Chapter 10
Jules
An assortment of three different varieties of cookie had been assembled in a box on the counter. Jules double-checked them once more to make sure he’d gotten equal amounts before closing the lid. The shop was closed for the day, he’d finished cleaning everything up, and now he’d made up his mind to go visit his newest niece.
The cookies were for Jasper and Tony. All of their favorites, arranged with care and ready to be consumed. His brother had been begging him to come visit for several days now. Jules had put it off by burying himself in his work, but the truth was that the shop just wasn’t that busy. He probably could’ve closed the shop early every day that week and not missed out on any sales. Nearly all of his orders came by phone now anyway.
No, the reality was that Jules had been avoiding Jasper. He wasn’t really ready to face the happy family. He knew that if he did, he’d be forced to confront the unresolved emotions that swirled in his chest.
After his last encounter with Kilo, he’d done everything in his power to just forget about romance and love and families. It hadn’t gone over well.
More than once, he’d caught himself preparing to head over to pick up India from daycare after work. Something funny would happen and he’d start texting the story to Kilo, only to remember what had happened.
Jules finished packing up the cookies, took one last look around the shop, and then headed outside. As soon as the shop was locked up, he hopped in his van and began making his way across town to Jasper’s house.
The route took him past the park and gave him a clear view of the tree that he’d sat under with Kilo and India that day. There was another family there now, with multiple kids. They seemed to be having fun as they ran back and forth around the base of the tree. The kids were throwing frisbees and playing with a dog. The parents were taking turns chasing the kids down and playing with them.
It was a snapshot of the life the Jules had always imagined for himself. A life with a big family.
He took a deep, shuddering breath and refocused on the road.
By the time he reached Jasper’s house, he’d mostly gotten his emotions under control. As he carried the cookies up to the front door, he texted his brother to let him know he was there. The last thing he wanted to do was ring the doorbell, or knock on the door, and wake the new baby up.
The front door opened before Jules reached the porch and he was greeted by Tony.
“Good to see you,” he said with a soft smile. The Alpha looked exhausted but content. “Jubilee just woke up from a nap. Jasper’s feeding her in the living room.” He beckoned for Jules to come inside.
“I brought you guys something,” said Jules, handing the box off to Tony as he reached the front door. “I know that Jalie and Mom have been cooking casseroles and stuff for you guys. I figured I’d bring dessert.”
“This is really great. Thank you so much, Jules,” said Tony, peeking inside the box. “I know Jasper will be thrilled. He’s been craving sweets lately.”
As Tony withdrew to put the cookies in the kitchen, Jules made his way into the living room.
Jasper was sitting sideways on the sofa with his legs propped up on some pillows. Baby Jubilee was swaddled in a bright pink blanket and snuggled in his arms as she nursed from a bottle.
“Hey, you,” said Jasper, looking up at Jules with a tired smile on his face. “Lookee here, Juju. It’s your Uncle Jules. Uncle Jules has come to visit.” He looked back down at Jubilee, who’s eyes were closed as she continued with her meal.
“She’s beautiful, Jasper,” said Jules, who was immediately filled with quiet reverence. He gingerly sat in the overstuffed chair beside the couch, careful not to make too much noise, lest he disturb her.
“She’s pretty chill too,” said Jasper. “She sleeps pretty soundly and barely cries unless something’s wrong. I’ve been keeping her with me pretty much constantly so that might help a little too.” He gently tickled her cheek with his index finger.
Jules folded his hands in his lap and peered over at her. She looked so tiny and fragile that she might as well have been a porcelain doll. It was mesmerizing to watch her little movements.
“Would you like to finish feeding her?” offered Jasper. “I’ve got to pee like no other, so you’d be helping me out.”
“Oh, um...y-yeah, sure.” Jules had held babies before. He’d helped Jalie with all three of her kids at one time or another. Every time though, he was filled with the same sense of awe and wonderment. How could he be trusted to hold something so perfectly delicate?
“Here...” Jasper shifted slowly, and easily transferred Jubilee into her uncle’s arms. She didn’t seem at all disturbed by the slight interruption to her meal. In fact, she picked up right where she left off, no worse for wear.
“I’ll be right back,” Jasper reassured him as he climbed from the sofa and quickly shuffled out of the room.
Jules looked down at his niece’s little face. Every detail seemed so perfect. From her adorable little button nose down to her perfect little fingers. Her beautiful long eyelashes, her pudgy little cheeks, and the wispy hair on her head were all so fine and delicate that he could barely stand it. He felt as if something deep within his gut had been caught in a vise. It squeezed and ached so badly that he thought part of him might break. That deep, overwhelming, and completely all-encompassing desire to have a child of his own.
Yet, if he was with Kilo, that would never happen. He would never hold a little one of his own like this. He would never experience the joys of pregnancy and new parenthood. His family would never crowd together in the waiting room awaiting the birth of his child.
If he was being perfectly honest with himself, he loved Kilo. He knew deep down that he wanted to be with the Alpha and his daughter. The three of them had been such a perfect little family together, and he wanted to be with them again.
But Kilo would deny him the opportunity to ever have children. Kilo’s selfishness wouldn’t even let him seek out a donor so he could have kids that way.
Of course, Jules had to admit to himself that he respected Kilo’s fears. He knew there were plenty of people that shared that same fear. It couldn’t be easy, being the partner of someone who was pregnant via donor sperm. The fears and insecurities must be difficult to bear. Kilo had been up-front about his feelings on the subject, and Jules was doing his best to be understanding. Unfortunately, the emotional conflict inside him wasn’t pulling any punches.
He looked back down at baby Jubilee’s face.
Could he be content with just a stepdaughter? He had nieces and a nephew, and his family was so tightly knit that they were always around. Would that be enough to soothe his paternal instincts? Jules just wasn’t sure.
“How’s she doing?” asked Jasper as he returned from his trip to the bathroom. He’d apparently swung by the kitchen and grabbed one of the cookies that Jules had brought along.
“She’s fine,” said Jules, smiling up at his brother. “I think she’s just about done with this bottle,” he observed.
“That’s good,” said Jasper, dropping onto the sofa. “She’s a big eater. Mom says she’s probably gonna start growing like a weed.”
“I wouldn’t doubt it,” agreed Jules, gently pulling the nearly empty bottle from his niece’s lips. She didn’t put up much of a fuss, as milk dribbled down her chin. She opened her big eyes and looked up at Jules sleepily. He felt as if his heart was melting.
“Here, take this,” offered Jasper, passing him a soft towel.
Jules gently wiped away the milk on her chin.
Jasper finished eating his cookie and gently lifted his daughter into his arms. Holding her in a sitting position, he gently began patting her back to try and help her burp.
Sitting back in his chair, Jules watched the proceedings thoughtfully.
“What’re you thinking about?” asked Jasper, looking up at his brother as he continued to gently pat Jubilee’s back.
“I just...” Jules shook his head slowly as he tried to clear his head. “Would you still be with Tony even if you knew you’d never be able to have kids? Like, for whatever reason, being with Tony meant that you’d never be able to have Jubilee. Would you still marry him?”
“Yes,” said Jasper without hesitation.
Jules flinched a little at the suddenness of his brother’s response. He’d assumed that it was a difficult decision that would take some thinking over, but Jasper apparently didn’t need to think it over.
“You know I’ve always wanted kids,” continued Jasper, “but the way I feel for Tony...the bond we share, that’s deeper than my desire for children. I wouldn’t want to have kids with anyone other than Tony. If, for whatever reason, he couldn’t have kids, then I would still be with him. I couldn’t imagine marrying anyone else and I would rather be childless with him, than surrounded by kids with someone else.”
Jules looked away. His thoughts were reeling as he tried to take in his brother’s words.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re gonna be sick,” observed Jasper. He gently wiped away some spit-up from Jubilee’s mouth. Once he was satisfied, he settled her back into his arms so she could sleep.
“No, I mean, yes I’m fine. No, I’m not gonna be sick.” Jules shook his head as he tried to focus once more. “I guess I just...I thought your answer would be different. I didn’t think you would be willing to trade anything for your ability to have children.”
“I know it’s difficult to imagine since you’ve had such crappy luck with the Alphas you’ve dated,” said Jasper with a frown. “That’s not meant as an insult, I honestly feel badly that you haven’t been able to find anyone that sticks. Once you do, I think you’ll understand what I’m trying to say. When you find the right Alpha, it won’t matter if you can’t have children. He’ll be the other half of your soul. You might think you need kids in order to feel complete, but that’s not true. What you need is to find the right Alpha. Everything else will make sense after that.”
Jules was nodding to himself as he slowly rose from the chair.
“Are you heading out?” asked Jasper, looking up at him with a curious expression on his face.
“Um, yeah...” said Jules. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was going, but he felt like he needed some space to try and sort through his thoughts. “I love you guys,” he said as he pressed a goodbye kiss to Jasper’s forehead. “Take care of my niece. I’ll try to stop by again soon.”
“You better,” said Jasper as Jules withdrew. “I only ever see Mom and Jalie, and they’re driving me crazy with all of their ‘mothering.’”
“I’ll text you tomorrow,” said Jules, waving goodbye as he slipped out the front door and onto the porch. It was early evening and the sun was beginning to set. He barely even noticed the wash of colors in the sky as Jasper’s words tumbled through his head.
He robotically started up the car and drove away. The suburbs slowly drifted past him as he turned down one street after another. He had no particular destination in mind, no real idea where he was going. At some point, well after dark, he found himself driving past a twenty-four-hour gas station on the edge of town. He stopped to pee and grab some snacks, but they sat uneaten on the passenger’s seat as he hit the road again.
His wandering path carried him back through town. Purposelessly winding through streets, turning over old memories in his head and trying to put together the mess of thoughts that crowded in his brain.
It wasn’t until the sky began to lighten again that he started to take note of his surroundings. He was in Jalie’s neighborhood.
He came to a stop outside her house and parked against the curb. He switched off the car, but couldn’t bring himself to move from his seat. For whatever reason, he felt frozen in place. The messed up tangle of thoughts in his head seemed even more snarled than it had been before.
A soft knock at the passenger’s side window drew his attention. Jules blinked several times before realizing that his sister had come running outside in her pajamas, wrapped in a robe. She had a look of concern written all over her face.
He absently unlocked the car doors and she climbed in.
“What’re you doing here so early?” Jalie asked as she moved the bag of snacks into the back seat and closed the door behind her. She shivered against the morning chill and leveled a frown at her brother. “Alex told me that your car pulled up but you didn’t get out. Jasper called me last night after you left and said he was kinda worried about you. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah...no...I don’t...” Jules sighed and shook his head. “I’ve been driving all night trying to clear my head, and every time I think I’ve reached an answer, I get confused all over again.”
“Look, why don’t you come inside and have some coffee?” suggested Jalie. “The kids are still sleeping. I don’t have to go to work for a couple of hours. Let’s just work through this together, okay?”
“I just...Jalie...” Jules looked over at her as his vision blurred with the threat of tears. He was trying desperately to hold them back, but it was proving to be more difficult than he had anticipated. “I want kids. I want kids so badly it hurts. I’ve always pictured myself with kids. A big family just like the one we grew up in.”
“I know,” confirmed Jalie, nodding her head slowly.
“Yet here I am...single, again. No kids. No potential for kids. Jasper’s got a baby. You’ve got kids. I...don’t...”
“Jules...”
“But I need to know, Jalie...if you went back in time to before you and Alex were married. If you knew that being with Alex meant that you’d never have June, and Jane, and Jessie, would you still get married?”
Jalie took a deep breath and looked out the window, back at the house where her children were still sleeping. “Yes, I would,” she said after a moment of silence.
Again, Jules felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach. He was left speechless as his sister looked back at him.
“Without Alex, I wouldn’t have kids,” continued Jalie. “But even if I knew Alex couldn’t have kids, I would still want to get married. I simply can’t imagine my life without my Alpha. It’s not that I can imagine my life without my kids...if I lost them now, I don’t think I would ever recover. But if we go back to before they were born, to before we were married, then yes...yes I would choose to be with my Alpha, even if it meant my children would never be.”
Jules felt as if he was trembling. A hot tear spilled down his cheek as understanding and relief finally washed over him.
“Come inside, please,” coaxed Jalie. “Alex is making breakfast, you can sleep on the couch for a little while. You look absolutely exhausted and I don’t want to let you drive in this state.” She didn’t seem to fully understand what her brother was going through but, like any good sibling, she was doing her best to take care of him.
“Yeah, okay...” Jules relented, slowly gathering up his keys and climbing out of the car.
Jalie breathed an audible sigh of relief. They headed inside together, and soon he was seated at the table with his sister and her Alpha. He ate in silence, barely paying attention to the conversation as Jalie and Alex discussed the day’s itinerary.
Jules’s thoughts were elsewhere.
If he let go of the need to have children, if he silenced his biological clock’s incessant ticking, he knew that there was no one else he’d rather be with than Kilo. Try as he might, he couldn’t picture having children with anyone else. Even though a future with Kilo meant that he’d never actually be able to have kids of his own, he knew he wanted to be there for India. He wanted to help Kilo raise her. To go to her various after-school activities and help with homework, skinned knees, and broken hearts.
Despite having children of their own, both of his siblings would choose a childless future with their Alphas than a child-filled future with anyone else. Their devotion had helped him realize something he already knew. He would be a fool to turn his back on the greatest love he’d ever known.
A soft smile was plastered on his face as he passed out on his sister’s sofa.
He slept for several hours, and when he woke up, the house was empty. Jalie had left a note for him on the table, telling him to stay as long as needed. She also left instructions on how to set the alarm and lock the front door when he finally left. There were also several crayon doodles on the back of the note, presumably from his nieces and nephew. He smiled softly and folded up the blanket that someone had covered him with.
Tucking the note in his pocket, he followed the instructions, and headed out.
He felt refreshed, revitalized, and full of purpose. Everything was clear in his head now, and he felt foolish for taking so long to figure things out.
Jules drove across town in record time, taking all the shortcuts he possibly could. By the time he reached Kilo’s shop, it was already nearly noon.
He was a bundle of nerves as he climbed out of the car and approached the front door. Kilo might not want to talk to him after the way he stormed off last time they spoke.
Despite his fears, Jules wasn’t about to back down. He needed to say what was in his heart, and for that, he was willing to face down any fear.
When he entered the shop, Kilo was busy in the back of the shop, while some customers hovered near the front counter.
Jules drifted to the far side of the front room and focused his attention on the various posters on the wall as he tried to steady his resolve.
“Here you go folks, the posters you ordered. I’ve placed them in these protective cardboard tubes. I suggest getting them framed if you want them to last. There’s a good framer at the end of the block. If you tell him Kilo sent you, he’ll give you a discount.” Kilo sounded so professional as he dealt with his clients.
The customers sounded absolutely delighted with the posters he’d printed for them and continued to go on and on about how they were going to recommend him to all of their friends.
It took Kilo several minutes to usher them out of the shop. When they were finally gone, Jules’s heart rate spiked. This was it. He needed to do or say something now.
“Jules?” Kilo’s voice sounded uneven as he spoke. He’d clearly noticed the Omega now and had taken several steps towards him before stopping short in the middle of the room.
“Kilo...” Jules forced himself to slowly turn and face the Alpha. “I...I’m sorry for dropping in on you like this.”
“No, don’t be. That was the last order to go out for the day,” said Kilo with a shrug. “Unless someone else comes in with a new order, everything else is pretty much dealt with for the moment.” The Alpha was smiling casually, but there was a nervousness in his eyes that Jules couldn’t help but recognize.
“I wanted to apologize,” Jules slowly began. “The other day, I walked out, and I wasn’t really trying to be very understanding of you.”
“No, I...Jules, I should never have kept my infertility from you. It wasn’t fair, and I realize that I made a huge mistake.” Kilo’s tone sounded pained as his face contorted to reflect his inner struggle. “I don’t want to lose you because of my lie, but...”
“Please, I don’t...I’m not...” Jules’s train of thought was derailing. He hadn’t counted on Kilo being so plagued with guilt. “I came here to tell you that none of that matters to me anymore,” he blurted at last.
Kilo seemed frozen in place. His mouth opened several times as if he was going to speak, but no words came out. “I don’t understand,” he said at last.
Jules’s chest felt tight as he pushed back the last lump of emotion in his throat. “I don’t...want to have kids if it’s not with you,” he said at last. “Since you can’t have kids...then neither will I.”
“Jules...” Kilo looked like he wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry.
“It shouldn’t have taken me this long to realize how much you mean to me,” said Jules, stepping towards Kilo. “Every moment I spend with you and India is crystallized in my memory and treasured beyond belief. I don’t want to lose what you and I have together. I don’t want to give up the possibility of a future with you and your daughter. If it means that I can’t have children of my own, then so be it. That’s a price I’m willing to pay to be with you.”
Kilo closed the distance between them and took Jules’s hands in his own. “I can’t...Jules...are you sure about this?”
“Yes, I am.” Jules smiled up at him, despite the tears welling up in his eyes. “I can’t imagine my life without you in it. I would love to have kids with you, but I’m not willing to sacrifice my relationship with you in order to have kids with someone else.”
“This...I’m...don’t get me wrong,” said Kilo, pressing Jules’s hands to his lips before continuing, “I want to be with you more than anything, but what you’re saying...” He shook his head slowly. “I don’t want you to grow to resent me when we’re old and childless. You don’t have to do this.”
“I do,” said Jules, reaching up and caressing Kilo’s cheek with one hand. “I want to be with you, Kilo. I want to spend my life at your side. Besides...we won’t be childless. We’ll have India...” He felt as if his heart would burst as he spoke those last words. The look in Kilo’s eyes reflected his own. Pain at knowing just what Jules was giving up, but joy that they were moving forward with their relationship together.
“I don’t think you’ll ever fully understand exactly how much you mean to me,” said Kilo at last. “I’m sorry that I can’t give you the family you always wanted. It hurts me deeply to know that you have to give that up to be with me. I don’t...I never would’ve asked you to do that.”
“I know,” said Jules with a soft, bittersweet smile on his lips. “But you don’t have to. You and India are enough for me. I’m sure of it now.”