Luisa
I kiss Jasmine goodbye and shut the door after she leaves. She came over earlier, like the best friend she is. I know she’s looking out for me and I trust her, I do, but I still hurt. The fact that Hawke’s been hiding something from me, and not telling me the truth about where he’s been, is killing me. If he can’t be honest with me, then how can I ever trust him?
Jasmine promised that it’s not what I think, but she can’t possibly understand how I feel. Hawke was with another woman last night, then came home and made love to me.
Tears threaten to spill over and I roughly brush them away, angry at myself for allowing a man to play with my emotions like this again.
My phone rings in my hand, and I look down and see it’s Hawke calling but don’t answer. The last thing I want to do right now is talk to him. I can’t, I’ll break down if I talk to him now. I reject the call and decide housework is the way to go. Yes, I’m going to clean, that should keep me busy.
After vacuuming and mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom, and throwing a couple of loads of washing on, I’m exhausted. I make myself a cup of tea and sink down into my couch. Turning on the TV, I try to focus on something other than Hawke. Catching up on some episodes of The Walking Dead should do the trick. Seeing zombies right now is exactly what I need.
Taking a sip of my tea, I curl my legs under me, trying to get comfortable. Suddenly, there’s a loud knock at the door. I place my tea on the coffee table, stand, and walk over to my front window, looking down at the street. Yep, it’s Hawke. I can see his Harley parked out front and I creep to my front door, looking through the peephole.
Hawke stands on the other side, looking pissed with his hands on his hips. His dark blue jeans hang low on his waist, and he’s wearing a fitted white button-down shirt that shows off his muscles. Fuck my life, why does he have to be so delicious. He paces the floor and reaches for his phone, dialing my number I assume. My cell phone rings and I snap my head toward where I left it, but ignore it.
“Fuck!” I hear him curse under his breath, and his hand runs through his hair. It’s down and looks all messy, as if he’s been running his hands through it all day.
“Luisa!” he yells banging on my door once again. “Let me in. I know you’re there, I heard your phone.”
I inhale deeply and unlock the door, but keep the security chain connected.
It creaks open and Hawke steps forward. “Baby, let me in. We need to talk.” His eyes bore into mine, desperation in his face. “Baby, please, let me in,” he pleads again.
He’s as close as he can be, his nose practically hitting the chain. His hand sneaks in the little opening and he cups my cheek. “Baby, please.” His eyes run over my face, something like adoration in his expression.
His thumb circles my cheek, and a tear finally falls and makes its way down my face. “You lied,” I croak out. “You were with her last night, and you didn’t tell me.” I sniffle.
“Baby, open the door, let me explain.”
I step back, away from his embrace, and cross my hands over my chest. “Just answer me one question, Hawke, I need you to be honest with me.”
“I’ll answer anything you want, just open the door. I hate having this barrier between us.”
I shake my head. “Not until you answer my question.”
He rubs a hand down the back of his neck. I can see the muscles in his arms straining as he tries to keep control of his emotions.
He steps close again, and I follow. “I hate not being able to touch you,” he says hoarsely.
I don’t answer but I feel exactly the same. I want to be in his arms right now, him telling me that everything will be fine, and that he loves me. But I need to be smart and make sure I’m not falling for a man who is cheating on me.
“Is Josie an ex-girlfriend?”
He looks at me and nods once.
Okay that was easy.
“Do you still love her?”
His eyebrows draw together. “No, I don’t love her. I did once but that was a long time ago.”
I inhale deeply and try to fight the jealousy that’s building, knowing that he loved Josie but has never said those words to me.
“Were you with her last night, before you came home and made love to me?” I ask softly before gnawing on my bottom lip.
“Baby, don’t do this, open the door.”
I shake my head again. “Just answer me, Hawke,” I plead, my body starting to tremble.
“Fuck!” Hawke growls. He looks down at his boot before kicking the outside of my door. He finally looks up at me. “Yes, but it’s not what you think,” is his answer.
My stomach dips and my knees wobble at his admission, and with all the courage I’m not feeling, I straighten, looking directly into his piercing blue eyes.
“Did you sleep with her?”
“Fuck, Lu, do you really need to ask me that?”
He looks hurt but I don’t give in. “So that’s a no?”
“Of course it’s a fucking no. I’m not a fucking asshole.”
I take a breath, the one I’ve been holding all this time, and just as I’m about to unlock the chain on my door, I ask one more question. “Did you kiss her?”
My breath hitches at the back of my throat when I see his eyes are now laced with pain.
“Lu, don’t do this,” he pleads as he tries to reach for me through the door again.
I wrap my hand around my neck, feeling my pulse run at a rapid pace. “Did you kiss her?” I repeat, and he looks down at the floor, then back into my eyes, now blurry with tears.
“It didn’t mean anything,” he admits in a low voice.
As he says those words, everything turns into slow motion for me. He kissed her, he kissed Josie, and then he came home to me.
I cover my face with my hands and cry into them, feeling ashamed that I’d trusted him.
“Lu, let me in. I can explain, it was nothing, just a kiss. I stopped it.”
“Shut up!” I yell. “I don’t want to hear it. I want you to leave.” My voice is quivering as my heart beats a thousand miles an hour.
I feel sick. My insides threaten to leave me and I sink to the ground, my back against the door. I try to push it closed but Hawke’s boot blocks it, keeping me from slamming it against his face. I begin to cry, burying my face in my knees as feelings of shame wash over me.
“Baby, please let me in. Please,” Hawke begs, his voice cracking with emotion.
“Get out, Hawke, just leave. I need some time to process this. I can’t talk to you right now.” I take in a deep breath, trying to get the words out. “You’ve broken me,” I whisper.
Slowly, my body moves backward as Hawke removes his boot, and the door shuts behind me. I can hear him out there pacing, and imagine him running his hands through his hair, unsure about how he’s going to deal with this situation. My heart wants me to open the door and run into his arms, tell him we’re going to be okay, but my mind won’t allow it. It knows that what Hawke has done is wrong. And yes, it may have been just a kiss, but to know that his lips—on mine last night, giving me such intense pleasure—were on hers before then. Well, I can’t deal with all this right now. I don’t even know who this Josie is. I do want to know, but I can’t deal with it tonight. Tonight, I need him to leave.
The shuffling of feet stops, and I jump as a loud bang hits the door, followed by him cursing. “Fuck!” I can only assume that it’s Hawke’s fist striking the hard wood. I bite down on my bottom lip to hold back my cry, and then he does it. He rips my heart out.
“Baby,” he says, his voice husky and broken. “I’ll leave right now if that’s what you want. But before I go, I need to tell you something.”
I cover my mouth with my hand, concealing my cries so I can hear him clearly.
“I love you.”
I hear him move away, and then footsteps trail down the hallway. Soon I hear nothing and know Hawke has left.
I cover my face with my hands and cry. I big-ugly cry, where my voice comes out wailing. He said he loves me.