Nineteen

The rest of Saturday went without incident, but when Sunday rolled around my nerves were on end. I begged Saw to hang out with me. To go shopping or to do whatever she wanted to do because I had to get out of the house. There was no way I would be able to spend the day with Jensen. Things were still just too awkward. Saw was a little suspicious, but kept me busy the entire day.

I never heard from Jensen.

On Monday morning I was running late and rushing around the apartment trying to find all of my school books. I felt like crap from the lack of sleep I had gotten the night before. I hadn’t even bother to try when I was getting ready for school. I wasn’t sure I cared if I looked okay.

I rushed out the door almost knocking Saw to the ground. She had been standing outside my door with an arm raised, ready to knock. Grabbing her raised arm, I pulled her along behind me towards the parking lot.

“I don’t mean to be rude, babe, but you look like shit,” she commented as we stopped at my car.

“I slept like shit last night and can’t seem to find my care this morning,” I sighed. She arched an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“You gonna tell me what's going on?” she asked as we pulled out of the parking lot and headed for the school.

“What do you mean?” I was playing dumb. I did not want to talk about this.

“Don’t play stupid. You’ve spent the whole day with Alex Saturday which is a friggin’ miracle and then you insisted that we spend the whole day together Sunday when we both know that Sunday is Roommate day. I’m not blind. You’re avoiding Jensen and I want to know why.” Damn her. She was too smart for her own good.

Once we were parked at the school, I turned in my seat and looked at her, but no words came out. I didn’t know what to say or where to start. I was so ashamed and didn’t want her to judge me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Was what I settled on.

“Is it that bad?” she asked and I could see she was concerned.

“No,” I said, frustrated. “It’s just a mess. One big fucking mess.”

She didn’t say anything and I knew she was waiting me out. The longer she stared at me the more I wanted to spill. I wanted to tell someone. I needed to get it off my chest or it was going to eat me alive.

“I cheated on Alex.” It came out in a rush and I covered my face with my hands.

God the shame.

“Okay,” she said slowly taking it in. “What does that have to do with you avoiding Jensen.” I peeked through my fingers at her and waited. It didn’t take long for her to figure it out. “Oh. Oh! You and Jensen?”

“I am the worst girlfriend. I mean it’s bad enough I’m not as interested in Alex as I should be, but then I cheat on him. And with Jensen of all people!” I wanted to crawl in a hole and hide.  

“You made a mistake. We all do, but sweetie, if you’re not that interested in him you need to break up with him. Plus, if you’re with Jensen now why did you spend the day with Alex yesterday?” She looked confused.

“Nothing has changed between Jensen and me. It was a mistake and meant nothing.” I tried not to dwell on that fact. “Plus, I’m still with Alex.”

“What do you mean it meant nothing?” If anything she looked more confused.

“His words. He made it perfectly clear.” The words came out in a huff and I hated how much they affected me. God, but I wanted it to mean something.

“Okay,” she frowned and I could see the wheels turning in her head, but she moved on. “Are you going to tell Alex?”

“I know I should, but I just… I don’t want to. He’s a great guy and I really do like him.”

“You really like Jensen.”

“Yeah, that is never going to happen.” I didn’t want to feel anything. I wanted to be okay with that, but it hurt.

“Never say never, babe.”

“Never.”

She rolled her eyes. “Even if you don’t tell Alex, you still need to cut him loose.”

“I know and I plan too. I’m just trying to find the right time.”

“There’s no such thing as the right time. So, there’s no time like the present.”

We headed for our class and when we rounded the building, Alex was leaning against the wall right beside the door. Saw cut her eyes at me and gave me a look. With a sigh, I nodded and headed towards him.

When he spotted me a grin lit his face and he jogged over to meet us.

“Hey beautiful,” he said, wrapping me in his arms, lifting me off my feet, planting a hot kiss on my mouth.

 I opened my mouth to reply, but the words seemed to stick in my throat. He looked so happy to see me and I didn’t deserve it. I was the absolute worst kind of person and he deserved so much better.

“Is everything okay?” He sat me down on my feet and gave me a concerned look.

I had to tell him. Like Saw said, there was no time like the present. It had to be done. He deserved to know the truth.

I took a deep breath, but before the words could cross my lips, Saw grabbed my arm and hauled me to her side.

“We’re going to be late.” She said, pulling me towards the door and away from Alex.

She stopped us right outside our classroom.

“What are you doing? I was just about to tell him!”

She gave me a sympathetic look.

“I know, sweetie, but you looked like you might throw up too. I wasn’t sure which would come out of your mouth. I had to save you from it.” I opened my mouth in outrage, but I knew she was right.

“I can’t do it,” I signed, letting my head drop.

“Sweetie, you’re going to have to tell him. If you don’t he will figure it out. The guilt was written all over your face when you looked at him. Honestly, I don’t know how you made it through Saturday with him.”

“That makes two of us.” My theory was that it had been so fresh and I still was processing it. Now, it was processed and I was suffocating in what I did.

My nerves were on end as we arrived at the shop for our shift. I hadn’t seen much of Jensen since we had woken up together and I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him or how to act around him. I was a mess and had done little in the last two days to get my shit together. If I hadn’t been such a coward on Sunday, I could have sat him down and we could have talked. Maybe it would have made things a little easier.

When we arrived at the shop, I told Saw to go ahead while I pretended to look for something in my backpack. I needed a moment alone to gather myself before I went inside. If I didn't get my head on straight, I might end up going in there and making an idiot of myself. I willed all emotion down, pushing it as far back as I could.

When I felt like I could do this, I headed inside. Just inside the door, I faltered. Jensen was sitting behind my desk looking as if he were expecting me. I mustered up a small smile and forced my feet to move forward.

When I settled into the seat beside him, he opened his mouth to speak. Before he could get a single word out, I took us both by surprise when I threw my arms around him. He stiffened in my arms before wrapping his around me in return.

“Luv,” he murmured in my hair.

“I’m sorry for avoiding you.” My voice was barely a whisper.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” he assured me. He pulled back to look me in the eyes, but I couldn’t meet his eyes.

“My head has been all over the place,” I confessed.

“No worries, luv. I understand,” he smiled.

“So, we’re fine?” I needed reassurance.

“We’re fine.” I nodded and moved away from him.

I wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure what to say and I was afraid that I would turn into a blubbering mess and make a full of myself. I sat back in my chair looking around spotting a binder I’d never seen before.

“What’s this?” I asked, turning to look at Jensen.

He grinned at me and flipped the binder open. “It’s my portfolio. I don’t have any appointments and we aren’t likely to be busy today, so I thought maybe you’d like to see my work.”

“Yes! Of course!” I pulled the binder towards me examining the pictures.

He was very talented, a fact I was aware of. I’d seen many of his pieces on customers who had come and gone, but these were some of the best he had ever done. There were so many and with every turn I found a picture of a tattoo I loved more than the last. The were amazing. He was amazing.

When I turned to the last page, I was surprised at what I found. It was a beautiful piece. Easily my favorite of them all, thought it wasn’t a picture of a tattoo he had done, but something he had draw on paper. It was an open book with colorful wisps coming from the pages. It was magical and captured everything I wanted in a tattoo.

“This is beautiful,” I told him, not taking my eyes off of it. “Who’s it is?”

“It’s yours, luv. If you want it.” My head snapped up, and I gaped at him. He grinned at my expression.

“You drew this for me?” I tore my eyes from his, looking down at his work of art.

“Yes. I knew you were having a hard time decided on what you wanted and I wanted to help.” His voice had gone soft, and I tore myself from the picture to throw my arms around his neck.

“It’s perfect! Thank you,” I murmured.

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him and nothing in this world felt more right. It was like I was supposed to be there. My emotions were creeping back up and I had to shove them back in the box I had stuffed them in.

I cleared my throat and pulled away. “Will you do it? Will you tattoo it on me? I wouldn’t feel right letting anyone else do it.”

He looked like Christmas had come early. “Are you serious?” When I nodded, he hauled me to my feet and led me down the hall to his studio.  He pushed me into the room and disappeared, then returning a few moments later.

“Mack is going to watch the front. Let’s do this,” he walked over to his table and started to set up.

“Wait. You want to do this now?”

“Hell yeah, I can’t wait.”

“But, I-I don’t have the money to pay you right now.” I shifted on my feet, embarrassed.

He rolled his eyes and continued. “Employees get inked for free.”

“Oh.” It made sense. Saw seemed to have a new tattoo every few weeks. She was running out of room.

He spun in his chair to face me, clapping his hands together. “All right, luv. Where do you want it?”

“My hip,” I said, pointing to the area I had in mind.

He nodded, then looked up at me. “You must remove your pants.” He stood and walked to the door, closing it and turning the lock.

I stood in the middle of the room, fidgeting. I was suddenly nervous and second guessing the location because I wasn’t sure taking any of my clothes off was the best idea considering what happened the last time I took my clothes off in front of him.

Heat rose to my face as images from that night invaded my mind. I closed my eyes to clear my head and when I opened them, Jensen was standing in front of me.

“Take your pants off, luv.” His voice was husky, and I knew he was thinking the same thing I had been.

A shiver ran down my spine as he watched me strip out of my leggings. Something in this moment felt more intimate than it should have been. I know I didn't have any experience in getting tattoos, but I was sure that the artist wasn’t supposed to look at you like he wanted to take you to bed rather than give you a tattoo.

“Now what?” I whispered. I felt exposed in my shirt and panties.

He swallowed hard, his adams apple bobbing up and down. He nodded to the chair, walking over to recline it for me. I went over climbing onto it and laying on my side. I folding my arm under my head and tried to get as comfortable as possible.

It took him a few hours and when he was finished, he helped me to my feet and over to the wall length mirror. Tears welled up as I took in the piece of art that was now permanently etched into my skin.

“Jensen,” I whispered. “It’s beautiful. I love it!”

This time it was he would pulled me into his arms. “I’m glad you like it.”

“That’s an understatement,” I chuckled, then hiccuped.

“It’s my favorite,” he murmured.

I pulled back to look up at him. “What?”

“It’s my favorite. You asked me which tattoo I had done was my favorite. This one is my favorite. The on your face, luv. I’ll never forget it.”

I stared up at him unable to hide my emotions. They had sprang free of the box and were demanding to be felt. His face shifted, and I knew what he was seeing, but I couldn’t do this anymore. There would be no more hiding.

He sighed, then pulled away and I knew he was pulling away from more than the physical sense.

“Jensen,” I sighed. “What are we doing?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, turning his back to me.

I pulled on his arm, forcing his to turn and face me. “Don’t be dense. You and I both know there is something going on between us. I know you know I have feelings for you and I see how you look at me. You can’t pretend you don’t feel anything for me.”

He looked down at me, so many emotions playing out on his face. He settled on indifference and it made my stomach drop. I wrapped a supportive arm around my middle and prepared for whatever he was about to throw at me.

“I won’t deny that I feel some… attraction for you, but I don’t want to be with you, Freya. I did that once and I can’t do it again. Not with anyone.” He looked at the floor and I backed away.

It made sense now. The reason he never settled with anymore longer than a night. He had been burned and it must have been bad. I should have been smart enough to foresee something like this coming and I should have stuck to my initial plan from the start. I should have stayed away from him and the way he was looking at me made me wish I had even more. He was looking at me as if I were no different that the ones who had come before me.

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. I had to get out of here. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I didn’t want him to see me like this.He didn’t need to see how much it was killing me that he had rejected me. He was my best friend, and I wanted to salvage that. It was all I had left now.

Bending down, I grabbed my leggings off the floor and tugged them on, wincing as they rubbed against my new tattoo. I shoved my boots onto my feet and turned to the door, struggling to unlock it.

“Freya?” he called and I turned to look at him instantly regretting it. “Please don’t look at me like that, luv.” He started towards me, but I held my hand up to stop him. I turned my back on him, giving myself a moment to shove my emotions back into the box they had escaped from. This time they wouldn’t be coming back out.

“I’m fine. I knew this would happen, so it’s okay. I am okay. You’re my best friend and I’m perfectly happy with it staying like that.” I couldn’t turn to face him. I didn’t want to look at him right now.