Krystal

 

 

 

 

He holds me close to him, his strong arms encasing me in that protective way he used to hold me, my face against his bare chest. I shouldn't want him to hold me, I should push him away, but I can't.

I don't know what came over me when I saw him in the street. I think I lost my mind for a moment. But after my appointment with Dr. Mason, I just needed to feel like a woman, like somebody wanted me, to touch me. I wanted to be fucked while I'm still a whole woman.

The fact is, he could have been anyone and I wouldn't have cared, but he wasn't just anyone, he's Evan, my Evan. I love him still, even after everything he's done to me.

But I can't trust him. If I told him about my cancer he'd walk away from me. He'd walk away because he wouldn't be able to cope with it, just as he couldn't cope with the loss of our baby.

I need to get out of here. I can't fall into bed with him, he's slept with so many women over the past three months that he'd put a prostitute in the profession twenty years to shame.

I pull on my clothes as quickly as I can. “I have to go.” I pull away from him, but he grabs my hand.

“Stay. You're upset. We can just talk.”

“There's nothing to talk about, Evan. And I'm sure you'll be just fine when I walk out that door. You'll follow me out and take the first willing slut you find to bed and fuck her into next week.”

He looks at me slack-jawed, and there's hurt in his eyes.

Who gave him the right to be hurt by my words?

Who gave him the right to look at me like that?

He's the one who did this to us.

He caused all the hurt between us, and now he's looking at me like I've ripped his heart out?!

“Baby, I...”

“Don't,” I hold up my hand. I just don't want to hear it. “Please just don't, Evan.” I yank my arm from his grip and run out of there as fast as I can, hoping above all hope that he doesn't follow me.

 

 

* * *

 

 

There are some thing's in life that just can't be kept to one's self. After almost sleeping with Evan – if you can call being rebuffed that – I took a long walk. Somehow I ended up here, at Evan's parent's house. I have no idea how or why I wasn't thinking about anything at all. I just walked and walked until my feet ached.

I used to love coming here when Evan and I were together. The place is like a British mansion. It's large and regal, a lot like Casey and Ed's home. The driveway is a mile long, though, so I can imagine I walked a long way.

I don't have any family of my own here anymore and Evan's parents were so amazing to me. They treated me like one of the family, and I truly felt like I belonged with them. I was so close to his mother that we were like best friends. And she's the same way with Casey.

It was still light when I got here, but the sun is slowly setting by the time I hear Blair's – Evan's father – car wheels crunching the gravel along the driveway. His headlights illuminate the flowers that dominate the huge garden. It's pretty.

“Krystal?” His smooth British accent and husky voice have always fascinated me. God, and he looks so much like Ed, it should be criminal. If it wasn't for the different accents and the obvious age difference they could pass for twins. “Sweetheart,” He crouches down in front of me. I was so lost in a world of my own, my arms wrapped around my shins that I hadn't realized exactly how long I'd been sitting here. “Are you okay?”

“I'm sorry.” It comes out as a whisper, my mouth too dry to speak loud enough.

“How long have you been here? You're freezing.” I am?

“I walked... Evan... I need...”

“Evan? What about him? Has something happened?”

I shake my head.

I'm not making myself understood. I'm mumbling and now he thinks something is wrong with his son.

“Mr. Harrington,”

“Blair. You can call me Blair.”

I nod to acknowledge that I understand. I always used to call him by his given name when I was with Evan. But I was not sure I could call him by his given name anymore. It's hard enough remembering to call Evan's mom by hers.

“Lilah said I could talk to her. She said if I needed to...” I suck back a sob.

What am I doing here?

“Lilah will be here any moment. Come, let me take you inside and get you a blanket. I don't want you getting sick.”

How ironic does that sound?

I'd laugh if I had anything to laugh about.

He leads me into the house. It's always so warm in this house. Everything is so homely, lived in. You can tell these are people who love their children more than life itself. The living room wall is filled with pictures of Ed, Evan, and their little sister Sammie at all ages, from birth to now.

My eyes seem to be stuck on a picture of Evan and me last summer. We'd just gotten together and Lilah took the picture at the family barbecue. I knew then that I loved him. We look so happy in that picture. He has that look in his eyes, the look of true love, love for me. And I had the same look for him.

Why did it all have to go so wrong?

And why do his parents still have that picture up when we're no longer together?

Wouldn't it be right to take it down in case he meets someone else and brings her home to meet his parents?

Not likely right now, but I'm sure if he did, she'd be a little upset to see a picture of his ex on the wall.

“Here, sweetheart,” Blair wraps a cotton blanket around my shoulders and hands me a cup of hot tea. I don't normally drink tea but I need to warm my aching bones. And soon I won't be able to drink it because of treatment. So I might as well enjoy it while I can.

“Thank you.”

“Blair! I'm home, love of my life!” He chuckles and gets to his feet. He's so lucky to be loved the way he is. And Lilah does love him. But then he loves her twice as much. “I've missed you!”

I blush as she runs into his arms and plants him with one hell of a passionate kiss on the mouth. I take it she hasn't noticed me. And I think I'm intruding, she obviously had plans for him tonight.

“Baby, we have company.” He nods towards me.

“Oh my gosh, I'm sorry,” She laughs. “I get carried away sometimes. Even after all these years, he's still the hottest man I've ever known.” Blair laughs and kisses her head.

“That's okay.” I shrug my shoulders with a slight smile on my face.

“Hey, what's wrong?”

Great, here come the tears again.

Why the fuck can't I stop crying?

I'm not normally a crier. But I drop my head into my hands and cry anyway.

“Krystal, whatever is the matter?” She wraps her arm around me while taking a seat beside me, and I turn into her embrace, my head on her shoulders, and my arms around her waist. She's not my mother, but she holds me as I imagine a mother who would die for her children would. Like my mother never has. “Sweetheart, what happened?”

“I couldn't get any sense out of her. She was on the doorstep when I got home, in a world of her own. I think she walked here.”

“What?” I sense Blair shake his head as if to say, I have no idea. “Krystal,” Lilah strokes my hair. God, my hair. I'm going to lose it sooner than I think. I'm going to be bald! “Tell me what's going on.”

“You said I could talk to you... if I needed to,” I say between sobs.

“Of course, you can talk to me. Sweetheart, you can tell me anything. Is this about Evan? Are you missing him?”

“Yes, but that's not what I want to talk to you about.”

“Then what is it, honey?”

“Mom! Dad!” Oh no. Evan.

I pull away from Lilah and quickly wipe my eyes. I need to leave, this was a bad idea. “I'm sorry, I have to go.”

“No,” She's cut short when Evan barges into the room. He looks pissed off. But he looks like he's been crying, his eyes are bloodshot. “Evan, what's wrong?” Lilah asks him but he's looking at me, his chest heaving, his arms by his sides and he's clutching... Oh no, my diary!

Where the hell did he get that from?

“You left this at mine earlier.” His voice sounds different. It's deeper, rougher. I swallow hard. As he holds my diary up. I can sense his parents exchanging looks, probably wondering what I was doing at Evan's earlier.

“How did you know I would be here?”

“I didn't,” He practically grits his teeth. “I came here to ask my parents for advice.”

“About what, son?”

“About how I help her.” He points at me and my lip quivers. He fucking read my diary!

Why do I keep a diary?

My therapist told me to after I lost the baby.

Why was I carrying it with me today?

Because after my appointment, I wanted to write down what the doctor had told me. I write down everything since I lost the baby. I can't believe I hadn't realized I'd dropped it. I just picked up my bag from Evan's floor and ran.

“Help her with what? Will someone tell me what's going on?” I can't answer Lilah. I came here to talk to her, to ask her advice on what to do now, but I never thought Evan would show up like this to speak to his family about the same thing.

“Did you come here to talk to my mother about this?” I nod while wrapping my arms around my frozen body. “Why didn't you tell me earlier when I asked you what was wrong?”

“Why would I tell you, Evan?”

“Because!” He bellows.

Because, what?

“Don't yell at her, Evan. What the hell has gotten into you?”

“You gonna tell him or shall I?” I close my eyes and rub my aching forehead. I need to get out of here. This is not how I wanted people to find out about what's wrong with me. “Weeks you've known about this, Krystal, and you haven't told another living soul! Why?”

“Because I have no one to tell, Evan! My best friend just had a baby, my parents and my sister live in different countries!”

“You could have told me!”

“You?” I huff sarcastically. “Why on this earth would I confide in you? Didn't do me much good when I lost our baby did it?! You walked away from me like I was nothing and went about your life like...” I stop myself. I can't believe I'm doing this in front of his parents. “You hurt me too much, Evan. I couldn't trust you then and I can't trust you now.”

“I get it, okay? I hurt you. I was selfish. But are you really going to do this all on your own?”

“Yes.”

“You have cancer, Krystal! You cannot do this on your own.”

“You have cancer?” I nod at Lilah as she takes my shoulders in her small hands. “What kind?”

“I have breast cancer.” I swallow back my emotions.

“Oh, sweetheart.” She pulls me into her arms. I let her hold me for a moment. Right at this moment in time, I wish my own mother was here to hold me and tell me everything will be okay. Not that she would. “When do you start treatment?”

“I...erm...”

“She can't afford treatment. Isn't that right?”

Why is he being so mean?

His tone is so mean.

I can't afford it, but I'm having it. If he read my damn diary correctly he'd know that.

“What? Oh, no. I don't care what it costs, you're having the treatment. We need to speak to your doctor and...”

I take Lilah's arm gentle, stopping her from rambling. “This is why I didn't tell anyone. And it isn't why I came here to talk to you. Thank you for caring, but I won't let you pay for my treatments.” I kiss her cheek, hoping it will stop her from disagreeing. I just don't have the energy to fight anybody on anything right now.

“Mom, Dad, can you give us a moment?”

I watch Blair nod at Evan. Lilah's eyes are on me, she's a second away from crying, I see the tears in her eyes. We've been really close since Evan and I started dating. She's a wonderful friend. I know not many people can say that they're friends with their boyfriend's mother let alone their exes mother.

Both Lilah and Blair kiss my cheek before telling Evan they'll be in the kitchen should we need them. I feel really uncomfortable being here with Evan, especially now that he knows about the cancer.

“Do you know what it did to me reading this?”

“You had no right to read that, it's private.”

“It killed me, Krys.”

I hang my head.

It killed him?

I've been dead for three months. Pity our child dying didn't kill him along with me.

Funny isn't it how desperately I want to live now that I know I have a killer disease?

“Look at me, baby,” He's right in front of me, his hand under my chin, lifting my head for my eyes to meet his.

Why does he have to show everything he's feeling through his beautiful blue eyes? Everything he feels I have always seen right there.

“I know why you didn't tell me. And if I were you, I wouldn't trust me either. But I swear to you that I am not going to leave you alone through this. I am going to be with you every step of the way.”

“Why, Evan? Why would you want to...”

“Because,” he takes my face in his hands, “I love you. I never stopped loving you.”

A tear falls from my eye. I want to believe him but I don't know that I can trust him. How can I truth he's telling the truth?

“When I left you, it was the worst mistake of my life. But I was messed up, baby. So very messed up. I've been in therapy these past few weeks. I needed to make sense of the mess inside my head. I'm not all the way there yet, not by a long shot. But I know that I need you just as much as you need me.”

“You can't expect me to trust you, Evan? How do I know you're not just saying all of this because you feel sorry for me? Because you feel guilty?” He shakes his head, but I'm not done. “I am never going to be the same after this. They're going to take my breasts, Evan. I'm going to lose all of my hair, I'm going...”

“To survive, Krystal. You are going to survive. Yes, you are going to lose your breasts and your hair. But your hair will grow back, and you can have breast reconstruction surgery. You will be alive, baby. I'm not going to leave you, I swear to God. Please, just give me one chance to prove it.”

“I can't let you back into my heart because if you break it again, I won't survive it. It won't matter about the cancer because it will be you that kills me.”

“Then let me be your friend. Let me be the one you lean on through this. No matter what you need, I'll be there. Appointments, surgery, treatments, I'll be there.”

I want to believe him. I do need someone to be there for me. I need someone to lean on as much as I say I don't. Why not Evan? Why not the man I love? We can't just jump back into a relationship but we can be friends.

“It's going to be so hard, Evan. I'm going to be ill for some time. I'm not going to be able to do a lot of things for myself. Not even bathing sometimes. If you don't think you can handle that, then just tell me now.”

“I can handle anything. I've been a selfish prick these past three months, but I swear to you, it's all behind me now.”

“What about all those women?” I had to ask. I don't think I could bear being ill and knowing he's leaving me each evening to go sleep with them.

I don't know that I could be so selfish as to expect him not to either. It's not like I could give him what he needed.

He shakes his head while looking deep into my swollen eyes. Swollen because I've been crying so damn hard all day. “There is never going to be any other women. I know I've hurt you and I have a long way to go to prove to you that it's you that I love and want, but I promise, I won't stop until I do. I won't stop until I've made things right. Until you are mine again.”

Smooth talker.

“Okay. Okay. Just please don't let me down. I don't think I could take it again.”

“Never again, I promise.” As he pulls me into his arms and holds me close to him, I'm already having serious doubts about this. But who else have I got?

Exactly, no one.