Paula

 

 

 

 

I watch my sister sleeping. She's so sick that it's breaking my heart in two. All my life she's been my rock. Especially when I was a little girl stuck inside a little boys body. I did horrible things in order to get what I needed to make sure I never reached male puberty. Vile, sick things.

But how else was I, at thirteen, supposed to pay for the medication I needed to help me? I couldn't get a job, my aunt had already illegally posed as my mother to get me on the list for hormone replacement therapy. She couldn't afford to pay for the medication. Not forever at least. At thirteen, I was very lucky not to have hit puberty already. I was a small boy, that was in my favor.

I'm still considered small. Luckily for me, I never grew past 5 foot six.

Krystal and I had promised our aunt that we could manage to get the money. I'd been saving every penny of my allowance since I was six. Doesn't mount up to much, but back then, I thought I could do it all.

My aunt should never have expected us as children to be able to find that kind of money. But she was trying to help. We shouldn't have asked a woman with mental health problems to help us in the first place, but teenagers don't think like that, I guess.

I let a lot of men use me, my body back then. They paid me well for the privilege. Sick isn't it? I looked like a girl in every way... until I took my clothes off. The perverted old men loved the fact they could fuck a little boy who looked like a little girl.

And I was a little girl. I wasn't tall, and the medication I was on had stopped my voice from even trying to break. I would never talk like a male. Hell, I'd coached my voice from early childhood to be feminine.

How did I find these men?

Pedophiles even?

A friend of mine, her uncle, his name was Ben, talked to me one evening when I stayed over at hers. He wanted to know why I wanted to be a girl. I told him everything that was inside of me, then the fact I was scared I wouldn't be able to keep paying for the things I needed to aid my transition when I was old enough.

He smirked and told me there were ways to make a lot of money to pay for everything. My ears pricked up. He told me that there were men out there who would want things from me, especially looking the way I did.

Some older men had little boy fantasies but didn't want to be considered gay when they had wives at home. So looking like a girl but actually being a boy was amazing to him right then.

I wasn't sure, but he told me just how much one man would pay me to simply go down on him that my eyes bugged out. I could pay for a month's worth of pills just for sucking some guys cock?

I didn't know how to do that, but Ben told me that it would come naturally to me. So I asked him if men would want to have sex with me, he told me, yes, but the price they would pay for that would pay for two months worth of pills.

I told him that I was scared, I was nervous, and I didn't understand a lot of things. I wasn't sure I could do it even for the money that would help me.

Ben touched me and told me that he could show me what it was like. He could show me almost everything that night and he'd pay for that month's treatment as a gesture of goodwill. Didn't I want to be Paula? Didn't I want to take the burden off my sister? She was just fifteen, after all.

That night, I became someone else. He showed me how to go down on him, he went down on me. I was terrified because I'd never even had an erection before, what the hell did I know? But he did things to me that forced an erection, and he told me that I was so damn special. And yes, he had sex with me. He told me that I was such a beautiful little girl, how perfect I was. And even though I was scared, it wouldn't hurt for long. The way he said those things to me made me feel like the girl I really was.

Once it was over, he gave me the money he promised, telling me never to tell anyone our little secret, and then he told me how he'd be in touch when he'd gotten me some clients. All I had to tell my parents if it was a night call, was that I'd be staying with his niece. They wouldn't ask questions, they weren't the kind of parents who really gave a damn about me. I was strange, as long as I was out of their hair, it was fine.

Every day after that, I had sex with men of all ages, the youngest twenty-three, the oldest seventy-one. I would just do as they asked and then take their money. And I did that for months in order to get what I needed. I had so much money stashed away that I knew I could pay for treatment for many months to come.

It wasn't until one of those men forced me to do something I didn't want to do did I realize I couldn't go on like that anymore. Yes, it paid for what I needed, whenever I needed it. But I felt dirty and violated. That man, thirty-seven years old, tied me up and forced things on me that I had never done before. I had no knowledge of what he wanted, I was a child.

All of the others were kind enough, they touched me, I touched them. Some had me pretending I was their daughter, hair in pigtails, wearing a pretty dress, them my perverted daddy, who couldn't stop himself from touching his little girl.

Some had me pretend to be a little girl asleep and them a man who broke in and raped me. Sick, I know. But still, they never really hurt me. And if I catered to their fantasies, they'd leave me a tip. I always saved that money for my surgeries if I could.

But this particular man was the worst. I begged him not to tie me up, I was frightened, I didn't want to do it. He forced me, then he choked me because I begged him to stop. I couldn't breathe, I kicked out at him, he loved that I fought. That's when he flipped me over and raped me in the worst way. It hurt so much and I screamed so loud. He told me I was Daddy's good little girl, he said vile things to me. Vile, vile things.

When he was done, he untied me and walked away. He didn't pay me and he didn't care what happened to me.

My friend's uncle found me, he usually came by whichever place he dropped me hours before to take me home. After he'd taken his cut of the money, of course.

He told me that I was a silly little girl. Why was I crying? I gave the man what he wanted. Ben said that the man who I met that night wouldn't be getting away with not paying. He didn't care if I was hurt, that was my own fault, I was a slut, after all.

Ben wouldn't tell me the man's name, he never told me any of their names, not real ones, at least. But I wanted that man's name so I could tell someone what he'd done to me. I was thirteen, I didn't understand that if I told anyone, not only would they be in trouble, but so would I. Ben told me that the police would take me away and I'd never see my sister again. That they wouldn't allow me to be who I really was inside. I'd forever be stuck as Paul.

That's why I said nothing, I promised I'd keep my mouth shut. He took me home, and when Krystal found me in the bathroom sobbing, she forced me to tell her what was wrong. I didn't want to, I was afraid. But I couldn't keep it to myself, I had to get it out. So I told her every last thing.

She didn't yell at me or make me feel dirty, she just held me in her arms, let me cry it out, and then told me how she'd get the money. Yes, I'd made a lot of money, a hell of a lot. I should have been able to pay for every treatment for the following three years and have money for my surgeries. I did have quite a bit stashed away. But Ben had lied to me. He promised that he'd give me more of the money I earned. I slept with all those men and all he gave me after the third month was enough to pay for the pills at the end of each month. He kept the rest.

He made thousands of dollars and he conned me, and I was just a silly little girl who believed a much older man when he said he'd save me.

He was nothing but my pimp, but I couldn't see that back then. I honestly believed everything he told me. I thought I could trust him. I was so very wrong.

Krystal told me how she didn't want me to do anything like that ever again, she'd protect me from then on, and if I felt like I couldn't cope, I was to go to her.

Which is what I did, but everything was so expensive. Psychiatrists, Doctors, Medication. The endless costs never seemed to end. My sister is only two-years-older than I am, how was it fair to allow her to work her fingers to the bone like she did? Just little jobs that she was allowed to do. Babysitting, sweeping floors, helping out in stores. All without letting my parents find out what the money was really for. My mother would have put a big stop to it if she'd known.

And I'm not sure my sister didn't go down the same route I did once or twice. How else could we raise figures into the thousands each month?

Thousands I made from whoring myself out to dirty old men. Crazy how fast that money runs out. It's even worse when you've been having treatment for months behind your parents back, them never realizing, and then having to find other ways to make that money. We were just fucking kids, it wasn't down to our aunt to help us, it should have been my parent's job!

But Krystal did it, even around school time. I will always be grateful for what she did for almost two years for me. If she hadn't done so, I wouldn't be who I am right now.

And I am who I am now also by doing what I did when I was seventeen. I became the plaything of a very rich man who paid me well to let him do whatever his heart desired to my body. For me to submit to him. It might sound sick, but it wasn't all that bad. And I did it so my sister could relax a little. I told her that I had found a job in a hotel. That wasn't a lie, that's where I would meet with Mr. X. That's what I knew him as.

Okay, I promised I would never whore myself out again, but I didn't see any other way. Plus, I was older and thought I could cope a lot better.

Within seven months of being his plaything, I'd earned enough money to leave the damn country, set up somewhere else and have the surgeries I needed to finally become me, all without anyone finding out what I'd done.

My parents disowned me for being me, so I left, moved to Germany. They were never parents to me anyway. I didn't need them in my life, I will never need them. I had breast surgery just a month after I arrived Germany, then a couple years ago, I had the full surgery. I was finally, completely, Paula, and I will always be thankful to my big sister for all that she did for me on my journey to be me.

I have a great life in Germany, everyone knows me, but not that I used to be male. I don't see why I need to tell anyone that little fact unless it's relevant, and it never is. Not even to the men I have slept with. In the eyes of some that may be wrong, but not in mine, because in mine, I have always and will always be female. Besides, people are still in this day and age, prejudice.

Of all the things to bring me home, I never imagined this. My beautiful big sister suffering from cancer. Cancer that has taken her breasts. God, it hurts inside. I don't let her see my sadness because that's the last thing she needs. I keep the mood uplifted, I keep a smile on her face... When I'm alone, I crumble. I can't stop myself from crying.

I know she's strong, I know that she is. But what if she can't fight this? What if it claims her life? What the hell will I do without her? All the years I have been gone I now regret because I should have been here with my sister. All the time I've wasted hiding away from my family in another country, having fun, working hard, playing harder. God, I have lost so much time.

I don't know how long I'll be staying here, but I got a job with Evan's cousin to keep my mind on something other than my sister dying. I don't particularly need the money, I have plenty saved to keep me going here for a good six months. But if I sit doing nothing for too long I'll go crazy. Not that I'm not there for Krystal as much as she needs me because I am. I'll be here for as long as she needs me. But I think, for now, I need to go back to Darla's. I'm drained after the day I've had.

The man I have loved since I was a little girl kissed me today. Not just any kiss, my first real kiss. Okay, I've been kissed plenty of times, but this was different, this was the man I love, the kiss I have longed for, for more years than I can remember. A kiss of love. I felt his own love for me when he kissed me. But I couldn't seem to make myself believe he felt what he said he felt for me.

I came to talk to my sister about it. She gave me a little advice. Advice I should take. Never let go of love, especially if it's real.

I lean over and kiss her forehead. “I love you, sissy,” I tell her before leaving her house. Evan is home, he can care for her now.

After saying bye to Evan – I never say “Goodbye” it's too final – I make my way outside. Evan said my taxi is waiting. I could've driven here, but I didn't take my rental car to work today, I was late and figured taking a taxi to work would have been easier than me having to park up and rush through the parking lot.

But as I walk outside the Harrington's house, I see no taxi. Hmm. Odd.

“Hey, beautiful.”

I turn on the spot.

What the hell is he doing here?

Following me, obviously.

“Ollie,” Folding my arms around my body, I take a deep breath in through my nose.

The man in front of me, Evan's cousin, is so fucking beautiful it steals my very breath away. He's six-foot tall, has a swimmers physique, perfect muscle span with a slim waist. Gorgeous hazel eyes that make his tanned skin look sun-kissed. He has the face of a model and a smile to match. And... he wants me.

“What are you doing here?”

He smirks, pulls away from his car where he was standing with his back to it looking like he owns the whole world, and walks toward me. I swallow hard, I don't know what to do with myself, so I just hug my waist. My heart is beating too fast, my lower belly is clenching, and I feel like I'm going to pass out from the heat of my own body

My eyes seemingly close of their own accord as he takes my face in his hands. Shit, is he going to kiss me? Right here outside his uncle's house? “When are you going to stop fighting this, Paula?”

“What?” My voice is low, too low, and I still have my arms wrapped around myself protectively. But I don't know what I'm protecting myself from.

“This love between us.” Again, I swallow hard. Love? He loves me? Really? I can't even comprehend that to be truthful. “I know that you love me,” Cocky fucker. “And I know that I love you. You're the girl I couldn't forget, Paula.”

“I am?”

“You are. You were born to be mine, I have no doubt about that. Whatever you want, I will make it happen. You want me to leave you alone, then I'll do it, even though it will kill me. I love you, beautiful girl.”

Oh, my god. How the hell do I process this?

Why the hell am I even overthinking it? I have wanted this man since I was a young teenager. He's the only person, apart from Krystal, that has ever seen me for who I really am. I have never doubted his affections in the past. Hell, we even kept in touch when I moved to Germany. He's one of my best friends. Who better to love me, who better for me to love than him?

Don't I deserve to be happy?

I touch his cheek with my fingertips, “I love you, too. So much, Oliver.”

The smile that breaks out across his face leaves me breathless. Then he kisses me, and believe me, he kisses me with so much passion that if I don't pull away we'll be fucking on the hood of his car, family watching be damned.

“Marry me.”

“What the fuck?” I pull away from him. I'm really fucking confused. I don't even know if I heard him correctly. Marry him? “Ollie?”

He holds the back of my neck, tilting my head back a little so he can look me in the eye. God, he's gorgeous. “I love you. Do you understand what that means?” I nod my head. I'm not stupid, of course, I know what it means. “Good. Because you are mine, Paula. I will not let you go. I want you to be my wife.”

“But...”

“But nothing, beautiful. I understand what you need to do every day. I'm here for you. I understand you can't have children. We can adopt.” He'd do that for me? My heart is skipping with happiness. “There is nothing we can't do. Nothing. I love you so fuckin' much!” He puts so much emphasis into it that I thought for a second his hold on my neck would snap it! “Don't think about what might be, just say yes. Marry me, Paula.”

“You're crazy.”

“Crazy about you, yes!” I giggle as he kisses me softly. “Baby girl,” Baby girl. Such a silly pet name, yet I have longed to hear it said to me out of admiration and not just because someone is fucking me. “There is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you. I love you and I won't spend one more day wondering where you are, how you are, if someone is treating you the way you deserve.”

“What the hell do you even see in me, Ollie?” And he knows I don't mean my looks. I am good looking, as conceited as that sounds. I worked hard to perfect the body I have, but I was blessed with feminine looks. My sister and I both were.

“What I see,” He says while taking my hands in his and squeezing gently. “Is a smart, caring, courageous, amazing woman.” I laugh slightly. Smooth talker. “But I also see the woman I love.” My heart skips a beat again. “The most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” He kisses me softly. “The woman I have been in love with since you were sixteen.” Another kiss. And I have to swallow hard. He's loved me that long? “The sexy woman that drives me wild.” Another kiss. “The woman who is crazy to love a man like me.” Another kiss.

“A man like you?” I wrap my arms around his neck. “You are the man of my dreams, Oliver Macklin, and I love you so much.”

“Then marry me. You belong with me, Paula. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.”

“What will your family say?”

I shouldn't be worried what anyone will say. I am who I am. I am an intelligent, confident woman. My past is mine alone and no one has the right to judge me.

I very rarely think about what might happen should I meet a guy and things progress to a level that we'd have to tell anyone who I used to be. I mean, come on, it's not like someone wouldn't find out. You can keep things a secret for years and years, but there comes a time, I don't know, sickness or something that means those secrets come out.

And Oliver's brother is famous on a different level, he's an actor, a model. What will people think of Elliot Macklin's twin brother marrying me?

God, he'd be ridiculed. I don't want Oliver to ever feel embarrassment because of me.

“They'll say,” He tucks my blonde hair behind my ears, “Congratulations. They know how I feel about you,” They do? “I spoke to my parents a couple days ago. They were a little shocked that I want us to get married so soon, but they're supportive. It was actually my brother who told me not to wait if I really loved you that much.”

I'm shocked. I had no idea he would've spoken to his twin brother about me in that way. Obviously, he doesn't care what others might think, so why the hell should I?

“Every single member of my family loves you, Paula. I love you, please say you'll marry me.”

Jesus, this is fucking crazy! We haven't even been on one damn date and he wants us to get married?

But if there's one thing I have learned from my sister being sick it's that life is too short. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. No one knows how long they have on this earth before they leave it, and that's why I say, “Yes. Yes, I will marry you!” Then I squeal as he twirls me around like something out of a film before setting me on my feet and kissing me so passionately that I know we'll be making love all night.

No one's going to believe this when I tell them in the morning.