Krystal

 

 

 

 

Having my sister here is just amazing. I asked her to stay at the house with Evan and me but she refused. She told me that she'd be staying with her once best friend from school. I guess we all need best friend time. And Darla was Paula's very best friend growing up. Always the supportive friend, the girl who I fully believe was in love with my sister when she was my brother.

If truth be told, I think Darla is still in love with Paula. God knows how that one will go down with my sister, she loves men. And I do mean loves them.

I am enjoying my time with Paula, though. She's crazy in the most wonderful way. She makes me laugh. I haven't had much to laugh about these past few months. Then there's Casey, she seems to have forgiven me for keeping this all from her. Between her and Paula, I'm feeling much better mentally.

Paula wasn't able to come home after I lost Leo, her boss wouldn't allow her the time off. She was so upset about it, she sobbed hard when we Face-timed, and I do mean hard. She wanted to be here for me, wanted to say goodbye to her only nephew. She even told me that she'd walk out on her job and come home. But I knew she'd never find another job as good that one. So I made her stay.

It hurt her, but she agreed to stay in Germany. She sent her love and she sent a huge arrangement of flowers fit for a little boys funeral, with a note signed: You will always be in my, my beautiful nephew. Sleep well with the angels, Leo. All my love, Auntie Paula.

She may not have been here physically, but she was there for me over the phone and Facetime, whenever I needed her. Which was more than could be said about my parents. But they've never been here for me.

I don't know what's going on between Evan and his brother, but Casey is really worried. After they almost fought at the family barbecue the other day, they haven't seen each other.

If I'm honest, I'm worried really about Evan. I don't know what his problem with Ed is, but it's not healthy for him to carry this rage inside of him. I forced him to go to work today. Not only does he need time away from me, but I need time away from him. I know that sounds mean, but we can't be stuck together every second of every day.

Yes, he's been keeping up with his therapy sessions, I am so proud of him for that, but he's gone a little over an hour once a week, but it isn't enough.

Right now, I'm supposed to be getting ready to meet with my doctor so that he can check on my progress. But I can't seem to drag myself out of my bathroom. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror, but I can't stop myself.

What the hell is happening to me?

My hands are shaking over the sink, clumps of hair clutched between my fingers. I've tried to put this off for so long. I didn't want to be bald, but I've lost so much of my hair that I now look so stupid. I have patches here and there. I look like I've had my finger in a plug socket.

It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be fading away like this. I can see my collarbone sticking out of my skin. My hip bones are also sticking out. I've lost so much weight that my clothes are hanging off of me. Oliver, Evan's cousin, has promised to come by tonight and measure me so that he can custom design and make a few outfits for me. Because that's not embarrassing at all, right?

Ugh!

I can't even wear eye makeup anymore because it irritates my eyes. At least I still have some of my eyelashes. But the same can't be said for my eyebrows, which I now draw on so I don't look abnormal. The only good thing about hair loss is not having to shave my legs and armpits, that and I don't have to trim down below.

But looking at my head now, the amount of hair I have lost cannot be hidden with a kerchief any longer. Lilah keeps telling not to worry, that I look amazing. I think she's crazy. I don't feel amazing, I look ridiculous!

I feel awful about myself. I can't eat very much or very often, I sleep too much, and I feel sick all of the time.

I squeeze my eyes shut and let the tears fall. I've been holding things together since my massive meltdown back at my apartment, but I don't know how much more I'm supposed to repress.

“Krystal! Where are you?”

Crap.

I gather all the short, broken strands of fallen hair from the skin and push them into the trash can with the long strands between my fingers before splashing water on my face. I towel dry my face quickly. I need to cover my head before Evan sees me. I find it very hard these days to let him see me without clothes, without my head covered.

“Baby, where are you?” The door to the bathroom opens before I've had the chance to cover my head. “There you are...” His voice trails off when he catches a glimpse of my head. And I feel so ugly.

I grab my kerchief and cover my head quickly. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to see me.”

He takes my hand gently and I whimper. “You don't need to hide from me, baby girl. I came looking for you because I got a call from Doctor Mason's office. They said you hadn't turned up for your appointment. I was worried something had happened. I thought my mom was talking you?”

“I told her that I would call when I was ready, but I got sidetracked.” I point to the trash can. “It's all falling out, Evan,” I sob to myself. “It's all falling out!” He pulls me into his arms and holds me closely but gently. “I look like a monster.”

He takes my face in his hands and smiles. What the hell is there to smile about? “You are not a monster. You are so beautiful, Krystal. So beautiful. And you are going to beat this thing, and soon you'll be back to your old self. But maybe,” he slides the kerchief off my head, “It's time we shaved this, just to tidy it up.”

I was afraid he'd say that. But I know he's right.

I sigh deeply and nod my head. “Take a seat, baby.” I take a seat on the stool that I use to sit on when Evan would wash my hair. He slips a towel around my shoulders. “Trust me, sweetheart, you're gonna look amazing.” I laugh when he winks at me like a very overly camp gay man. God, he knows how to make me laugh when I'm down.

“Ready?” I nod, close my eyes and screech. He talks me through it with each stroke of the clippers. And it takes him next to no time – because there really wasn't much at all to shave – to tell me to open my eyes. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. Okay, I look like an alien, but it's not all that bad.

“Perfect.” He says with a kiss to my now shaven head. Well, this isn't a look I ever thought I'd be sporting. “My turn.”

“Wait, what?” I turn my head as he hands me the clippers. “Evan, I'm not shaving your head.”

“Oh yes, you are. Get up.” I get to my feet and he takes my place on the stool while wrapping the towel that was just around my shoulders around his own. “Now, get to it woman.”

“Evan, I can't. Your hair is so beautiful.” And it is, it's so thick and silky and I love running my fingers through it. I do it right now, slide my fingers through it, savoring the feeling.

He takes the clippers from my hand, and before I have the chance to stop him, he shaves a line right down the middle of his head. I stand there with my hands over my mouth in shock, but I'm finding it hard not to laugh. “Now you have no choice.” He winks at me through the mirror and I can't help but laugh out loud. Oh my god, he's amazing!

Ten minutes later, and he's wiping the hair from his body. I much prefer him with hair, but I'd be a liar if I said he didn't look as sexy as hell. That scruff of his is such a turn on. Pity I have no sex drive.

I feel sorry for him, surely he needs sex by now? He went three months having sex every day, and now he's with me, he's practically a monk.

“You look so good like this.” I try to smile, but I'm feeling so guilty.

“What's wrong, sweetheart?”

Not only have I just shaved your beautiful head, you've just taken your top off, showing that incredible body of yours, and now I feel even guiltier that I can't take care of your needs.

“I was just thinking, maybe you should go out tonight with your friends.” He narrows his eyes a little. “I mean, I'm sure there's a nice girl out there that...”

He presses his finger against my lips. “I know what you're doing, Krys. And I want you to stop. I don't need to go out and sleep with another woman. All I want it you.”

“But I can't give you what you need. I don't want to be the reason you have to change.”

“I love you, Miss Bell,” I laugh as he takes my face in his hands. “I love you and only you. I need no one but you. I mean, come on, I just shaved my gorgeous head for you.” I laugh loudly. Louder than I have in weeks.

I wrap my arms around his waist. “I love you so much, Evan Harrington. Don't you ever change because you are perfect to me.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

According to my doctor, I'm doing very well with my treatment. I'm also feeling much more optimistic about things. The doctor really helped me see that being positive is what will get me through this. If I'm negative all the time that's when I'm losing hope. I cannot lose hope. I will fight this.

The reactions to Evan's haircut were amusing, to say the least. His father looked at him like he'd gone crazy, his mother yelped in shock, and his grandmother, his father's mother, cried. Which made me feel just awful.

Evan held me close to him while he explained to them why he did it, and his grandfather told him how very proud of him he was. Of course, no one has seen me without my headscarf. I couldn't bear it. I don't want them to see how different I look, even if it is obvious I no longer have hair.

“You know what you could do, sis?” My beautiful baby sister had brought me out to lunch with Casey and Darla. Friend time is just what I needed. “Get one of those real hair wigs.” I was offered them at the hospital. A woman who specialized in that stuff came to speak to me, I turned it down at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have.

“Oh, you totally should!” Darla seems happy, excited even to be here with us. I haven't seen her since she was eighteen, since the day Paula left for Germany. She hasn't changed much, aged a little, maybe. But she's still the classy girl she always was. And she's still as obsessed with my sister as she ever was. I wonder if Paula has noticed yet.

“I could totally see you as a blonde.”

“Case, I think I'll leave the blonde to Paula.”

“A brunette. God, Evan would die if he saw you as a brunette.”

“I think I'd much rather finish treatment and gain a little weight back before I even think about anything else.” I take a small bite of the turkey sandwich I ordered. My appetite is slowly coming back. And at least I'm not vomiting any longer. Which means I can keep the food I eat down, and hopefully, I'll put a little weight on soon. Well, if I can manage to eat more than I have been. Not vomiting means nothing if I can't force myself to eat more.

I can dream, right?

I know this won't end until treatment does. I have my good days and my bad days. I just pray the worst of it is over, even though I know it isn't.

“How much longer is this treatment going to last?”

“Well,” I smile at my sister. She's decided to stay for a few months, she's been helping Ollie Macklin design clothes for me. He believes she has a real talent for fashion and wants her to help with an up and coming fashion show here in Manhattan. She's super excited and I am so proud of her. And I'm very grateful to Oliver because it means I get to have my sister here with me for a while longer.

I had worried about her job back in Germany, but she told me that her boss could fire her for all she cares, because this time, she's not leaving until she knows I'm all clear. She'll find another job. I love her so much.

“My doctor is really pleased with my progress. I have another eight weeks of treatment, and then I'll know if it's worked and when I'll be able to have the reconstructive surgery.”

“Double D's?” I laugh at the toothy smile on Casey's face.

“C-cup. I don't need anything bigger. Oh, hold on, guys.” I say while grabbing my ringing cell phone. “Hello?”

“Krystal, it's Mom!”

“Hi, Mom.” My sister rolls eyes. She and my mother haven't really spoken in six years. If I'm honest, my mother hasn't called me in months. The last time she called was just after I lost Leo and Evan. I asked her to come home, I needed her. Her response? “Honey, I'm taking care of my friend right now. You lost a baby, you didn't lose your life.”

Nice, right?

Some mother.

“How are things?”

“Things are fine. Dad and I are in town for a few days. Just wanted to see you while I'm here.” Oh, crap! I swallow hard. What the hell am I going to say to her? And why the hell does she want to see me now? She couldn't be bothered when Leo died. “Can we come by tonight?”

I want to say no, but I can't, she's my mother.

“Erm, sure. I'm staying with Evan at his parent's house. I'll text you the address.”

“Great! See you this evening, sweetheart.”

“See you, Mom.” I end the call and take a large drink of ice water. “She wants to see me tonight,” I say before anyone can ask because I knew they were dying to.

“Just make sure you don't tell her I'm in town. I'm dead to her, remember?”

“Paula, please don't say things like that.”

“Just don't tell her.”

“I won't.”