Thirty

        Giving up on taming my hair, I tossed it into a messy bun and grabbed my bag from the spot I tossed it by the door every day. June and Saw would just have to deal with me being late. It was like my new thing these days. I was rarely on time for anything.

        They insisted on getting out and celebrating my first month at the bar. It was more like surviving my first month at this point. June always made it sound like a great place to work and she always had a great time. After the first week she said things would get better and I would come to love it as much as she did.

        She was wrong.

        The manager was a complete asshole who was always inappropriate. He never approved days off when you asked for him. It was his schedule or no schedule. Which is how I ended up working through the Christmas holiday instead of going home like planned. I thought my mother was going to shit a reindeer when I broke the news to her.

        Most of the waitresses were sluts and were there for a good time rather than to work. They almost always found someone to leave with at the end of the night. The only other likable person there besides June was a bartender named Conor. He was a good ol’ boy from Texas and loved to use that southern accent to his advantage.

        School was the only place that felt normal. It was the only constant in my life and I was grateful for it. It was my new escape and my grades had never been better.  

        Saw and June were waiting for me at the entrance of the mall and I could tell that they were getting impatient.

        “About time!” Saw scolded me as soon as I met them.

        “Sorry. I couldn’t find anything to wear and my hair is shit.” Self- concsciously, I tucked a stray hair behind my ear.

        “I can’t imagine why.” Saw gave me a once over and I could see the disapproval on her face.

        “I eat, Saw.” She was constantly on my case about eating.

        “Not enough,” she shot back. “If the wind picks up anymore, you’ll blow away.”

        “Well, I think you look fantastic!” June cut in and narrowed her eyes at Saw. “Let’s head in and maybe we can find you some new clothes.” She was the peacekeeper these days. Not that Saw and I weren’t getting along, we just seem to be in more disagreements lately.

        “Okay,” I shrugged and lead the way into the mall. “Who does your hair, Saw? I need to do something different with mine. It’s a mess.” Excitement lit her eyes.

        “I go to a place down from the shop, I’ll set you up an appointment.” She clapped her hands excitedly and I was glad to have made her happy.

        “What do you want to do with it?” June asked.

        “At this point, I’ll consider anything. Maybe even chopping it off,” I shrugged. “I’m just sick of dealing with it.”

        “Don’t you dare! Your hair is beautiful!” Saw exclaimed. I rolled my eyes.

        “Yeah, well I’m just tired of it. Maybe I’ll dye it blue.” I was only joking, but I had to admit I wouldn’t mind an out of the box color. Saw always had a different color and her hair was always hair goals.

“Oh! Black and blue ombre,” She said, bouncing on the balls of her feet. I could almost see the wheels turning in that little head of hers.

“Sounds good,” I laughed.

“You guys are so brave,” June sighed. “I’ve never colored or gotten more than a trim before.”

“If my hair looked like yours, I wouldn’t either.” Her hair was naturally beautiful. Perks of her native american heritage.

Saw nodded in agreement.

“Not to dwell on past events or people,” Saw started. My guard flew up and I braced myself for what she might say next. “Things with Alex seem to be non existent.” My shoulders relaxed and I let out a steady breath.

“No. I think he finally got the message. He hadn’t even been around campus.” I pondered that for a moment trying to think back to the last time I had seen Alex. Was it when I bumped into him on campus? It didn’t matter. I was just glad I don't have to worry about him anymore.

First Josh, then Alex, and now Jensen. I was the worst at this guy thing.

“Well, maybe all this guy trouble is behind you,” June said ever the optimist.

“I sure hope so,” I sighed.

“Maybe not just yet.” I heard Saw mutter under her breath.

I turned to arch an eyebrow at her and she nodded behind me. I should have suspected danger when June shot me a panicked look, but that didn’t stop me from turning around to see what Saw had been talking about.  

        Jensen was standing in one of the many food shop lines, a few yards in front of us. My stomach fluttered at the sight of him and my body yearned to go to him. He looked so different from the last time I had seen him and it broke my heart a little more.

        All his beautiful hair was gone. The sides were faded, and the top was ruffled into a mess at the top. As much as I loved his long hair, this style also suited him. His beard was now close shaved instead of the full beard that was the envy of all beards. It was as if he was a whole other person.

        “You’re not the only one who stopped trying and needed a change,” Saw said from beside me.

        My breath caught, and I had to look away. “Let’s go, okay?” I started towards him, intent on just walking past him, not waiting to see if the girls followed me.

        I was almost in the clear when he lifted his head and those beautiful eyes landed on me. My eyes went wide and I imagined I looked like a deer caught in headlights. He opened his mouth to say something and I sucked in a breath and bolted.

        Logic escaped me and I ran the wrong way, away from the closest exit. It was stupid and foolish but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. Seeing him rattled the protective walls I had built and I had a feeling seeing him would send them tumbling down.

        When I felt I had gotten far enough away, I ducked into the nearest store and hid behind the racks. The sales ladies gave me questioning looks. I shrugged at them and pretended to browse as I kept an eye on the door. A few seconds later he jogged past not giving this store a second glance.

        I waited a few more minutes, then decided the coast was clear. As I headed out of the shop, I searched through my bag looking for my phone. Saw and June were probably looking for me and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to continue this disastrous shopping trip. Not after I had just made a complete fool of myself.

        “Got something you want to tell me, luv?” My head shot up to find a smirking Jensen looking down on me.

        “W-what?” I stammered, and he pointed up at the store I just left. It was a maternity clothing store.

        The memory of the last night Jensen and I had been together flashed in my mind, then to a few weeks later when my period was late. I had worked myself into such a panic that Saw wanted me to go see someone. It turned out to be a false alarm and I chalked it up to the stress of everything.

        “That was a false alarm,” I snapped without thinking.

“What was?” he asked, confused.

“Nothing,” I mumbled and to my relief he didn’t press the issue.  

        His eyes roamed over me and I shifted nervously. It was bad enough I was getting shit from Saw but it looked like I catch it from him too. He looked blessed than pleased with my new appearance. Not everyone could still look amazing after a hard breakup.

        “Saw said you had lost weight, but she never said it was this bad.” His voice dripped with anger. “When was the last time you ate something, luv?” He had some nerve scolding me like I was a child.

        I crossed my arms over my chest and narrowed my eyes.

        “That’s none of your business but if you must know I ate this morning.” It was a banana and the only thing I’d eaten today but he didn’t need to know that. The way he was looking me was making me self conscious not to mention it was hard to tell what was going on behind those eyes.

        “I gotta go,” I said, backing away.

        “They can wait. I want to talk to you.” His voice was harsh.

        “Well I don’t want to talk to you.” My voice was equally harsh.

        “Freya please,” he pleaded.  The pain in his voice tore at the old wounds that were still raw.

        I backed away shaking my head and gave him a weary look. This was not the place nor the time. Things were still too sore to get into right now. Maybe in time I could sit with him if he still wanted but no. Not right now.

        He didn’t stop me this time as I disappeared into the crowd. Once I reached the nearest exit I dialed Saw.

        “Freya! Where are you?!” She said when she answered.

        “I’m at the west side exit. I think I’m just going to clear out.”

        “No, you can’t leave!” I could hear June scoff in the background. “We haven’t hung out in forever. I’ll tell him to leave you alone. He won't bother you.”

        “Fine,” I groaned. Being a good friend won out. Plus, I wanted to hang out with them. “I’ll meet you guys inside.”

        “Good. We’re headed that way now.” She said, then hung up.

        When I found them, I prepared myself for the questioning that was sure to ensure but it never came. They lead me to the nearest department store and to the women’s clothing. Looks like I would be doing all my shopping here today.

        We browsed for an hour getting lost in the clothes. No one spoke a word about Jensen and I was grateful. My mind was too busy over analyzing as it was. The mindless browsing was nice and I was happy to have found a few items that I liked. At least the trip wasn’t a complete bust.

        After we finished clothes shopping, the girls talked me into going to June’s favorite Chinese buffet for an early dinner. The food was amazing and we are until we were stuffed. They did a terrible job at hiding their surprise when I ate more than both of them. I couldn’t help but be a bit smug.

        Too soon, I was pulling into my apartment complex. I sat in my car staring disgustedly at the building. This place was the worst place, and it killed me to have to go inside. After spending time with the girls I didn’t feel like being alone right now. But work loomed near and I had to get inside to get ready. Mack may have been lax on my appearance but my new manager would have a fit if I looked less than stellar.

        I took my time getting ready. Really putting effort into it. It would be a nice change if I didn’t have to hear it from my manager about how I was bringing down the place with my depressed look. He really was an ass. Maybe I should look for a new job.