Twenty-One

        I didn’t believe Jensen when he said he didn’t want me because I knew there was something there and he was just to scared too grab it. I wanted him to grab it and never let go. He was being stubborn and I would not make it easy on him. I made sure he knew what he was missing.  

        We still did our normal stuff. We carpooled, had breakfast together, we even had Roommate day still, but I made sure to sit a little too close, getting in his personal space. Leaning into him when I was reaching for something. Sitting to close when we were at my desk at work. Having out in his studio when I knew it would just be me and him. To top it all off, I mostly wore my sports bra and short, shorts around the apartment.

        I knew it was working because he seemed to be in a constant bad mood and when I walked out of my room in my short shorts he couldn’t keep his eyes off my legs. One night I accidently dropped something, and he walked into the room as soon as I bent over. I thought he was going to have a stroke. He ended up taking a long shower that night.

        The hardest part was pretending I wasn’t hurting. That his rejection doesn’t bother me anymore. It was so draining to keep the act up and I knew there were days when everyone could see right thru me. Saw, for one, made a habit of mentioning it every chance she got. Warning me that I was playing with fire and it was going to backfire.

I ignored her.

        I was still seeing Alex. Mostly at school because I rarely agreed to a night out with him. I was trying to be distant while I worked up the nerve to break it off. The worst part is that most of the time I used him when I needed a break from pretending. Which is how I ended up agreeing to a night out with him when it was Roommate night. I dreaded it the second I agreed. Plus, I hated ditching Jensen..  

        I sat on my bed in my bra and panties with my head in my hands trying to figure out how I could possibly be so tired. Maybe it was because I was sleeping more than normal or because they were restless sleeps? I couldn’t even escape to my dreams because they were filled with Jensen, too. He was everywhere.

        I didn't hear the knock until it was too late and I didn’t bother to cover up either. He should be used to finding me half naked these days.

 I lifted my head from my hands to look up at Jensen. He was standing in my doorway looking at the floor.

        “Hey,” I said trying to sound cheerful. “What’s up?”

        “I was just wondering what you wanted to do for Roommate day? You slept all day, so I figured we could catch a movie tonight.” He didn’t look up from the floor.

        “Oh. I’m sorry Jensen. I didn’t realize today was Sunday.” I slide off the bed and walked over to him, smile in place. “I have plans. Maybe another night, okay?” I reached out and put a hand under his chin, lifting until he looked up at me. I didn’t miss how his eyes ran up the length of my body and I didn’t hide the shiver it caused.

He didn’t say anything, so I reached up and patted him on the check before walking over to my closet, flipping through my clothes until I found my favorite black sweater dress. It looked killer with my combat boots. I pulled it on, then grabbed my boots. I tossed them on the floor beside my bed before walked over to my dresser and pulled out a pair of tights.

        Jensen never moved from his spot at the door and never took his eyes off of me, but the look on his face wasn’t the usual anger or frustration. He looked sad, and it pulled at my heartstrings. I took one last look in the mirror, then went to go face my friend.

        “Why the sad face, friend?” I cocked my head to the side and furrowed my brows.

        “It’s nothing, luv.” He shrugged off the wall and stepped to the side, giving me room to pass.

        “Okay, but if you want to talk you, know I’m here.” I placed a quick peck on his cheek before walking passed him and headed for the door. I grabbed my bag and slung it on my shoulder. With my hand on the knob, I turned to look back at my friend.

I could see what I had been trying to avoid for the past few weeks since I told him how I felt. I was losing my best friend. He may be standing a few feet from me, but he wasn’t my friend anymore. There was no coming back from this. No matter how hard I tried.  

        My chest squeezed, and I rushed out the door before something could cross my face and give me away. I slammed the door behind me and leaned against, taking in long even breaths to clear my head. The last thing I wanted was to have a breakdown.

        After a few minutes I felt a little better, but wasn’t in any mood to go out. There was no way I could trade one night of pretending for another. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Alex’s number.

        “Hey!” He greeted me. “I was just on my way out the door.”

        “Hey, bad news. Saw is in a mood and needs company tonight, so I’m just going to crash with her. I’m sorry.” I wasn’t.

        “Oh. Well that’s okay. I understand. Take care of your girl.”

        “Thanks for understanding.”

        “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

        “Of course.” The line went dead and I let out a sigh of relief.

        Now I had to figure out what to do to kill. There was no way I was going back into that apartment. I could go to Saw’s, but I wasn’t sure I was in the mood to dodge questions about how I was really feeling.

        I trudged down the stairs deciding that I would just take a long drive. Maybe it would help me clear my head and if not maybe by the time I returned Jensen would be in bed.

        After about an hour of driving aimlessly and wasting a ton of gas, I called it a night and headed back to the apartment. Hopefully, Jensen wouldn’t ask why I was home early. I wasn’t sure I could think of a good enough lie. Plus, lying over the phone was one thing, lying to someone's face was really hard.

        When I pulled into my parking space, I noticed Jensen’s car was gone. That was an unexpected relief. With luck, I could be asleep by the time he returned. Well, pretend to be asleep. I wasn’t the least bit tired after sleeping all day.

        I checked the time, noting that it was still early in Kentucky and my mom would probably still be awake. we hadn’t talked in a while and I missed her. She wasn’t aware of what was going on with me lately and I realized that I really wanted to talk to her about it.

        She answered on the first ring.

        “Freya?”

        “Hi, mama.” Hearing her voice broke something in me and my lip trembled.

        “What’s wrong, baby.” Her voice was soft just like I remembered it did when I was having a bad day and she knew I wanted to talk.

        “I want to come home, mama.” I didn’t realize how much until right then. “Can you believe i’ve managed to get myself into more boy drama?”

        “Oh Freya,” she said. She didn’t sound disapproving, but understanding in a way.

        I laid it out for her. Not skipping any details. I told her I thought I might have fallen for my best friend, but he didn’t want me back. Or so he said. I told her about Alex and how I was with him, but wasn’t really with  him.

        She took a moment to scold me then, telling me it wasn’t to lead the ‘poor boy’ on if I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. She told me I wasn’t the kind of girl who lead a boy on, but the one that fell in love with her best friend. So, I needed to cut him loose before I caused damage.

        She was right. She always was.

        “And Freya, baby. If this Jensen is as important to you as you are to him, then don’t give up.”

        “Thanks, mama,” I sniffed. I was glad I called. I could always count on her to set things in perspective and help me sort out the messes I seem to find myself in.

        “Anytime,” she said. “Now come visit soon. We miss you.”

        “I will, I promise. I love you.”

        “And I you.”

        I disconnected the call and dropped my phone onto my lap. Taking a deep breath I climbed out of my car and went inside. I had just put my key into the door when I head Saw’s door open.

        “You know,” I said turning to smile at her. “I’m beginning to think you just stand at your door and wait for me to come home.”

        She was leaning against her door frame, smirking up at me. “I’m your biggest stalker. What can I say? That and you are the only person who drags their feet when walking up those steps.”

        “Duly noted,” I said, frowning.

        “You’re home awfully early.”

        “Yeah. I just drove around for a while. I didn’t really feel like a date.”

        “Really? You went alone?” She looked to the stairs like she expected someone else to walk up them.

        “Yeah. I kinda needed a minute alone. To clear my head and all that.” She shifted and I could tell that she was going to start in on me. “I’m kinda beat, so I think I’m going to hit the hay.”

        She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Because sleeping all day is exhausting?”

        “It’s not a crime to be tired.” I sounded defensive.

        “No, but it’s a crime to pretend to be something you’re not.”

        “I’m fine,” I snapped.

        Her eyebrows raised. “I never said you weren’t.” She gave me one last look, then stepped back into her apartment closing the door. She saw right through me and just called me on it.

        I pushed into my apartment and went straight to my room, locking the door behind me. I went to my bathroom and filled the tub, hoping a relaxing bath would soothe me. My body was tense and a little sore, probably from laying in bed all day, then being cooped up in my car.

        As I lay in the tub I decided to give Jensen a break and stop flaunting myself in front of him. It really wasn’t fair to either of us and to be honest I was a little tired of putting in the extra effort to do it. I also decided to really try to be happy, and I needed to figure something out about Jensen. The look on his face when I left earlier was haunting me and I’d do whatever it took to never have him look at me that way again. Maybe I would talk to Saw. She might have an idea.

        With a renewed sense of purpose, I climbed out of the bath and went to lie down. To my surprise it didn’t take long for sleep to claim me and to my relief I didn’t dream about Jensen the entire night. I hoped that it would be a good sign for how things were going to go.