I woke up four hours later and couldn’t move. The part I feared the most hit me: the pain. I started to whimper when I wanted to scream because I didn’t want anyone to hear me. My body felt like it had been hacked into a million pieces, starting from the top of my head down to my toes. There wasn’t a single bone, joint, or muscle that didn’t hurt. I tried to get comfortable, but I couldn’t. I slowly got off the bed and wanted to scream when my feet touched the floor. I stood up and made my way to the door. I stepped out into the hallway and dropped to my knees and then onto my side.
I started to cry—more a soft whimper like a puppy. Connor must have been in his office, which was the room next to the staircase, because I could hear him on the phone. I tried to crawl to the bathroom, but the pain was too great. It wasn’t too long when I saw Connor running up the stairs, skipping a step in between.
“Ellery, my God. What’s wrong?”
At that point, I was shaking uncontrollably. I put my hand up. “Don’t touch me; it hurts,” I cried.
He yelled for Claire and told her to call the nurse immediately and to get her over to the penthouse. He sat down beside me and touched my hair.
“I need to get back in bed; just pick me up and get it over with,” I begged.
He stood and picked me up off the ground. He flinched as I screamed. He carefully carried me into the bedroom and laid me on the bed.
“The nurse will be here soon; she’ll help you,” he said as he gently brushed the hair away from my face.
I looked at him and cried. “I’m sorry, Connor. I never wanted you to see me like this.”
He knelt down beside the bed and lightly touched my hand. “You have nothing to be sorry for; I’m the one who is sorry. It kills me to see you in such pain,” he said as a single tear fell down his cheek.
I took my thumb and gently wiped the tear from his face as he took my hand and looked at my wrist; the one tattooed with his name. He didn’t have a chance to say anything as the nurse came in with her bag. Connor stood up and sat at the edge of the bed while Claire stood in the doorway.
“You’re going to be just fine, sweetie,” she said as she held up a needle. “I’m going to give you a shot of morphine for the pain.”
She injected the shot into my hip and told me to relax. She then asked Connor to step into the hallway. I started to relax as the pain began to subside. Connor walked back into the room and to the other side of the bed, where he sat up with his back against the headboard. I turned on my side to face him.
“It isn’t always going to be like this,” I said. “The first three days after chemo is the worst, and then I am usually fortunate enough to have a few days where I feel good; well, as good as can be expected on chemo.”
He didn’t say a word; he only sat there, playing with my hair.
“Don’t get too used to doing that. It’s going to be gone soon.”
He flashed me that smile that melted my heart. “I don’t care. You’ll still be just as beautiful.”
I smiled at him, and he kissed me lightly on my forehead. He softly took hold of both my wrists and looked at them, rubbing the tattoos lightly. I saw the anguish in his eyes.
“I noticed these at the hospital when you were receiving chemo. I’ve been waiting for you to show me. Why, Ellery?” he asked.
I rolled over as the morphine settled through my body, and I was able to step out of bed and slowly walk over to the window. “Because at some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life, and this is my way of keeping you in my heart.”
Silence overtook the large room until I felt his arms wrap around me, and he softly whispered in my ear, “Get back in bed and I’ll bring you some tea.”
I turned around with his arms still wrapped around me as I delicately kissed him on the cheek. He closed his eyes and took in a sharp breath. He released his arms from me and left the room. He came back a few minutes later with a cup of peppermint tea and set it on the nightstand, then climbed on the other side and sat next to me.
“Peyton called me and read me the riot act.” He laughed.
“Why would she do that?” I asked.
“She said she’s been trying to get a hold of you for a couple of days, and when she didn’t have any luck, she called me. When I told her about your chemo and that you were staying here, she started yelling and said to sit tight because she was coming straight over from the airport to kick my ass.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh God, not tonight.”
Connor chuckled. “No, we’re in luck. She’ll be here tomorrow, since her flight was cancelled.”
I let out a sigh of relief. “Good, because tonight, I couldn’t deal with her.”
I must have drifted to sleep because when I woke up, I was under the covers, and Connor was gone. I felt so alone and did the only thing I couldn’t control—I cried. As my shoulders were shaking and the sobs were buried deep in my pillow, I felt an overwhelming sense of comfort from behind.
“It’s okay, baby, I’m here.” Connor wrapped his arms around me and held me the rest of the night.
***
I woke up and patted the empty side where Connor lay and held me last night. I wanted to wake up in his arms, and I wanted him to tell me that he loved me. I was getting too many mixed signals from him. It was hurting me, and I didn’t have the strength to fight both the cancer and him at the same time.
I felt like my chemo fog lifted, and I was starting to feel somewhat normal—as if I even knew what normal was anymore. I followed the aroma of coffee down the stairs and into the kitchen, where Claire was cooking.
“Good morning, dear.” She turned and smiled.
“Good morning, Claire. I’m in desperate need of some coffee.”
She walked to the cabinet and grabbed a mug. “One cup coming right up!”
I heard a raised voice coming from over by the living room. I took my coffee and walked towards it when I noticed it was coming from Connor’s office. He was on the phone, and he sounded angry.
“It’s complicated, Ashlyn. Yeah, well, I’m sorry about the other night, but something came up! Fuck!” I heard him yell as he threw his phone across his desk. He paced back and forth, rubbing the back of his neck and shaking his head. It hurt me to the very core that he still talked to her and still never explained to me who she was and what their relationship was. I heard his footsteps coming towards the door as I darted back into the kitchen.
He walked in and looked at me. “How are you feeling? You look better today.” I could see the anguish in his face. He looked tired and weary.
“I’m fine,” I said as I looked down.
Then, out of nowhere, he went off on a tangent and started yelling. “You always say you’re fine, Elle, even when you’re not. Are you ever really fine? Can you ever just tell me the damn truth for once in your fucking life so that I can stop playing these goddamn guessing games? Can you say something other than ‘I’m fine, Connor’? Because you know what, Ellery? It makes me sick!”
I stood there, shocked and unable to say anything in my defense. I didn’t know this man standing in front of me, and I didn’t want to know him at this moment either. He stood with his hands on the counter, his body pushed away from it with his head down. I walked over to him, and as he looked at me, I took my hand and slapped him as hard as I could across his face. There was no emotion in his eyes or on his face—just like that night at the club. I walked out of the kitchen and started up the stairs. I heard something break as Claire looked at me from the living room. Before I made it to my room, I heard the front door slam. My heart was racing, but other than that, I felt nothing at that moment. I couldn’t stay in his house another day. He was too affected by my illness, and he didn’t deserve to live like this. I packed my bag and left.
I hailed a cab and went back to my cold, lonely apartment. I walked to my room and pulled out a piece of paper from under my mattress. I stared at it for a while, folded it up, and tucked it in my purse. I threw the rest of my clothes, or really what would fit into the bag that was already packed. I grabbed some cash from my drawer, grabbed my laptop, and left. I walked down the street for a bit until I was able to hail a cab. I got in and smiled when I saw Manny looking at me from the front.
“Are you going somewhere, Elle?”
“Yeah, Manny, I’m going somewhere, but I need you to promise me something.”
“Of course, anything,” he said.
“I need you to take me to the airport, and you can’t tell a single person where you took me or that you saw me, please.” He looked at me from the rearview mirror. “Yeah, okay, Elle. Don’t worry. I never saw you.”
I arrived at the airport and was fortunate enough to book the flight that was leaving in thirty minutes for Michigan. I checked my bag and ran to the gate. I handed the man my ticket and boarded the plane. I sat in my seat and took a deep breath. My phone beeped and as I took it out of my pocket. I saw a text message from Connor.
“I want to apologize for my behavior. I’m on my way back to the penthouse, and we need to talk. If you’re feeling up to it, we can go out for lunch.”
My heart sank as I read his words, but it was too late. I knew what I had to do now. It was probably what I should have done from the start, before Connor Black walked into my life.