Thirty-Two

        For the second time in two days someone pounded on my door. Groaning I rolled out of bed and stomped to the door. If it happened to be Derek and a drunken Jensen again they both would walk away with a permanent limp.

        The banging sounded again and more impatient.

        “I’m coming!” I called.

        I fumbled with the locks but decided last minute to leave the chain in place, then pulled the door open. Saw and June greeted me this time. Saw looked pissed and June looked nervous. Undoing the chain, I pulled the door open and let them in.

        “Please tell me you were not just in bed,” Saw demanded as she walked inside. “It’s not even seven!”

        “I’m tired,” I said, obviously.

        “You’re always tired.” She said, rolling her eyes.

        “Did you come all this way to scold me for being tired?” I wouldn’t be surprised because it was very like Saw to do something so ridiculous but I had a feeling she was here for another reason. She was too keyed up and June looked nervous.

I cocked my head and waited for her to get to it.

        “Babe. This has to stop. It’s gone on long enough. I can’t keep watching you go on like this.” Saw said it in a rush as if she was afraid I might interrupt her.

        “We’re worried about you,” June said added.

        “Is this an intervention?” I asked trying to make a joke.

        “This isn’t funny,” Saw insisted and June nodded in agreement.

        “I know it isn’t, but I’m fine. Really.”

        “You are not fine. You are far from fine,” Saw snapped. When I opened my mouth to object, she cut me off. “Talk to him, Freya!”

        “Saw!” June warned but Saw wasn’t having it.

        “No! She needs to hear this,” she argued, then turned her fierce gaze to me. “You need to go to him and you need to talk to him. I look into his eyes every single day and see how miserable he is. Every day he asks me how you're doing because the thought of you being miserable is killing him. I deal with that every single day and I can’t do it anymore. I love you both and I won’t stand by and watch you do this any longer.” Her face was flushed and I could see how much this was hurting her too.

        When I left Jensen, I tried to make it easier on me and I had hoped that everyone else wouldn’t be affected either but it looked like I failed. It would appear that I wasn’t the only person who had been miserable this last month. I had made my friends just as miserable and worried. Thinking about it now, I’m surprised she did  let it go on this long.

        Hell, I  shouldn’t have let it go on this long.

        She’d never been one to beat around the bush or sugar coat anything. Which is why I knew she was right.  

        “Okay,” I sighed. June’s eyes went wide, but Saw must not have heard me right away.

        “No, you…” she paused, then cocked her head to the side. “Okay?”

        “Yes, okay. I will go talk to him. You’re right, of course. It shouldn’t have gone on so long. Sometimes I can be so stubborn and I think this time I couldn’t look past my own pain to see the entire picture. It would appear I’ve caused more damage than anything. So, yes I will go to him. I’m not sure what can be accomplished. I’ve made such a huge mess of things.”

“Oh, thank God!” Saw sighed.

June let out a sniff and threw her arms around me, then reached out and pulled Saw into our group hug.

“Thank you for being awesome friends,” I told them.

Saw pulled out of our hug and grabbed my hand, pulling me to the door.

“Let’s go!”  

        I jerked out of her hold as if she burned me. “Right now?”

        “There’s no time like the present,” she said, eyeing me.

        “I’m in my pajamas and I look like the dead.” No. There was no way I was going looking like this. He probably didn’t want to talk to a zombie.

        “Like he cares,” she said, reaching for me again, but I backed away.

        “I need time to think. Maybe get my thoughts in order.”

        “You mean over think? Like hell. I can’t risk you talking yourself out of going,” Saw crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me. I could tell that she would not budge on this.

        “At least let me change first,” I sighed in defeat.

        She rolled her eyes and sighed. “If you insist but hurry up.”

        I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt not bothering to dress up. My hair was pulled in to a messy bun which was my standard go to these days. I barely had my sneakers on when she was hauling me off my bed and dragging me out the door.

 In the car, I tried to wrap my head around what I was going to say. Should I apologize for accusing him of cheating or wait until he explains his side of the story? I wasn’t sure who was in the right here?

        “What if he had company?” I asked, fidgeting with my hair as we pulled into my old apartment complex.

        “Trust me, he doesn’t. He’s no better than you these days.” She meant it as a joke, but it wasn’t the least bit funny.

        Guilt washed over me. This was my fault. It was one thing making myself miserable but I hadn’t expected him to be just as bad as me. I assumed he would move on once he was free. I hadn’t expected him to be like this too.

        When we parked, Saw pulled me from the vehicle and marched me up the stairs. As the door loomed nearer, I lost my nerve. Pulling back, I gave Saw a panicky look.

        “I can’t do this,” I said.

        “You can and you will,” Saw insisted, reaching for my hand. I stepped out of reach.  

        “No. I’ve made too big of a mess.”

        “Come on, sweetie,” June said, pushing me lightly on the back. “You got this.”

        “I swear to God, I will drag you up there if I have too.” Saw skipped right to threats.

        “You don’t even know if he wants to see me,” I told her.

        “He does and even if he doesn’t, you two will sit down and talk. I don’t care what either of you say.” She reached out again and this time she grabbed me. Just as she was about to force me up the stairs a door banged open and we all froze.

        “Could you keep the bleeding noise…” Jensen cut off when Saw shoved me towards him. I stumbled on the last step and he reached out to catch me.

 Once I was steadied, he pulled back and tucked his hands into his pockets.

 “What are you doing here?”

        My heart took off full sprint at the sight of him and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Surely that wasn’t a good sign, so I shot Saw and June a frantic look, but they weren’t helpful. They both gave me an encouraging smile. I swallowed and turned back to Jensen.

 “I um, came to talk to you. I mean, that is if you still want to talk to me.”

        He said nothing for a long moment and I started to doubt my decisions on coming here. What if he didn’t want to talk anymore? What if I was too late?

        “Um, maybe I should've called first.” I mumbled, backing up a step.

        His eyes snapped to attention and he tracked the movement. The look he gave me froze me to the spot and I didn’t dare try to move further. His hand wiped out and grabbed mine, pulling me towards him. I stumbled again, but found my footing as he pulled me into his apartment.  

        The first thing I noticed was that the apartment looked exactly the same, minus all my books. As soon as I stepped inside, I knew I was home. It was a feeling I missed and I had to work to keep myself in check. It wouldn’t due to break down before we even had a chance to talk.

When I turned to face Jensen, I found that he was watching me. I smiled nervously and made my way to the chair and took a seat, deciding to just make myself at home. He followed, taking his own seat.

        My nerves got the best of me and I asked the first thing that popped into my head.

        “So, how have you been?” I cringed at the stupidity of the question.  

        “Do you really want me to answer that?” He asked, dryly. Just from looking at him I could probably guess how he’s been, but decided I might as well hear it too, so I nodded.  “Not so good, pet.”

        “Me either,” I sighed, looking away. I couldn’t gauge what was going on behind those eyes and I was so scared that I was too late and the damage was done. “I… I wanted to tell you I am sorry. We should have talked sooner but I can be so stubborn sometimes.”

        “Look at me,” his voice was low and I could hear an undercurrent of emotion.

        A lump formed in my throat, but I swallowed it back. Taking a deep breath, I settled my gaze on him and what I saw nearly broke me. The pain and hurt I had caused was etched deep into his face and more than, that the evidence he still loved me shown through.

        I could see it now, what I had been so determined to ignore before. The truth rang clear in those eyes and I knew now that no matter what those pictures showed Jensen never stepped out on me. The fact that I was so quick to believe he had said more about me than anything and I was so ashamed. Yet here he was ready to forgive me despite everything.

        “I can understand why you left. I’m not sure what those pictures contained, but I wish I did. Maybe then it would shed light on this whole situation. What hurt the most, Freya, is after everything I shared with you, everything we shared together, you so easily dismissed it all.” Guilt washed through me and I had to look away.

        “We never made sense,” I whispered. It was a stupid excuse, but it was all I had.

        He walked over to kneel in front of me, taking my hands into his.

        “You’re the only thing in my life that makes sense, luv. Since the day you came into my life you’re all I see. You are all I want. You have to believe that.” And I realized that I did believe him.

        Looking back, I couldn’t remember a time when Jensen had been dishonest with anyone. Even before us he had always been upfront with everyone. He always told it like it was. Hell, he gave Saw a run for her money when it came to speaking the truth.  

        What little hold I had on my emotions cracked. He reached up, catching a few tears that had fallen. His hand cupped my cheek, and I leaned into him.

        “I love you, Freya,” he murmured. “Only you.”

        I was like something clicked inside my head and I realized that nothing else mattered. Not the pictures or who sent them. All that mattered was that I could see the truth in his face and I could see the love he held for me. I was such a fool for trying to throw that away.

        I threw my arms around him and he wrapped me into a hug. He pulled me onto his lap and held me tight. He kissed me on the top of my head and murmured softly to me.

        “I love you Jensen,” I mumbled into his chest.

        Despite the huge weight that had lifted off my shoulders, I felt completely exhausted. Snuggled into his chest my eyes drooped closed, but I snapped them back open. Sleep should be the furthest thing from my mind right now, but being sleep deprived for the last month was finally taking its toll.

        Jensen must have realized my condition because he tightened his grip on me and lifted me up. He carried me into the guest room. He obviously hadn’t bothered to take over the master bedroom. I wanted to ask why but I couldn’t seem to find the energy to form words.

        He deposited me onto the bed and tugged at my shoes and jeans. He walked over to the dresser and pulled out a long tee and tossed it onto my lap. Sluggishly, I undressed the rest of the way and pulled the tee over my head and lay back onto the pillow. The bed dipped as Jensen climbed in beside me and I rolled into his side.

        He wrapped me in his arms and held me close.

        “I’ve missed this so much, luv,” he murmured into my hair. “I’ve scarcely been able to sleep without you.”

        I managed to mumble ‘same’ before the darkness took hold and pulled me under.

        It was the best night’s sleep I had had in a long time and when I woke I felt rested. I stretched my arms and legs working out the stiffness that had happened during the obvious dead sleep I had just had. When I opened my eyes, I found myself in an unfamiliar room.

        I turned to find a very happy Jensen propped up on an elbow watching me. His mouth pulled into a grin when he realized I was awake.

        “Good morning, luv,” he said, softly.

        “Good? This is the best morning I’ve had in awhile,” I grinned, snuggling close to him.

        He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close. I buried my nose in his chest and sighed happily. Being this close to him made me feel like my heart was going to burst from my chest. The happiness I felt filled me up and threatened to explode out of me like confetti out of a popper.

        “This doesn’t feel real,” he murmured into my hair. “I’ve longed to hold you in my arms. Dreamed of it every night and now that I have it, I’m afraid I’ll wake up and it will all have been a dream.”

        The pain and joy in his voice was raw and guilt swept me up replacing my happiness. It was almost as bad as the pain I felt before when I thought he had betrayed me. To know that I was capable of causing that much pain to a person I loved was almost unbearable.

        “I love you, Jensen. So much,” I murmured my throat thick with emotion.

His arms tightened around me and he pressed a light kiss on top of my hair.

“And I love you.” He smiled, pushing me gently onto my back so that he could peer down at me. “I’m never letting you go again. Not without a fight.”

“I’m never leaving again,” I vowed, pulling his head down to mine.