Krystal

 

 

 

 

He looks at me, eyes wide and full of unshed tears. I hate that he's upset like this, but he needs to hear me. I know people will tell me that I'm stupid for even wanting to give him the time of day after the way he left me and the things he did afterward. But I believe something happened to Evan the day we lost our baby. Something that affected him in ways most wouldn't understand.

We were so happy that evening, the evening it happened. I'd slipped and fallen down my friend's stairs, but it wasn't a bad fall. It was nothing more than my foot coming from under me and me sliding on my butt.

But, of course, it was something.

I remember Evan carrying me as I cried and begged God to save our baby. He didn't and I lost the baby before I even reached the hospital in the most devastating way. I almost bled to death. There was a point there where I honestly thought I wouldn't live to see tomorrow.

I think what hurt me, even more, was the fact Evan was there for me, holding me, telling me how much he loved me, that he would never leave me. Then I was sedated because I was hysterical.

What mother wouldn't be after losing their baby the way I did?

Not only that but I had to be taken to theater for a small procedure to help stop the bleeding and make sure nothing was left behind. I slept for hours after being sedated and when I woke, Evan was gone. I was all alone and frightened wondering when he would be back for me. After day two, I realized he was never coming back.

I don't believe Evan left me just to be a bastard, I fully believe he had some kind of breakdown. I believe it drove him to seek comfort in other women. A way to punish himself for what he believed was all his fault.

And I know that I shouldn't make excuses for him, and in my heart, that's not what I'm doing. But our baby meant everything to him. I had never known a man who wanted his child more than Evan did.

Yes, Ed was beyond excited about him and Casey becoming parents. But with Evan, it was literally like he was lost to ours. He slept every night with his arm around me and his hand on my stomach, even more so as my belly began to grow. He would tell me before we fell asleep how much he loved me and then tell our baby the same thing. He woke every morning and kissed me and then my stomach as if he was kissing our baby.

There was never a doubt in my mind that my baby would be loved, my baby had the best father in the world and everyone was so proud of Evan.

God, the pride in his eyes whenever he spoke about Leo – which was all the time – shone so brightly. He was a better man, a happier man, and I understand now. The man I love had his heart broken in a way I can never hope to mend. That kind of loss is bound to affect the mind in ways that take years to heal.

Yes, it affected me badly, it hurt more than anything ever could or will again. That baby boy was my world. I was so looking forward to meeting him. And it has taken me until now to realize that I wasn't the only one who died inside that day. Evan did too. He died inside and couldn't cope. That's what led him to leave me, that's what led him to other women. He was broken and I'm not sure he can be fixed.

His thumb strokes over the skin on the back of my hand tenderly. “I've been seeing a therapist for the past few weeks.”

“You have?”

“I have. I told you, remember?” I shake my head in confusion. Did he tell me already? “Well, I couldn't go on the way I was. I didn't want...”

“To what?” I ask after a moments pause and a touch of my hand against his cheek.

Is it wrong to still love him?

Is it wrong to want to help him as much as he wants to help me?

How do I even know if I'm going to make it through this?

Would it be fair of me to let Evan support me through this whole process when it's so very obvious he's not strong enough?

I would hate to cause him a setback of any kind. And to let him get attached all over again when I could die... I'm not sure it wouldn't destroy him completely.

He holds my hand against his cheek. “To lose you forever.”

“Evan, this whole thing. Me and this cancer, it's going to be too much for you...”

“No,” He cuts me off. “Nothing, where you're concerned, is too much for me. We lost our baby and I walked away, and I think maybe you're right, I had some kind of breakdown. But I'm working through all of that. I'm getting stronger every day. And I know that it's hard for you to trust me, but I swear on everything I hold dear that I will not abandon you again. I know I don't deserve another chance, but I will do anything it takes to prove to you that I love you, Krystal.”

His words are so heartfelt, so honest. And when I look in his eyes, that's all I see, honesty. I know that he loves me, I know that deep in my heart. Because Evan and I had the kind of love most people only dream about. Our love was so strong, so pure. I want that back. I want to let go of what he did and move forward.

It was easy to hate him when I thought he'd left me for no good reason. But now I know that he was ill, he didn't leave me just for the sake of it, he left because his mind snapped. My poor, beautiful, broken man.

“Promise me that if you start to feel stressed out, or that you feel that helping me is too much for you, that you will talk to me. Promise me that you won't just walk away. Because, Evan, I can deal with anything as long as you talk to me. I won't think badly of you if this becomes too much.”

He cups my face and I automatically close my eyes. I always did that when he touched my face. Something inside always felt right when he touched me. Just like it does right now. “I promise, baby.” I breathe deeply through my nose. “I'm also going to keep seeing my therapist for a while. She's helping me work through some things.”

“I am so proud of you, Evan.” I gasp in surprise when he leans in and kisses me softly.

I should pull away from him.

I don't.

Never again will I be able to feel like a whole woman. Not the way I do right now. Yes, I'll be able to have my breasts reconstructed, but they won't be these breasts, the breast his hand is now stroking gently while his other hand holds the back of my head.

My head is all over the place right now, but I know that I want this, I want him. I shouldn't when he's been sleeping with half the country, but I know a million percent he used protection with each of those women, because he's very careful with his health, even if his mind was messed up, I don't believe he would recklessly sleep with women without using condoms.

The only reason I got pregnant was because we planned to have a baby. Our baby wasn't an accident of any kind. That's how committed we were to each other from the get-go. I knew I would one day be his wife and him, my husband. I knew we'd always be together, forever.

Or so I thought.

I gasp and turn my head to the side. He kisses my neck while pulling me against his hard body. “Evan,” I groan. “Please don't tease me.”

“I don't want to tease you, I want to love you.”

I grab his face in my hands, my eyes scanning his. I want to look deep enough to see any doubt in his eyes. I don't see any and it makes me smile. I don't know much, but I do know that I may not live through this, or, of course, I might.

Either way, I forgive him. I forgive him because I know he was suffering just as much as I was.

“Love me.” I press my lips against his, my tongue entwining with his, and it's so erotic I can feel the dampness in my panties already.

He pulls away from me but only to lift my top over my head. I'm not wearing a bra and I'm a little scared of him seeing the scar on my left breast where they took the biopsy. I close my eyes, I can't watch him looking at me. A tear falls from my eye when he kisses that stupid scar on my breast.

“No matter what,” he whispers in my ear, “you will always, and I mean always, be the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.”

Some people say a man will tell you anything to get you into bed. Evan has never said anything to me that he doesn't mean. That's why I believe he really means what he's just said.

He lays me down on the bed after removing my pants and panties. And I watch him remove his clothes. God, he's always been the most beautiful man I have ever seen. I slide my hands over the bulging muscles on his chest, his broad shoulders, and down his back. His cock is so hard against my soaked pussy, and I'd do anything right now if he'd just slip inside of me.

It feels so right having him on top of me, looking down at me as we hold each other. “Are you sure about this?” I nod my head with a smile on my face. “Even after all those...” I press my finger against his mouth. I don't want him to bring up those women ever again.

“Don't think about the past few months right now. I just want us to love each other, Evan. Please, just love me.” And there it is, that most erotic of feelings whenever he's inside of me. Evan is no small man in any aspect, but his cock is really thick and long, and boy, does he know how to use it. “Evan, oh god,”

“That's right, baby girl.” I arch my back as he sucks my nipple into his mouth, his hot, warm, wet mouth.

God, that's it, make the feeling last.

I need to imprint this feeling into my mind for all eternity. With the breast surgery, I'll have to reconstruct them, I won't have any feeling in them, which sucks all ass, but right now, right now, he's giving me just what I need.

Evan and I have always been crazy in the bedroom, there was nothing I wouldn't let him do. Literally. He would fuck me so hard sometimes I didn't know which way was up. But he always knew when to make love to me, and right now, he's making such perfect love to me.

“Evan, I can't... I just... oh god,”

“Come.” He thrusts a little harder, I lift my legs higher, letting him thrust deeper. And I come so hard I have to bite his shoulder to stop myself from screaming. “Shit, Krys!” He grabs my ass in his right hand and pushes himself as deep as he can go, coming deep inside of me, and I can feel his seed rushing against my womb. The last time I felt that I found out I was pregnant three weeks later.

He pulls out of me gently and lays beside me. “Are you okay?” He asks while stroking the hair back from my forehead.

“Yes. Thank you... For you know?”

“Don't thank me for making love to you.”

“It just meant a lot to me. I'm never going to feel anything in these,” I point to my breasts, “when they're fake” I shrug. “Ev?”

“Yeah?”

“I'm sorry you had to walk in on me having a meltdown.”

“I think you're entitled to a meltdown, baby. Think I need to call someone to help with the cleanup, though.”

I smile at him. I can clean the place up myself. Not that I've got much furniture left after my rampage. I didn't touch the baby's room, though, thank god.

“Ev?”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Will you hold me? Please?”

“For as long as you want me to.”

Always, that's how long I want you to hold me.

I pull myself into his arms and allow him to hold me close to him, and it takes me seconds to fall asleep. Because in his arms is where I feel at home.

 

 

* * *

 

 

I didn't think I could do this, come into Leo's room. Evan and I had made it so special for him. His beautiful crib still stands against the back wall, covered in blue blankets, and a sweet little Winnie the Pooh mobile above.

I used to imagine watching him falling asleep while those miniature figures went round and round as the sweet lullaby played. I also imagined watching Evan rocking Leo to sleep on the rocking chair of white beneath the window. Listening to him telling our boy all the things he would teach him in the years to come.

I fight back the tears while lifting the little onesie Evan bought him with Daddy's Boy written on the front. I bring it to my nose. I can't smell my son on it because he never wore it. But I can see him in my mind wearing this, chuckling as I tickle his little tummy, daddy watching us with a smile on his face.

Evan clasps my shoulder gently. I take his hand in mine and kiss it softly. It took a lot for me to agree to this, coming in here and packing away the baby's things. Evan was right, it's time.

“It's okay, baby,” He kisses my head.

“We'll always remember him, won't we?” I don't ever want to forget my son. I know that I never will, and I know that I'll move on one day, things will get better. But there's a strange fear inside of me right now.

“Never. Leo will always be in our hearts and minds. There is nothing that could make us forget how much we loved him, Krys.” I nod and turn in his arms so he can hold me.

I don't think anyone is ever really ready to say goodbye to their child, but there comes a day when you realize you just can't cry anymore. Leo would've been my world. I would've loved him so well. And I hope he's up there somewhere with a heart full of love and the knowledge his mother and father loved him more than the whole world, even more than each other.