Evan

 

 

 

 

There's a lot to be said about a woman and the strength she possesses. I've been surrounded by strong women my whole life. My mother is the strongest woman I know. Or I thought she was until I met Krystal.

The past three days, she's been so strong, you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with her. Well, throughout the day at least. I don't see her at night because she doesn't want me to stay with her. Of course, I told her that I would, that I didn't mind, that I'd even sleep on the couch. She told me it wouldn't be a good idea.

She's probably right.

I wouldn't be able to stop myself from climbing into bed with her and holding her close to me. But that's not what she wants from me. And why would she when I've been with so many women over the past three months, when I should have been with her, sharing in her grief for our lost baby?

God, how am I ever going to make it up to her?

I know she doesn't trust me and she has every right not to, but I love her and that's the truth. God, do I love her. There has to be something I can do, some way for me to make her see how sorry I am.

There have been no other women since the day I bumped into her. I meant when I said to her, she's the only one for me.

Right now I'm picking up dinner. She doesn't know about it. I dropped her home a couple hours ago after her hospital appointment. She's booked in for Friday. That's when she'll be having the surgery to remove her breasts.

I sat and listened to everything the doctor said. Or at least, I tried to let it all sink in. Krystal is going to need a lot of help over the next few months. As soon as the chemo kicks in she's going to be incredibly weak for a while. She's going to have a few ups and downs and she's going to need her friends and family.

Of course, she won't let me tell anyone what's going on. She's okay with my parents knowing as long as they don't tell anyone else. I don't agree with keeping this between us, she needs people around her. No one is going to pity her. Yes, people will be sad that she's going through this, but she told me if I told one person then there would be no hope for us fixing our friendship, she'd know she could never trust me or believe another word that comes out of my mouth.

I promised her on our son's soul that I'll tell no one. I won't go behind her back with this no matter how badly I believe she needs her friends and family around her. This is her choice, not mine.

In the past, I would have spoken to my brother about anything and everything that was bothering me. He'd keep my secrets to himself, even this, even if he wouldn't agree with it. But I haven't been able to speak to him about anything for months.

I'm well aware that I'm jealous of him and the life he has. My therapist was right about that. I'm not smart like him. I am in no way stupid, I'm smart in my own right, but not like Ed. He has his own business, a huge house, beautiful wife, beautiful little girl. God, I don't think there's a person alive who doesn't love him.

Bastard!

I could have had all of that. Everything he has. The business, the house, the wife, the child. I chose to work for my mother when I could have worked for my father. Better still, I could have built up my own business but I didn't. The house is a simple thing, anyone can buy a house.

Then there's the wife thing. Krystal should have been my wife by now. I had planned to propose to her. I had a huge party planned, the ring in my pocket, all of our family invited to join us. Then three days before the party... Three days before, Krystal fell down the stairs at her friend's house. She said she was fine. I thought she was fine.

We were in bed, laughing at some comedy program on TV when she suddenly got a sharp pain in her lower stomach. She laughed it off until she got another one. She pushed the blanket back and screamed. There was so much blood.

All I remember is pulling on a t-shirt, sweatpants, my sneakers, and then grabbing her, lifting her into my arms and rushing her to the hospital

I was too late, the baby was gone.

It crushed me, it crushed Krystal. She was forced to give birth to our child because of how far along she was, and I held her hand the whole time. Doctors had told us just days before that the baby was a boy. We named him Leo. And we were so excited to meet him.

But we never got to hold him, to even look at him for more than a few moments, because he was too bruised and fragile. I held Krystal close to me for an hour while she sobbed uncontrollably. It killed me to see her like that, and she clung to me so tightly.

In the end, the doctor sedated Krystal because she was hysterical. That was the last time she saw me before I walked away from her. I couldn't cope, I think I spaced out because one minute I was holding her hand, the next I was in a bar drinking scotch and sucking face with some blonde.

Disgusting, right?

There's no excuse or explanation I can give as to why I did that, there's none for why I carried on acting that way for the three months that followed. All I can say is that I lost my mind to grief.

Anyway, back to dinner.

I haven't seen Krystal eat anything these past few days. I've tried, of course, to get her to eat something, but I think the fear of what's about to happen is causing the loss of appetite.

I pick up a simple chicken salad from JC's, her favorite restaurant, and head over there. I think she could do with someone to talk to right now. Yes, we talk, but it's only about her surgery and what happens after.

But then, she's never really shown any emotion other than understanding when a doctor speaks to her. I've tried to get her to let it out, to talk to me about how she's really feeling, but she won't. Surely it's not healthy to bottle up her feelings like this?

Takeaway cartons in my hand, I tip my head at the doorman in front of Krystal's apartment... Our apartment once upon a time. It's sad to think we only lived together for a couple months before I left.

I know Leo's nursery is still the same as it was the day I finished decorating it. We didn't know he was a boy at the time so the colors were neutral. But as soon as we found out he was a boy, everything else in the room was a light blue color. Blankets, curtains, furniture, etc.

Casey told me that Krystal couldn't bear to even open the nursery door, still hasn't. Hell, if she hasn't destroyed everything I left here, then I can stay with her tonight, maybe get her to open up a little about our little boy. I think it would do us both good to talk about him. Maybe we could let go a little of the guilt and pain we both feel.

See, therapy does work.

I get off the elevator feeling a little better about things. Maybe because I feel a little stronger than I have in a long time. Maybe because I know how badly Krystal needs me right now. Something I never thought would happen again. Maybe because the therapy sessions are actually helping me.

My steps falter when I hear screaming, loud, powerful, painful screams, crashing, smashing noises.

What in the world?

Krystal.

I throw the cartons of food to the floor and race to her door, my fist pounding down on it. “Krystal! Krystal, open the door!” I press my ear against it, listening for more than one voice. All I hear is Krystal screaming her head off.

Fuck this, if she won't open up I'll smash the damn door down. I try the handle first. To my surprise, the door isn't locked.

I can't believe what I'm seeing, the whole place is trashed. The pictures that used to hang from the walls are all smashed and scattered across the floor. The glass from the frames crunch beneath my feet. I turn to the right and into the open plan kitchen and living room. Plates and glasses are smashed in the kitchen, the table overturned, chairs smashed. There's even food from the fridge thrown everywhere, on the floor, up the walls.

I turn my head, and the living room is ten times worse. The sofa cushions have been torn apart, the duck feathers from within are still floating through the air. Every picture, every ornament, every lamp, every small side table, all smashed to pieces.

What the hell?

I hear more smashing and I just know Krystal has finally snapped. Well, of course, she has, all of what's happened and is happening has finally caught up with her. I'm only surprised she didn't crack sooner.

I run to the bedroom we used to share just in time to see her swipe her hands over the dresser, knocking all of her perfumes to the floor with a smash.

I grab her from behind, pulling her back against me. She screams, of course, but I just hold her around her waist. “It's okay, baby girl. It's okay,”

“Why!?” She yells. “Why me? Why does God hate me so much?!”

“Shh. God doesn't hate you, sweetheart.”

She pulls against me. Her cries tear at me, they literally tear my insides apart. So much despair. “Well, I hate him!” She screams so loudly it's deafening. “I hate him! I hate him.” She sobs as her head falls back against my shoulder. The fight is leaving her body, she calming, physically at least. “Wasn't taking my baby boy from me enough, now he has to punish me like this?”

“Shh...” She slides down my body but there's no way I'm letting go. I sink to the floor with her, my legs either side of her body as I hold her against me. “It's okay, baby girl, I'm here. I'm here.” She shakes her head erratically. “Yes, baby. I'm not going anywhere. I swear to God, I'm not going anywhere.”

“Yes, you will. As soon as I have the surgery you'll leave me again!”

I close my eyes to push back my emotions. Jesus Christ, what have I done to her?

You've destroyed her faith in people, her faith in you, Evan. You've got a long way to go before she'll ever trust you again, if at all.

“I don't know what I have to do yet to prove it, but I will not let you down again, Krystal. I swear.” I rock her gently and kiss her head. “I swear, baby.”

“I don't want to die, Evan.” She sobs harder.

“It's gonna be all right.”

“I don't want to die.” She repeats.

“You're not going to die. I won't let you.” I grit my teeth and hold her tighter against me. “Nothing's gonna happen to you. I promise.”

“Don't make promises you know damn well you can't keep.” She pulls away from me and gets to her feet.

“Jesus, I'm trying here, Krys.” I follow her and get to my feet, brushing down my jeans at the same time.

“Why, though, Evan?” She asks as she folds her arms around her body. Her eyes are so swollen from crying I'm surprised she can even see. “Why now? Because you feel guilty about leaving me three months ago when I needed you? Or because you want to be a hero?”

“Because I love you!” I rake my hands through my hair. I should have just told her the truth. I feel guilty, but that's not why I want to support her through this. I want to support her because I love her and I can't fucking lose her.

This is so fucking hard for me. The only woman I have ever loved could die and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. All I can do is be here for her, show her that I mean what I say, that I love her and I'm so sorry for everything I did to her.

I didn't handle Leo's death well at all. I let Krystal down so badly, but I won't let her down again. I will not let her go through this alone. Not a chance in hell. I'm stronger now, I can handle this. I can, for her.

I sink down on the edge of her bed. “I love you, Krystal. You will never know how much, how truthfully I love you. Yes, I feel guilty about walking away from you almost four months ago. And you will never know how sorry I am for that. I don't even know what happened.” I scrub my hands over my face.

“I never intended to leave you, Krys.” I don't look at her, but I feel the bed dip as she takes a seat beside me. “One minute you were sleeping in my arms, the next I was in some bar. My whole brain was mashed with what happened. I just wanted to block out what happened to Leo. It hurt so much, everything, everywhere. He was everything, and he was gone just like that.”

Krystal lost our baby and it was such a devastating loss, so traumatic that it killed us both. She may have given birth to him, but like I said, the baby was so bruised we didn't even get to hold him... I was so fucked up I didn't even comfort her through Leo's funeral. Hell, I didn't even make my presence known. I stood at the back of the church and wallowed in my own grief when I should've been with Krystal, comforting her through it all. But... I can't, I just can't even think about what happened, it's too hard for me yet.

“I never meant to sleep with those women.”

“Don't, Evan...”

“I need to tell you what happened. I need for you to try and understand why I did this, Krys.” She nods, even though I can tell she doesn't want to. “I just went day to day in a haze. All those women, they were just a distraction from the pain inside of me.”

“What about the pain inside of me, Evan? Did you not think about how I was feeling, what was going through my head?”

No, I didn't think about anything but what was going on inside of me.

“My baby boy died inside of me, Evan. I had to give birth to him and I couldn't even hold him, tell him that I loved him because he wasn't even a baby by the time he came out.”

I close my eyes. I can't bear to think about it. That poor little boy so battered from the trauma inside his mother. All those bruises. I shake it away.

“I was selfish, Krys. But I need you to understand that it wasn't your fault.” Her eyes scan mine as I turn to look at her. “What happened to Leo,” She shifts uncomfortably. But she needs to hear this. She needs to know that she's not to blame for what happened to our baby, it was a tragic accident. “It was not your fault.”

“It wasn't yours either.” She throws back.

I take her hands in mine and bring them to my mouth and kiss them hard.

She pulls one hand free and cups my face.

I close my eyes to her touch.

“Don't cry.” She whispers. I didn't even realize I had tears falling. She wipes them away gently, still holding my hand with her other. “I know how much what happened hurt you, Evan, but it killed me. Deep in here.” She points to her heart.

Yes, baby girl, I know just how you feel.

“I understand that you were hurting, and if I'm honest, I think maybe you had some kind of breakdown.” Okay, now that's just going too far! “Don't be angry, Evan. But I think you need to speak to a professional.”