I was leaning over the bathroom sink, washing my face, as Connor was getting undressed. “I loved watching you with Camden today. It was so special and sweet.”
“Yeah, well he’s a pretty special kid.”
I folded the washcloth and put it on the sink. “Watching you with him made me think of some things.”
I walked out of the bathroom, and I opened the drawer to take out my nightshirt.
“What things?” he asked hesitantly.
“I don’t know; just how good you are with him and…”
Instantly, he cut me off. “I can’t have children, Elle. I took care of that many years ago.”
My back was turned to him, and his words shredded their way through my body. I took in a deep breath and continued to undress and get into my nightshirt. The air that surrounded us changed.
“Aren’t you going to respond to that?” he asked.
I turned around. “Okay, why didn’t you tell me that before?” I was feeling a little betrayed that he wouldn’t have told me that sooner in our relationship. Maybe he thought it wasn’t necessary because I was going to die anyway.
“I don’t know, Elle. It just didn’t seem to ever be appropriate.”
Then it came. The words only my mouth would say. “Was it because you thought I was going to die, and it didn’t matter if I never knew?”
The look on his face broke, and anguish washed over him. “How could you say that?”
I turned to face the window. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it, and anyway, I don’t want kids. With my fucked up family genes, the kid wouldn’t stand a chance.”
He walked over to me, put his arms around me, and pulled me into him. “Don’t say things like that.”
“It’s the truth. My mother died of cancer, my father was an alcoholic, and now me having cancer for the second time... Think about it, Connor – the child would be doomed the minute it was conceived.” It killed me to say those words, but it was the truth, and I was being honest with him.
“You’re wrong, and I don’t want you talking like that ever again.”
I loosened myself from his grip. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyway because neither of us wants kids, so end of discussion.” I walked across the room over to the dresser and grabbed the lotion bottle.
“Does it bother you that I can’t have children?”
“No, and like I said, it’s for the best anyway.”
I was lying. It did bother me, and it bothered me that he didn’t tell me. I braced myself as I asked the next question.
“Why did you do it, Connor?”
He took in a sharp breath. “Do you really want to hear the answer to that, Elle?”
I didn’t, but I did. I needed to hear him say it. “Yes, I do, since we’re being honest and not keeping secrets.”
He swallowed hard and didn’t say anything. I didn’t think the words would come out of his mouth, but my mouth had no problems at all.
“Since you can’t say anything, let me say it for you. You were never going to fall in love, and that meant never having kids, so why torture yourself with only experiencing half pleasure every time you fucked a woman when you could experience the whole natural pleasure and not have a worry in the world, except being ignorant about STDs.”
His face fell and anger grew in his eyes. He was genuinely pissed at what I said.
“I’m not even going to respond to something as fucked up as that!” he yelled. He continued his rant. “You’re pissed that I can’t have kids? Aren’t you the one who said she doesn’t believe in happily ever after and fairytale romances?!”
All I could think about as he was yelling at me was how, since meeting him, he’d changed all that for me, but obviously, I didn’t do the same for him. I walked over to the floor where I left my pants and pulled them on.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” he yelled.
“I’m not staying here tonight. You’re a dick, and I don’t want to be near you right now.”
“I’m a dick?” He laughed. “You’re the one being a bitch and overreacting about me not being able to have kids.”
Did he just call me a bitch? I spun around. “I’m a bitch because you didn’t tell me about this sooner?!”
The anger and darkness now consumed his eyes. “You really want to go there, Ellery, about not telling each other things?” He was now bringing up the cancer, and he was hitting below the belt.
“I regretted that from day one, and you know it!” my voice was yelling. “How dare you throw that in my face?!”
“Then, I guess we’re even!” he yelled.
Oh, he shouldn’t have said that. My blood was boiling, and my veins were pulsating full of anger.
“Maybe it’s best you stay in the guest room tonight, until we both cool off.”
I spun around and pointed my finger at him. “I’m not staying in the guest room. I’m going home to my apartment that you so graciously call a ‘box.’”
“Really, Ellery? You’re going to run?” He waved his hand. “Why not? It’s what you do best anyway.”
Tears filled my eyes at his cold words as I stormed out of the bedroom and out of his penthouse. He didn’t come after me, which told me he was really pissed off.
The night air was cold as I looked around the crowded streets of New York. I realized I didn’t have my keys, so going back to my apartment wasn’t an option. I waited for a text or call or even for him to tell me that he was sorry and take me back upstairs with him, but he didn’t. I hailed a cab and had him take me to the nearest hotel. I was weak and exhausted as I laid myself on the bed. I looked at my phone, hoping if I stared at it long enough that he’d call me and tell me he was sorry.
I fell asleep, sprawled across the bed.
***
The next morning, I was rudely awakened from an incoming text. “Where the hell are you?! I went to your apartment and you weren’t there.”
I rolled my eyes and quickly typed my response. “It’s none of your business where I am. Remember, I’m doing what I do best.”
Within seconds, I received another text. “You are behaving like a child, and I don’t like it. Now get your ass back to my penthouse.”
Shit, you talk about adding fuel to the fire. He was sure doing an exceptional job at it. I responded, “I think we need time apart to think about what each of us said last night.”
A sudden reply that broke my heart came through. “I agree, and when you stop behaving like a selfish child, call me so we can talk like adults.”
I did the only thing I normally do: I threw my phone against the wall, and it shattered. I sighed and took a hot shower, sobbing as the water ran down my body.
I bent down to pick up the broken pieces that were once my phone. I really needed to get that under control and stop throwing things. I walked to the cellular store and purchased the same phone with my same number. I couldn’t say I didn’t care about my phone, because I did, and what if Peyton needed me, or what if Connor needed me?