Chapter 9
Kilo
Guilt coiled around Kilo’s neck like a noose. He couldn’t bear the weight of it and escape had been his only option.
Driving back home, with India nestled safely in the back seat, his thoughts continued incessantly drifting back to the hospital waiting room. The look in Jules’s eyes when his sister had nudged him. The knowing wink that she’d shot at Kilo. And, of course, the secret that none of them knew. He couldn’t give Jules a baby and he would never be able to.
He’d kept it to himself for too long. He’d had opportunities in the past and he’d never taken them. The moment had never been right for it, or something would come up. There had always been an excuse.
When he finally got back home, he unloaded India from the car and gingerly carried her inside. She’d had a big day and was fast asleep in his arms by the time he made it to the living room. He laid her down in her playpen, then sat on the sofa nearby, just watching her sleep. She’d grown so close to Jules over the last several weeks. Watching the two of them together had been a joy for Kilo.
Now he couldn’t help but wonder if all of that was over.
He sat there, motionless, just watching his daughter sleep for several hours. He felt numb, trapped in his own thoughts, drowning in a quicksand of guilt entirely of his own construction.
It took him a moment to realize that someone was knocking at the front door. Even when he finally noticed it, he was still reluctant to drag himself from the sofa. He knew who it was, and he wasn’t sure he had the courage to face what was coming.
Still, ignoring the problem would only make things worse. No, he needed to do this.
Kilo hefted himself to his feet and made his way to the front door.
“Why did you take off without saying goodbye?” Jules asked as soon as the door had opened. “I get that my family can be a little overwhelming, so it’s cool if you needed a break. You could’ve at least given me a kiss first.”
Kilo looked away and didn’t immediately respond as the Omega let himself in and closed the door behind him.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” said Kilo, finally gathering his courage enough to face the moment.
“Does it have to do with what Jalie said?” asked Jules, leaning against the wall and looking down at his feet. “I noticed the way you flinched when she winked at you.”
“Yeah, it does,” said Kilo. He glanced around and nodded towards the dining room. Jules wordlessly moved to one of the chairs around the kitchen table. Despite the fact that it was his suggestion, Kilo couldn’t bring himself to sit. Instead, he stood behind one of the chairs across from Jules and clutched it in both hands.
“Look, whatever it is, we’ll handle it,” said Jules. “I know you’re probably worried about the future, especially after what happened to Dez—”
“It’s not that,” Kilo interrupted him. Somehow, Jules’s understanding nature was just making everything worse. “It’s not about Dez at all...at least not really.” He sighed and shook his head. “I told you about my cancer. I told you what happened to Dez. What I didn’t tell you is that the cancer treatments...they made me infertile. I can’t give you kids, Jules.”
“I...I don’t...” Jules shook his head and seemed to be struggling to process what he’d just been told. “At all?”
“The doctors told us this might happen before I began the treatment,” continued Kilo. “That’s why I pushed Dez so hard. Even if I survived, I would never be able to have kids. It was now or never. He agreed, but also made me bank some sperm for the future. So I did—”
“Then there’s still hope,” blurted Jules. “We can have kids together.”
Kilo’s heart felt like it was about to burst in his chest. It took all of his strength to keep his face stoic and emotionless. “No...we can’t...”
Jules’s expression fell. “I mean, I know that’s a lot to ask. We haven’t been dating that long, but Kilo—”
“That’s not what I meant,” said Kilo, shaking his head slowly. “There was a mistake at the sperm bank and they lost my samples. They’re gone. By the time they discovered the mistake, the treatments had already done their damage and there was no chance of replacing them. There was a lawsuit, Dez insisted, and I won enough money to open my shop. It’s a poor replacement for children, but there it is.” He couldn’t bring himself to meet Jules’s face as he finished speaking.
“I don’t understand.” Jules’s voice sounded like he was on the verge of tears. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me sooner. I’m...you know how much this means to me. You know how much I want to have kids. I’ve never hidden that from you. Yet you,” he rose from his seat and placed his hands on the table, “you hid this from me. You let me go on thinking and dreaming about a future with you where we could have a family together.”
The Omega’s pain laced his every word. The sting of betrayal was written all over his face.
And Kilo couldn’t blame him. All he could think to do was weather the storm, the anger, as best he could because he deserved it.
“I’m so, so sorry, Jules.” Kilo finally looked back up at the Omega. “I didn’t...I meant to tell you sooner. At the same time, I was scared that if I told you everything would be over between us. I’ve been falling for you and I didn’t want to lose the relationship that we’d started together. I didn’t want to lose your beautiful smile or the way you make me feel.
“Seeing you with India made me realize that I want you to be with me, with us, as a family. I know you want more of a commitment from me and I’ve been dying to give it to you. But I know that you want children, and it’s been killing me inside to know that I’ll never be able to give that to you.”
Jules slowly sank back into his chair as Kilo spoke. His eyes were red-rimmed with the threat of tears, yet he’d managed to keep them at bay. Instead, he focused on the table in front of him and seemed to be turning something over in his head.
“I...I don’t...” The Omega seemed to be struggling to find the words to voice his thoughts. He kept glancing up at Kilo and then looking away quickly. “What about donor sperm?” he asked at last.
Kilo hadn’t been expecting him to switch gears so quickly and it caught him entirely off guard. The thought had occurred to him in the past, but he’d immediately rejected it.
“I don’t think I can do that,” said Kilo after a long moment of silence. “I want to say ‘yes.’ I want to be able to tell you to use donor sperm, but I can’t. I can’t because, if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see it as mine. I know there are people that can do that, but I’m not one of them.”
“At all?” Jules asked, looking up at Kilo with desperation in his eyes. “You wouldn’t even be willing to try?”
“I don’t think it would be fair to the child,” said Kilo, looking away. He couldn’t stand the look in those beautiful eyes. Every part of him wanted to cave and give in to the Omega’s desires. What he wanted, more than anything else in the world, was for Jules to be happy and by his side. However, deep down, he knew that giving in on this would ultimately lead to pain and misery for them and any children involved. “I’m terrified that I wouldn’t be able to bond with the baby properly. I would hate that.”
Jules slowly rose from his seat with an unreadable expression on his face. He took a deep breath and laid a hand on the table. “I...I appreciate you being so honest with me, at last.”
Those words stung Kilo more deeply than he’d expected them to.
“I don’t know what else to say right now,” the Omega continued. “I think I just need some time alone to think things through.”
“Jules...” Kilo could feel his heart beginning to crumble. He thought he’d prepared himself for this, but the reality was that it hurt so much more than he’d expected.
“Please, Kilo, just...give me a little space. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to talk again.” Jules quickly left the table and headed to the front door. Less than ten seconds later, he was gone.
The sound of an engine roaring to life outside caused Kilo to flinch reflexively. As the car pulled away, Kilo finally sank into a chair. There was no doubt in his mind that this was likely the last time he would ever see Jules. He’d wounded the Omega too deeply and hadn’t been willing to give him any compromises. The only thing left for him to do was try to pick up the pieces of his heart and move on with his life.
Perhaps this time, he’d listen to his gut when it warned him that relationships weren’t worth the pain. It was time to swear off dating, permanently.