Krystal

 

 

 

 

My sister has been sitting on my bed looking glum from the past ten minutes. I haven't had any energy today and Evan wouldn't let me get out of bed. The chemo is really taking it out of me. Since my mom and dad left – were forced to leave by Blair because of the vile things my mother was saying to me, about both Paula and me – I have slowly been getting weaker.

I don't know, I guess I feel so badly for not telling them I was ill and even worse that my mother told Evan to call her if I died and she'd send flowers. I knew then she meant I was as dead to her as Paula is.

It has hurt me so badly that I can't cope. My own parents? How could they treat my sister and me like this? Why on this earth did they even have kids when it's so very fucking obvious they never should have?

Evan keeps telling me to forget it, to concentrate on getting through treatment and getting better, but it's so hard. Each time I have a bad day, I think, “Is this the last day?” and I cry so hard. I am in constant pain, I'm tired all of the time, more so after chemo, obviously, but I can't do anything for myself these days. It fucking sucks.

Of course, there are the days where I have bursts of energy and I can't get enough of walking, talking, being with my friends. I just need to tell myself daily that I can beat this. I will be able to do all the things I once could, I just have to keep the faith.

“What's wrong, La-La?” My nickname for my sister. Has been since she was a baby.

“I've done something terrible, Krys.” She isn't looking at me, she's pulling at an imaginary piece of cotton on her white jeans. I can't even believe how beautiful my baby sister is. She reminds me of a young Charlize Theron. Yes, she's that classically beautiful.

“Why, what have you done?” She finally looks me in the eye. Tears are welling in hers. Paula does not cry, so I know something is wrong. “Paula?”

“I didn't mean for it to happen, Krys. I tried to fight it, I swear, I did.”

“Paula, you're talking in riddles...” Then it hits me. “Darla. Are you and her...?”

“Fuck no!” She yells with the most disgusted look on her face. “Sorry.” Her shoulders sag. “Darla's great and all, but she's my friend, nothing more. I'm not a lesbian. It's Oliver.”

“Macklin?”

She nods her head. “He kissed me and I didn't exactly push him away.”

I look at her confused for a moment. Did she just tell me that she kissed Ollie Macklin?

“You kissed?” She nods slightly, looking confused and ashamed of herself. “Oh my god, Paula, he has a girlfriend!” I never had my sister down as a cheat. Nor Oliver if I'm honest.

“No,” She shakes her head while taking my hand in hers. “He finished with her last week.” What the hell? I haven't heard anything about them finishing. “Do you remember when we were teenagers and Freddy introduced us to his twin cousins?” I nod. I do remember that now she mentions it, Oliver and Paula got on like a house on fire.

“Oliver and I, we talked a lot that day. He listened to me. Really listened to me about everything I was afraid of. He told me then that I was never male, that I was a female in every way, and that I'd simply been born with a piece of skin between my legs that I didn't need. He told me that all people had was words, and yes, sometimes those words can hurt, but they didn't know the truth. Only I knew that.

“He understood me like no one but you did. We had a connection back then.” She sighs and hangs her head. Just how long has she liked him? “We stayed friends. Even after I left for Germany.”

“You did?” I did not know that!

She nods her head in response. “We video chatted a lot. Spoke on the phone every week. Even when he was really busy with his designs.” Her eyes cloud over as if she's remembering something amazing. And I have a feeling my little sister fell for Oliver Macklin a very long time ago.

“Paula?” I tug on her hand. She blinks once, smiles, and turns to look at me. “Just how long have you been in love with him?” She doesn't answer me, she just pulls her legs up on the bed, curling herself into a ball, and lays her head in my lap. I stroke her long hair gently as she lays there in silence. “Tell me what's wrong, La-La,” I say, gently coaxing her to tell me how she's feeling.

“A long time.” She whispers. “I've loved him for a long time. I knew coming here would be hard. Hard because you're so sick,” That makes me feel so bad. “But I want to be here for you. Don't ever think that I don't. You're my best friend and I will do anything to have you better because if I lose you, I will die.” She kisses my knuckles softly, and my nose is burning with emotion, my eyes stinging with tears.

“I didn't expect to see him at the Harrington's the day I arrived. As soon as I saw him, everywhere ached, Krys. Everywhere. Then as soon as we were all dancing, he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the kitchen.”

I remember her sneaking off for around half an hour. She told me she just needed to take her hormones. I thought nothing else of it because I was having a conversation with Casey. How could I have been so selfish not to have noticed she was in turmoil over this?

“What happened?” I shouldn't've asked, but it will bug the shit outta me if I don't. I'm nosey like that.

“He dragged me into an empty room and locked the door behind him. Told me he couldn't believe I was standing in front of him. We laughed about things, then he touched my face. I couldn't breathe, Krys. He had one hand on my face and the other on my waist. And for a moment, I let myself imagine I was his girl.”

“Did something happen between you that day?”

“No,” She shakes her head against my leg, which is aching like crazy. But I won't say anything, she needs me right now, and I am determined to be here for her no matter how hard it is for me to keep my damn eyes open right now.

“He leaned into me and kissed my cheek. And I knew he was about to kiss me, but I pushed him away. I told him nothing could happen because he was with someone. That and I guess I didn't really believe he wanted me.

“When I told him I'd be staying here until you got the all clear, he offered me a job. I took it because it's my dream to work in fashion. That's why I left for Germany in the first place.

“It's been great these past couple weeks working for him. Then yesterday, he called me into his office.” She's silent for a moment and I'm not sure she hasn't fallen asleep. She coughs slightly before carrying on. “He told me that he'd broken up with Danica. That he couldn't be with her when all he could think about was me.”

My eyes close on me for a second. I can't have Oliver playing with Paula's heart, it's fragile enough as it is.

“I told him that this isn't a game, this is my life. I'm never going to be like other women, no matter how much I may want to be. I will always be on medication for the rest of my life. I will never be able to bear children. With me, he will be ridiculed for his choices...”

“Is that what you really think?” I nudge her with my thigh and she pulls herself up to face me. God, her beautiful face is so full of tears and sadness. It's strange, but I hardly ever think of Paula as the kind of woman who would cry. She's too beautiful to cry. “You think he shouldn't be with you because of what some might think? La-La, you can't think like that. You can't let what one or two might think stop you from being happy.”

“I don't care about other people, Krys, no one but a select few know who I used to be. I never have to tell anyone I don't want to tell. But his parents?”

“Are you for real?” I can't help but smile at her. “La-La, Oliver's father is bisexual. Yeah, he married a woman, but before her, he was with a man.” Not like it's a secret that Bradford Macklin was bisexual before marrying the love of his life, Gabriella. Anyone can read about it if they wanted.

Of all the people to understand it would be Oliver's parents.

“He would never be anything but supportive of the two of you.”

“I'm just really confused right now, Krys. I don't want to feel like this, but I love him. I love him and it hurts so much.”

“Don't cry, La-La. Come lay with me.” She kicks off her shoes, shrugs off her jacket, and then climbs into my bed and lies down next to me. She lays her head on my shoulder and takes my hand in hers. I wish I could keep on talking, but I'm just so damn tired right now. But I have to force myself to finish. “Don't let go of love if it's real,” I tell her. “Especially if it's real, La-La. Is it real?”

“Yes,” She whispers, and I smile. “It's real, Krys. So real that I can't bear thinking about leaving him once you're well again.”

“Then don't,” I whisper, my voice fading due to sleep taking me. I hear her mumble an I love you before everything is silent.