?” I haven’t seen Ethan all day, he looks like he has pulled an all-nighter. Yesterday was visitors’ day so his mother must have arrived and done a number on him.

“Yeah she’s okay.” I tell him. It’s cold outside today and the grey hoodie I found in the communal room fights off the cold. I blow smoke into the air. I wasn’t sure how okay Laura was; the more I got to see her, the more I wanted to see. She was so broken but in a beautiful, tragic kind of way. Maybe I was one sick motherfucker, but I wanted to be the one she shared all her secrets with. I wanted to be the one to fix her.

I glance at Ethan, who’s smirking. “What’s so funny?”

“It’s not funny. It’s just weird seeing you take an interest in someone aside from yourself.” I snort a laugh. It’s just as weird to me as it is to him. I didn’t think I could ever feel this way about someone.

“Yeah.”

“So I came out here to tell you I’m going home.” Ethan kicks the long grass as he speaks.

“I hope not to your crazy mother.” I tell him honestly, and he stops kicking and looks at me.

“Do you have to talk about her like that?”

“Is that really a fucking question? Seriously, if you want to stay out of here, you need to stay away from her.” Everyone tiptoed around the topic that his mother was a cunt. But I wasn’t, even if he hated me after leaving here, he needed some sound advice.

“I actually have my own place.”

I grin. “I am so fucking proud of you.”

Ethan smiles. “Proud enough for a hug?”

I finish my cigarette and put it out on the lawn. “You just trying to touch me?” My question causes his face to blaze red.

Before he can say anything I hug him. It’s awkward as fuck, especially when he hugs me with both hands, and longer than is normal. “All right man, get the fuck off me.” He laughs but lets me go.

“I’m going to miss you.”

“Of course you are.” I don’t tell him I’m going to miss him, instead I slap him on the back as I make my way back inside.

“I know you’re going to miss me too.” He shouts after me and I smile.

I have one more cigarette before I make my way to group therapy. Before I always enjoyed it because it was fun manipulating people and it kept me brushed up on my ability for lying. Now, I am excited to hear what Laura thinks of me. Hearing her tell the group all the qualities she sees in me, makes me want to be the person she sees.

I am the last one to enter the room, and the only spare chair is between Ava and Ethan.  Ava smiles at me, all teeth, and I don’t even pretend with her anymore. She’s pissing me off.

“Great to see you, Craig.” She purrs, and I don’t respond because it isn’t great to see her or sit beside her. She’s a grade A bunny boiler.

My eyes gravitate to where Laura is sitting, her hair covers her face and my stomach tightens. I want to go over and push it away from her face. She has had it tied it back for a few days, today must be a bad day.

I see Maria narrow her eyes at me as she looks away from Laura too. It’s as if she thinks it’s my fault. I see Michelle squeeze her arm as if to settle her.

“Today is Ethan’s last day with the group.” Oliva’s smile is wide and proud and when she claps, we all join in and applaud Ethan on getting his ticket out of here. My eyes move to Laura who claps but barely looks up. I run my hand through my hair to stop myself getting up and asking her what’s wrong.

“So I thought we would move around the group and say one nice thing about Ethan.”

“You’re asking a lot there, Olivia.” I say as Ethan digs his elbow into my stomach. Olivia shakes her head at me but focuses on Michelle.

“Why don’t you start?”

Michelle sits up straighter and joins her hands together like she might break out in prayer. “Ethan is kind and I’m really going to miss him.” Her eyes water and I want to say something, but my attention is drawn to Laura who will be speaking next.

She glances at me through a gap in her hair and I smile at her. While I mouth “you okay?” I can see the smile as she slowly brushes her hair back with a small nod of her head, and my shoulders relax. I know she’s not fine but at least she is looking up.

“Laura?” Olivia says, pulling the smiling face away from me.

“I don’t really know Ethan, but he seems really sweet, and very neat.”

Neat was another word for a pussy. I find myself smiling. “She thinks you’re a wimp, bro.” I smirk while I whisper to Ethan.

“You’re jealous cause your woman is soft on me.”

I laugh getting everyone’s attention. “She said you were neat.” I remind him.

“I think Ethan is funny and kind.” Maria speaks next.

“Kind. That seems to be the word of the day.” I whisper to Ethan. Now it’s Michael’s turn.

“Ethan’s a great friend, even if he is gay.”  I can see in Michael’s eyes that he thought it was funny, like he’s waiting for the class to laugh but all he gets is crickets.

“You’re a moron.” I tell him.

“Craig please.” Oliva says before turning her attention to Ava.

“Ava.” She prompts. I’m shaking my head at Michael and he’s bouncing in his chair, his face red with anger. I grin.

“If I met Ethan on the outside I think we could be a thing.” I roll my eyes. She knows he’s gay, everyone throwing his sexuality around is wrong. This whole thing is annoying me; I’d kill for a beer to wash down how depressing this is.

Now it’s my turn and I can feel Ethan shift slightly towards me. So he may have a crush on me, but I’m not a dick to call him out on it. “I can’t wait to have a beer with my friend on the outside.” I tell him, and he nods with a genuine smile.

“Olivia said something nice.” Michelle is leaning forward, her stomach nearly falling off her knees. Shut your fat gob. That’s what I want to tell Michelle the beast, but I don’t.

“It means he’s cool enough to be my friend. Unlike some of you.”

“Okay. That’s great, everyone.” Olivia quickly jumps in as Michelle starts huffing and puffing.

“I think we can have a little party.” Oliva has gotten up and pulls a plastic bag out from behind the desk. She holds it up likes it’s filled with liquor and cocaine, instead she pulls out a bottle of cola, chips and some sweets. As she passes it around, she smiles like it’s a golden ticket to paradise.

Michelle is ripping opening the chips and smashes them into her face. I honestly find it hard to watch. Laura takes a bag of chips but doesn’t open them immediately. She plays with the package. I take my chair and drag it over beside Laura. I know she notices me, but she doesn’t look up.

“Are you going to share?” I ask, knocking my leg into hers. She hands me the pack and it irritates me more than it should. “Nah, it’s always nicer to eat someone else’s. If you give me the bag it becomes mine.”

She pushes her hair back, and I see a frown on her face. “Seriously?” She asks, and I nod.

“Seriously.” She opens the bag and offers me some. I hold up my hands. “You have to eat the first one or it’s like it’s my bag.”

“Craig.” My name ends on a whine and I smile.

Laura puts a crisp in her mouth slowly. I’m not exactly sure if it’s intentional but I find myself watching her chew. When she stops, I notice the bag she has stretched out to me. I take one and chew slowly looking at her sideways. We sit like that, Laura eats one and I eat ten as we watch Maria and Michelle tragically try and dance to the some hippy music Olivia has turned on.

They are like two hippos dry humping, the chips are getting harder to swallow.

“What do you make of that?” I ask Laura, finishing the pack. She’s smiling at them, like she’s watching two children play ring o ring of roses instead of two whales rolling around.

“They look like they are having fun.” She says it so genuinely that I take a second look at them and try and see it from her perspective. I even tilt my head. Nope. It looks worse that way.

“That’s what I was thinking.” I say and Laura laughs, the laughter comes from her belly and it takes her a few moments before she can talk. “What?” I ask but I’m smiling.

“You are such a bad liar.”

Something flutters in my stomach. “You’re the first person to ever say that to me.”

“You sound offended, Craig.” Laura widens her eyes and opens her mouth really wide, feigning shock.

I’m grinning like someone I would make fun of, but I love her like this. “You have to wear that smile more and your hair back.” My words cause her smile to slip and her face to blaze, but she doesn’t hide, instead she keeps my stare.

“You have to be nicer to people and stop smoking.”

I suck my lip ring in between my teeth and watch her eyes follow my movements it gets her every time, so I do it when I want to distract her.

“I’ll be nicer and cut back on the smokes.” Surprise lights up her eyes, like she didn’t think I would go for it.

“Start now. Say something nice about Michelle.” I’m staring at Laura hoping she’s joking. But she’s pretty serious. Her big brown eyes stare up at me with such an innocence. And I don’t want to disappoint her. I let out a heavy breathe as I look at the person we speak of.

“Can we start with something easier?” I ask, and I see Laura fight off a smile. “I’ll pay you a compliment.” I say and she shrugs. “I think you’re truly beautiful.” I tell her, and she tips her chin down looking at me under her eyelashes. I don’t look away even as she shifts and then clears her throat.

“Thank you.”

“What lies are you spinning now?” Ava’s voice breaks through this moment with Laura and she puts her head down further, her hair covering her face again. As much as I want Ava to go away right now, I won’t let Laura hide.

“You just made a deal with me, Laura.” I tell her, and her head shoots up in surprise. She pushes the hair away from her burning face and I feel proud of her. Now I give Ava my attention. “I want you to leave me alone.”

“You’re only saying that now.” She says it as a whisper, but Laura can hear us.

“Whatever we had is over. I don’t want you.” I tell her and feel like a dick when she flinches like I slapped her. She narrows her eyes at Laura and I shift. “Don’t Ava.”  I warn her. My voice holds a growl that makes Olivia look at us. Ava heeds my warning and leaves the room.

“Is there a problem?” Olivia directs her question to me and I shrug.

“No, why?” She wants to say more as her gaze darts between Ava, Laura and me but she returns to her conversation with Ethan. I can imagine the conversation is about having tools on the outside that will help us ‘cope’.

“Want to dance?” I ask Laura, hating how quite she has become.

Horror fills her large wide eyes as she holds up her hands. “I don’t dance.”

“Me neither.” I tell her and grab her hands, my fingers immediately going to the marks on her palms. Her eyes widen further, and she tries to pull her hands away. “Don’t reject me, Laura.” I tease, and I can see her body relax ever so slightly and as I twirl her in a full circle a small squeal leaves her lips, but just to make her more comfortable, I hold my hand out to Maria. I’m stunned when she takes it.

I twirl her and Laura at the same time and find myself smiling and laughing at their girlish giggles. I spend another thirty minutes dancing with them. The dance makes no sense, it isn’t to entice anyone, it’s just for fun, and I, surprisingly, enjoy myself.

It’s a while later when I finally get outside by myself to have a cigarette. Each pull isn’t as satisfying as I think of Laura. Could I really give them up for her?

Yeah I could.