Evan

 

 

 

 

Therapy is all well and good, the advice is decent, but what to do with it is a whole other story. Write a list of five things I like about myself? That would be nothing, then.

Okay, so I may have been rethinking the whole giving up trick.

One moment I think I need it, the next I don't.

I guess time will tell.

I do know one thing, though, I need to see Krystal. I need to apologize in person for all the ways I hurt her. I need her to know that I have never blamed her for what happened. I need her to know that my feelings for her were true, that when I told her I loved her, I meant it from the heart.

The only way I'll ever start to heal is to admit to her what I did wrong. None of it was her fault. None of it.

I'm not an idiot and I don't expect Krystal to just forgive me and take me back.

Hell, if she'd walked away from me and slept with even one man, I'd never forgive her, let alone sleeping with someone different every single night.

For all I know, Krystal is with someone new.

She's not the kind of girl to sleep around. She's the kind of girl who falls for someone and gives him her all.

God, it would kill me if she's with someone else.

But why should it when I did this to myself?

I don't expect her to be alone.

But I'd be a liar if I didn't say that I secretly hoped she'd be waiting for me to come to my senses and come home to her.

Yeah, I'm just that self-centered.

Walking is something I seem to be doing a lot of lately. It clears my head somewhat. It's what I do during my lunch breaks from work. Working with your mother should be outlawed, even if you are working on a different floor. She's my boss for Christ's sake!

And why did I think accounting would be fun? It isn't.

“Shit, I'm sorry.” My hands automatically grab the upper arms of the woman I've just walked right into and almost knocked off her feet. “Krystal?”

Please tell me I'm not hallucinating this time. Please tell me she's really in front of me... Crying.

What the hell?

“I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going.” Her eyes lock with mine. She's been crying hard.

“What's wrong? Why are you crying?”

“No reason.” She pulls out of my grasp but it's with very little effort.

I don't understand what's going on, it's like she has no fight left in her. This isn't like Krystal. Since I left I've tried to talk to her maybe twice. Both times she told me to go to hell and slapped me. But looking at her now, she looks so lost and lonely.

What the fuck have I done to her?

Because I have done this to her.

“I have to go now.”

“No, wait.” I grab her hand, she doesn't pull away. She looks down, her shoulders hunched and shaking as she cries. “Sweetheart, tell me what's wrong. Who upset you like this?”

“Oh, Evan, I don't know what to do.”

“Look at me,” I tip her head up with my fingers beneath her chin. “Has someone hurt you?” I swear to god, if anyone's hurt her, I'll hunt them down and fucking kill them with my bare hands!

She doesn't say anything. Her face softens, her eyes travel to my lips, and... What the hell? She's kissing me, her hands slide around my neck, grabbing at the hair at my nape.

I wrap a hand around her waist, pulling her flush against my body, the other cups the back of her head. She's leading the kiss but I won't stop it. Fuck, I've missed her too much to stop her, even if we are in the middle of the street.

I can feel the stirring in my pants, my cock coming to life in the way it only does for her. No one could turn me on the way she does. Yeah, I've fucked many, I've gotten off, but anyone but her and it's never anything but getting off.

“Take me home.” She breathes heavily against my mouth.

“Krys...”

“Please. Please, Evan. I need to feel something real.” She doesn't need to ask me twice. But I have to think something is really wrong. I mean, I'd be an idiot to think she was fine when she's been crying hard and now she wants me to take her home.

I should know the signs, she's being this way with me before, when her grandfather died. She uses sex as an escape. I shouldn't take advantage of her right now. I should tell her no, that we need to talk. But I want her too much. And if she wants me as much as I want her, who the hell am I to turn her down?

Besides, if I do she'll find it from somewhere else, and I cannot stand the fucking thought of that!

 

 

* * *

 

 

I brought her back to my place, it was nearer to where we were. We didn't even need to drive, simply ran the two blocks. I tipped my head at the doorman as we ran into the waiting elevator. I saw him smile at us like we were crazy lovesick teenagers, probably thought we were back together. It's not like he hasn't seen us together before. He's also seen how self-destructive I've become over the three months Krystal and I have been apart.

Nothing is going to come of this, I'm not stupid, I know what she's doing. She's using me to get what she wants, and I'm letting her because I want her just as much.

Of course, I know she could have any man she wants, she's fucking beautiful. But I also know she's not the kind of girl to fuck random strangers.

But as she tears at my clothes the second we get through the front door, I have to wonder if I could have just been anyone.

With her hands on my pants, I grab her face in my hands. As much as I want this, as much as I want to come home, to be with her in any way I can, I know this isn't her. Something's wrong and I can't pretend it isn't.

If she were any other woman, I wouldn't give a fuck what she was running from, I'd fuck her shitless. But she's Krystal and I cannot do that to her. “Tell me what's going on, Krys.”

“No,” She shakes her head or tries to with it between my hands. “I just want you to fuck me. I don't want to talk.”

My bare chest his heaving. Looking at her standing right in front of me in nothing but her underwear, her beautiful fucking curvy body begging to be fucked, I'm finding it really hard not to drag her into the bedroom and fuck her into next week.

But it's wrong when she's obviously struggling with something. I'm not so much of a bastard that I would do that to her. Not to Krystal.

“This isn't the way to make yourself feel better, Krystal.”

“Forget it!” She yanks out of my grasp, picking her clothes up off the floor and pulling them on. “I knew you wouldn't want me. Why would you, you've fucked half the city. I can't compete with that.”

“Hey!” I grab her arm and yank her towards me.

Is this what she really thinks?

Is this her game?

She thinks I left her because I didn't want her?

That all those meaningless women were better than her?

Hell, no woman I have been with in my life could compare to Krystal.

“None of those women compare to you. No one ever could.” She rolls her eyes in disbelief. And why should she believe me? “When I left, I didn't do it because of anything you'd done. I left because of me. Because I was messed up.”

She bites the inside of her cheek, tears threatening to spill.

I fucking hate that I've done this to her.

I fucking hate that I couldn't sort myself out before I lost her completely.

I cup her face with my right hand. “I can never make up for what I've done to you. But I don't ever want you to think it was your fault. It was mine.”

“I loved you, Evan,” Tears fall from her eyes. God, she's killing me. “I loved you so much. I would have done anything for you. I needed you so badly to make the pain go away. I know you were hurting too, but we could have dealt with it together. Do you have any idea what I've been going through these past few months?”

“I'm sorry, baby. You have no idea how sorry I am.”

“What good does sorry do me, Evan? You broke my heart.” She sobs and it's killing me.

I know what I did to her, but I was too selfish to think about her because all I thought about was me and what I was going through.

I wrap my arms around her, wanting to hold her close to me, needing to hold her.

She doesn't fight me, she wraps her arms around my waist and sobs into my chest.

You really are a bastard, Evan Harrington.

Don't I know it.